HitchBasic principles: 基本原则No woman wakes up saying: "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today." 没有女人醒来，说：希望今天不会有帅哥追我Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me." 她可能会说：现在时机可能不对Or something like, "I just need some space." 或是这句，我需要一点空间Or my personal favorite: 或我最喜欢的"I'm really into my career right now." 我正在全心发展事业You believe that? Neither does she. 你相信吗，她也不信You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. 知道原因吗？她在骗你You understand me? Lying. 听懂了吗，骗你的It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. 时机并没有不对，她也不需要空间She may be into her career... 她也许专业事业but what she's really saying is,"Get away from me now." 但她其实是说|：给我滚开Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." 或者再努力点，笨蛋Well, which one is it? 到底是什么意思呢60% of all human communication is nonverbal. 人们勾通有六成不是靠说话Body language. 身体语言30% is your tone. 三成靠你说话的音调So that means that 90% of what you're saying... 那表示你传答的意思有九成ain't coming out of your mouth. 不用嘴巴来说的Toby! 托比Shit! 糟了Of course she'll lie to you. 当然会骗你She's a nice person,she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings. 她是个好人，她不想伤害你What else is she gonna say?She doesn't even know you. 她还能说什么，她跟你又不熟Yet. 还不熟Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us... 幸运地和我们一样even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it. 就算美女也不知道自己要做什么And that's where I come in. 这就是我的工作My job is to open her eyes. 我要让她看清楚Oh, my God! 我的老天Is this what you're looking for? 你在找它吗Basic principles: No matter what, no matter when, no matter who... 基本原则：不论何事，不论何时，不论何人，any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. 任何男人都有机会迷倒任何女人Just needs the right broom. 只要方法正确You cannot use what you do not have. 你不能应用你没有的东西So if you're shy, be shy.If you're outgoing, be outgoing. 保持自我，害羞的不要装外向，外向的不要装害羞，- I'm not outgoing.- That's okay. 我并不外向，无所谓She may not want the whole truth,but she does want the real you. 她不想知道细节，但她要真正的你She may not want to see it all at once,but she does want to see it. 她也许不想一次搞定，但她想看真正的你So tonight, when you're wondering whatto say, how you look, or if she likes you... 所以今晚在你想讲什么，该穿什么或她到底喜不喜欢你时just remember, she is already out with you. 记住她已经和你约会了That means she said yeswhen she could have said no. 那表示她在能拒绝你时却答应了你That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. 在她可以躲开你时却见了你So that means it is no longer your jobto try to make her like you. 这表明你不用再设法让她喜欢你It is your job not to mess it up. 而是设法不搞砸一切The shoes are hot.You went to the place I told you? 真赞的鞋，你照我的去做吧Yeah, but I don't think they're really me.对，但我不觉得我适合这样"You" is a very fluid concept right now. 个人形像是很具可塑性的You bought the shoes.You look great in the shoes. 你买了鞋，穿起来也帅呆了That's the you I'm talking about. 那就是你的形像The key tonight is hang back. 今晚的策略就是要放松Give her plenty of space. 给她充分的空间If she lingers at a photograph, move on. 她若留恋在照片之间，继续走But maintain the visual. 记着，保持在视觉范围内It's supposed to be 64 and clear tonight.So when you leave the club, walk a little. 今晚的天气晴朗又清爽，你们离开酒吧时，散个步Ask her what she thought about the show... 问她对今晚的展览有何感想what was her favorite photograph,why that one. 她最喜欢哪一幅，为什么And when she answers,don't be looking at her mouth. 她回答时别盯着她的嘴巴看Don't be wonderingwhat she looks like naked. 别幻想她光着身子的样子Listen to what she is saying and respond. 倾听她说的话，有所反应Listen and respond. 倾听，回应That way, when it's your turn to talk...那样轮到你讲话时you'll have something better to say than,"I like your mouth." 就不用说，我喜欢你的嘴，What was your favorite one? 你最喜欢哪个The elephant, definitely. 那幅大象，当然And all of a sudden,we're on date number two.Ready.No way.We're going back in there.You have to smile.In case you didn't go to high school,hitting is a good thing.So how does it happen, great love?Are you okay?- Nobody knows.-I'm good.Let me get a Bomb Popand a Screwball for the lady.But what I can tell you,is that it happens in the blink of an eye.One moment, you're enjoying your life.And the next, you're wonderinghow you ever lived without them.Three dates is all I need.Three dates, and I'll get you here,to the high-stakes medal round...where eight out of womenbelieve that the first kiss...will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship.After that, you're on your own.But always remember...life is not the amount of breaths you take.It's the moments that take your breath away.Did I call it or did I call it?I mean, what did I say, six months?And when was her first date?So five-and-a-half?God, I hate it when I'm right.What is it about guys that makes themwant to screw anything that walks...even when they're going out withsomeone as awesome as Allegra Cole?She's only the most fabulous thingwalking around New York.Thanks, Young.Are you kidding?Of course I'm gonna run it.Why should she waste her hearton some Swedish aristo-brat?Even if he is gorgeous.If he's stupid enough to cheat...the world should knowhe's dumb enough to get caught. Exactly. I'm in the elevator.See you in a minute.Good morning, how are you?Bitter, party of one.You should try it sometime.Barbados by myself?I wouldn't last five minutes.It was just what the doctor ordered.I slept in, I did my yoga,I read a couple of books...flirted with my scuba instructor.