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- Good morning, gentlemen. - ?Hi. -早上好呀先生们 -早Max, how'd you sleep? 麦克斯你睡得好吗Oh, I love crashing here! 我好喜欢在这儿过夜啊This is just like college -- 仿佛回到了大学时代staying up too late, passing out on the couch, 熬夜到很晚昏睡在沙发上mean Asian chick down the hall. 走廊上有毒舌的亚洲女Yeah. Where is Lily? 是啊莉莉人呢I don't know. S-School, maybe? 我不知道去上学了吧I'm right here. 我在这儿呢We met Max in Amsterdam on what we thought 我们以前在阿姆斯特丹认识了麦克斯was a tour of pottery cafes, so... 本来是一趟陶艺[大麻]咖啡厅之旅所以...I don't remember much about it, 很多事我都不记得了but I do remember thinking 但我清楚记得he was the funniest person I've ever met. 我当时觉得他是我遇过最好笑的人与各种大麻制品荷兰阿姆斯特丹有许多的大麻咖啡馆And we told him if he ever came into town, 我们跟他说要是来我们这儿that he had to stay with us. 必须住咱们家And I-I-I'm so glad he said yes 他答应了我真的好开心because I remember being really, uh, paranoid 因为我记得当时一直很神经紧张that he didn't like me. 觉得他不喜欢我You two, get out of here. 你们俩让开I'm gonna whip us up some breakfast. 我来煮早餐给大家吃Whoo! My head feels like the Hindenburg. 我的头像兴登堡号一样痛到炸裂Whoo! My head feels like the Hindenburg. 客运飞艇 1937年在准备着陆时起火烧毁Oh, come on! 少来了- I feel like he was funnier in Europe. - Yeah. -怎么感觉他在欧洲时比较好笑 -对Mitchell! Look! 米奇尔快看Our crazy-expensive bottle of wine? 我们巨贵的那瓶红酒吗I -- uh, we were saving this for the perfect occasion. 我们一直想留到最特别的日子才打开的Okay, well, he must've drank it after we went to bed. 他一定是等我们睡了再自己喝掉的Who does that? 谁会这么贱啊Just drinks somebody's 不问主人家most expensive bottle of wine without asking? 就擅自喝掉别人最贵的红酒- Okay, it's a hate crime. ?- How is it a hate crime? -这是仇恨犯罪 -这怎么会是仇恨犯罪Because I hate him. 因为我恨他I ca-- I can't believe it's almost gone. 真不敢相信都快被他喝光了Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice --我至今只考虑过打开这瓶酒两次once early on election night 一次是大选之夜刚开始once early on election night 刚开始希拉里领先但特朗普后来居上并胜利and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture.另一次是我们以为《爱乐之城》得到了最佳影片奖随后更正获奖的是《月光男孩》奥斯卡颁奖乌龙事件I know. It's been a rough year. 我知道这一年很不好过Breakfast! 吃早餐啦No, no. 不不要啊Is that our caviar? 那是我们的鱼子酱吗Yeah! Lucky I found it. 是啊幸好我找到了It was hiding in the back of the fridge. 被藏在冰箱深处呢For a special occasion. 因为要留到特别的日子才吃Something wrong? 有什么问题吗Yeah... yeah. 有有问题Uh, first you open up our $400 bottle of wine, 首先你擅自开了我们价值四百块的红酒now it's our $200 tin of caviar. 现在又开了一罐两百块的鱼子酱- We were saving those. - ?For what? -这都是我们特意留起来的 -留着干嘛A celebration, like -- 等到庆祝的时候才享用What about when "Moonlight" won the Oscar? 那《月光男孩》得了奥斯卡那次怎么没开What about when "Moonlight" won the Oscar? 主角是同性恋黑人Okay, it was a big moment for the community, yes -- 那次对我们群体来说确实是重要的时刻Okay, you know what? Look. I'm gonna go, okay? 这样吧我还是走吧But, guys, don't defer enjoyment, 但听我一句劝千万别延迟享受人生'cause you never know when you're gonna bite it. 因为人有旦夕祸福I say, make every night special. 要我说好好享受每一晚Okay, well, that's a -- that's a fun philosophy, 好吧你这套哲学挺有意思的but not everyone can follow that, okay? 但不是每个人能身体力行好吗'Cause -- 'Cause we have responsibilities. 因为我们有责任在身We have -- We have budgets. 我们有预算We have a daughter, you know. 我们有个女儿Where is our daughter? 我们女儿人呢- I don't know. Backyard, maybe? - ?Maybe. -我不知道在后院吧 -可能吧Earl Chambers, 厄尔·钱伯斯my former business partner-turned dumbass nemesis, 我昔日的生意搭档后来变成我的死对头bought the old horizontal wardrobe. 他买了横向衣柜For you closet non-pros, that means he died. 给你们衣柜业门外汉解释一下就是他挂了Then last week, I received this urn and this note. 然后在上周我收到了这个骨灰瓮和这封信"You know what to do with my ashes. "你知道该如何处置我的骨灰Follow the path." 沿着路一直走"What the hell does that mean? 这是什么鬼意思You think you can drive me nuts, but you can't. 你以为可以把我逼疯但你想都别想He can't actually hear you unless you open the lid. 他听不见你说话的除非你把盖子打开I still can't figure out 我还是没想明白the meaning of "Follow the path!" "沿着路一直走"是什么意思I'm gonna need you to call Shirl 我要你帮我打给雪儿and find out why her father's been torturing me. 搞清楚她爸到底为什么要折磨我- You call her! - That's not an option. -你自己打给她 -你没得选择She's a greasy slimebucket, just like her father, 她是个油腻的小滑头跟她爹一个样and for some reason, she doesn't like me. 而且不知为何她不喜欢我Hmm...I'll see what I can do. 我想想办法吧Hey, Manny! What's up? 曼尼怎么啦I'm not here! Everything's fine! 你没看到我一切都很好- Super-dupes. - Okay, I'll -- I'll -- I'll talk. -超级好 -好吧我招了Luke and I went to a sketchy neighborhood for tacos last night,昨晚我和卢克到不太平的区吃玉米卷and he disappeared, and I haven't seen him since. 然后他不见了之后我再也没看见过他What? Where did you see him last? 什么你最后一次看到他是在哪He went off with this girl. 他跟一个姑娘走了- With a girl? ?- Yeah. -跟一个姑娘吗 -是的Manny. 曼尼Let me tell you a little something about Dunphy men. 让我告诉你邓菲家男儿的一些事When we come into contact with a lady, 当我们遇到女性时we leave her with a burning sensation. 总会给她留下炙热灼烧感[性病]Let me try that again. 这么说有点歧义Um...when a Dunphy man sees a sexy skirt, 当邓菲男儿遇见性感小妞时he's just gotta get in it. 他就必须"深入"她心房- No! ?- I get the point. -不妥 -我懂你意思Look, I'm just glad you came to me... 我很庆幸你是来跟我说I didn't. You caught me here. 我才没有刚好被你逮到而已...'cause I don't want Claire freaking out about this. ? 因为我不想克莱尔知道后慌张失控Luke's phone is going straight to voicemail. 卢克的电话转到语音信箱了Someone's got a sock on the digital doorknob. 有人在数码门把手上挂了袜子哦Someone's got a sock on the digital doorknob. 暗示正在房间里亲密请勿打扰I really think you should be a little worried about this. 我真的觉得你该担心一下Worried?! 担心Let me tell you something about Dunphy men. 让我告诉你邓菲家男儿的一些事Phil, this was a pretty rough neighborhood. 菲尔那一区龙蛇混杂很不安全Tell you what, 这样吧if it makes you feel better, 如果能让你放心些we'll go down there and look around for him. 我们一起去那里找找他We're gonna need backup -- serious backup. 我们需要支援强而有力的支援Okay, be cool. 好了淡定I used to live in this neighborhood. 我以前就住在这一区If you act tough, nobody will mess with you. 只要表现得强悍就没人敢惹你Would you like to try 你们想尝尝a cruelty-free alkaline-water snow cone? 人道的碱水刨冰吗a cruelty-free alkaline-water snow cone? 没有应用动物实验的- What? - ?Free sample. -什么 -免费品尝You can get a larger one down at our stand. 去我们铺子有比较大份的We also refurbish tubas. 我们还提供翻修乐器大号的服务No, thank you. 不用谢谢What happened to my neighborhood? 我的街区怎么了Have the best day. 祝你们今天愉快White people with beards -- they ruined everything. 留络腮胡的白人毁了一切Why would you even say that this place was dangerous? 你为什么要说这里危险It was a lot scarier at dark. There was jazz. 