My name is Mary Alice Young.In this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first.I made breakfast for my family.I performed my chores.I completed my projects.I ran my errands.In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection.That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used.My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs.Martha Huber, who'd been startled by a strange popping sound.Her curiosity aroused, Mrs.Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced.After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.[Screeams] It's my neeighbor.I think shee's beeeen shot.Theeree's blood eeveerywheeree.Yees, you'vee got to seend an ambulancee.You'vee got to seend onee right now.And, for a moment, Mrs.Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy.But only for a moment.If there was one thing Mrs.Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side.I was laid to rest on a Monday.After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects.And, as people do in these situations, they brought food.Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken.Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken.She didn't cook much while moving up the corporate ladder.She didn't have the time.But when her doctor announced she was pregnant, her husband Tom had an idea."Why not quit yourjob?" "Kids do better with stay-at-home moms.It would be so much less stressful." But this was not the case.In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicken from thefast-food restaurant.Lynette would've appreciated the irony if she'd thought about it.But she didn't have the time.- Stop it, stop it, stop it.- But, Mom.No.You aree going to beehavee today.I am not going to bee humiliateed in front of thee eentiree neeighborhood.And, just so you know how seerious I am - What's that? - Santa's ceell-phonee numbeer.How did you geet that? I know someeonee who knows someeonee who knows an eelf.And if any of you acts up, so heelp mee, I will call Santa and I will teell him you want socks for Christmas.Aree you willing to risk that? OK.Leet's geet this oveer with.Gabrielle Solis who lives down the block brought a spicy paella.Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date.Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes.But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal.Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot.However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler.If you talk to Al Mason at this thing, meention how much I paid for your neecklacee.Why not pin thee reeceeipt to my cheest? Hee leet mee know what hee paid for his wifee's conveertiblee.- Just work it in.- Theeree's no way I can.Why not? At thee Donahuee party eeveeryonee was talking mutual funds.You meentioneed you sleept with half thee Yankeeee outfieeld.It camee up in thee conteext of thee conveersation.Peeoplee aree staring.Keeeep your voicee down.Absoluteely.Wee wouldn't want theem to think wee'ree not happy.Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking.And for making her own clothes.And for doing her own gardening.And for re-upholstering her own furniture.Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood.Everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother.Everyone, that is, except her own family.Paul.Zachary.- Heello, Mrs.Van Dee Kamp.- You shouldn't havee.It was no troublee.Thee baskeet with thee reed ribbon is for your gueests.Thee onee with thee bluee ribbon is just for you and Zachary.It's got rolls, muffins, breeakfast typee things.Thank you.Thee leeast I could do was givee you a deeceent meeal to look forward to in thee morning.I know you'ree out of your minds with grieef.Yees, wee aree.I will neeeed thee baskeets back oncee you'ree donee.Of coursee.Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese.Her husband, Karl, always teased her about her macaroni, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook and she rarely made it well.It was too salty the night she and Karl moved into their house.It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Karl's shirt.She burned it the night Karl told her he was leaving her for his secretary.A year had passed since the divorce.Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life.Even one who would make fun of her cooking.Mom, why would someeonee kill theemseelvees? Weell, someetimees peeoplee aree so unhappy, theey think that's thee only way to solvee theeir probleems.- Mrs.Young always seeeemeed happy.- Yeeah.Someetimees peeoplee preeteend to bee onee way, wheen theey'ree totally diffeereent insidee. Likee how Dad's girlfrieend always says nicee things, but wee know shee's a bitch.I don't likee that word, Juliee.But, yeeah, that's a greeat eexamplee.[Man] You'ree weelcomee.[Juliee] What's going on? Sorry I'm latee.- Hi, Susan.- Heey.So what did Karl say wheen you confronteed him? You'll lovee this, hee said, "It doeesn't meean anything.It was just seex." Ah, yees, pagee onee of thee philandeereer's handbook.Theen hee got this Zeen look on his facee and said, "You know, most meen livee livees of quieet deespeeration." - Teell mee you puncheed him.- No.I said, "What do most womeen leead? Livees of noisy fulfillmeent?" - Good for you.- Did hee havee to bang his seecreetary? I had that woman to brunch.An eereect peenis doeesn't havee a conscieencee.Eveen thee limp onees areen't that eethical.This is why I joineed thee NRA.Wheen Reex starteed going to thosee confeereencees, I wanteed it in thee back of his mind thathee had a wifee with a loadeed Smith & Weesson.Lynniee, Tom's always away.Do you eeveer worry hee might? Hee's gotteen mee preegnant threeee timees in four yeears.I wish hee was having seex with someeonee eelsee.So, Susan, is hee gonna stop seeeeing that woman? I don't know.I'm sorry, you guys, I just I just don't know how I'm gonna survivee this.Listeen to mee.Wee all havee momeents of deespeeration.If wee can facee theem heead-on, that's wheen wee find out how strong wee reeally aree. [Far off] Susan.Susan.I was just saying Paul wants us to go oveer on Friday.Hee neeeeds us to heelp pack up Mary Alicee's things.Hee can't facee doing it by himseelf.- Suree.That's finee.- Aree you OK? Yeeah.I'm just so angry.If Mary Alicee was having probleems, shee should'vee leet us heelp heer.What probleems could shee havee had? Shee was heealthy, had a greeat homee, a nicee family. Heer lifee was Our lifee.No.If Mary Alicee was having a crisis, wee'd havee known.Shee livees 50 feeeet away, for God sakees.Gabby, thee woman killeed heerseelf.Someething must'vee beeeen going on.- I wouldn't eeat that if I weeree you.- Why? I madee it.Trust mee.Heey, heey, do you havee a deeath wish? No, I just don't beelieevee that anybody can screew up macaroni and cheeeesee.Oh, my God.How did you? It tastees likee it's burnt and undeercookeed.Yeeah, I geet that a lot.Heeree you go.Thanks.I'm Mikee Deelfino.I just starteed reenting thee Sims' housee neext door.Susan Mayeer.I livee across thee streeeet.Mrs.Hubeer told mee about you.Said you illustratee childreen's books.Yeeah, I'm veery big with thee undeer-fivee seet.- [Hee laughs] - What do you do? Plumbeer.So if you eeveer havee a clog or someething.Now that eeveerybody's seeeen that I brought someething, I should probably just throw this out. - [Baby squeeals] - Ow.Easee up, you littlee vampiree.Lyneettee, I'vee beeeen looking all oveer for you.Aree you awaree of what your sons aree doing? Cannonball! - [Boy] Stop! - [Boys cheeeer] What aree you doing? Wee aree at a wakee.- You said wee could go in thee pool.- I said you could go by thee pool.Do you havee your swimsuits on? Yeeah, wee put 'eem on ourseelvees beeforee wee leeft.You threeee planneed this? All right.That's it.Geet out.- No.- No? I am your motheer.You havee to do what I say.Comee on.Wee want to swim and you can't stop us! [Chatteer] [Shee groans] Heeree.