- And apparently never left the office.- I know, isn't that great?You should've taken someone with you. Who am I gonna take with me?This is where a boyfriend comes in handy. - I don't have time for a boyfriend.- You said that two years ago.Yes, and it's as true today as it was then.I thought you were on vacation.See if these are in focusand have them in my desk in an hour. Besides, relationships are for people waiting for something better to come along. Spoken like a true cynic.I'm not a cynic. I'm a realist.You are a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.What are you doing here?What is she doing here?She works here, remember?No, she doesn't. Not for another four days. - This couldn't wait.- It could.What are you doing? Go back to the beach. - I don't want you here.- No, really, you do.You are becominga sick, workaholic lunatic...and this is exactly...the kind of nervous, overwrought behaviorthat leads to...Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.A very big raise.Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.Comes with the job.You know, kiddo, there is more to lifethan watching other people live it.Can I help he was cheating on my beach?I think it's greatthat you're so good at your job.I'm just a little worried as to why.Let me worry about that.Okay. I want that column on my deskby lunch.So you'll pay for my hotel?For you to sip mai tais?I don't think so. Get out.- Come on.- What?- That's good, right?-- No.No, it was in and it freaked out.You know what your problem is, Hitch?You're all about the short game.You pick your shotsbased on what you see first...not what's necessarily best for you...in the long run.All of us are not married to the womanof our dreams and about to have a baby.You know, I'm very happy for you.Just not meant for everybody.So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty...totally varied, wildly experimentalshort game.- I was talking about pool, but whatever.- Yeah, okay.Honestly, I just hope one dayyou're able to experience...the unconditional love, trust,and openness...that I share with Grace every single day.- Is this really barroom talk?- You need to listen to me. I'm serious. Because when you get to a placewith a woman like that...it's so beyond anything physical that... when I think back towhen I used to run around with you...and chase all these really gorgeousbut shallow women...I don't know, it's kind of ridiculousand vaguely pathetic.Yeah, I see what you mean. That's pathetic. So, how'd you meet him?I was in La Perlajust buying some weekend thongs.- And he was doing likewise?- No.Actually, he said he was buying something for his mom.His mom?Casey, who buys high-priced lingeriefor their mother?Well, maybe he was looking for a robe. Casey, he was hitting on you whilehe was buying lingerie for another woman. - I prefer the mother story.- I know you do, but that's not the point. No, the point is I'm not gonna start out assuming the guy's a liar.- Why not?- Because that's how you wind up...Like me? Is that what you were gonna say? No. I was gonna say, "Like you."- What's his name?- Why?- I'm gonna Google him.- No. Google your own guy.Let's just see if his mother's still alive.- So when is Grace due again?- Soon.- You excited?- What'd you say?Do you want me to go get themand bring them over here?No, don't do that.Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them because you can't go home with them?I'm just trying to keep my head above water.- Have you heard of the Date Doctor?- Urban myth.- Really?- Absolutely.I was hoping he also helped women.Casey, you're not sick. You're single.You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.I haven't been ridden in months.On that happy note, I'm gonna go seeif anybody interesting came in tonight.- You mean, besides me.- Right.Bye.I'll go get those girls,bring them over here...and we'll have a conversationlike human beings.Then you're gonna home,and I'll take them back to my apartment.Well, that sounds like fun for me.But you might want to get in line, pal.- Hey, girl.- Hey, how are you?Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronasat the pool table, please? Thanks.Excuse me.Lime wedges in the bottle's fine.Hey, asshole, I don't work here.I'm sorry. The paramedics will have to come to get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart.Just don't let it happen again.- I knew you didn't work here.- You did?-How else was I supposed to get you away from all those guys?Why would you want to do that?Some guys naturally develop a comfort with the opposite sex.They like women, women like them. Everything flows naturally.Back in college, I was just not one of them.I seemed to lack the basic understanding... that my peers just intuitively grasped.But like any late bloomer,I was eager to make up for lost time.Her name was Cressida Baylor.Can you tell mewhere the registration building is?And my life would never be the same.