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Telling you, Ross, she wants you.She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. - Any contact? - She lent me an egg.- You're in! - Right.- Hey, Ross. - Hey!Come on. Ross, you got get back in the game.The Rachel thing isn't happening,your ex-wife's a lesbian....I don't think we need a third.Excuse me. Could we get an egg, still in the shell?An egg?Yeah. You gonna go up to her and say,"Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."I think it's winning.- It's insane. - She'll love it.-Thank you. -Thank you. Here.Go with the egg, my friend.Go, go, go!- Think it'll work? - No way. It's suicide.The man's got an egg.- You can't do this. - Do what?Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.No! Pheebs, don't you remember why you dumped him? Because he was creepy.And mean. And a little frightening.Still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guyany night of the year.I know I do.What are you guys doing tomorrow night?Actually tomorrow night kind of depends on how tonight goes. - About tonight - Don't ger your bail on me!The only reason she's goin' out with meis because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.Yes I know, but her friend sounds like such a...Pathetic mess. I know, but....Come on, man. She's needy, vulnerable.I'm thinking....Thanks.You haven't been out with a woman since Janice.You're doing this.- She said yes. - Way to go, man!- Still got the egg,huh? - Yeah.How do I look?I don't care.There's Lorraine.Remember. No trading.You get the pretty one, I get the mess.Hi, Joey.Well, well! Look what you brought!Very nice.And what did you bring?She's checking her coat.Joey, I'm gonna wash the cab smell off of my hands.Get me a white zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.Janice?Janice!?Oh......my......God!Hey, it's Janice!Okay, I'm making a break for it! I'm going out through the window. No, no, no, I've been waiting for, like,forever to go out with Lorraine.- Just calm down. - Calm down?You set me up with a womanI've dumped twice in the last five months!Can you stop yelling? You're making me nervous and....I can't go when I'm nervous.I'm sorry, you're right.Come on! Do it, do it!Roger was creepy,but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.- Which one is Pete Carney? - Pete the Weeper.Remeber the guy that used to cry every time we had sex?"Was it good for you?"I'd take crying any day over Howard, the "I win" guy!"I win! I win!"We went out for two months. I didn't win once.How do we end up with these jerks?- We are good people! - I don't know.We're some kind of magnets.I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.There's more beer, right?You know my friend who shaves her head?She says to break the bad boyfriend cycle......you can do a cleansing ritual.Pheebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.Yeah.We can do it tomorrow night.It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.Okay, what kind of ritual?We can burn the stuff they gave us.Or...?Or we can chant and dance around naked with sticks.Burning's good.You know...... ever since I was little, I can pick up quarters with my toes.Yeah? Good for you.Quarters or rolls of quarters?By the way, Chandler, I cut you out of all of my pictures.So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.That's okay.Are you sure, really? Because you could make little puppets out of them.And you could use them in your Theater of Cruelty! We can't do that!What? What can't you do?Can I talk to you for a second? Over there?We might be leaving now.Tell me it's you and me "we."She wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is!But I definitely want to be a part of it!Okay, you cannot do this to me.You're right. I'm sorry.Can we have three chocolate mousses to go, please? I'm out of here.Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me.I'm sorry, Chandler.I hope she throws up on you.Thanks.- So.... - Just us.What a crappy night!I have enjoyed the fact......that your shirt's been sticking out of your zipper. Excuse me.How you doing?So do we have the best friends, or what?Joey's not a friend. He's......a stupid man who left us his credit card.Another drink? Dessert? A big-screen TV?- I'll have a drink. - Got it. Good woman!- Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne? -Each. That's right, each. And a rob roy.I've always wanted to know.Happy Valentine's Day!Oh, I miss you already.- Can you believe this happened? - No, no!And yet it did.- Goodbye, Janice. - Kiss me!Oh, Chandler. Sorry.Oh, Chandler. Sorry!- Hey, Janice. -Hi, Monica.Well, this was very special.Rach, come see who's out here!What's going on? Oh, my God!Janice! Hi!Janice is gonna go away now!I'll be right back.Joey! Look who it is!Good. Joey's home.This is so much fun!This is like a reunion in the hall!Ross, there's someone I want you to say hi to.He happened to call.Hi, Ross. That's right,it's me! How did you know?I'm just saying if dogs do its experience jet lag...... because of the seven dog years to one human year thing... ...when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles...... he doesn't just lose three hours,he loses a week and a half. That's funny!Who are they?The blond is my ex-wife.And the woman touching her is her......close, personal friend.You mean they're lovers?If you want to put a label on it.- Anything else I should know? - Nope. That's it.Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby.I always forget that part.Now we need sage branches and the sacramental wine.All I had is oregano and a Fresca.That's okay!Now we need the semen of a righteous man.Ok, Pheebs, you know what?If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. - Can we start throwing things in? - Yeah, okay!Okay. Barry's letters.Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.And I have the receipt from my dinner with....- A picture of Scotty Jared naked! - Let me see!- He's wearing a sweater. - No.Okay, and here we have the last of Paolo's grappa.Wait, isn't it almost pureHow can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.Hello, funny valentine!Hi, just Janice.Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker.I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna.If you don't do it, I will.So are you, what do you for a leaving?Well, you know, with..Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.I thought they could.- It's Valentine's Day. - I know, but it's my job.I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.I'm spending most of my time teaching science......which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.Now, that is funny!Do you think it would be too weirdif I invited Carol over to join us?Because she's alone now. And pregnant. And sad.- I guess. - Are you sure? Carol!- Wanna join us? - No, I'm fine.Come on. These people will scooch down.You guys will scooch, won't you?Let's try scooching! Come on!- Come on. - Thank you.IKristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick.Carol, Kristen.- How do you do? - Carol teaches sixth grade.And Kristen....Kristen does something......that, funnily enough......wasn't even her major!What do we got there?A piece of sik boxer shorts.Some greeting cards.A half-charred picture of....That guy's hairier than the chief!It's a really funny story how this happened.It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain.This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire we've seen get out of control. - You are the third one tonight. - Really?Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.- I brought you something. - Is it loaded?Oh, little candy hearts."Chan and Jan Forever."I had them made special.Okay, Janice.Hey, Janice.There's no way to tell you this.At least, there's no new way.I just don't think things are gonna work out.That's fine.It is?Because I know that this isn't the end.You see, actually, it is.No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen.Don't you know it yet?You love me, Chandler Bing!Oh, no, I don't.Then ask yourself this. Why do we keep ending up together? New Year's, who invited who?Valentine's, who asked who into bed?- I did, but - You seek me out!Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn! Janice! Janice!You want me. You need me.You can't live without me. And you know it.You just don't know you know it.See?Call me!It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.You did so, I swear toHow long has she been in the bathroom?She isn't in the bathroom. Her coat's gone.Well, maybe it's cold in there.Maybe I screwed up my first date in nine years.- That could be it. - Oh, God.You know, this is still pretty hot.Mushroom.Smile.They won't all be like this.Some might stay through dinner.- I'm sorry. That's not funny. - It's just....You know the whole "get on with your life" thing? Well, do I have to?I'm sitting here with this cute woman......and she's perfectly nice, but that......that's it.Then I'm here talking to you, and it's easy and it's fun. And I don't have to....- I know. - You know?Here's a wacky thought.Let's say you and I give it another shot.I know what you're gonna say. You're a lesbian.But what do you say we just put that aside for now. Let's just stick a pin in it.Because we're great together. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby.- I mean, how perfect is that? - RossYou keep saying that,but there's something right here. I love you.I love you too.- But - No "but."You know that thing we put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out.You'll find someone.The right woman is waiting for you.It's easy for you to say. You found one already.All you need is a woman who likes men, and you'll be set. Not her.We get off at midnight. We'll pick you up then.Okay. Great!So will you bring the truck?I'll even let you ring the bell.- We'll see you later. - Bye! See you later!Oh, my God!See? There you go. The cleansing worked.You're right. They're nice guys!They're firemen guys!You guys tell them you're married?No way. You kidding. My girlfriend doesn't even know. I'm not gonna tell them!第一季第十四集So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyour jobs a joke, you're broke,your love life's D.O.A.It's like you're always stuck in second gear,And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, butI'll be there for you,when the rain starts to pour.I'll be there for you,like I've been there before.I'll be there for you,'cause you're there for me too.'cause you're there for me too.'cause you're there for me too.'cause you're there for me too.'cause you're there for me too.。
老友记第一季中英文字幕第一集（开场场景：中央咖啡馆）莫妮卡（Monica）：你们知道吗，我昨天晚上梦到我们都六十岁了。
罗斯（Ross）：这个怎么可能？我到时候已经去世好多年了。
莫妮卡：我们活得好开心，我们在一个海滩度假，还和我们的孙子孙女一起。
菲比（Phoebe）：不过，我们如何在那个年纪还能有机会生孩子呢？莫妮卡：嗯，你说的有道理。
罗斯：真希望有个安宁的晚年。
Episode 1Opening Scene: Central Perk CaféMonica: You know what, I dreamt last night that we wereall sixty years old.Ross: That’s impossible. By then, I’ll have been dead for many years.Monica: We were living happily, on a beach vacation with our grandkids.Phoebe: But how did we manage to have kids at that age?Monica: Well, you have a point.Ross: I wish for a peaceful old age.本剧是一部美国情景喜剧，由大卫·克朗斯、马塞尔·博尔和凯文·布莱特创作。
剧情围绕着六位好友乔伊、钱德勒、罗斯、莫妮卡、瑞秋和菲比展开。
故事发生在纽约市曼哈顿的中央咖啡馆和他们的公寓中。
这一季共有24集，每集大约为22分钟。
以下将为您带来第一季每集的中英文字幕：This TV show is an American sitcom created by David Crane, Marta Kauffman, and Kevin Bright. The story revolves around six best friends - Joey, Chandler, Ross, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe. It takes place in the Central Perk Café and their apartments in Manhattan, New York City.The first season consists of 24 episodes, each with a duration of approximately 22 minutes. Below are the Chinese and English subtitles for each episode of the first season:第二集（中央咖啡馆）罗斯: 你知道吗，有一天你会发现那个人就在那里一直陪伴着你。