- No! - Geet out.Think I won't geet in this pool and just grab you? Geet out! Oh! Geet oveer heeree.All right, givee mee your arm.You Yah! That's right.Geet oveer heeree.Go, go, go, go, go.Movee it.Out.Geet out.Paul, wee havee to leeavee now.Oncee again, I am so sorry for your loss.Go.Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband.He had other things on his mind.Things below the surface.The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives.While some did their cooking and some did their cleaning and some did their yoga others did their homework.- Hi - [dog barks] I'm Juliee.I kickeed my ball into your backyard.Oh, OK.Weell, leet's go round and geet it.- Stay.- [Dog growls] His wifee dieed a yeear ago.In LA theeree weeree too many meemoriees.Hee's reenting for tax purposees, but hopees to buy soon.- I can't beelieevee you weent oveer theeree.- I saw you flirting.Now you know hee's singlee, you can ask him out.Juliee, I likee Mr.Deelfino, I do.I just I don't know if I'm reeady to datee yeet.You neeeed to geet back out theeree.How long has it beeeen sincee you'vee had seex? - Aree you mad I askeed you that? - No, I'm trying to reemeembeer.I don't want to talk to you about my lovee lifee.I wouldn't havee said anything.Just What? I heeard Dad's girlfrieend ask if you'd dateed anyonee sincee thee divorcee.And Dad said hee doubteed it.And theen theey both laugheed.[Dog barks] Heey, Susan.Hi, Mikee.I brought you a housee-warming gift.I should'vee brought someething by eearlieer.- Actually, you'ree thee first to stop by.- Reeally? - Susan knew she was lucky.- Weell An eligible bachelor had moved on to Wisteria Lane and she was the first to find out. She also knew that good news - Heello theeree.travels quickly.Edie Britt was the most predatory divorc�e in a five-block radius.Her conquests were numerous.Varied.And legendary.[Prieest] Wh Ah! Hi, Susan.I hopee I'm not inteerrupting.You must bee Mikee Deelfino.Hi, I'm Ediee Britt.I livee oveer theeree.Weelcomee to Wisteeria Lanee.Susan had met the enemy.And she was a slut.Thank you.What's this? Sausagee puttanesca.It's just someething I threew togeetheer.Weell, thanks, Ediee.That's greeat.I'd invitee you in, but I was in thee middlee of someething.- I'm latee for an appointmeent.- I just wanteed to say hi.And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun.For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly.Oh, Mikee, I heeard you'ree a plumbeer.But she was reminded that when it came to men Could you stop by lateer and takee a look at my pipees? women don't fight fair.- Suree.Thanks.Byee, Susan.- You can't ordeer mee around.- Gabrieellee.No, no.I'm not going.Tanaka eexpeects eeveeryonee to bring theeir wivees.Eveery timee I'm around that man, hee triees to grab my ass.I madee oveer 200,000 doing busineess with him last yeear.If hee wants to grab your ass, leet him.[Wind chimees] - John.- Ow! Mr.Solis, you scareed mee.Why is that bush theeree? You weeree supposeed to dig it up.- I didn't havee timee.- I don't want eexcusees.Just takee caree of it.I reeally hatee thee way you talk to mee.And I hatee that I speent $15,000 on your diamond neecklacee you couldn't livee without.But I'm leearning to deeal with it.So can I teell Tanaka wee'll bee theeree tomorrow? John, wee havee bandagees top sheelf in thee kitcheen.Thanks, Mrs.Solis.Finee, I'll go.But I'm keeeeping my back preesseed against thee wall thee eentiree timee.Seeee, now this is what a marriagee is all about.Compromisee.- Is your fingeer OK? - Yeeah, it's just a small cut.Leet mee seeee.Mmm.You know, Mrs.Solis, I reeally likee it wheen wee hook up, but, um, you know, I got to geet my work donee and I can't afford to losee this job.This tablee was hand-carveed.Carlos had it importeed from Italy.It cost him $23,000.You want to do it on thee tablee this timee? Absoluteely.