晚上这里可怕多了还放着爵士乐呢Luke's still not answering. 卢克还是不接电话We're gonna find him, Phil. 我们会找到他的菲尔Oh, I-I'm not worried. I've been there. 我不担心我经历过Meet a girl, you lose track of place and time, 遇见一个女孩忘了地点和时间not just 'cause your compass watch is missing, 不仅是因为你的罗盘表不见了and suddenly her cousin Rodney has the exact same watch而且她表哥罗德尼突然也有了同一块表but swears it was always his. 他还发誓他有那表很久了Oh, look! Mario's Bodyshop. 瞧瞧马里奥的汽修店At least one thing is still the same. 至少有一样东西还没变There's nothing that happens in this street 这条街上发生的一切that Mario doesn't know about. 地头蛇马里奥全都了如指掌Let's go over there. 我们过去吧So, red lights are flashing, alarms are blaring. 红灯闪烁警报响个不停We're about 10 seconds from a meltdown so hot 还有大概十秒钟反应堆就要熔毁了温度高到it's gonna turn Belgium into a pool of hot chocolate. 会将比利时烧成一汪热巧克力And I suddenly realize, 我突然意识到they haven't properly accounted for the relativistic distort-- 他们没有正确地计算相对扭曲... Hey, what's this building's number? 这栋楼是几号楼I'm trying to Postmates a smoothie. 我想叫杯思慕雪外送I quickly do a few multi-dimensional 我迅速在脑海中进行了tensor calculations in my head, 一些多维张量计算I push this crying guard to one side 我将吓哭的警卫推到一边and adjust the synchrotron. 调整了同步加速器I look up at the countdown clock. 我抬头看着倒计时钟5... 五...4... 四...You, with the phone! 你拿着电话的- What's your name? - Alex Dunphy. -你叫什么 -艾丽克斯·邓菲Ms. Dunphy, is my story of saving the world 邓菲女士我拯救世界whilst accidently creating three new elements boring you?同时意外创造三种新元素的故事让你觉得无聊吗Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no. 没有没有完全没有I'm so sorry, Professor. 很抱歉教授Nothing you could say would ever bore me. 你说的话永远不会让我觉得无聊I revere you. 我尊敬你I actually went as you last year for Halloween. 实际上去年万圣节我扮成了你Okay, it's my phone. Don't blame my sister. 好吧这是我的手机别怪我妹妹Hey, Chelsea. Gonna have to call you back. 切尔西回头再给你回电话- Shut up! Shut up! - ?Shut up! -我不信你闭嘴 -闭嘴Excuse me, Chelsea's friend. 不好意思切尔西的朋友Y-You don't look like one of my students. 你看起来不像是我的学生Oh, thank you! That is so sweet. 谢谢你嘴真甜No. Why are you here? 不是你为什么来这里Oh, I have a really big job interview today, 我今天有个重要的工作面试and I need someone to look over what I wrote for my -- 我需要有人检查下我写的... Yeah, we're going. I'm taking her out. I am so sorry. 我们走了我带她出去很抱歉What? He asked. You're being rude. 干嘛是他问的你太没礼貌了- Very revealing. ?- Get out. -太暴露了 -出去Claire, I'm so glad you called. 克莱尔很高兴你给我打了电话How come we've never done this before? 我们之前怎么从来没聚过Because we were born into a feud. 因为我们两家是世仇Hatfields and McCoys, the Sharks and Jets, 血仇世家哈特菲尔德和麦科伊鲨鱼队和喷气机队the -- the closet lunatic and the closet idiot. 衣柜疯子和衣柜笨蛋- By the way, I'm really sorry about your dad. - ?Thanks. -顺便说一句很遗憾你爸爸去世了 -谢谢Do you have any idea why he had his ashes sent to my dad?你知道他为什么让人把骨灰寄给我爸爸吗- Probably to drive him bonkers. - Well, it's working. -也许是为了把他逼疯吧 -效果拔群That would've made him happy. 他知道了会很高兴的Let's make a pact -- to never be like them. 咱们约定吧永远不要像他们一样I am in. 我同意We are two women in a male-dominated industry. 我们是男性统治行业中的两个女人We should help each other. 我们该帮助彼此Actually, do you have any sources 实际上你知道有谁会做for antique pineapple knobs? 古董菠萝把手吗We're doing this whole colonial line -- 我们在做殖民地系列Ooh, I bet you Lazlo would know. 拉兹罗肯定知道He's our lead designer. 他是我们的首席设计师Everybody knows who Lazlo is. He's a legend. 大家都知道拉兹罗是谁他是个传奇Yeah, and my only employee worth a damn. 也是我唯一一个有价值的员工Robot workers. Now, that's the future. 机器人工人那才是未来Right! They work 24/7, 对啊它们从不休息and you don't have to buy them a birthday cake. 而且你不用给它们买生日蛋糕Yeah, and as they become more human, 机器人变得更像人类时you can be like, "Hey, you, come into my office", 你就可以说你来我办公室- and then you just go to town on them. ?- Yeah. -然后"吃干抹净"了它们 -是啊What the hell? 什么鬼What happened to the bodyshop? 汽修店怎么了Oh, we just kept the sign. 我们只是保留了招牌Oh, uh, so -- so no M-Mario? 马里奥不在了吗Mnh-mnh. We're an artist collective. 是啊我们是艺术家联盟Jillian works in yarn, 吉莉安玩毛线艺术Mumford sculpts with Lego, Duncan is a painter. 芒福德用乐高做雕像邓肯是画家May I write you a poem? 我能给你们写首诗吗Are you kidding me? 你在逗我吗I told you it was a career. 我就跟你说有这职业Um, any chance that you have, uh, seen my son? 你有没有见过我儿子No, I'm sorry. 没有抱歉Oh, okay. He -- He was around here last night. 好吧他昨晚来了这附近He apparently went off with a girl from this neighborhood. 他貌似跟这附近的一个姑娘走了We just haven't been able to reach him since. 从那以后我们再也没能联系上他Do you know the girl's name? 你知道那姑娘的名字吗No. Uh, something Latin-y. 不知道像是个拉丁名字What happened to you? You used to be Latin-y. 你怎么了你以前还是拉丁男孩呢Can you describe her? 能描述一下她的外貌吗Brown hair, high cheekbones -- 棕色头发高颧骨What is he gonna do, build her out of Legos? 跟他说有屁用他用乐高把她做出来吗Huh, that is surprisingly effective. 万万没想到会有如此神效Wait a minute. I know that girl. 等等我认识那姑娘I think she works at a cupcake shop. 她好像在一家小蛋糕店工作Great. Where is it? 真棒在哪里Well, I'm not sure which one because we have four. 我不确定是哪家因为这里有四家There's Cupcakes! With an exclamation point, 一家叫"小蛋糕!" 加了个感叹号there's vegan cupcakes at Cupfakes, 卖素食小蛋糕的"小淡糕"there's Pupcakes, which sells cupcakes for dogs, "狗蛋糕"是买给狗狗的宠物小蛋糕店and then there's Rick's VCR Repair. 还有"瑞克的录像机修理店"Oh, they make the best cupcakes. 那家的小蛋糕最好吃Stupid Max, forcing us to eat our caviar 白痴麦克斯害我们得在on a regular Friday morning. 在如此普通的周五早上吃鱼子酱I can't even enjoy the symphony of flavors, 我根本无法享受鱼子酱的美味or the -- or the way that it melts in my mouth. 或它在我口中融化的感觉Why don't you just wash it down with whatever wine's left.那你干嘛不随便喝口剩下的酒咽下去得了Yeah, why don't I. 对呀干嘛不呢- Cheers. - ?Cheers. -干杯 -干杯Mmm, and, of course, you know what? 果然不出所料你知道吗It pairs perfectly. 这俩绝配I-I cannot believe I'm having one of the best meals of my life我不敢相信我吃着一生最棒的一顿饭and we're not even celebrating anything. 却没有庆祝任何事情Yeah, thanks, Max! 谢谢了麦克斯- Thank you, Max. - ?Thank you, Max. -谢谢了麦克斯 -谢你全家啊麦克斯Cam, is it -- is it -- is it possible 小卡有没有可能that we're actually enjoying ourselves 我们其实真的很享受and -- and that Max was right? 麦克斯是对的Maybe we do defer enjoyment. 或许我们真的总在延迟享受All those unspent frequent flyer miles, 那些没用完的飞行里程the boots that I have waited so long to wear 那我等了好久才穿的靴子that they're no longer in style, 穿时已经过时了the -- the -- the surfboards 还有那些冲浪板that we've never used because 咱们从来没用过it just "had to be the perfect beach day". 