Everybody, shh, shh,SCentral Park is proud to present the music ofMiss Phoebe Buffay.Hi. Um, I want to start with a song that is about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about.OK, here we go.OK, thank you very much.What?Oh, great.This is just...Wow, this is so cool, you guys.The entire city is blacked out!Mom says it's all of Manhattan,parts of Brooklyn and Queens,and they have no idea when it's coming back on.Wow, you guys, this is big.Pants and a sweater? Why, mom?Who am I gonna meet in a blackout?Power company guys? Eligible looters?Could we talk about this later? OK.Can I borrow the phone?I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. What's my number?Well, I never call me.Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre.- Hi Mom, it's Jill. - She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre.I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre!Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium.Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule. Jill says vestibule...I'm going with vestibule.I'm fine. No, I'm not alone...I don't know, some guy.Oh! Some guy. Some guy.'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night.Yes, he was some guy.Hi everyone.And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani. Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish,and these are the only candles we have, so...Happy Chanukah, everyone.Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.That had to hurt!Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word.Oh God, do something. Just make contact,Smile!There you go!You're definitely scaring here.Would you like to call somebody?Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks.- Hello? - Hey, it's me.It's Chandler!- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.I'm trappd in an ATM vestibulewth Jill GoodacreWhat?I'm trappd... in an ATM vestibule...wth Jill Goodacre!I have no idea what you just said.Put Joey on the phone.What's up man?I'm trppd... in an ATM vestibule...wth Jill Goodacre.Oh my God!He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! Chandler, listen.Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind. Alright, somebody.OK, I'll go.OK, senior year of college... on a pool table.That's my sister.OK... my weirdest place would have to be...the women's room on the second floor ofthe New York CIty public library.Oh my God! What were you doing in a library? Pheebs, what about you?Oh... Milwaukee.Um... Ross?Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'No way!The ride broke down.So, Carol and I went behinda couple of those mechanical Dutch children...then they fixed the ride,and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. - Oh, Rachel. - Oh come on, I already went.- You did not go! - Come on.Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be...oh, the foot of the bed.Step back. We have a winner!I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there,in the middle of a theme park.Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line. There, well, see?Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course. Come on.No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.And you didn't marry him because...?I mean, do you think there are peoplewho go through life never having that kind of...Probably.But you know, I'll tell you something.- Passion is way overrated. - Yeah right.It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out.But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism.So, you know, for all of those people who miss out onthat passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.- OK. - But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.You don't.Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future.- Really? - Mmmm.-You do? - I do.Oh Ross, you're so great.It's never gonna happen.What?You and Rachel.Why not?Because you waited too long to make your move,and now you're in the friend zone.No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.Ross, you're mayor of the zone.I'm taking my time, alright?I'm laying the groundwork.Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...Priesthood!Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soonyou're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment.What? What, now?Yeeeeaaaahhh!What's messing you up?The wine? The candles? The moonlight?You've just got to go up to her and say,'Rachel, I think that...'What are you shushing?We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. What?Don't you hear that?See?Would you like some gum?Um, is it sugarless?Sorry, it's not.Oh, then no thanks.What the hell was that?Mental note : If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it.If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.*New York City has no power,**and the milk is getting sour.**But to me it is not scary,**because I stay away from dairy*- OK, here goes. - Are you going to do it? I'm going to do it.Do you want any help?You come out there, you're a dead man. Good luck, man.- Hey, where are you going? - Outside. You can't go out there.Why not?Because of... the reason.And that would be?I, um, can't tell you.-Joey, what's going on?OK, you've got to promise thatyou'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you. About what?He's planning your birthday party.Oh my God! I love him!You'd better act surprised.-- About what? - My surprise party!- What surprise party? - Oh stop it.Joey already told me.Well, he didn't tell me.Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing. This is so typical.I'm always the last one to know everything.No, you are not. We tell you stuff.Yuh-huh! I was the last one to knowwhen Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo.I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in.What?Looks like I was second to last.Hmmm... this is so nice.OK, I have a question. .Well, actually, it's not so much a question as..more of a general wondering... mentOK. Here goes.For a while now, I've been wanting to, um....Yes, yes, that's right...- Oh, look at the little cat! - What? Ow!*I'm on top of the world,**I'm on top of the world,**looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find,* This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.Sorry, that was wax.Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death.We should find his owner.Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall? During a blackout? He'd get trampled!-Yeah?You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. 'Gum would be perfection'?,''Gum would be perfection.'Could have said 'gum would be nice,'or 'I'll have a stick"but no, no, no, no.For me, gum is perfection.I loathe myself.Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things,Hi. We just found this catand we're looking for the owner.Er, yeah, it's mine.He seems to hate you.Are you sure?Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat.Wait a minute. What's his name?Ehhhh... B-Buttons.-Bob Buttons?Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob Buttons.Oooh! You are a very bad man!You owe me a cat.Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty.Where did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty...Kitty, kitty, kitty. Come here, kitty, kitty.- Hi. - Buona sera.Come on. Lucky sixes....Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo,I want you to meet my friends.This is Monica.And Joey....And Ross.He doesn't speak much English.- Monopoly! - Look at that!So, um... where did Paolo come from?Oh... Italy, I think.No, I mean tonight,in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!Is that funny?That, that is funny... and Rachel keeps touching him. Alright. I looked all over the buildingand I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again!And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo. Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.You betcha!Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bubble.A bubble's good. It's got a...boyish charm, it's impish.Here we go.Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK.All I need to do is reach overand put it in my mouth.Good save!We're back on track,and I'm...chewing someone else's gum.This is not my gum.Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking.Are you alright?My God, you're choking!That better?Yes.Thank you. That was... that was....Perfection?Wha-What did he say that was so funny?I have absolutely no idea.That's... that's classic.Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me!If you want, I'll do it.I know,I just want to bite his bottom lip.But I won't.God, the first time he smiled at me...those three seconds were more exciting thanthree weeks in Bermuda with Barry.You know, did you ride mopeds?Because I've heard...Oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK.Y'know, I know it's totally superficialand we have absolutely nothing in common,and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd.... Paolo.Hi.Ross!Listen. Um,listen.um,Something you should... know...Rachel and I...we're kind of a thing.Thing?Ah, you... have the sex?No,no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had,but that's... see, that's not the point.See, um, the point is that...Rachel and Ishould be, er, together.You know, and if you get in the.... um...Bed?No, that's not where I was going.Er, if you get in the... way, of us becoming a thing,then I would be, well, very sad.So you do know a little English.Poco... a leetle.Do you know the word crap weasel?- No. - That's funny,because you know, you are a huge crap weasel! Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this!Now watch, it's easy. OK. Ready?Try it.No, you've got to whip it.Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. negative 46, negative 47, negative 48- Thank you. - Thanks.Kinda... spooky without any lights.OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive oneHey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.- Well, this has been fun. - Yes.Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone...and for saving my life.Well, goodbye Chandler.I had a great blackout.See ya.Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457.And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that,but I would really like a copy of the tape.第一季第七集So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyour jobs a joke, you're broke,your love life's D.O.A.It's like you're always stuck in second gear,And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, butI'll be there for you,when the rain starts to pour.I'll be there for you,like I've been there before.I'll be there for you,'cause you're there for me too.'cause you're there for me too.。
Here's little Ben nodding off.Look at Aunt Monica's little boy!- Look, he's got Ross haircut. - Let me see.Oh, God! Is he just the sweetest thing?You must just wanna kiss him all over.That would be nice.- Pardon? - Nothing.Just a little extra air in my mouth.Chan, can you help me out here?I promise I'll pay you back.Right. Including the waffles last week, you now owe me... ... 17 jillion dollars.I will, really, I'll pay you back this time.Where's this money coming from?I'm helping out at the NYU Med School with some research. What kind of research?Just, you know, science.Science.Yeah, I think I've heard of that.It's a fertility study.Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.Come on, you guys, it's not that big a deal.I just go down there every other day......and make my contribution to the project.But at the end of two weeks, I get $700!You're gonna be making money hand over fist.Okay, we got the coleslaw, we got the buns.We got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys. Men are here!We make fire.Cook meat.Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.Cute.- Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late. - Okay. So how are things going with you two?Is she becoming your "special someone"?I don't know. She's pretty great.Yeah? What does she think of your little science project? What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like thatI'm also seeing a cup?Man's got a point.The tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.. Crazy bitch.Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program,and according to the rules, if I want to get the moneyI'm not allowed to conduct any...personal experiments,if you know what I mean.Joey, we always know what you mean.How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?- I'm going to China. - Jeez, you say one thing, and....- You are going to China? - Yeah. For the museum. Someone found a bone.We want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone.So I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us.It's a whole big bone thing.Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like...like a week.So, if you want to reach me, you can't.So here's my itinerary.