- I'm Alex.- Cressida.What we had was beautiful.I love you.I love you so much.I love you, too, Alex.I know you don't love meas much as I love you.But that's okay.I'm just glad you love me at all.In retrospect,I guess I may have come on a little strong. But the experience taught me a lot. Cressida!What are you doing?I'm sorry, Alex.But I love you. What did I do wrong?Just tell me what I did wrong.You're doing it right now.Alex, I'm sorry.And it's an educationI feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men. Because with no guile and no game,there's no girl.If ever a man born was without game...it was Albert Brennaman.My business is % referraland, thus far, untraceable.And if there's one thing I've learned... when you orchestrate, coordinate,and otherwise mess with fate...it's best to fly under the radar.I hope she's single'cause I don't do break-ups.Hi. Thank you for seeing me.Yeah, no.I mean, she just got out of a relationship. Is that a problem?Because if it is, that's fine.I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway. Definitely been hurt a lot.I had a lot of bad experiences.Some good ones.But definitely a lot of bad ones.I'm desperate, basically.I mean, not in general, you understand? You know, not just for anybody.But, man, for her... Yeah.Why don't you tell me about her?Let's see, what can I say?My company handles her finances.I'm her tax consultant.Well, I'm one of them.I'm the junior man on the account.- So does she know you're interested?- No.Alive?I lent her my pen once.Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?- Here, take mine.- Albert, you're crushing my arm.Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra. Allegra? As in Allegra Cole?Yeah, I realize that I'm not her usual type. Well, her last boyfriend owned Swedenor something.And that guy was a bum.He didn't seem likea very nice person to me.You swing for the fence.Look, you don't think I triedtalking myself out of this?I mean, you don't think I knowhow ridiculous this is? I know, okay?I just thought that maybe with your help...You know what?I'm really sorry I wasted your time.Hold on a second, Albert.You know what it's likegetting up every morning feeling hopeless?Feeling like the love of your lifeis waking up with the wrong man?But at the same time,hoping that she still finds happiness...even if it's never gonna be with you?You are flat-out...out of your mind. You know that?That's good.-It is?You ever heard of Michelangelo?Heard of the Sistine Chapel?Michelangelo.Sistine Chapel.You saying you can do this?My name is Alex Hitchens.Let's go paint that ceiling.Take it easy.Oh, my God!Well, it looks like I'm still rich.But what I would really like,and what I was wondering is...if I could have $to invest on my own.And what were you thinkingof investing in, Allegra?Well, it's somethingthat I really have a passion for.Daydreams are for private time.When you're in the room, be in the room.Concentrate. Focus.Women respond when you respond to them.My friend Maggie is a talented designer.I've seen the business planand the samples look fantastic.And I would really like to get involved.I'll tell you what.Let us come up with a range of investments that we think you might be interested in...and next month,we'll run the whole lot of them by you. Okay.Fine. Thank you. All right, gentlemen. Let's go over this one more time.What is the objective?Shock and awe.That was shockingly awful.What is the objective?Shock and awe.What is the objective?- Excuse me, sir.- Yes, Albert?I don't really agree with that.You don't really agree with what?I think if you want to invest $in your friend's business...that's exactly what you should do.You don't need us to tell you what to do. We're a board of advisers,not your kindergarten teachers.If you want to be taken seriouslyas an adult...then start taking yourself seriouslyas an adult...instead of asking for permissionto invest your own money...from a boardroomfull of your daddy's golf buddies.- That's quite enough!- I'm not finished.I'd like to see anybody in this room handle the attention and publicity...that she's had to deal with her whole life, with half her class.We should be taking advice from you, Miss Cole. Not the other way around.- Sit down...- No! You know what? I quit!Oh, my God.Just breathe. How'd it go?I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss!I quit my job!- What?- I gotta go back.- No, I didn't tell you to quit.Relax. Okay, listen, we're fine.- Would you let me go?- Albert, no!Just relax! Okay?- Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me.- No!Relax.- It's Allegra Cole.- Answer it.- Could I speak to you a second?- Answer the door, Albert.Yes. Hi.What's up?Listen, Albert, right?- People don't usually talk to me like that.