因为要等到最完美的冲浪日子What are you doing? 你要干嘛- Mitchell... - I'm lighting it. -米奇尔 -我要点了它-No! - ?I'm lighting it! -不 -我要点了它No, that is our monogrammed wedding candle, 不这是印有名字的婚礼蜡烛and we're supposed to save it. 我们要把它留到特殊场合For what, Cam? 什么场合呢小卡- I don't know! ?- You don't know. -我不知道 -你不知道- I don't. - ?You don't know. -我不知道 -你不知道Ohh...look at it. 看Smells like eternal love. 好像闻到了永恒的爱Aww...oh. ?O-kay. 好吧Why are you always in my office? 为什么你老在我办公室I do my best work in here. ? 我在这儿效率最高I've been trying to get into his head. 我在试着进入他的思路I even brought his favorite lunch -- 我甚至还买了他最喜欢的午饭shrimp cocktail and bourbon. 鸡尾酒虾波本酒Or that's just what you have for lunch every day. 那不过是你每天午餐吃的东西啊That's another thing Earl stole from me! ? 这也是厄尔从我那里偷学走的- What did you find out? - First of all, -你发现什么了 -首先Shirl doesn't know anything about the ashes. 雪儿不知道有关骨灰的任何事And second, we're not gonna be a part of your little feud anymore. 其次我们不会像你俩一样不和- We're gonna be friends. - She's playing you! -我们会成为朋友 -她耍你呢- No... -?Let me ask you a question. -不会 -我问你Did you tell her we're bidding on Belmont Gardens? 你告诉她我们投标贝尔蒙特花园了吗No. Why? 没怎么了Because 15 minutes ago, I got a phone call 因为15分钟前我接到个电话saying just out of the blue, 说突然之间Closets Closets Closets Closets is bidding against us. "衣柜衣柜衣柜衣柜"公司和我们竞标Did she see your proposal? 她看了你的提案了吗Yes, Dad! I'm quite sure she 看了爸我肯定rifled through my bag when I was in the bathroom. 她在我去卫生间的时候翻了我的包You went to the bathroom? 你去卫生间了吗- Why don't you just give her the company?! - Oh, God. -你咋不直接把公司送她呢 -天啊- Bingo! Ketchup! - What does that prove? -你瞧番茄酱 -这说明什么Did she have ketchup for lunch? 她午餐是不是吃了番茄酱She had... french fries. 她的确吃了薯条There's your smoking gun. 证据确凿Margaret? I'm gonna need 玛格丽特我需要fries and ketchup to get in Shirl's head. 薯条和番茄酱来进入雪儿的思路No! No, Shirl wouldn't have done this. 不不雪儿不会这么做的Um, bad news. 坏消息Uh, we finally tracked down those pineapple knobs, 我们好不容易找到的那些菠萝把手but they were all just bought up by Closets... 但刚被买下是衣柜- No. - Closets... -不 -衣柜No, Margaret! 不玛格丽特...Closets Closets. 衣柜衣柜公司Shirl screwed me. 雪儿玩了我You know what you have to do? 你知道你要怎么做吗You've got to hit her where it hurts. 你得戳她的痛处What does she value most? 她最珍视什么Lazlo. 拉兹罗I don't think you understand 我觉得你没明白how humiliating that was for me. 这对我来说有多丢人There are parts of me that will never uncringe. 这尴尬可能会跟随我一生Oh, my God! 天啊So I interrupted some boring story. 我打断了无聊的故事而已Dr. Arvin Fennerman 阿尔文·费诺曼博士is a two-time Vanderkoff Grant winner -- 是一个大奖的两次获得者one for philosophy and one for geometry. 一次是哲学一次是几何学You can't put him into a box 你不能就这么...- because... - Could you please just read my sample? -因为 -你能不能看下我的文章This job is important to me. 这个工作对我来说很重要This is my one shot at a real career. 这是我有一份真正工作的唯一机会Fine, I'll read it. And "real career"? 好我读但"真正工作"吗I've seen this NERP business. 我看过这个诺普公司了Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers. 妮可·罗丝玛丽·佩奇看起来就有病Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism? 她不是因为食人事件出事了吗No. Turns out there are no laws against 没有事实证明没有法律禁止eating your own appendix, 吃自己的阑尾and it does help with fine lines. 而且吃了真的有养颜美容作用But she's a success story. 但她是个成功的典范Child star, bond girl, 童星邦德女郎indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme.在钱全被方氏骗局卷走前还是独立片甜心- Don't you mean Ponzi scheme? - ?Sadly, no. -你说的是庞氏骗局吧 -很遗憾还真不是呢So, out of desperation, she invented NERP, 然后出于绝望她成立了诺普and next thing you know -- boom! Empire. 接下来突然之间就成为商业帝国I just want to be a part of something great. 我只想成为伟大事业的一部分Well, if I'm being honest, 说实话your writing sample's actually pretty good. 你写得还不错Really?! Thank you. 真的吗谢谢Oh, my God. It's Dr. Fennerman. 天啊费诺曼博士Don't think, don't breathe, keep your head down. ?O-kay. 别思考别呼吸头低下Hello. 你们好Sorry! Hello, Doctor. 不好意思你好博士Would you like down sit? 要下坐吗- What? - Kind, that's very you of, Alex. -什么鬼 -太好了你人艾丽克斯Um...tell me again, why were you in my class? 再和我说下你为什么在我的班上I have a very big interview 我有个很重要的面试with Nicole Rosemary Page, and she was just -- 是和妮可·罗丝玛丽·佩奇她刚刚... Ugh! You know she's a snake oil salesman, right? 你知道她是个江湖骗子吧Yes, I know. 我知道People complain about the diarrhea all the time, 人们抱怨一直腹泻but that is the point. 但减肥就是靠这个啊Her science is utter nonsense. 她的科学就是一派胡言I mean, space stickers that give you energy, 什么能给你能量的宇宙贴纸and crystals that absorb Wi-Fi, 能吸收无线网信号的水晶and seriously -- $1,200 socks? 1200块一双的袜子有没有搞错Those sheep eat nothing but sushi. 做袜子的羊毛出自只吃寿司的羊- Are we done here? - Surprisingly, not. -我们说完没有 -神奇的是没有This might sound crazy, but... 这或许听起来很疯狂但I'm going to marry you. 我要和你结婚What?! 什么I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl? 抱歉你第一次和活生生的女生说话吗No, l-l-listen. I-I-I don't get it. 不听我说我也搞不懂Frankly, it boggles the mind, 其实我也吓到了but I've been running 但自从刚才遇见你dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met,我在脑袋里运算了数十种可能的情形and-and they all end with us... 最终结果都是我们...together. 在一起了I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but -- 我这辈子也听过不少很瞎的搭讪词但...I have plenty of those. 那种词我也有不少存货Are you a neuro-electrical current 你是神经电流吗because you've been running through my mind all day? 因为你整天都在我脑袋里跑来跑去But th-th-that's not what this is. 但这次不一样This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy. 咱俩肯定会在一起海莉·邓菲- Ew, how do you know my name? - I know everything. -你怎么知道我的名字 -我什么都知道Also, your pass has your name written on it. 而且你的通行证上面有名字I think I'm gonna pass out. 我觉得我要晕过去了Right, I've just air-dropped my contact info to your phone.我把我的联系方式空投到你电话上了You just tap to accept it. 要不你就按一下接受Uh, yeah, not gonna...tap that. 我是不会"要"的I think you will. 我认为你会的Haley, there are forces in the universe 海莉宇宙中有许多力that we don't understand... 是我们无法理解的measurable forces that...can't be explained, 可测却无法解释的力but cannot be denied... 但没人能否认它的存在and that's-that's what this is. 咱俩之间就是这样I don't get it, but...I know that it's real. 我也无法理解但我知道它是真实存在的That was so dumb! 这也太智障了吧What? No, it wasn't. You're-you're dumb. 什么哪里智障你才智障That's gonna stick. I'm-I'm in your head. 会烙印进你脑海的我已在你脑海之中- Okay. ?- You'll see. -好吧 -等着瞧Sure, buddy. Now try and walk away cool. 