- Here's a picture of me. - Oh, let me see.Could you take it to Carol's every now and then and show it to Ben - just so he doesn't forget me? - Yeah."Hi, Ben. I'm your father.""I am the head!"This barbecue's gonna be very fun.Is Rachel here? I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left. - No. She's out having drinks with Carl. - Hey, who's Carl?- You know that guy she met at the coffeehouse. - No.- You see, there's this guy she met at... - The coffeehouse? Right. So you do know who he is.I'll go say goodbye to the guys.Hey, you know what? Tell them that bone story.- I have to go to China. - The country?- I have to go to China. - The country?No, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront.Do you know who Carl is?Let's see. Alvin, Simon, Theodore.... No.Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.Oh no! How can she do thatwhen she's never shown any interest in you?!?- Forget about her. - He's right, man.Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.Of course, there they just call it "food."Yeah, I guess. I don't know.All right, just give her this for me, okay?- Listen, buddy, We're just looking out for you. - I know.We want you to be happy.And I may only have a couple beers in me,but I love you, man.I'm still on my first.I just think you're nice.Anyway, that's when me and my friends startedthis whole fruit basket business.We call ourselves "The Three Basketeers."Like "The Three Musketeers," only with fruit.OK, how does everybody like their burgers?No, presents first! Food later.Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up? Well, not so good. She definitely thinksthat tonight is the night we're gonna...plete the transaction, if you know whatAnd you do.So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?What do you mean?You know, just be there for her.Not following you.Think about it.Okay. I'm guessing this is from....- Thank you, Melanie. - This one right here is from me.Okay. It's light. It rattles.It's......Travel Scrabble!Thank you.This one's from Joey.It feels like a book, I think it's a book. And it's a book!It feels like a book, I think it's a book. And it's a book!It's Dr. Seuss!That book got me through some tough times.There's a little child inside this man.The doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.- Who's this from? - That's Ross'.Oh,my God! He remembered!- Remembered what? - lt was like months ago.We walked by this antique store.And I saw this pin in the window.And I told him it was like one my grandma had when I was a little girl.I can't believe he remembered!Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?It's so pretty! This must've cost him a fortune.I can't believe he did this.Come on, Ross, remember back in collage,when he fell in love with Carol......and bought her that expensive crystal duck?What did you just say?Crystal duck.No, no, no.The "love" part?Oh, my God!Oh, no, no, no.That's good. Just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. This is unbelievable. I mean, this is unbelievable!I know. This is really, really huge.No, it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.I don't think any of our lives will ever be the same ever again.Is there a mute button on this woman?I think this is so great. I mean, you and Ross!- Did you have any idea? - No, none!I mean, my first night in the city,he mentioned something about asking me out,but nothing ever happened so I just...What else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me? Well, given that he's desperately in love with you,he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something. Ross? All this time?I've gotta talk to him.- He's in China! - The country.Wati, his flight doesn't leave for 45 more minutes.- What about time difference? - From here to the airport?Yes!- You'll never make it! - I've gotta try.Rachel, what'll you say to him?- I don't know. - Then maybe you shouldn't go.He's right. If you're gonna break his heart,that the kind of thing that you can wait.Yeah, but if it's the good news, you should tell him now.I don't know, maybe I'll know when I see him.Here, look, all right, does this help?No. Look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him.I mean, this is just too big.I've just gotta talk to him. Okay, I'll see you later.Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first!Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first!All right.All right.- Ross! Excuse me, pardon me. - May I see your boarding pass? Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetwayunless you have a boarding passNo, I know, but I... he just went on. He's right there,he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...No, no. Federal regulations!Ok, Then could you please just give him a message for me? Please. - This is very important. - All right. What's the message?I don't know.Excuse me, sir! Excuse me, sir?- I have a message for you. - What?It's from Rachel, she said that she loved the present,- and she'll see you when you get back. - What?Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel. Don't give me that deep freeze.Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey!I think I blacked out there for a minute.It was nothing.Well,now we gotta find something fun for you.You know what?Forget about me. Let's give you another turn.- Me, again? - Sure. Why not?Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow!I gotta tell you, you are nothing like I thought you'd be.How do you mean?I don't know, I-I guess I just had you peggedas one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.'But you... you're a giver.You're like the most generous man I ever met.I mean, you're practically a woman.Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn...Are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I throw it out?I don't know. I don't know.I thought about it all the way there,and I thought about it all the way back. You know, it's Ross! You know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.- Sure! - Sure.I don't know. This is just my initial gut feeling...but I'm thinking it'd be really great.Oh, my God, me too! We'd be like friends-in-law!You know what the best part is?The best part is you already know all about him.It's like you start on the 15th date.Yeah, but you know, it would be like starting on the 15th date. Another good point.I mean, on the 15th date, you're already in a very... ..."relationship-y" place. You're committed.What happens if it doesn't work out?- Why isn't it working out? - I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't. Is he not cute enough for you? Does he not make enough money? - No, I'm just... - Maybe there's someone else.Is there? ls there someone else?No, there is no one else.Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?Hey, big Spender!She's still asleep.- So how'd it go? - Oh, it was amazing.You know how you always think you're great in bed?The fact that you'd even ask that questionshows how little you know me.Last night I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff.And the response I got! Man,oh,man!It was like a ticker-tape parade!I know. My room's very,very close to the parade route.It was amazing,and not just for her. For me too!It's like,all of a sudden I'm blind...... but all my other senses are heightened.It's like I was able to appreciate it......on another level.I didn't know you had another level.I know. Neither did l!- Hey, great skirt. Birthday present? -Yeah.- From who? - You.I exchanged the blouse you got me.Well, it's the thought.Doesn't Ross' flight get in in a couple hours?At gate 27B?Yeah. Monica,you know, I've been thinking about it.I've decided this whole Ross thing,it's just not a good idea.Why?Because I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him.I'd be going out with all of you.and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna... No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so... I'm not "so." Okay, I was a teensy bit weird at first...... but I'll be good. I promise.- Who is it? - It's me, Carl.- Come on up. - Behind my brother's back?is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me. - Seven hundred bucks! - All right,you did it!Do we have any fruit?Man, hell of a two weeks.You know what? I really feel like I learned something. Really? You're gonna stick with this "all for her" thing?What are you, crazy?When a blind man gets his sight back,does he walk around like this?I'm just saying, if I see one more picture of Ed Begley Jr...I'm just saying, if I see one more picture of Ed Begley Jr... ...in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself!I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm not against environmental issues, per se......it's just that guy!I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.Excuse me, I'm trying to have a date here.Fine. Just stop thinking about me.Can't do it, can you?I'm thinking about you. So what?I don't get it. What do you see in this guy anyway??Happens to be a very nice guy.I mean, come on, buddy! Get a real car!Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.Ross, it's too hard.Why, because it'll get weird for everyone else?Who cares about them. This is about us.I've been in love with you since the ninth grade.Ross, You're like my best friend.If we broke up, and I lost you...What makes you think we're gonna break up?Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up? No.But it only has to happen once.You and I both know we are perfect for each other. Right?So the only question is: Are you attracted to me?I don't know.I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.Well, start looking.Exactly!And you just know that I'm gonna be the guy......caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!Right! You're right.- You know what? - What?I forgot. I'm supposed to pick up a friend at the airport.I am so sorry!if you want to stay and finish your drinks, please do. - I'm sorry, I gotta go. I'm sorry. - But....Excuse me! Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry.Toby, for God's sake, will you let it go?There's no Rachel!Hey! I got that.-Thanks, sweetie. - No problem.I can't wait for you to meet my friends.-Really? - Yeah.You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?- No, they will. I just.... - Can't wait!Come on, they're gonna love you.第一季第二十四集So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyour jobs a joke, you're broke,your love life's D.O.A.It's like you're always stuck in second gear,And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, butI'll be there for you,when the rain starts to pour.I'll be there for you,like I've been there before.I'll be there for you,'cause you're there for me too.'cause you're there for me too.。
