Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soupJohn Mendosa

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I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there, save me, Superman!Homer Simpson

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.Woody Allen

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... Steven Wright

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers.Daniel J. Boorstin.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.Mark Twain The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. Ronald Reagan.

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.James Brown

Eat my shorts.Bart Simpson Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.Mark Twain If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. Bradley's Bromide.

Victor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Vistor Hugo.Jean Cocteau. I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.Ring Lardner

I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father. Jay Leno. To err is human. To forgive is unusual. The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.Mark Twain

The great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel.From Taxi

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.Laurence J. Peter

It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.Mae West

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobol.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. I don't know what I would do without Whitelaw. Everyone should have a Willy.Margaret Thatcher.

The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it. Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. Andy Rooney.

Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night. Peter Ustinov.

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.George Bernard Shaw

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.Homer Simpson Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!Thomas Beecham.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.Rodney Dangerfield The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit. Eric Porterfield.

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.René Descartes When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.Oscar Wilde

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.Will Rogers

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.Victor Borge

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. Albert Einstein.

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.Ronald ReaganUS president during radio microphone test.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.Mark Twain

Dr Donne's verses are like the peace of God; they pass all understanding.James I.