行行行兄弟走人时尽量走得帅一点- Oh, I will. - ?Okay. -我会的 -那好We were standing right here making out. 我们本来在这里亲热All of a sudden, he said, "I'll be right back", 突然间他说"我去去就回"and that was the last I saw of him. 之后我就没见过他了You guys, my break is over, 各位我的休息时间结束了but I hope you find him. 我希望你们能找到他Thank you for your help, 谢谢你的帮助and the cupcakes are delicious, by the way. 顺带一提小蛋糕很好吃- Those are for dogs. - Oh, no. -那是给狗狗吃的 -不是吧- Ay, Phil, are you okay? - Yeah, yeah. -菲尔你没事吧 -没事没事I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation 我很肯定卢克是有什么充分的理由why Luke would abandon a make-out sesh. 才会放弃和女孩亲热No, there isn't. 不根本没有A Dunphy man would never do that. 邓菲家的男人永远不会那样做We walk away from fights, we walk away from spiders, 我们会临阵脱逃被蜘蛛吓跑but never a super-cute girl who smells like frosting! 但永远不会离开身上有糖霜味的可爱女孩You have to stay positive. 你得保持乐观Nothing bad ever happens this close to a Pottery Barn. 高级家具店的附近从来不会出什么事I've been putting on a brave face 我一直在假装勇敢to squash the darkness inside of me, 来压制内心的黑暗but what if the worst has happened? 但万一发生了最坏的状况呢How will I tell Claire? I won't. 我该怎么和克莱尔说我不说I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain, 我得用枕头捂死她免得她伤心but then Jay will have lost a daughter. 但那样杰就会失去女儿I'll have to smother him, too. 我得把他也捂死That's two pillows from the same set. It's a pattern. 那两只枕头是成套的成了我的惯用手法- The police are after me! - ?Get ahold of yourself! -我被警察盯上了 -给老娘打起精神来What the hell? 你手也太重了It wasn't me. Look, I'm still cocked! 不是我你瞧我手还没落下去呢It was a shoe. 是只鞋Wait, that's... 等等这是that's Luke's. 是卢克的鞋Luke! You're okay! 卢克你没事I got stuck on the roof. 我被困在屋顶上了I'm so relieved! 这下我放心了I don't have to kill your mother! 我不用捂死你妈了Turns out, Luke had to go to the bathroom. 原来卢克当时要上厕所Someone told him it was upstairs, 有人告诉他厕所在楼上so he walked all the way up to the roof 他就一路上到了屋顶and locked himself out. 不小心把自己反锁在屋顶了His phone was dead, and he-he lost his voice 他电话没电了街上音乐声太大trying to scream over the street musicians. 他大声喊得嗓子也哑了I was so relieved, I ran up there and gave him a big kiss. 我松了口气跑上去狠狠亲了他一口Gloria! 歌洛莉亚Hi. We're stuck. 我们被困住了Could you pop on up and open the door? 你上来帮我们开个门行吗Dunphy men. 邓菲家男儿啊Hello, Lazlo. 你好拉兹萝- It's pronounced "Lazlo". ?- That's what I said. -发音是"拉兹罗" -我就是这么念的啊Thank you so much for meeting with us. 谢谢你来见我们Have you had a chance to consider our offer 你有没有考虑我们的提议to join Pritchett's Closets? 加入普利切特衣柜I'm intrigued, but I have a list of demands. 我有兴趣但我有张条件单Ah, yes, of course. 好的当然We have, uh... 条件有...uh, "Two turquoise bowls of white Chiclets, "两个装满白色口香糖的绿松石碗an empty office with a drain in the floor..." 有地漏的空办公室"- What's a "Scream room"? - I think that's self-explanatory. -"尖叫室"是什么 -这还用解释吗Pritchett! 普里契特Girl Earl! 厄尔闺女You're actually trying to poach Lazlo from me? 你居然想从我这挖走拉兹罗I thought we were friends. 我还以为我们是朋友We were, and then you bought all my pineapple knobs. 本来是可你买走了所有菠萝门把手- As a gift! ?- What? -买来送你的 -什么- I had them sent to you. - You did? -我发到你那去了 -是吗Don't listen to her. 别被她蛊惑This is all part of some sick plan. 这都是她变态计划的一部分Stealing Claire's proposals, 偷看克莱尔的提案Earl's urn to get in my head. 送来厄尔的骨灰让我闹心But your little games are not gonna work. 但你的小伎俩是不会成功的Yeah. Yeah, how do you explain 是的你要怎么解释the red ketchup stains on my proposal, French Fries? 我提案上面的番茄酱薯条妹。
Good afternoon. Thanks for coming.It's so nice to spend my birthdaysurrounded by so many smiling faces.I was almost too depressed to come today.I realized I let my childhood slip away.I realized I let my childhood slip away.Come on, everybody!We're gonna be late for Manny's birthday!Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!I'm ready, mom.- You sure, honey? - Yep.Then take a quick peek at your feet.Oh! Come on, Luke!Are you gonna walk faster,or should I get Lily's stroller out of the car and push you? Would you relax?The restaurant's like five minutes away from here Ohh, free lotion.Stop Stopping to smell the roses. Manny's present. Ohh, you are such a Pritchett.What's that supposed to mean?Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!I'm looking for the keys!Of course you are.I like being on time.It's easy 'cause I'm organized.You'd think growing up in a placeYou'd think growing up in a placefull of death squads and drunken uncles,she'd have learned to move a little bit faster.Sorry, sorry.I couldn't find my earring.So, what were we talking about, huh?更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 Honey, come on. We're gonna be late. Let's go.Yeah, yeah, just filling out the application to family camp. You don't win the "dirty dancing" competitionand not go back to defend your crown.That's right. Come on, honey.But shoot for the king...you better kill him.Every summer, we spend a week at family camp.It's just like regular camp, but with the family!I don't think that needed any clarification, Phil. Somebody's still a little touchy- about losing last year's color war. - Not.She was on team blue......or as I like to refer to them as team blue-zer.- And I was on white. - That's good.- And if you ain't white... - No.Phil! Have you learned nothing?Phil! Have you learned nothing?My good man.My good man.Okay, come on, everybody. Front door! Now! Claire, relax. It takes 15 minutes to get there.It takes 20 minutes.If we take your route.Well, my way is the most direct.Directly into traffic.Uh, your way is directly into...the suckiest way. Want to make this interesting?Yeah, I don't think that's possible.We take two cars and see who gets there first. Fine. Fine. Let's do that. It's on.Yeah! It is on!I'll take the girls.Luke, your dad and I are splitting up.