What you guys don't understand is,for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.Yeah, right!...Y'serious?Oh, yeah!Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Absolutely.Yeah, I think for us,kissing is pretty much like an opening act, you know?kissing is pretty much like an opening act, you know?I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.Yeah, and-and it's not thatwe don't like the comedian, it's that-that...that's not why we bought the ticket.The problem is, though, after the concert's over,no matter how great the show was,you girls are always looking for the comedian again, you know?I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic...basicallyjust trying to stay awake.Yeah, well, word of advice:Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourselfsitting at home, listening to that album alone....Are we still talking about sex?...Are we still talking about sex?No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- Mm-doesn't she seem a little angry?Well, she has issues.Does she?He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying toget the mastodon smell out of the carpet!Marsha, these are cave people.Okay? They have issues like'Gee, that glacier's getting kind of close.'- See? - Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife? Me? No.Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!Okay.Yes.Yes,it is.Okay.Yes.Yes,it is.How about I'll catch up with you in the Ice Age?You look great. I, uh...I hate that.Sorry. thanks.You look good too.Ah, well, in here, anyone who...stands erect...So what's new? Still, uh...A lesbian?Well...you never know. How's, um...how's the family?Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-Why- why are you here, Carol?I'm pregnant.Pregnant?!she didn't leave in such a hurry after allOh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company wherethere's some kind of misunderstanding....Then I've already seen this one!Are you through with that?Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.Whose little ball of paper is this?!Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself,and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and......now I wish I was dead.She's already fluffed that pillow...Monica, you know,you've already fluffed that--but, it's fine!Look , I'm sorry, guys,I just don't wanna give them any more ammunitionthan they already have.Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can beabout the flatness of a child's pillow.Monica? Hi!Um, Monica, you're scaring me.I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly.And not-not in a good way.Yeah, calm down.You don't see Ross getting all chaotic andtwirly every time they come.That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong.Y'see, he's the Prince.Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born. What?Ugly Naked Guy got a thigh-master!Has anybody seen my engagement ring?Yeah, it's beautiful.Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. No, look, don't touch that!Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough,having to give it back to him...'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veilwho stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!'Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring,without the ring, which makes it so much harder...Easy Rach, we'll find it. Won't we!Oh! Yeah!Alright, when do you have it on last?Doy! Probably right before she lost it!You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...I know I had it this morning,and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with......Dinah?Ohhhhh, don't be mad...You didn't?Oh, I am sorry...I gave you one job!Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!Now, Monica, you know that's nothow you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne...I just...can't do it.Boys? We're going in.Wow. That is not a happy hi.Carol's pregnant.Ooh! I found it!W-w-wh-...wha-...w-w-w-...Yeah. Do that for another two hours,you might be where I am right about now.Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon? Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing?Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved,but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved... basically it's totally up to me.She is so great! I miss her.What does she mean by 'involved'?I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done. Anyway, they want me to go down to this-sonogram thing with them tomorrow.So what are you gonna do?I have no idea.No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father. ...Well, this is still ruined, right?Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you.Mmm! What's that curry taste?Curry.I- I think they're great! I, I really do.Do you remember the Ludwins?The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?They all had a thing for him.Aw, Mom...I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me?Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or...I don't know.Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant-No Mom, I don't have a restaurant,I work in a restaurant.Well, they don't have to know that...Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?- Yeah. - Oh, we're having spaghetti!That's...easy.I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish,but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.What that Rachel did to her life...We ran into her parents at the club,they were not playing very well.I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding...but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money!Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...What's that supposed to mean?Nothing! It's an expression.No, it's not.Don't listen to your mother.You're independent, and you always have been!Even when you were a kid...and you were chubby, and you had no friends,you were just fine!And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles...Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars,with his museum, and his papers getting published.Other people are satisfied with staying where they are-I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer....And I read about these women trying to have it all,and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem. So, Ross, what's going on with you?Any stories?No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?Okay! Okay.Look, I, uh- I realiseyou guys have been wonderingwhat exactly happened between Carol and me, and,so, well, here's the deal.Carol's a lesbian.She's living with a woman named Susan.She's pregnant with my child,and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.And you knew about this?!Your folks are really that bad, huh?Well, y'know, these people are pros.They know what they're doing,they take their time, they get the job done.Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could--I'd want yours.Must pee.Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.- You're twins? - Yeah. We don't speak.She's like this high-powered, driven career type. What does she do?She's a waitress.All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. Chandler, you're an only child, right?- You don't have any of this. - Well, no,although I did have an imaginary friend, who...my parents actually preferred.The lights, please......How long was I in there?I'm just cleaning up.Do you...uh...do you need any help?Uh...okay, sure! Thanks!Anyway...um...So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?Oh...a little...A lot.So, got any advice?Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped?Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word'dumped'.Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific,I know it'll be hard.Or, y'know, uh, hey! I'll go down there,and I'll give Barry back his ring,and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow...When did it get so complicated?Got me.- Remember when we were in high school together? - Yeah.I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone,fall in love- and that'd be it?- Ross? - Yes, yes!Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here...Me either...Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work.There was this big dinosaur...thing...anyway.Ross, you remember Susan.How could I forget?Ross.Hello, Susan. Good shake. Good shake.So, uh, we're just waiting for...?Dr. Oberman.- ...Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he - She.She, of course, she- uh-familiar with our...special situation?Yes, and she's very supportive.Okay, that's great.No, I'm- Oh.Thanks.Ross? That opens my cervix.Barry?Come in.Are you sure?Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours. So, how are you doing?I'm- uh- I'm okay...You look great!Dr. Farber,- Jason Greenstein's gagging. - Be right there.Be back in a sec.I dumped him.So, how's this all gonna work?Y'know, with us?Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made? Give me a 'for instance'.Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay,how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?- Marlon. - Marlon?If it's a boy,Minnie if it's a girl....As in Mouse?As in my grandmother.Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse.Um,how about, um...how about Julia?Julia...We agreed on Minnie.Totally, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches.I believe Julia's on the table...?Sorry about that.So. What have you been up to?Oh, not much. I-I got a job.Oh, that's great.Why are- why are you so tanned?Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.- Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone? - No,I went with, uh...Now, this may hurt.- Me?! - No!I went with Mindy.Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.Oh! Well...um, You've got plugs!Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.And you've got lenses!But you hate sticking your finger in your eye!Not for her.Listen, I really wanted to thank you.See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you.More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.Wow. You know, you were right?I mean, I thought we were happy.We weren't happy.But with Mindy,now I'm happy.- Spit. - What?Me.Anyway, um,I guess this belongs to you.And thank you for giving it to me.Well, thank you for giving it back.Hello!Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?Helen Geller?I don't think so.- It's not gonna be Helen Geller. - Thank you!No, I mean it's not Geller.What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?No, actually, um,we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch.Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?It's my baby too.Oh, so funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm. Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is!All right, you two, stop it!No no no, she gets a credit,hey, I'm in there too.Ross. You're not actually suggestingHelen Willick-Bunch-Geller?Cause I think that borders on child abuse.Of course not,I'm...suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch.Oh, no, nonononono,you see what he's doing?He knows no-one's gonna say all those names,so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way!My way?! You-you think this is my way?Believe me, of all the waysI ever imagined this moment in my life being,this is not my way- y'know what?Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do-Knock knock! How are we today? Any nausea?- A little. - Yeah. - Yeah.Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be,but...thanks for sharing.Uh, lie back...You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go.I don't- I don't think I can be involvedin this particular thing right now.Oh, my God.Look at that.I know.Well? Isn't that amazing?What are we supposed to be seeing here?I don't know, but...I don't know, but...I think it's about to attack the Enterprise. You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes,it kind looks like an old potato.Then don't do that, alright?Okay!Monica. What do you think?Wh- are you welling up?No.You are, you're welling up.I'm not!You're gonna be an aunt.Oh shut up!Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel.Yeah, I'm fine.I saw Barry today. Yeah, he told me.No,i t's okay. Really, it's okayI hope you two are very happy, I really do.Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything-I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. Okay, I know it was a cheap shot,but I feel so much better now.第一季第二集So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyour jobs a joke, you're broke,your love life's D.O.A.It's like you're always stuck in second gear,And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, butI'll be there for you,when the rain starts to pour.I'll be there for you,like I've been there before.I'll be there for you,'cause you're there for me too.'cause you're there for me too.。