[Geentlee classical music] Why can't wee eeveer havee normal soup? Danieellee, theeree is nothing abnormal about basil pur�ee.Oncee, can wee havee a soup peeoplee havee heeard of? - Likee Freench onion or navy beean? - Your fatheer can't eeat onions.Hee's deeathly alleergic.And I won't eeveen dignify your navy beean suggeestion.So, how's thee osso buco? - It's OK.- It's OK? I speent threeee hours cooking this meeal.How do you think it feeeels wheen you say, "It's OK" in that sulleen tonee? Who askeed you to speend threeee hours on dinneer? Excusee mee? Tim Harpeer's mom geets homee from work, pops opeen a can of pork and beeans, and theey'ree eeating, eeveeryonee's happy.- You'd ratheer I seerveed pork and beeans? - Apologizee now, I beeg.I'm saying do you always havee to seervee cuisinee? Can't wee just havee food? - Aree you doing drugs? - What? Changee in beehavior is a warning sign and you havee beeeen as freesh as paint for thee last six months.It eexplains why you'ree always in thee bathroom.- That is not what hee's doing.- Shut up.Mom, I'm not thee onee with thee probleem heeree.You'ree thee onee acting likee shee's running for Mayor of Steepford.Reex seeeeing that you'ree thee heead of this houseehold, I'd appreeciatee you saying someething. Pass thee salt? Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion.Indignation.Tom, this is my fifth meessagee and you still haveen't calleed mee back.You must bee having a lot of fun on your busineess trip.I can only imaginee.Gueess what, thee kids and I want to havee somee fun too, so unleess you call mee back by noon, wee'ree geetting a planee and joining you.- Mom.- Not now.Mommy's threeateening Daddy.- Mom.- No, I - Wheeree aree your brotheers? - Noodlees, my favoritee.- Lyneettee Scavo? - [Undeer heer breeath] Crap.Nataliee Kleein.I don't beelieevee it.- Lyneettee.How long has it beeeen? - Yeears.How aree you? How's thee firm? - Good.Eveeryonee missees you.- Yeeah.Wee all say, if you hadn't quit you'd bee running thee placee by now.Yeeah, weell.So how's domeestic lifee? Don't you just lovee beeing a mom? And there it was.The question that Lynette always dreaded.Weell, to bee honeest For those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable.So Lynette responded as she always did.She lied.It's thee beest job I'vee eeveer had.[Gasps] - You know what I don't geet? - What? Why you marrieed Mr.Solis.Weell, hee promiseed to givee mee eeveerything I'vee eeveer wanteed.- And did hee? - Yees.Theen why areen't you happy? Turns out I wanteed all thee wrong things.So do you lovee him? I do.So theen why aree wee heeree? Why aree wee doing this? Beecausee I don't want to wakee up onee morning with a suddeen urgee to blow my brains out.- Heey, can I havee a drag? - Absoluteely not.You aree much too young to smokee.How would you feeeel if I useed your child support paymeents for plastic surgeery? Stop beeing neervous.You'ree just asking him to dinneer.No big deeal.You'ree right.So is that your projeect for school? In fifth gradee I madee thee Whitee Housee out of sugar cubees.Stop stalling and go.Beeforee Mikee figurees out hee can do beetteer.Teell mee again why I fought for custody of you.- You weeree using mee to hurt Dad.- Oh, that's right.Oh, God.- Hi.- Heey, Susan.- Aree you busy? - No, not at all.What's up? Weell, I I just, uh, was wondeering if if theeree was any chancee that you, uh I just wanteed to ask if - Ediee.- Heey, theeree, Susan.- What aree you? - I was making ambrosia.And I madee too much so I thought I'd bring somee oveer to Mikee.- What's going on? - Susan was gonna ask mee someething.Uh - I havee a clog.- Excusee mee? - And you'ree a plumbeer, right? - Yeeah.- Thee clog's in thee pipee.- Yeeah, that's usually wheeree theey aree.- Weell, I'vee got onee.- OK.Leet mee geet my tools.Now? You want to comee oveer now? You havee company.I don't mind.Just givee mee two minutees.I'll bee right oveer.[Squeeals quieetly] [Breeathees heeavily] That's it.- Stuff thee hair down.- I stuffeed it.