- Why? - Another one of their stupid arguments. Okay. I'll go with dad.No, no. Buddy. Come with me.Prepare to be -- my shoes.Come on, Phil!How do I look?Like Al Capone.Thanks!Happy birthday, kid.A BB gun?!Enjoy. That's the best gift my dad ever gave me. My keys are nowhere!We're gonna have to go in your car.It's in the shop.Where was the last place you put your keys? Oh, so now it's my fault?Where was the last place you put my keys?In your hand when I bought you the car.Hey, Jay, on the box,it says "Ages 16 and up."Is this an appropriate gift for me?Are you kidding me? You were born 16.You know, we wouldn't be having this problem if you hadn't lost the spare set.I didn't lose them.Somebody came in here and stole them!And left the car.What do you mean, I was born 16?I'm just saying, you were never much of a kid. And that's a good thing, 'cause I never liked kids. You know, you ought to try the fridge.'Cause that's where we found your cellphone.It was only one time, Jay.And you know I always eat after I talk to my mother. Happy birthday, old man.Well, I've forgotten a lot of things in my life.But what Jay said hit me hard.I'd forgotten to have a childhood.Dad, that was a stop sign.I'll stop twice on the way back.Oh, good, it'll give us a chance to pick up that hubcapyou lost cutting through the temple parking lot. Yellow...yellow!Okay.Are you seeing this?We are making every light, and we don't even have to speed. The system works.Mom?I know, I went a little fast back there,but, really, 40 is the same as 35.You say that a lot.I don't think you two appreciate what's at stake here.- Our lives? - You know I love your mother,but I think you also know a certain look she getsThat says, "Just listen to me, I'm always right".You mean her face?N-now we're getting this.If we're right this one time,then we never have to be right again.When she says, "That balloon can't carry a person, Phil", I say, "Manny's birthday"."Take your jacket, Alex. I think it's gonna rain". "Manny's birthday".Don't look at me. Look at the road."Manny's birthday".No, dad! Look at the road! There's a truck!Sweet baby! Assholes!We are so kicking your dad's butt!We are the best ones!How come you and dad are breaking up?What?If it's just a little disagreement,can't you just work it out?Oh, sweetie, you thoughtthat when I said we were splitting up...No. No, your dad and I are fine, honey.We just were gonna take separate carsto see who could get to the restaurant faster.Oh, that's a relief.Ohh, you must have been feeling awful back there.I am so sorry.It's okay.Why did you say you'd go with your dad?Great. Mom gets to be right again.Hey, bad attitudes lose races.No, swerving into a curb and popping your tire loses races. We should call the cops and say mom's car was stolen. They arrest her, we win.No, they trace those calls.But this is great. Thinking like a team!Good practice for family camp.We're, uh, we're doing that again?And this year I predict total white domination.Can't go back there.I heard this summer there's gonna be a hoedown.I can't.Haley!I can't! I can't.Eight minutes talking to the lady at the stationery store and still no present.You know, I think a new friend is like a present.Yeah, I read that card, too.Can we please just buy the next thing we seeand get out of here?You know, why can't you enjoy this?It's a beautiful afternoon, Lily's with a sitter.The day is ours!Helen!Helen!Helen!Helen!!Oh, look at that. Another friend. Off we go. Very busy. No. Stop.You are too tied to your rigid schedules.You're missing life.It took all of two seconds to help this nice man.W-w-wait. Wait. There's more.Two seconds. Yeah.Tell her I'm so sorry, I've always loved her.He says he's so sorry!And that he's always loved you!Please come up and talk to me.Please come up and talk to him!His life would be empty without you!I'm sorry I'm going off script. It just felt right.Oh. Good. Oh.- T-too late. - No, you know what?Give him your cellphone.I'll chase Helen down and give her my phone.They can hash it out.Are you -- are you serious?Yes, I'm serious as a heart attack.You always do this.Now we're gonna be late to our own party.Stop shouting.Well, technically, I wasn't really --Uh, yes, hello. Is Seymour Butts there?I'd never made a prank call...never mixed different sodas togetherto see what they'd taste like.So I knew I had to make the mostof what little childhood I had left.Not "Lutts". I'm looking for Butts.Yes, I'm trying to get ahold of Butts.Very funny. I don't have time for this foolishness. Maybe if you had a system for where you leave things.I have a system.I put down things, then I remember where I put them. And that would be preferableto, say, putting them on the key holderwhich just happens to look like a large key.Stop screaming!What are you doing?Turning back the clock.Turning back the clock.Turning back the clock.Turning back the clock.Turning back the clock.Turning back the clock.Turning back the clock.Disgusting!Don't judge me. You've never been married.This never happened.I don't know what you're talking about.That's a good man.Boy. I'm a boy!You all right? You okay?W-why do you ask?Oh. Okay. Well, I think this is for you.I-I don't know what to say to him.Just open your heart and listen, Helen.Okay.Hello?I dropped your phone.I was here when it happened.Okay. It's all right. We'll just...I can't. I-I just can't.Helen, you have to try. I once almost let my own fears stop me from embarking on a relationship,and I would have lost the love of my life.- Helen! - Donald!- Cam... - Hang on. Hang on, Helen!I'll have you down in a jiffy!Hold on tight! Ow. Nails.- Helen. Nails. Nails. Nails. - Helen.Helen, please just give me a chance.Give him a chance!!She's right here.Cam, come on. We're running out of time.We're running out of time? Sensitive.Go to him.Ohh, I-it's nice that you care so much about us. Without love we're nothing.But what about his wife?It was a pleasure to meeting you both.I get it, Luke. You think he's the fun one.That's why you'd go with him.What?You think your dad is more fun than I am.- Definitely. - "Definitely."Dad's, like, crazy-fun.- But you're nice. - I'm nice?!Well, not now.Tell him.- Tell me what? - Nothing.Hey, what do we call daddy's car, girls?The cone of trust.The cone of trust. Exactamundo.Where you can speak your mind with no judgment. So, what is it? Boys?Your bodies are changing? Eggs?No! No.We were just thinking that maybe......if -- if you're open to it --Dad, we love you, but we do not wantto go to family camp this year.