The One With the ThumbWritten by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz.Transcribed by: guineapig[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'All: Ohh. Ouch.Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.Rachel: Since when?Joey:Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.Rachel: And everybody knows this?Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.Ross:That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.Monica: Uh, Ross.Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!Opening Credits[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part.]Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."Chandler: Hey, that was really good!Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."Chandler: "Smoke away."(Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he lights a cigarett, takes a drag, and coughs.)Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.Joey: What?Chandler: Relax your hand!(Joey lets his wrist go limp.)Chandler: Not so much!Joey: Whoah!Chandler: Hey!Joey: Hey!Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.(Joey tries and visibly winces.)Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.Chandler:It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.(Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)Chandler:Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.Joey: Y'miss it?Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.)[Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.]Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.(The guys stretch out their fingers.)Joey: That's ridiculous!Ross: Can I use.. either thumb?Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits down without saying hi.)Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe?Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.Monica: What did they do to you?Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-Ross: Easy.Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...Monica: We're with you. We got it.(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?(Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)All: Oh! Oh, God!Ross: What is this?!Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!Chandler: And this- is my reward!Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!All: Ohhh! Put it out!Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.All: Oh, come on! Come on!Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?Monica: Nope. Schhorry.[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]Monica:I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.Paula:Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.Paula:Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]Joey: Let it go, Ross.Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.Monica: Do you all promise?All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?(Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain and he taps on the window.)Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!(Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.)(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)Ross: Hey, Pheebs.Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!Rachel: What bank is this?(The intercom buzzes.)Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan.Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!(Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)Monica:(to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.(She opens the door and Alan enters.)Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.Alan: Hi.All: Hi, Alan.Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!(Everyone laughs.)[Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?(Silence.)Monica: C'mon!Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!Monica:Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?All: Yeah!Rachel:And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.)The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah.Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!Ross: ...What shoe?Phoebe:From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'(Dubious pause.)Ross:...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.Rachel:What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.Monica: Really!Chandler:Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?All: What?Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.All: Yeah...Commercial Break[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.]Monica: Hi.. how was the game?Ross: Well..All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?Joey: Alan.Ross:He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.Chandler:Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..Monica:Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..Ross: What?Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless person (Lizzie) she knows.]Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie.Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl.Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)Lizzie: Saltines?Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in here.Phoebe: I know.Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing?Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no.Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat?Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.Lizzie: Please, let me do something.Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?Lizzie: Okay.Phoebe: Okay.[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray. He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette. While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.][Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot dog vendor.]Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?Phoebe: No, I'm fine.Lizzie: (leaves) See ya.(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.)Phoebe: Huh![Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.]Ross: A thumb?!(Phoebe nods.)All: Eww!Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see?All: Nooo!(Chandler lights a cigarette.)All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!Rachel: It's worse than the thumb!Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!Monica: Oh, why is it unfair?Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constantknuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?(An awkward silence ensues.)Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it.Joey:Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?(Phoebe spits out her hair.)Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"?(Monica laughs and snorts.)Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.(They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.)[Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.]Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like? Paula: No.Monica:Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.Paula:Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing.I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.[Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.]Joey: Do you have any respect for your body?Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.Rachel:(holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.Chandler:Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good.Ross: If only he were a woman.Rachel: Yeah.(They give each other a dubious look.)[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.]Chandler:Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.Ross:Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey?Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?Rachel: I think he's across the hall.Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go.Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?Ross: Hey, I might!Phoebe:Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.All: You're kidding. Oh my God.Phoebe:And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!Joey:(dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going on?Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..Rachel: Uh, Joey..Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay..All: Oh! That was Lambchop!Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk.Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.Monica: Alright, we have to talk.Phoebe: There it is!Monica:Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know.I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.(They all gasp and clutch each other.)Ross: Is there somebody else?Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.Rachel: We didn't change..Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?Phoebe:You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-Joey: Okay!Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.Monica: I'm sorry..Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.All: Oh, yeah! Right!Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.Monica: (dubious) I understand.[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to Alan.]Alan: Wow.Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry.Alan:Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.Monica: Relieved?Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.Closing Credits[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is mopping around and eating ice cream.]Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking.Monica: (entering) Hi.All: Mmm.Ross: So how'd it go?Monica: Oh, y'know..Phoebe: Did he mention us?Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look)Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.)Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.All: No no no!Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.End。
- She totally winked at me! - She did not wink at you.You always think somebody's winking at you.Huh.Huh.I say "Tupelo Honey" by Van Morrison.No way!The most romantic song ever was "The Way We Were."Ah, I think the one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's the Boss? - What song was that? - Um.[SINGING] Hold me close, young Tony DanzaPHOEBE: Hi, Monica. ROSS: Hi, Mon.RACHEL: Hey, Mon.Oh, my God!- Has she slept at all? ROSS: Nope.It's been three nights in a row.It's been three nights in a row.She finally stopped crying yesterday.But then she found one of Richard's cigar butts on the terrace...But then she found one of Richard's cigar butts on the terrace...Oh. Okay, that explains it. I got a call at 2 in the morning......and all I could hear was this squeaky sound.So I thought, "Oh, it's a mouse or a possum."Then I realized, like, okay......where would a mouse or a possum get the money to make the phone call? CHANDLER: Morning. - Morning. Hey.You made pancakes?You made pancakes?Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that. [SINGING] Monica and Rachel had syrupUh, uh Now I can get my man to cheer upUh, uh Now I can get my man to cheer upGood morning, Joey.Good morning.Here's a thought.Why don't you stay home from work and just hang out with me? Oh, I wish.You have that report to finish, and I've got to see my lawyer.I can't believe I date a girl who's getting divorced.- I'm such a grownup. - Ha-ha-ha.I gotta go, I gotta go.Not without a kiss.Maybe I won't kiss you so you'll stay.Kiss her. Kiss her!Kiss her. Kiss her!I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye, Joey.[MOCKING TONE] Bye-bye, Janice.So when are you dumping her?Nope.Not this time.Heh. Come on, quit yanking me.I'm not yanking you.- This is Janice. - Yeah, I know.She makes me happy.She makes me happy.Okay. All right.You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking......that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking....that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking.I'm not breaking up with her!I'm not breaking up with her![MOUTHS] What's that?God, look what I found in the drain!What?It's some of Richard's hair!What do I do with this?Getting it away from me would be job one.It's weird, but I don't want to throw this away.This is all I have left of him.Gross......drain hair....drain hair.Cool! Oh, it looks like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. Cool! Oh, it looks like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. - God, what is wrong with me? - You need to get some sleep.I need to get some Richard.You broke up with him for a reason.I know. I know. I'm just so tired of missing him.Tired of wondering why he hasn't called. Why hasn't he?Maybe because you told him not to?What are you, the Memory Woman?They're not breaking up! Chandler and Janice?They're not breaking up! He didn't blink!I'm not surprised. Have you seen them together?They're really cute."Cute"? This is Janice!You remember Janice?Yes, I remember. She's annoying. But you know what?She's his girlfriend now. I mean, what can we do?There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! "What can we do?" There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! "What can we do?" All right, who's first, huh? Ross?Chandler's our friend, and Janice makes him happy.So I say we be adult about it and accept her.We'll call that Plan B.Honey......I was wondering... - Mm....do you still have that, um, Navy uniform?No, I had to return it to the costume place.No, I had to return it to the costume place.I think I have an old band uniform from high school.You remember not having sex in high school, right?Yeah.Well, honey, what about you?- What? - I mean...- What? - I mean...Do you have any fun, you know, fantasy-type things?No.Come on. You gotta have one.Nope.