- Close your mouth, man.Let me rephrase that.People never talk to me like that.Stand up.I guess it's kind of scary for them.But that's why I really appreciatewhat you did in there.But I was wondering...do you think that you and I couldget together sometime this week?You know, to go over things.Financial things.I'd like to see the areaswhere I can afford to take some risks.- Check your schedule.- I'll check my schedule.Great. Let me give you my number.Do you have a pen?I don't think I have one.- Yes, I do.- Great.And call me Allegra.-- You're done.- Goodbye.Good job.She's some kind of newspaper columnist. Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper. What's her drink?Usually beer.Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty.Hi.I noticed your glass was getting low...so I took the libertyof bringing you another apple martini. Thank you.And I couldn't help but noticeyou look a lot like my next girlfriend.- What's your name?- They call me Chip.You can't get them to stop?That was funny.Listen, I understand the courage it takesto walk across a room...and try to generate a relationshipout of thin air.- So don't take the following personally.- You have fantastic eyes.Thanks. Try to listen.This is no reflection on you.I'm just not interested.But thank you for the complimentof coming over.You're welcome.So do you like Cuban food?Chip, seriously, that was not code for,"I wish you'd try harder."Are you always so shut-down and afraid that the right man might make you...Feel like a natural woman?Sorry I'm late, honey.I couldn't get a cab. How was the meeting? Well, there was a beginning,a middle, and an end.Nice to meet you, Chip.You, too.On the one hand,it is very difficult for a man...to even speak to someonewho looks like you.But on the other hand,should that be your problem?So life's kind of hard all around.Not if you pay attention.You're sending all the right signals:no earrings, heels under two inches,your hair is pulled back...wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini...which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it.If that wasn't clear enough...there's always the "fuck off"that you have stamped on your forehead. Who'd believe there's a man out there that can sit by a woman he doesn't know... and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own agenda?I wouldn't even knowwhat that would look like.So what would a guy like that say?He'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant."But she wouldn't be interested in that... because she'd be counting the seconds until he left.Thinking he was like every other guy. Which, life experience has taught her,is a virtual certainty.But then he'd ask her nameand what she did for a living...and she might blow him off.Or she might say...I'm Sara Melas.I run the gossip column at the Standard. And then he'd askall these penetrating questions about her... because he was sincerely,if atypically, interested.No.- No?- He'd be interested.But he'd see that there was no way...he could possibly make her realizethat he was for real.Well, he could be funny and charmingand refreshingly original.Wouldn't help.- Don't you hate it when that happens?- Not really.They'd both probably go onto lead the lives they were headed toward.My guess is they'd do just fine.It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.Grey Goose martinifrom the gentleman who just left.Is that for me?What?-Vance Munson. Sorry I'm late.No, not a problem.Wow, you're the...- Can I get you something to drink, Mr...- No, I'm fine, thank you.So, tell me about her.Have you ever met someone...and you knew right awayshe was gonna be important to you?Not just because of her looks,but that X factor.How'd you meet her?Actually, I was in a shopbuying pajamas for my mom.And by that, of course, you mean...you were buying lingeriefor another woman.Yes. You can't helpwhere you meet somebody.And the lingerie is for a womanI'm no longer seeing.But anyway, the girl I met,the one I was talking about...she's so sweet, funny, Southern.She gives me her number.Now she won't return my phone calls.I don't know what it is about her.I just can't get her out of my mind.You know, food has lost its taste. Colors, they seem dull.Things that used to matter...I don't know, they just no longer do.I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I...Unless I bang her.Excuse me?You know, bang her. Clear my head.Get in, get off, get out.I think you may have misunderstoodwhat I do exactly.No, I was told you help guys get in there. Right. But, see, here's the thing.My clients actually like women.Hit it and quit it is not my thing.Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi.I need professional help.Well, that is for damn certain.And I'm glad you can admit itbecause generally that's the hardest part. You see what I'm doing?This is what I'm about.Power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg,but eventually they do what I want.So that's, like, a metaphor.Well, I'm more of a literal kind of guy.So when I do this...this is more like me sayingthat I will literally break your shit off...if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin? Got it.No.Pablo, I can't just mention your restaurant. Somebody has to eat there.No, somebody famous. You know that.- Sara Melas?- No.Okay. Bye.I need your signature.I hate it when a guy calls a girlwho did not give him her number.So this is me not calling. Over.Yes, you're right.This is much less invasive.I've been thinking aboutthat sign on your forehead.And I was wondering if you'd mindtaking it down for dinner Friday night. Over.I can't. I have a couple of partiesI have to hit.Gossip never sleeps.Not till about : a.m.Saturday.I have a date.Do you know the definitionof "perseverance," Miss Melas?An excuse to be obnoxious?Continuing in a course of action...without regard to discouragement,opposition or previous failure. Over.Okay, Webster, how do I get rid of you?Breakfast, Sunday.And you can barely even call that a date.You do that with out-of-town relativesthat you don't even like. Over.Come on.Okay, I guess I could do Sunday.You forgot to say "over." Over.This conversation's overas soon as you tell me when and where.: a.m., North Cove Marina. Over and out.: a.m.? Are you crazy?I don't do : a.m.- Hello?- Sign here.-- What?- You said Sunday, right?Yeah.What if I would have said Friday?Sunday.So I guess you're not going to church.Do you really expect me to wear this?lt'll be awful cold out there without it.- Good morning.- "Good" would have been at : .You're a lot taller than I remember.You ever ride one of these?Not on the Hudson.So, what do you wanna do?Race me around the Statue of Liberty?If there's time.- But you might need these.- All right.- Bam.- Wow.How do I look?Fabulous.All right, I give.Where do I change?So we'll go past the wall, then take a left. It's pretty much a straight shot from there. - Straight shot to where?- That's for me to know and you to find out. What you do with these babies is... Yeah, what I do with this babyis kick your ass.- What happened? You change your mind? - It just died.Did you put gas in it?No. You know, I think it must have sucked up a diaper or something. Gross. Try it again.You want me to call AAA?Come on aroundand let me hop on with you.I don't know. What if you break mine, too? Then we'll both be sitting ducks.- I didn't break it. It just died.- Yeah, yeah.All right, hop on.- Scoot back.- Hitch, I'm already here.But you don't know where we're going. Why don't you tell me?Then we'll both know.Man, male egos.I don't know how you guysmake it through the day with them. What? It is not my ego.I just don't want to ruin the surprise.I'm sorry. Are you all right?There. I always keep a few of those around. Thank you.I have lower back trouble.I just shove the ice packs right down there. No. That's a fresh one.So, Ellis Island.I have to admit, I have lived in New York my whole life and I've never been here.I figured that. Most people haven't.So I got my man Larry hereto set us up a private tour.- Great!- Anything for Hitch.It was originally known as Oyster Island. The island was expandedto its present size...with dirt removed during the construction of the New York subway system.- Are you serious?- Yes.- Did you know this?- Yeah. That's why I brought you here.In fact, over million Americanscan trace their ancestry...back to a single man, woman, or childon the ship's manifest...to an inspector's ledger.By %% of the residents of New York... Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Boston... were immigrants,or the children of immigrants.They generally livedin the poorest sections of the cities...in Little Italys, Chinatownsand other ethnic enclaves.It's called The Kissing Post.The plaque explains how different cultures kiss after long absences.Now, what exactly would qualifyas a long absence?I mean...- That count?- No.I actually had a relative come through here.- Really?- Yeah.What?- What?- What was that thing?No. You know, I was just thinking...you can't really know where you're goinguntil you know where you've been.- Ain't that right, Larry?- Amen, brother.That's kind of deep for a first date,don't you think?-What is that?Oh, my God!That's my great-great-grandfather.That's his signature.Jesus, it's right here!How did you know?Hitch did the search. I just found the page.I'm sorry.I saw that going differently in my mind.So my family never saw him again.Well, except for on the Wanted posters.Look, I'm really sorry.When I saw it on the computer,it said, "the Butcher of C酝iz."I thought it was a profession,not a headline.It's just one of those horrible family legacies we've all tried to forget.But thank you.No, it was...- A train wreck.- No.Let me get you a cab.Thanks.- Bye.- Bye-bye.Taxi!Poor guy.Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble.。