- Dad? Are you upset? - Nope.Then what was that sniff?Sniff? What sniff? I'm -- I'm, uh --I'm actually relieved.The day that I've been dreading,uh, the day when you two finally outgrow me, has finally arrived,and I'm handling it really well.- Dad, are you crying? - Nope.- Are you sure you're okay? - Yep.Oh, my god. He is crying.I've never seen dad cry before.But, dad, if you cry, then I'll cry!I'm not crying.We made our daddy cry!You called me daddy?Because you are our daddy!I'll always be your daddy!Don't cry, mom.I am not crying.Let me fill you in on a little secret, Luke. When I met your dad, I was fun, too.But I had to give all that up,because you can't have two fun parents.That's a carnival.You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a $100 bill?Two fun parents. Mark my words.Oh, my god! Ohh!You're fun, too, mom.I just said I'd go with dadbecause I think he'd need me more.How come I do all the looking and you do all the sitting? 'Cause you do all the losing.Oh, and you're this closeof doing all the sleeping in a tent in the backyard!Did you check your purse?Yes, of course!It's a big purse. You might want to look again.Okay. I check. You rest.No. There's nothing.You're sure?Yes. I've looked twice now.- There's nothing. - Okay.Then you better call us a cab!Manny! Manny?What the hell? Where'd that thing come from? Christmas. Two years ago. Never took it out of the box. "Who would enjoy that?" I thought.A kid, that's who.Well, come on. We've got your party.What's the point? You were right. I-I was born 16.I've lost my childhood.Why did you want me to look again in my purse, Jay, huh? Is it because you put the keys in there?No. Why, did you find it?Yes, I found them because you put the keys in there! Manny, what the hell are you doing there?He wants to cancel his party because he missed his childhood The party that I have rescheduled three times,changed the restaurant twiceso that the whole family could be together?!Please send my regrets.Now, if I could have a little privacy...Privacy?! Esto es lo que me faltaba a me.Privacy?! En esta casa?Is that a skateboard down there?The second thing that slipped right out from under me today. Okay, time to get out.The first was my childhood.I get it!I am so sick of stubborn men!You, you act like a little boyThat doesn't want to accept that he's wrong.And you like a sad old man that doesn't want to be happy! That's it!- You could have shot me! - Come on, Manny.I could've unbuttoned your shirt if I wanted to.Now come here, or sink!And I'm taking this with me in the car.Vamonos.I know that face, Mitchell.Okay, a-and we're walking.It means you were right and I was wrongfor trying to help two people.- Adulterers? - Fair enough.A-actually, the most adult adulterers ever.But my impulse was still right.- Oh, god. Here we go. - Life is about being --Yes. You know what? Here we do go.It's about being spontaneous.It's about throwing yourself into something,not working long hours every night at the office.It's like you're living your l--- What is this? - I don't know.Excuse me, constable, what -- what is going on?活动结束后迅速闪人Oh, it's a flash mob! It's a flash mob!Ooh! We saw it on Youtube. Remember?People get together and choreograph big dance numbers! We should go. T-this is kind of weird.No, this is joyful, Mitchell.You, of all people, should --Cam's right. I can be a little rigid.So when Chad from accounting,who I always thought was gaybut apparently is not,Um, told me about this flash mob,I thought, "Hells yes".Uh, we've been practicing after work a couple of nights a week. And it's -- it's been a big commitment,but it's totally worth it.This dance is my love letter to Cam.Okay, so, this is why I was rushing you around.Huh? What do you think of me now?How could you, Mitchell?What? Cameron.- Cameron. - Not now. Donald!You do fun stuff.You put that potato chip in my sandwich.That was a crunchy surprise.Nope, that was your dad. Everything fun is your dad.Second Christmas, Italian-accent night...this race.Which we could've won. Your way is way faster.It is, isn't it?Buckle up, Luke.Today you have two fun parents.Come on, mom. You can do it.That's right I can.Tell me the truth, Jay.Did you put the key in my bag?No.I won't be mad.In order to prove a point, I may have --I knew it!Why did I get you such a big watch?!Why, Jay?! What point did you have to prove?! I'm trying to teach you to be organized.Your mind is scattered, Gloria.Your mind is gonna be scattered.Manny, hand me the gun!I appreciate the gesture,and I'm not proud of how I'm feeling right now, but the fact is, you cheated on me.In what way did I cheat on you?You cheated on me with choreography,and that is the worst kind.Well, it really isn't.You danced without me, Mitchell!If I'd known it was my last summer there,If I'd known it was my last summer there,I'd have gone for the lead in "Pippin."Dad, look up ahead. Coming at us. There's mom! Beat her!I don't think he's in the mood for that right now. Hold on. No.If ever a man needed a win, it's this man.What do you say, dad?Okay. This one's for family camp.Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!- This is so inappropriate! - I love you!Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!Mom, look out!Cam!Anybody hurt?I am.I was almost too depressed to come today.I realized I let my childhood slip away.Look at Luke there...making one big straw out of three.Never change, Luke.I really thought it was too late for me.But watching all you acting like children,it hit me -- I've got plenty of time left to be a kid. Anyway, happy birthday to me.Happy birthday, Manny.Happy birthday, Manny.I have been a child.I'm sorry I hid the keys.I'm sorry I shoot the island.We're totally racing home.I'm way ahead of you.As usual.They say it's going to be a rainy weekend. They don't know.I do. My knee's been singing all morning. Unbelievable.Mother of g --Put them down and walk away.You know, Gloria --。