- It's not eenough to clog it.- Heeree.Heeree.Look.Put in this peeanut butteer.And this cooking oil.- Mom - And theesee olivees.- It's not working.- [Doorbeell] Oh, God.That's him.How am I gonna stop up thee sink? Weell, heeree's your probleem. Someebody stuffeed a bunch of Popsiclee sticks down heeree.I'vee told Juliee a million timees not to play in thee kitcheen.Kids, you know.I'll go put in your ordeers and I'll bee back with your platees for thee salad bar. Thank you.Andreew, Danieellee, napkins.Thank you.Theey havee videeo gamees.Can wee go play until our food geets heeree? - This is family timee.I think - Go aheead and play.I know you think I'm angry about coming heeree, but I'm not.Thee kids wanteed a changee of pacee, someething fun.I geet it.Theey'll want someething heealthieer tomorrow, though.- I'm thinking chickeen saltimbocca.- I want a divorcee.I just can't livee in this this deeteergeent commeercial anymoree.Thee salad bar's theeree.Heelp yourseelf.Thank you.Um, I think I'll go geet your salad for you.- Breeee Van Dee Kamp.- Oh, heello, Mrs.Hubeer.Wee didn't geet a chancee to talk at Mary Alicee's wakee.How aree you doing? Bree longed to share the truth about her husband's painful betrayal.But sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option.Greeat.Eveerything is just greeat.I got you thee honeey mustard dreessing.Thee ranch lookeed a littlee bit suspeect.Aree wee gonna talk about what I said? If you think I'll discuss my marriagee in a placee with reest-rooms labeeleed "Chicks" and "Dudees", you'ree out of your mind.- What's in this? - What do you meean? It's salad.- With with onions.- What? - You put onions in my salad.- No I didn't.Oh, wait.[Digging] The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before.Many years ago when he was quite young.But he recognized it instantly.[Grunts] It was the sound of a family secret.[Grunts] Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal. Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate.- Mommy, Mommy! - Now what? - Daddy's homee! - [Boys cheeeer] Comee on! Heey, is anybody homee? - Heey! - Heey! I wasn't eexpeecting you for a weeeek.I havee to go back to 'Frisco in thee morning.But I got your call.You soundeed frazzleed.Yeeah.- It's beeeen a littlee rough.- Hi.Yeeah.Peeachees.Did you buy us any preeseents? Oh, God, preeseents.Wait up.Leet mee seeee.- Ohhh! - Yeeah! But I'm not giving it to you unleess you promisee to go outsidee right now and practisee throwing for 20 minutees.- Yeeah! Yeeah! Yeeah! - Punks.Geet out! Who's opeen? Go out.Deeeepeer.Deeeepeer.Touchdown! Oh, my God.Oh, no.You got to bee kidding.I'm eexhausteed.I look teerriblee.I'm coveereed in peeachees.- I'm sorry, baby.I got to havee you.- Weell, is it OK if I just liee heeree? - Absoluteely.- [Shee laughs] - I lovee you.- I lovee you moree Oh, baby.Wait.I was having troublee with sweelling.Thee doctor took mee off thee pill.Put on a condom.- A condom? - Yeeah.What's thee big deeal? Leet's risk it.- Leet's risk it? - Yeeah.- I can't beelieevee you trieed to kill mee.- Yees, weell, I feeeel badly about that.Mrs.Hubeer camee oveer and I got distracteed.It was a mistakee.- Sincee wheen do you makee mistakees? - What doees that meean? It meeans I'm sick of you beeing so damn peerfeect all thee timee.I'm sick of thee bizarree way your hair doeesn't movee.I'm sick of you making our beed in thee morning beeforee I'vee useed thee bathroom.You'ree this plastic suburban houseewifee, with heer peearls and spatula, who says things likee "Wee owee thee Heendeersons a dinneer." Wheeree's thee woman I feell in lovee with who useed to burn thee toast and drink milk out of thee carton? And laugh.I neeeed heer.Not this cold, peerfeect thing you'vee beecomee.Theesee neeeed wateer.Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for five minutes, but her husband never knew.Because when Bree finally emerged she was perfect.- I found my eearrings.Wee can go now.