- Ross, you know what? - What?If you tell me, I might do it.If you tell me, I might do it.Okay.Okay.Did you ever see, um, Return of the Jedi?Yeah.Do you remember the scene......with, um, Jabba the Hutt?Jabba had as his prisoner......Princess Leia....Princess Leia.Princess Leia was wearing......this, um, gold bikini thing.It was pretty cool.Yeah, Princess Leia and the gold bikini? Oh, every guy our age loved that. - Really? - Mm-hm. Mm.It's huge! That's the moment when she stopped being a princess......and she became, like, you know, a woman.Did you ever do the Leia thing?Oh, yeah. Mm-hm.Oh, yeah. Mm-hm.Really? That great, huh?No, it's just that I got this new pager, and I have it on "vibrate." No, it's just that I got this new pager, and I have it on "vibrate." See you.Hey.RACHEL: Hi, you guys!Look who I found standing outside the Szechuan Dragon... ...staring at a parking meter.- Ahem. Mon. Hi. - Hi.- Why aren't you at work? - Oh, they sent me home.Why?Because I don't work at the Szechuan Dragon.RACHEL: You really need to get some sleep.I know I do.- Hi. - Hi.Guess what? They published my paper.- Oh! Really? Let me see, let me see. - Uh-huh.Rach, look!RACHEL: No. - Ooh.Hi. Ha, ha.Hi. Ha, ha.Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me? Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me? There he is!- Hey. - Wheel!- Of! - Fortune!This guy's so stupid.It's Count Rushmore!You should really go on this show.I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What do you say?I say I am there!Cool! Oh.Is Ross going too?No. Janice.Janice?Because I just feel bad for Ross, you know?We always go together. We're like The Three Hockey-teers, you know?I may be way out on a limb here, but do you have a problem with Janice? No!Yes...Oh, God, how do I say this? Uh...Oh, God, how do I say this? Uh...You know that girl from the restaurant with the hair?Ooh! That girl that I hate? Ugh! She drives me crazy. Ew.Ooh! That girl that I hate? Ugh! She drives me crazy. Ew.Look, I don't hate Janice. She's just a lot to take, you know?- Well, there you go. - Oh.Don't look at me like that.She drove you nuts before too, remember?I'm crazy about her now. This could be the real thing.Capital R, capital T!Don't worry, those are the right letters.Look, what do you want me to say?I want you to say that you like her!I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know?Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna......pull my arm off so I have something to throw at her.Thanks for trying.Thanks for trying.Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore!Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?- Ugh. - How could you tell her?I didn't think it would be that big a deal!Oh. She didn't think it would be a big deal!Who are you talking to when you do that?Look, that was supposed to be a private, personal thing between us. Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay? We tell each other everything. Guys do the same thing.I mean, what about all that locker-room stuff?That's different. That's like, uh, who dated a stripper?Or who did it on the back of the Staten Island ferry?- Both of those Joey? - Yeah.- Both of those Joey? - Yeah.But you don't talk about your girlfriend......and the intimate stuff you do with her.- Not even with your best friend? - No.That is so sad.You're missing out on so much.I mean, the bonding and the sharing......and knowing they're going through the same thing you are.Oh. So, what, you tell each other everything?Pretty much.Did you talk about the Night of Five Times?Do you tell people about the Night of Five Times?Uh, honey, that was with Carol.I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think.Relax every muscle in your body.Relax every muscle in your body.Listen to the plinky-plunky music.Okay, now close your eyes......and think of a happy place.Tell me your happy place.Richard's living room, drinking wine.No, no, no. Not a Richard thing. Just put down the glass and get out. I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.Okay, fine. Use my happy place. Just don't move anything in there. I'll try not to.Okay. All right, so, you're in a meadow...lions of stars in the sky...You think breaking up was a mistake?There are no questions in the happy place.Just the warm breeze and the moonlight flowing through the trees. I'll bet he's over me. I'll bet he's fine.Betting and wagering of any kind are not permitted in the happy place. Okay?There's just, you know, the lovely waterfalls......and the trickling fountains......and the calming sounds of the babbling brook.- Okay, this isn't working. - Oh.I'm still awake, and now I have to pee.I'm still awake, and now I have to pee.So I hear......you hate me!I, uh, never said hate. I was very careful about that.A little birdie told me you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me. And you got "hate" from that? You're taking a big leap there, I, uh...All right, fine, fine, fine!We have got to do something about our little situation here.So this is my idea.You and me spending some quality time together.But what does that...?For Chandler!Okay. I'm in.Okay! This is what we'll call it: Joey and Janice's Day of Fun!Does it have to be a day?Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me.Yeah, I know. Ha. I sleep in the next room.I went down to the post office......and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered......for Richard about the Civil War.He loved the Civil War.He loved the Civil War.Do you want us to take you home?Do you want us to take you home?Do you want us to take you home?Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away.Women tell each other everything. Did you know that? Ha, ha. Yeah.No, Chandler, everything.Like stuff you like. Stuff she likes.Technique. Stamina. Girth.Girth?Why? Why? Why?Why would they do this?Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly......we ought to be doing it.Uh, do you want to?- We're not gonna talk about girth? - No.- Yeah. Okay. Yeah. - Yeah?All right, you go first.- Okay. Okay, I'll go first. - Okay.So, uh, the other night......Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies... ...and I happened to describe a particular......Star Wars thing...- Princess Leia and the gold bikini. - Yes.- I know! - Yes.- I know! - Yes.- Well, that was easy. Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.Okay, you go.- Okay. - Okay.Okay, you know when you're in bed with a woman...Okay, you know when you're in bed with a woman......and, uh, ahem, you know, you're fooling around......and you get all these mental images in your brain?Like Elle MacPherson or the girl at the Xerox place?- With the bellybutton ring? Oh. - Oh! I know.And then all of a sudden, your mom pops into your head.And then all of a sudden, your mom pops into your head.And you're, like, "Mom, get out of here!"But after that, you can't think of anything else.And you can't stop what you're doing. So it's kind of like you're... ...you know, you know...You don't know!Your mom?You're telling me about your mom? What's the matter with you? - You said... - I said "share," not "scare"!Go sit over there!- We're back! JOEY: Hey.What are you guys doing together?Joey and Janice's Day of Fun!Joey and Janice's Day of Fun!- Really? JOEY: Yeah, yeah.We went to a Mets game. We got Chinese food.And, uh, you know, I love this woman. Ha-ha-ha.And, uh, you know, I love this woman. Ha-ha-ha.You have got competition, buddy.You have got competition, buddy.Well, I just came by to give you a kiss.Well, I just came by to give you a kiss.I have to go pick up the baby. So I'll see you later, sweetheart.You too, Chandler.You too, Chandler.You too, Chandler.- You still can't stand her, can you? - I'm sorry, man. I tried! I really did! - You still can't stand her, can you? - I'm sorry, man. I tried! I really did!I appreciate you giving it a shot.But you know, the good thing......is that we spent the whole day together and I survived.And what's even more amazing, so did she. Ha, ha.It was Bat Day at Shea Stadium.I guess that's something.Oh, man, that's huge!Now I know I can stand to be around her. Which means......I get to hang out with you.Which is kind of the whole point anyway. Ha, ha.Okay.Oh, hey! We, uh, stopped by the coffee shop and, uh, ran into Ross. Oh, God.If it makes you feel any better, I do it too.If it makes you feel any better, I do it too.- Really? - Oh, yeah!I always picture your mom when I'm having sex.MAN [ON TV]: April 12, 1861.The United States garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon.The United States garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon.It is now under bombardment by...It is now under bombardment by...It is now under bombardment by...Dad, what are you doing here?It's your mother's bridge night, so I came into the city for a Moni-cuddle. It's your mother's bridge night, so I came into the city for a Moni-cuddle. Since when did you start smoking cigars?I don't. I just like the smell of them.So, uh, what are you really doing here?I just wanted to make sure you're okay.Why wouldn't I be okay?I saw Richard.I saw Richard.So how you doing?I'm fine.I'm just a little tired, but I'm okay.- Ahem. How's Richard doing? - You don't want to know.No, I really, really do.Well, he's doing terrible!Really?Worse than when he broke up with Barbara.- You're not just saying that, are you? - No, the man is a mess!- Was he crying? - No.Do you think he was waiting till after you left, so he could cry? Maybe.I think so.Honey, relationships are hard. Like with your mom and me.You know, after we graduated from college, we broke up for a while. It seems her father, your grandfather......wanted her to travel around Europe like he did.Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel......because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However...However...However...Okay, here we go.I am Jabba's prisoner. And you......have a really weird look on your face.What? Honey, what is it?Did I get the hair wrong?Or what? Did you just picture it differently? What?No, no. It's, um... It's not you. It's, um...What is it? Come on, sweetie. You're, like, freaking me out here.What is it? Come on, sweetie. You're, like, freaking me out here.I hate Chandler. The bastard ruined my life!。
Joe,that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed! 乔伊，这就是你爸妈叫你不要跳上床的原因The One With the Jam 本集播出：“果酱与男人”Hey,look at me! I'm making jam! 看看我，我在做果酱-I've been at it since 4 a.m. -Where'd you get fruit at 4 a.m.? 我早上四点就起来了那么早你怎么买得到水果？Down at the docks. You know,you can get it wholesale. 在码头那儿买的你一定不知道可以买到批发价I didn't know there were docks. 我根本不知道有码头Is it broken? 手臂断了吗？No,but I gotta wear this for a couple weeks. 不，但我得戴着这玩意儿好几个礼拜You tell the doctor you did it jumping on your bed? 你有没有告诉医生你是因为跳上床才受伤？No. I had a whole story worked out,but then... 不，我编的故事本来有用的但是…...Chandler sold me out. 钱德出卖了我I didn't think the doctor would buy that it "fell out of the socket." 抱歉，我想医生不会相信你说的“手臂就自己脱落了”What is this? Fruit? 这是什么？水果吗？Monica's making jam. 摩妮卡在做果酱Jam? I love jam! How come we never have jam at our place? 我最爱果酱了！我们家怎么从来没有果酱？Because the kids need new shoes. 因为孩子们需要买新鞋I'm going into business. I'm sick of being depressed about Richard. 我得做正事了我不想再为理查的事伤神I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man. 我需要一个计划来忘记我的男人What's the opposite of man? Jam! 什么事跟男人相反？就是果酱！Joey,don't! It's way too hot! 乔伊，不要！那个太烫了！This'll just be my batch. 那么这一份就算我的That's it. 到此为止Hey,you,J. Crew guy.... 喂，那个穿杰克鲁牌的傢伙Why are you following me? 你为何跟踪我？All week,everywhere I look, there's you. 这一周来，我往哪儿看就会看到你You wouldn't return my calls. You sent back my letters. 你也不回我电话又把我的信退回来One more chance,Ursula. Please. 再给我一次机会拜托，乌苏拉This is awkward. 真是太尴尬了Yeah,because you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters. 因为你要找的是乌苏拉我是菲比，我们是双胞胎Seriously. 这是真的That's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. 太好了，我跟错人了I am such a dingus! 我真是个糊涂蛋！Oh,you're not a dingus. 你不是糊涂蛋I just want you to know I wasn't always like this. 我只想让你知道我不是总是这样的Before I met your sister,I was a normal guy who sold cellular phones. 在认识你妹妹之前我只是卖行动电话的普通人Look,it's not your fault. 听着，这不是你的错I mean,this is just what she does to guys,okay? 这就是她对待男人的方式Well,thanks. 谢谢你Wait. I got a little story. 等等，我有个小故事告诉你Once,in junior high school, I thought I was a witch. 我在念国中时我以为自己是女巫And a guidance counselor told me something that might help you. 有个辅导老师跟我说的话我想可以帮助你He said,"Okay,you're not a witch. You're just an average student." 他说“你根本不是女巫你只是个普通学生”-See what I'm saying? -Not really. 你懂我的意思吗？不太懂Well,get over it. 忘了她吧You seem like a really nice guy. 