Councilwoman Dunphy, how do you respondto allegations that you look super sexy in your new suit?Uh, I haven't been elected yet.Come on, kids! We gotta vote!- Honey, come on. Please stop filming. - I'm just excited!After today, you are going to be a councilwoman,and I am going to be a first husband.And if you don't stop filming,you're going to be my first husband.All right, everybody, come on!Do you know what you're doing, kids?You guys are manning the phone banks.Alex, you're in charge of that.Wh-why is she in charge? And what's--what's a phone bank? That's why.- Phil. - I got it.I will be driving 50 of our finest senior citizens to the polls, assuming, of course, that they remember that I'm coming for them. - Where you at? - High-five.Old people occasionally forget things.Okay. All right, everybody, let's go. Let's go.Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Real quick!Sorry. Everybody get in there. Jump in there.I just want to say how proud of you we all are.You're an inspiration.Who would have thought that 20 years agowhen you were still in the bloom of your youth--Okay, I'm gonna go start the car.Claire likes to win.When she was 8, a little girl scout friend of hersbragged she could sell the most cookies.Damn if Claire didn't walk the neighborhoodtill she got blisters on her feet and won by ten boxes.Best part isClaire wasn't even a girl scout.The choice is Claire!Vote Claire Dunphy for town council.Aw, I love it!- What do you think, huh? - I love it.We got it on Craigslist.Came off a taco truck.- It did. - I love that you're doing this for me.- Thank you! - You're welcome.I know how important winning is to Claire.And I love to festoon things.We're her dream team.So we cleared the whole day, dropped Lily off at school, and voted first thing.Although, uh, one of us had a bit of a dimpled chad situation. Can you tell me how this machine works again, Chad? Oh, sure. No problem.Just wanna look in here. Just--Thank you. Thank you.- Bye! Bye!- Thank you, guys!I can see Clairely now that Duane is gone.Bye! Thank you! Oh, my gosh.Okay, everybody, get in the car. Let's go. Let's go. Good luck today, Claire.Oh, Laurie, thank you.Hey, by the way, we have some really good news.- What's that? - Becky got into the University of Oregon. Oh, congratulations!Any news, Haley?Uh, uh, no, not-- not yet,but, you know, super psyched!This whole waiting-to-hear thing has been a nightmare since the very first letter.I'm too nervous. I can't do it."Dear miss Dunphy,we regret to inform you..."What?! Don't leave me hanging!After that, I decided to only tell my parents good news.I have one school left,and the only good news I've gottenis that my annoying neighbor Beckyis moving back east to Oregon.- Manny, write this down. - I didn't bring a pen. Election day is America at its finest.The people speak, and the government listens.I don't know what they do in Colombia.No one does, and don't ask.I mean, we know that voting's a privilege,but for my daughter to have her name on that ballot,it just means so much more--You know what? I think I'm gonna vote later.What? Where are you going?Ah, the line is too long.It's only three people! And nobody has a gun!It's only three people! And nobody has a gun!We're here, we're Claire,get used to it!You know, I'm not sure if that's tracking.Here, let me try one.You don't have to be Clairevoyant to know who to vote for. Vote Dunphy for town council.Uh, uh, uh, Claire Dunphy.Uh, C-Caire's her first name.I'm sorry if that wasn't Claire.Oh, my God. Look at that. There's a trash can right there, and that guy just threw his paper on the sidewalk.Hey! You in the yellow jacket.Pick it up and put it in the trash.- Oh, my God. He did it. - Yes, he did.Ooh, here. Let me try one.I'll try...Hey, dragon tattoo, no jaywalking!oh, my gosh.This is an instrument of power.How could they not sell tacos?You know what we could do with this thing?Cam, we could really make a difference.We could be the voice of change.Ooh, I got it!Let's go yell at the dry cleaner that lost my shirt. Come on, gang.Today is the Dunphys at their best.I'm from the "Weekly Saver." Mind if I ask you- a couple questions about the big election? - Not at all. Fire away.Who are you voting for today?Claire Dunphy.Finally. I've been waiting for someone to say that name. Why?Uh... Because I am Claire Dunphy.Oh, sorry. They moved me over from ad sales.We take turns reporting.How do you feel about your chances today?Not as good as I did a few minutes ago.No, she feels great.Um, her spirits are high. The whole family's high.- There's your headline. - Phil, no.Uh, how about a photo of all of you?- Yeah. Sure. Yes. - Mom, mom, mom. Tag.- Tag's still on. - Oh, my Goodness.Thank you.That would have been a really awkward picture. Okay. No!What is that?Is that a tooth?- Ew! - Awesome!How old are you? No!- Do it again! - How does that even happen?It's a-a fake tooth from an old ice-skating injury.- It just fell out. - Oh, my gosh. Why today?!- What about the... - Let's not overreact.- Let's--let me see it. - Okay. All right.Got it. Thanks.What happened back there?Line was too long. I couldn't wait.I've seen you wait 45 minutes in line for sherbet! Well, I happen to like sherbet, okay?That place I take youhas the greatest sherbet on the west coast.They got lime sherbet, they got coconut sherbet.Why are we talking about sherbet?He's clearly changing the subject.Why aren't you in school?He's doing it again.Manny's right. You're being very ardilla.- "Ardilla"? - Yeah, you know, the--The one that--that--- Rabbit? I was being rabbit-y? - No, another one- With the cheeks and the tail and... - Chipmunk?- Possum? -Okay, obviously she means squirrel.You were being squirrely then,- You're being squirrely now. - Better than being a rat. Manny, give us a minute.Oh, sure. I served him up on a silver platter.What?All right, it's no big deal.There was a woman working there.I didn't want her to see me.