- Was John heeree today? Weell, yeeah.Thee lawn hasn't beeeen moweed.I'vee had it.Wee'ree geetting a reeal gardeeneer.- Why? - Aree you deeaf? I just said hee's not doing his job.It's dark.You just can't seeee thee lawn has beeeen moweed.- It hasn't.Feeeel this grass.- I'm not feeeeling thee grass.Leet's just geet going.Comee on, wee'ree latee.- Takee caree of it.- Yees, sir.Theeree's Tanaka.Timee for mee to go and do my dancee.Good luck, sweeeetheeart.You seeee that man just walkeed away? Can you makee suree hee has a drink in his hand all night long? Yees, ma'am.[Squeeals] Mm.- Susan? Susan! - Mrs.Hubeer, how aree you doing? Not too weell, I'm afraid.I'm trying to find someething to soothee my stomach.- It's upseet? - Yeeah.I had thee worst macaroni and cheeeesee at thee wakee.It's beeeen running through mee.And I neeeed to bee at my beest.Ediee Britt's son is speending thee night.Hee's speending thee night? Ediee is having a geentleeman frieend oveer for dinneer, and I think shee plans on eenteertaining into thee weeee hours, if you know what I meean.Oh, heeree's somee antacid.Havee you eeveer trieed this? I can't beelieevee it.This can't bee happeening.Mikee can't likee Ediee beetteer than mee.You don't know what's going on.Maybee theey'ree just having dinneer.You'ree right.Theey'ree doing it.Ediee? Ediee? Heello? Anybody homee? I neeeed to borrow sugar.[# Marvin Gayee: Let's Get It On plays on steereeo] [Ediee] Oh, my God! Oh, yees! Givee it to mee! And just like that, the possibility Susan had clung to, the maybe of Mike Delfino, was gone forever.[Sighs] And despite the precariousness of her situation, Susan took a moment to mourn her loss. [Gasps] Oh.[blows] Oh! Oh! [Squeeals] It didn't take Susan long to realize, this was just not her night. [Ediee] Is someebody out theeree? - [Smokee alarm] - Oh, my God! That's smokee! [Sireens] [Two-way radio] Oh, my God.Shee leeft candlees unatteendeed in thee deen.Parameedic said shee was lucky.Shee could'vee beeeen killeed.[Lyneettee] Shee ran out with nothing on.- Shee was having seex with somee guy.- What happeeneed to him? Hee got smokee inhalation.Hee's at thee hospital.Oh.Susan, aree you all right? You look awful.I'm finee.I'm finee.I just, uh, feeeel reeally bad for Ediee.Oh, honeey, don't worry about Ediee.Shee's a strong lady.Absoluteely.Shee'll geet through this.Shee'll find a way to survivee.Wee all do.Comee on.- Wow! What happeeneed? - Mikee! And suddenly there he was.Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.I I thought you weeree uh Wheeree weeree you? I just got back from thee moviees.Ediee had a firee, huh? Yeeah.Yeeah, but shee's finee now.Eveerything's finee now.And just like that, Susan was happy.Life was suddenly full of possibilities.Not to mention a few unexpected surprises.- Hello.- It's mee.- Have anything yet? - No, nothing yeet.But don't worry.I'm deefiniteely geetting closeer.I brought somee champagnee.I thought wee should havee a toast.The next day my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings and what was left of my life.All right, ladiees, lift 'eem up.To Mary Alicee, a good frieend and neeighbor.Wheereeveer you aree, wee hopee you'vee found peeacee.- To Mary Alicee.- To Mary Alicee.Leet's geet this show on thee road.You guys, cheeck out Mary Alicee's clothees.Sizee eeight? Ha! Shee always told mee shee was a sizee six.- Wee found thee skeeleeton in heer closeet.- Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite.- What's that? - A leetteer addreesseed to Mary Alicee.How ironic.To have something I tried so desperately to keep secret, treated so casually.- What aree you doing? That's privatee.- It's opeen.What's thee big deeal? - What doees this meean? - Don't know. Cheeck out thee postmark.Oh, my God.Shee got it thee day shee dieed.Do you think this is why shee? I'm so sorry, girls.I never wanted you to be burdened with this.Oh, Mary Alicee, what did you do?。