你看起来是个好人Don't be so hard on yourself,okay? 别对自己太苛刻，好吗？You're right. I know you're right. And thanks for being so nice. 没错，我想你是对的谢谢你对我这么友善Thanks a lot. 谢谢你Want to get some coffee? 你要不要去喝咖啡？You don't have to walk behind me anymore. 你不用走在我后面了"Gone for more jars. Be back later. Monica Geller." “去买罐子，等会儿回来摩妮卡盖勒”Wait a minute. Look! 等等，你看！It's an empty apartment. 整个房子里都没人We're all alone in an empty apartment. 这间空房子里，只有我们两个I have to be at work in 10 minutes. 我在十分钟内得去上班All right. It's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. 好吧，我又不是模范员工There it is! 在这里啊！Oh,that's what you mean. 这就是你要找的啊Do I look fat? 我看起来很胖吗？No. 不会啊I accept that. 这点我可以接受When Janice asked me and I said no, she thought I was calling her a cow.当珍妮丝问我时，我回答不她却认为我说她像母牛Walk us through it,honey. Walk us through it. 重头再说一次给我们听…Janice said,"Hi. Do I look fat today?" And I looked at her 珍妮丝说，她今天看起来胖吗我看看她…You looked at her? 你看看她？You never look. 你绝不能看You just answer. It's like a reflex. "Do I look fat?" "No." 你只能回答，就像反射动作“我看起来胖吗？”，“不”"Is she prettier than I am?" "No." “她比我漂亮吗？”，“不”"Does size matter?" “尺寸重要吗？”，“不”And it works both ways. 这点男女都适用So you both just know this stuff? 所以你们本来就知道这些？After 30 or 40 fights, you kind of catch on. 吵了大概三四十次后你大概就记住了Okay. For instance: 好，比如说…Janice is coming back from a trip. She gives you two options. 珍妮丝旅行回来她给你两种选择Option one: She'll take a cab home from the airport. 选择一，她从机场自己搭计程车回来Option two: You can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do? 选择二，你在领行李的地方与她碰面，你会怎么做？Easy. Baggage claim. 简单，领行李的地方Wrong! Now you're single. 错了，所以你没女朋友啦It's actually secret option number three. 其实是第三个秘密绝招You meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her. 你在登机门与她碰面这就表现出你对她的爱Okay,this is good. 好，这样真不错All right,I have one. Janice likes to cuddle... 好，我有一个问题珍妮丝晚上喜欢抱抱…...at night, which I'm all for. 我当然也喜欢抱抱But when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. 不过当你想睡觉时你会想要一点空间So how do I tell her that without... 我要怎样告诉她，才不会…...you know,accidentally calling her fat or something? 不小心又说她胖之类的？Sorry,honey. We can't help you there,because we're cuddly sleepers. 抱歉，我们帮不了你因为我们都是抱着睡的I'm late for work. 我上班要迟到了-Are you guys coming down? -Yeah. I'm right behind you. 你们要不要下来？好，等一下就去Good luck,Chandler. 祝你好运，钱德The sleeping thing. 关于睡觉那件事Very tricky business, but solvable. 非常困难，但可以解决I thought you were "cuddly sleepers." 我以为你们都是“抱着睡觉”No,not cuddly. Not me. Just her. 不，不是抱着睡不是我，只有她I'm like you. I need the room. 我跟你一样，我需要空间Okay,come here. 好，到这儿来Okay. You're in bed. 好，现在你在床上I'll use the cushion. 我还是用垫子好了Okay. You're in bed. She's over on your side,cuddling. 好，你在床上她在你旁边，抱着你Now,you wait for her to drift off... 现在，你等她逐渐睡着…...and then you hug her... 然后你抱住她…...and roll her over to her side of the bed. 然后把她滚到床的另一边And then you... 然后你…... roll away. 你就滚到旁边去Hug for her. 抱住她Roll for you. 自己滚到旁边去The old "hug and roll." 就像以前的“拥抱与翻滚”One question. You're pretending the pillow's a girl,right? 只有一个问题你把枕头当作女生，对吧？Remember when you were a kid,your mom would send you to the movies... 记得小时候你妈会把你送到电影院…...with a jar of jam and a little spoon? 给你一罐果酱和一根小汤匙？You're so pretty. 你真可爱You know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today. 你知道那个跟踪我的人吗？我今天跟他说话了You talked to him? Are you crazy? 你跟他说话？你疯了吗？First,I'm not crazy. And second,say it,don't spray it. 第一，我没有疯第二，用说的，别用喷的Anyway,his name is Malcolm, and he wasn't following me. 反正他叫做麦尔康他也不是在跟踪我I mean,he was, but he thought I was Ursula. 我是说，他在跟踪没错但他以为我是乌苏拉That's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 所以他不敢上前来跟我说话Because of the restraining order. 因为有禁制令Not feeling better about Malcolm. 我还是对麦尔康没有好感No,no,he's not a kook. 不，他不是疯子He's just this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy... 他只是个非常热情极度浪漫的傢伙…...that just got a teensy bit carried away. 只是有点过火了We get along really well, and he's so cute. 我们处得很好，而且他很可爱Oh,my God! You've got a crush on your sister's stalker. 天啊，你竟然暗恋跟踪你妹妹的人I'm going to help him get "de-Ursula-ized." 我要帮他忘记乌苏拉的一切Like I did for Joey after he went out with her. 就像乔伊跟她约会后我为他做的一样I didn't stalk her. 我没有跟踪她I asked for the news, not the weather. 我是问你事情你不用喷口水Joey,this is for you. It's blackberry currant. 乔伊，这是你的这是黑莓红醋粟酱Joe,I got to ask. 乔伊，我得问你The girl from the xerox place, buck naked... 影印店的那个女孩，全裸...or a big tub of jam? 还是你要一大缸果酱？Put your hands together. 你把两只手放在一起吧Take your time with that. It's my last batch. 你慢慢吃啊，那是最后一批No more jam? 没有果酱了？What happened to your jam plan? 你的果酱计划呢？I figured out I'd need to charge $17 a jar just to break even. 我算过了我每罐得卖17元才能打平So I've got a new plan now. Babies. 所以我有个新计划就是生小孩Well,you'll need much bigger jars. 那你可能需要很大的罐子-What are you talking about? -About me having a baby. 你们在谈什么？谈我要生孩子的事-Are you serious? -Yeah. 你是认真的吗？是啊The jam plan helped me take control of my life. 果酱计划让我开始掌握自己的生活So I thought,"What is the most important thing to me?" 所以我就想什么事对我最重要？And that's when I came up with the baby plan. 因此我就想出生小孩这个计划Aren't you forgetting something? 你是不是忘了什么？What is that guy's name? Dad! 那个傢伙叫什么？叫“爸爸”！It took me 28 years to find a man I wanted to spend my life with. 我花了28年，找到一个想与他共度终身的男人If I have to wait another 28 years, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby. 如果我还得再等28年我就得56岁才生小孩And that's just stupid. 那样实在太愚蠢了That's what's stupid? 那样叫愚蠢？I don't need an actual man. Just a few of his best swimmers. 我不需要一个真正的男人只要他几只会游泳的小傢伙And there are places you can go to get that...stuff. 而且你可以在某个地方得到那些小傢伙Down to the docks again? 又要去码头了吗？Night-night,Bing-a-ling. 晚安，宾宝贝Night-night... 晚安…...Janice. 珍妮丝Look at all the room on her side! 看看她那一边的位置！A giant penguin could fit over there. 都可以放一只大企鹅了That'd be weird,though. 不过那样会很奇怪Hug and roll time. 要开始“拥抱与翻滚”了I'm hugging. I'm hugging. 我正在拥抱…You're rolling,and.... 你在翻滚，然后…Yes! Freedom! 太好了，自由了！Except for this arm! 除了这只手臂以外！I'm stuck. Stuck arm. 我被困住了，手臂卡住了Time for the old tablecloth trick. One fluid motion. 该玩以前那种盖桌布的游戏了，一个快动作Quick like a cat. 像猫一样矫捷…And one,two... 一、二…... three! 三！Here's my binoculars. 这是我的双眼望远镜Oh,great. You're doing great. 很好，你做得很好Going strong. IKeep going. 很不错，继续吧These are my night-vision goggles. 这是我的夜视镜This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. 这是我在公园里看她时假装阅读的书And these are Madlibs. They're just for fun. 这些是接字游戏只是好玩用的This is the log I kept, recording her every movement. 这是我写的日志记录她的一举一动Want to hear some of it? 你要不要听听看？Not even a little bit. 我一点也不想听It's about you. 是跟你有关的Okay then. 那好吧"l met Phoebe today. 我今天遇到菲比She was really nice to me even though I'm such a loser. 她对我很好即使我真的是个败类And when I was walking home, I thought about her a lot. 当我走回家时，我不断想着她It was weird,but kind of cool." 虽然很怪，却是很棒的感觉Good. 很好So what were you thinking? 你在想什么？I was thinking what it'd be like to kiss you. 我在想亲你是什么感觉？-Really? -No. 真的吗？不That's just something I said now so that maybe I could kiss you. 那只是我故意说的这样我才能亲你Oh,okay. 好啊No,it's all right. I just had a jar of mustard. 不，不用了我刚吃了一罐芥末Okay. Sperm donor number 03815, come on down! 好，捐精者编号03815 来罗！Okay,he's 6'2",170 pounds. 好，他是6尺2寸，170磅He describes himself as a male Gina Davis. 他形容自己是男性的吉娜戴维丝You mean there's more than one of us? 你是说除了我们之外还有别人？You can't do this,Mon. If you do this,I'll 你不能这样做，摩妮卡如果你这么做，我会…-You'll what? -I'll tell Mom. 你会怎样？我会告诉妈I'm sorry,but he's right. I love you,but you're crazy. 很抱歉，他是对的我爱你，可是你真的疯了Why? Why is this crazy? 为什么这样就叫疯了？-So this isn't the ideal way -Oh,it's not 就算这不是理想方法… 这根本不是…Lips moving. Still talking. 嘴巴在动，我还在讲话！It may not be ideal,but... 这样可能不太理想，但…... I'm so ready. 我真的准备好了I see the way Ben looks at you. 我看到班看着你的样子It makes me ache,you know? 让我心好痛，你知道吗？Check it out! Jam crackers! 你看看，果酱饼干！Okay. All right,how's this? 好吧，这个如何？Twenty-seven,ltalian-American guy. 27岁，意大利裔美国人He's an actor. 他是个演员Born in Queens. 在皇后区出生Wow! Big family. Seven sisters... 好大的家庭！有七个姐姐…...and he's the only... boy. 他是唯一的…男孩Oh,my God! Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule." 天啊，个人评论写着纽约尼克队万岁！Yeah,the Knicks rule! 对啊，纽约尼克队万岁！Joey,this is you! 乔伊，这个是你！Let me see. 让我看看Oh,right! 对啊You went to a sperm bank? 你去精子银行？Right after I did that sex study at NYU. 就在我参加纽约大学的性研究之后Remember that sweater I gave you? 你记不记得你生日时我送你的毛衣？That's how you bought it? 那是你用这样赚来的？No. That's what I was wearing when I donated. 不，那是我捐精子那天穿的I'm surprised there's any of my boys left. 我真惊讶他们那儿还会有我的小傢伙It is pretty competitive. There's an actual rocket scientist here. 那里竞争很激烈的还有真正的火箭科学家呢Maybe I should have them put my Days of our Lives gig on here. 或许我该叫他们把我演的连续剧放上去Juice this up a little. 多增加点声势How's the maniac? 那个疯子如何了？He's yummy. We did a little kissing. 他真迷人，我们接吻了Phoebe,what are you doing? 菲比，你在做什么？No,no. He's not into that anymore. He quit for me. 不，他不会再犯了他为了我戒掉了This guy has been obsessed with your sister for God knows how long. 那傢伙迷恋你妹妹天晓得到底有多久了You don't just give that up. 你不能就这样算了He gave me his night-vision goggles and everything. 他把他的夜视镜和一切东西都交给我了You're taking the word of a guy who has night-vision goggles? 一个有夜视镜的人他说的话你也敢信？He's not still following her. You think he's still following her? 他不再跟踪他了你觉得他还在跟踪她吗？Wake up and smell the restraining order. 快醒醒，感觉一下什么叫禁制令吧What should I do? 你说我该怎么办？If you really like this guy, you should just trust him. 若你真的很喜欢他应该相信他才是Thank you,Monica. 谢谢你，摩妮卡Or you could follow him. 或者你该跟踪他，看他去哪里That's what I'd do. Forget mine. 我也会这么做忘了我刚说的吧What happened? 天啊，发生什么事？Crazy Chandler spun me... 钱德发神经，把我转一圈…...off the bed. 然后推下床Wow! Spinning! Sounds like fun. 转圈圈啊，听起来很好玩I wish. 我倒希望He was just trying Ross' "hug and roll" thing. 他只是在试罗斯的那套“拥抱与翻滚”Ross' what? 罗斯的什么？Where he hugs you and then he rolls you away,and.... 当他抱住你把你滚到旁边，再…Oh... my...God! 我的天啊！What are you doing? 你在做什么？Oh,I was just here looking for my... my.... 我只是在找我的…Part of an old sandwich. Here it is! 吃过的旧三明治…在这里！Were you following me? 你在跟踪我吗？Perhaps. 可能吧Yes. I'm sorry. 是的，我很抱歉I was afraid you were still hung up on my sister. 我怕你仍然迷恋我妹妹So you spied on me. 所以你在监视我I can't believe you don't trust me. 我真不敢相信你不信任我Well,what do you know? There goes my identical twin sister! 你怎么会知道呢？我的双胞胎妹妹正好经过！Just walking along,looking like me. 一直走着跟我长得一模一样Is this a freakish coincidence,or did you know she takes this train? 这是个奇异的巧合还是你早知道她会搭这班车？I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 对不起…I tried to stop, but I couldn't. 我试着停止，但控制不了I'm so pathetic. 我真可悲No,it's not your fault. It's partly my fault. 不，不是你的错，我也有错I made you quit cold turkey. 是我要你断然戒除这个毛病Well,I can't date you anymore because you're,you know.... 我不能再跟你约会了因为你是，你知道的…Wow! 哇！But I will definitely help you get over my sister. Okay? 但我一定会帮你忘了我妹妹，好吗？Stalk me for a while,huh? 试着跟踪我一阵子，好吗？I'll be like an Ursula patch. 我就暂时帮你戒除对乌苏拉的迷恋I don't know. 我不知道Just.... Look,I'm going! 你就…你看，我正在走路！Come on. 来吧I'm on the pillar. Which way will I go? 我遇到柱子了我会往哪边走？-Where you going? -To the bank. 你要去哪里？我要去银行Sperm or regular? 精子银行还是一般的Sperm. 精子银行You're really doing it? 你确定要做这件事？Oh,yeah. I picked a guy. 37135. 是啊，我挑了一个男的编号37135Sounds nice. 听起来不错He does. He's got brown hair and green eyes. 的确，他有棕发和绿眼睛No kidding? 不是开玩笑吧？I figured you'd have picked a blond. 我以为你会选金发的Really? Why? 真的吗？为什么？I always pictured you with a tall, smart,blond guy with a name like... 我总是想像你和一个高大聪明的金发男子，叫…...Hoyt. “荷依”这样的名字It's a name. Yeah. 那是个名字，没错I saw you in this great house with a big pool. 我看到你在一间很棒的有泳池的大房子Is he a swimmer? 他是游泳选手吗？He's got the body for it. 他可是有那种身材的I like that. 我喜欢What? 什么？You have a sign that says: 你们有个牌子写着…"We don't swim in your toilet. Don't pee in our pool." “我们不在你的厕所游泳所以别在我们的池子尿尿”We don't have that sign. 我们才不会有那种牌子You do! It was a gift from me. 你会有的那是我送的礼物And you have three great kids. 然后你会有很棒的孩子Two girls and a boy? 两个女孩和一个男孩？And they wear little water wings, and they run around on the deck. 他们戴着手臂浮圈绕着泳池边跑And Hoyt wraps a towel around all three of them. 然后荷依用毛巾围住他们三个Sure. 当然But,you know, this way sounds good too. 但是，你知道这样听起来也不错Yeah. 是啊Wow! This guy's an astronaut? 这傢伙是太空人？That would have been cool... 这样虽然很棒…...for a day. 也不会维持多久I called the sperm bank. 我打电话给精子银行They haven't sold a single unit of Tribbiani. 崔比亚尼的小傢伙一点儿也没卖出去Nobody wants my product. 没有人要我出产的I don't get it. 我不懂Maybe if they met me in person. 可能他们没亲眼见到我You got a thing on your.... 你沾到一点在…Get it? 弄掉了吧？Yeah. 是啊Hello. 哈罗Hello. 哈罗Chan,can I talk to you for a second? 钱德，我可以跟你谈一下吗？Sure. What's up? 当然，什么事？Just one additional relationship thought. 还有一件关于男女之间的事Something you're probably aware of. 这件事你大概已经知道了Women talk. 女人会互相传话的326 00:00:00,00 --> 00:00:00,00。
