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▲初稿
Great changes have taken place in our daily lives over the past thirty years. Now take my hometown for example. The living condition is getting better and better. Our house was small and simple in the past, but now we’re living in a better-conditioned house with People were ... , while now ... furniture, which makes our life extremely convenient. Very few students went to university in the past, while now more and more students have the chances to attend college. And even many students choose to study abroad. Moreover, we used to wear simple dresses, but now we dress much more beautiful and fashionable. Besides,more and more people travel abroad. In a word, our life has great changes in many aspects.
Life style
▲写作任务:
学校上周组织同学们参观了一场"城市变迁"图 片展览。通过图片你了解了许多关于城市的 古老记忆,感触颇深。请你写一篇题为"Our Life of Today and Yesterday"的英语短文给校 英语广播站投稿。词数: 120左右。 要求: 1. 结合实际,观察发生在你生活中的变化； 2.注意前后对比,突出变化的具体方面； 3. 观点明确、意思表达连贯、语言通顺。
▲教师点评:
文章按照逐点对照法进行了对比,举出了生活水平、教育普及程度、出国 旅游等方面的具体内容来展开对比,时态、语态的灵活变化突出了这种对 比所呈现的时空转换。但是文章结构还显混乱,段落层次不清晰；另外,文 章中用词过于简单,句式单一,使整个文章结构松散。具体的问题表现在以 下方面: 1. 结构松散,层次混乱。原文虽然内容完整,但是没有条理。如文章前面写 到The living condition is getting better and better,但后面又出现了衣着。 因此,建议将主体段落分成三部分,把住房和穿着归为生活条件,然后再写 教育和旅游,这样可以使文章更有条理、更清晰。 2. 用词不规范,句式单一。该文中house一词的使用极不规范,应该用更具 体的room或apartment替换。此外,整篇文章基本上是简单句的堆砌,句式 缺乏变化。所以应注意选词的准确性以及句式的多样性。
▲Powerful Sentences:
1. People were ... , while now ...人…而现在 2. People were not aware of ... in the past, but now they are ... 人们没有意识到…在过去 ，但现在他们 3. There’s a remarkable difference in ...有一 个显着的差异 4. The following items show how they differ 下列项目展示他们如何不同
▲成稿:
In the last thirty years, our country has developed very quickly. Great changes have taken place in our daily lives and we all witness them in different ways. In the past, several generations lived in a crowded simple room, but now most people have moved into modern apartments with convenient furniture and domestic appliances. In regards to higher education, colleges have opened their doors to more and more students than ever before. Increasingly, students want to study abroad, which contrasts sharply with the past. Compared to the past, there are many international companies and services that make our travel more convenient and more colorful than before. To sum up, our lifestyles have changed a lot and become more and more comfortable. I hope it keeps changing for the better.
▲写作分析:
1. 本次的写作任务是对比今昔生活的变化,属于说明文范畴。考查的写作 技能是对比比较法(contrast＆comparison)。使用这种写作手法时,文章旨 在指出不同事物之间的相似性(similarities)或相似事物之间的差异性 (differences)。根据命题要求,我们可以看出本次写作任务是对比今昔生 活所发生的变化,即不同之处,因此用对比法。 比较和对比一般采用如下两种文章框架:1)对事物的异同之处逐点进行比 较对照,分别罗列,使读者容易掌握两个事物之间的差别,表述模式为 :A1,B1；A2,B2；A3,B3 ... ；2)对事物的异同之处以比较对象为单位进 行比较对照,使读者对事物的整体特点一目了然,表述模式为:A1,A2,A3; B1, B2, B3 ... 。 2. 就本次写作任务而言,我们可以采用逐点比较,从生活、教育、旅游等方 面进行对比。举出具体的事例来说明今昔生活的变化。在对比过程中,要 注意使用表示比较对比类的连接词或短语来衔接上下文,使行文流畅。如, while, whereas, unlike, compared with, different from等。在完成逐点的 比较后,还需要对全文做一个总结,这样可以在内容上和开头相互呼应,使 文章结构完整。
谢ly [英][ɪnˈkri:sɪŋli][美][ɪnˈkriːsɪŋli] adv.越来越多地; 日益，格外; 越来越…; 愈;
▲教师点评:
成稿注重措词的精确性和句式的多样性,使文 章内容丰富,整体结构更加紧凑,如 Increasingly, students want to study abroad, which contrasts sharply with the past.；同时 ,一些连接词如what’s more, compared to等的 使用使文章行文流畅,思路清晰；此外,篇章结 构更加完善。通过第一段引出本文的话题,即 great changes,第二段开始展开对great changes的具体阐述,第三段进行总结,呼应开 头, 最后还表达了自己美好的愿望。
单词
1.condition [英][kənˈdɪʃn][美][kənˈdɪʃən] • n.情况，状态; 环境，条件; 健康状况; 身份; • vt.制约; 限制; 使习惯于; 使适应; • vt.& vi.对…具有重要影响; 影响（某事发生的方式）; 保持（头发或皮肤等的） 健康; 养护; • 第三人称单数：conditions过去分词：conditioned复数：conditions现在进 conditioning过去式：conditioned 2.simple [英]['sɪmpl][美][ˈsɪmpəl] • adj.简单的; 单纯的; 易受骗的; 天真的; • n.笨蛋; 愚蠢的行为; 出身低微者; 3.conditioned[英][kən'dɪʃənd] [美][kən'dɪʃənd] • adj.有条件的，习惯于…的; 4.extremely [英][ɪkˈstri:mli][美][ɪk'strimlɪ] • adv.极端地; 非常，很; 去; 绝; 5.convenient [英][kənˈvi:niənt][美][kənˈvinjənt] • adj.方便的; [废语]适当的; [口语]近便的; 实用的;