Hi, guys!Hey, Pheebs! Hi!Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said'We should do this again!'What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again'means 'You will never see me naked'.Since when?Since always. It's like dating language.Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.Or 'You're such a nice guy' means'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholicsand complaining about them to youOr, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.- And everybody knows this? - Yeah. Cushions the blow. Yeah, it's like when you're a kid,and your parents put your dog to sleep,and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.That's funny, that, no, because,uh, our parents actually did, uh,send our dog off to live on a farm.Uh, Ross.What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut?The Millners,they had this unbelievable farm,and horses, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- ..... Oh, my God, Chi Chi!"So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over.But you'll have to live with the knowledge thatyou sent an honest man to die."Hey, that was really good!Yeah? Thanks! Let's keep going.Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?""I just wanna go back to my cell.'Cause in my cell, I can smoke.""Smoke away."I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. - What? - Relax your hand! Let your wrist go.Not so much!Alright, now try taking a puff.Okay.Okay. No. Give it to me.No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.It's fine, it's fine.Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.All right, now.Don't think of it as a cigarette.Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.- Y'miss it? - Nah, not so much.Alright, now we smoke.Oh..my..God.No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distancefrom the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. That's ridiculous!Can I use.. either thumb?Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me!Decaf cappucino for Joey..Coffee black..Late..and an iced tea.- I'm getting pretty good at this! - Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Good for me!Y'okay, Phoebe?Yeah no- I'm just- it's, it's not even worth...It's my bank.What did they do to you?It's nothing, it's just- Okay.I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-Easy, easy...and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.Oh, Satan's minions at work again...Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them. What are you talking about? Keep it!It's not mine, I didn't earn it,if I kept it, it would be like stealing.Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took?'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.'And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping-I'd hear'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'... We're with you. We got it.Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it.It would be like this giant karmic debt.Chandler, what're you doing?hey,what are you doing?Oh! Oh, God!What is this?!I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.Oh, I can't believe you!You've been so good, for three years!And this- is my reward!Hold on a second, alright?Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Okay, so this time I won't quit!Ohhh! Put it out!All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out.Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.So is it Alan again? How's it goin'?'S'going pretty good, y'know?It's nice, and, we're having fun.So when do we get to meet the guy?Yeah!Let's see, today's Monday...Never.Oh, come on! Come on!-No. Not after what happened with Steve.What are you talking about? We love Schhteve!Schhteve was schhexy!..Sorry.Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet.Just give me a chance to figure that out.Well, then can we meet him?I mean, why should I let them meet him?I mean, I bring a guy home,and within five minutes they're all over him.I mean, they're like- coyotes,picking off the weak members of the herd.Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing.Come on now, they're your friends,- they're just looking out after you. - I know.I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy homethat they actually liked.Well, you do realise that the odds of that happening are a little slimmer - if they never get to meet the guy.Let it go, Ross.Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.Do you all promise?Yeah! We promise!We'll be good!Chandler? Do you promise to be good?You can come in,but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!Hey, Pheebs.'Dear Ms. Buffay.Thank you for calling attention to our error.We have credited your account with five hundred dollars.We're sorry for the inconvenience,and hope you'll accept this football phone...as our free gift.'Do you believe this?!Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!What bank is this?Hey. It's him.- Who is it? - It's Alan.Chandler! He's here!Okay, please be good, please.Just remember how much you all like me.Hi. Alan, this is everybody.Everybody, this is Alan.Hi, Alan.I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow.Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin.Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?C'mon!...I'll go.Let's start with the way he kept picking at-You know, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do it.We loved him.Loved him! Yeah! He's great!Wait a minute! We're talking about someone thatI'm going out with?-Yeah!And did you notice...?Know what was great?The way his smile was kinda crooked.Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!...What shoe?From the nursery rhyme.'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'...So I think Alanwill become the yardstick against whichall future boyfriends will be measured.What future boyfriends?No, no, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.-Really!Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for hisDavid Hasselhof impression alone.You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? You know what I like most about him, though? What?The way he makes me feel about myself.How was the game?Well..WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!That's fantastic! I have one question:How is that possible?Alan.He was unbelievable.He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoonwhere Bugs is playing all the positions, right,but instead of Bugs it wasfirst base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team. Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellersa thing or two about softball..Nice!Can I ask you guys a question?D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. What?...I dunno, a little too Alan?Well, no. That's impossible.You can never be too Alan.Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.I personally could have a gallon of Alan.- Hey, Lizzie. - Hey, Weird Girl.I brought you alphabet soup.Did you pick out the vowels?Yes. But I left in the Ys.'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y".Uh, I also have something else for you.Saltines?No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone? What? Oh, my God, Oh, my God, there's really money in here.I know.Weird Girl, what are you doing?No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.No, that's fine, you don't..Would you like my tin-foil hat?No. 'Cause you need that.No, it's okay, thanks.Please, let me do something.Okay, alright, I'll tell you what,you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?- Okay. - Okay.Keep the change.Thanks, Lizzie.Sure you don't wanna pretzel?- No, I'm fine.Thanks. - See ya.A thumb?!I know! I know,I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there,like this tiny little hitch-hiker!like this tiny little hitch-hiker!Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know?Like, collect all five?- Does, um, anyone wanna see? - Nooo!- Oh, hey, don't do that! - Cut it out!It's worse than the thumb!Hey, this is so unfair!Oh, why is it unfair?So I have a flaw! Big deal?Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs?I mean, what the hell is that thing?I accept all those flaws,why can't you accept me for this?...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody,Well, I-I could live without it.Well, is it, like, a little annoying,or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right?I think it's endearing.Oh, "you do, do you"?You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly. "Indeed there isn't"...I should really get back to work.Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might getwhat they actually ordered.The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.Did you ever go out with a guyyour friends all really like?No.Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like. Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here?All right, a cow got through!Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing.I mean, they feel the thing,I don't feel the thing.Honey.. you should always "feel" the thing.Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy,Monica, dump him!I know.. it's gonna be really hard.Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.No, he'll be fine.It's the other five I'm worried about.Do you have any respect for your body?Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself? Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guysand your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.Really? He does?Hey, buddy, what's up!Oh, she told you about that, huh.Well, yeah, I have one now and then.Well, yeah, now.Well, it's not that big- ..Well, that's true,..Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks!God, he's good.- If only he were a woman. - Yeah.- If only he were a woman. - Yeah.Ooh, Lambchop.How old is that sock?If I had a sock on my hand for thirty yearsit'd be talking too.Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. Hey. Where's Joey?Joey ate my last stick of gum,so I killed him.Do you think that was wrong?- I think he's across the hall. - Thanks.There y'go.Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?Hey, I might!I'm sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave meseven thousand dollars for the thumb.- Oh, my God. - 7 thousand dollars?And on my way over here, I stepped in gum....What is up with the universe?!What's going on?Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..- Uh, Joey.. - Oh, God!- Okay.. - Oh! That was Lambchop!Please, guys, we have to talk.Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...No, I'm not.Alright, we have to talk.There it is!Okay. It's-it's about Alan.There's something that you should know.I mean, there's really no easy way to say this..I've decided to break up with Alan.Is there somebody else?No, nononono.. it's just..y'know, things change. People change.We didn't change..So that's it? It's over?Just like that?You know.. you let your guard down,you start to really care about someone, and I just- I-- Look, I- I could go on pretending. - Okay!No, but that wouldn't be fair to me,it wouldn't be fair to Alan.It wouldn't be fair to you!Yeah, who wants fair?I mean, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were. I'm sorry..Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!I just can't believe this!I mean, with the holidays coming up-I wanted him to meet my family-I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.Oh, yeah! Right!Are you guys gonna be okay?Hey hey, we'll be fine.We're just gonna need a little time.I understand.I'm, I'm really sorry.Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry too.But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.Relieved?Yeah, well, I had a great time with you..I just can't stand your friends.Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.Yeah. He could row like a viking.So how'd it go?Oh, y'know..Did did he mention us?He said he's really gonna miss you guys.You had a rough day, huh?-Oh, you have no idea...C'mere.- That's it. I'm getting cigarettes. - No no no!I don't care, I don't care!Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke!I've gotta have the smoke!If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars! Yeah, alright.第一季第三集So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyour jobs a joke, you're broke,your love life's D.O.A.It's like you're always stuck in second gear,And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, butI'll be there for you,when the rain starts to pour.I'll be there for you,like I've been there before.I'll be there for you,'cause you're there for me too.。