- Who is she? - Her name is Dottie.She's the first woman I dated after my divorce.You dated a Dottie after Dede?Y-you're focusing on the wrong thing here.The--the point is it ended badly.I tried to let her down easy, but, uh,she didn't take it too well.Actually, I don't know how she took it,'cause I wasn't there.We dated a few weeks, then after we... You know,I slipped out of her house before she woke upand never called her again.Put my pants on in her yard, put the car in neutral,let it roll down the driveway, lights off.Hey, I can't talk about this anymore.So because of this woman,you didn't vote for your daughter?It's Claire! We need her to win!I don't want to be around when something that tight comes unraveled. I'll figure out something.Maybe those poll workers take shifts.Stop hiding in your little cave like a--Like, you know. Like the-- the--the--- I really don't wanna do this again. - No, the--No. No. The big one, like, uh, the monster furry one.Ay, why can't I remember any animal names?Climb aboard the Dunphy Express.Next stop--democracy.- Well--no, no... - Please don't go.I won't do that anymore. I promise.Oh. Uh, we need to make a quick stop.I gotta pick up my new glasses.No can do. I, uh...I got a lot of people waitin', so...It'll just take two minutes.I can't even see the ballot without my glasses.I mark the wrong box,next thing you know I'll be married to a guy.Yeah, I-- I don't think it's mandatory, Walt.I'm a good dancer. They'll come for me.Oh, yeah.They will break all your buttons...and say you brought it in that way.Okay, go, go, go!Turns out we had a lot of axes to grind.And a hybrid, so there was virtually no stopping us. Do not see that movie!You will neither laugh nor cry!"Best pizza in the city"?Not even the best pizza on this street.They do not do the hair of the people on those pictures! "Totally free checking"?Don't bank on it!Okay, that was really fun,But now we gotta go back to campaigning for Claire. We've been saying that for two hours.Yes, but now I-I really mean it.- Oh, my god, there's Sandy! - Sandra Bullock? Yeah, Sandra Bullock.We're such good friends, I call her "Sandy," So... No, Sandy who works at Lily's preschool.- Right there. - Oh, yeah.- You know, she got engaged. - No!- To the gay boyfriend? - Totally.Oh, how does she not see it?If I was with somebody that gorgeous,I'd overlook a few quirks, too.First of all, thank you.Second of all...point well taken.I don't know. Poor Sandy. I feel so bad for her.- Well, it's better than being alone. - Is it?She's looking over here.- Oh, my god. - Mitchell, you're sitting on the button.What? No--no, I'm not. No, I'm not!The--it's stuck!And you're the one that had it last- when you were talking to the cheese shop! - Because you know what? If you advertise truffle cheese,- there are certain expectations... - Hi, Sandy.Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Claire Dunphy.- What a beautiful name. - She used to be a citizen.I'm calling on behalf of Claire Dunphy for town council.All right. How about this?if you vote for Claire Dunphy...You won't have to pay taxes for the rest of your life.Vote for Claire!Luke! What are you doing?You can't say that!Oh, like she'd be the first politicianto make a promise she can't keep.Well, maybe I don't want to talk to you, either. Maybe you are the one that is bothering me!How do you like that? Eh?Gloria, I'm gonna have to ask you againto please stick to your script.But everybody's saying no to me!I don't get it.Usually when I ask someone to do something,they just do it!Maybe it's because these people can't see you.I don't like it.Can't you just hook me up to some sort of camera? Well, thank you, Maggie, for the vote.Okay. Bye-bye.Here's your seat.Thank you. Um, you'll have to excuse me.I'm a little nervous. I've never been on the radio before. Don't worry about it.- Just think of it as a conversation. - Okay.Here are your headphones. Volume control.- Don't get too far from the mike. - Okay.Make sure your cell phone's off.Oh. Cell phone. Right. Um...And you're not chewing gum, are you?No, I'm not. I just had some temporarydental work done.The last thing I need--And welcome back to "A matter of record."I'm Cecil Van Gundy.Joining us now in studio is district 43town council candidate Claire Dunphy.Thank you, Cecil.It's a pleasure to be here.So... You're a first-time candidate.Tell us what got you involved.It all started with a, um...With a stop sign.I was concerned about safety in our neighbourhood and I was not getting any satisfaction from city hall. What's wrong with mom?Oh, this isn't good.She sounds drunk!That's not her drunk voice.Tell us about some of the other issues facing our town. Where do you stand on the city'ssewage and sustainability initiative,the so-called S.S.I.?One cannot really talk abouts-s-sewage and sustainabilitywithout first discussing... recycling.This city can do more...- What the hell's wrong with her? - with the recycling program... She sounds drunk!- ...currently... - It's a tooth thing.What's wrong?Oh, I'm almost out of air. Oh, boy.Is that serious?Is oxygen serious?You know what? I lost a ton of time getting your glasses.I'm just gonna drop you at home.You can get your air. I can drive other people.I don't have any more tanks at home.Why? That seems like bad planning.Well, I forgot to order them.My pills make me forget things.Oh, shoot! I gotta take my pill!Please tell me you have it with you.Of course I do, but I have to take 'em with food.- Don't I? - Are you asking me?Uh, yes! I do take them with food!Ooh. I don't feel so well.Okay, I'll get you whatever you want!I'll get you the air, I'll get you the food.Then I'll vote for your drunk wife.That is not her drunk voice!Thank you so much for voting.We appreciate it.Hi. I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me. Jay Pritchett. Uh, can I get in-- in and out really quick?Thank you. This is all I needed.Thank you very much. Thank you very much.All right. Claire, Claire, Claire.Claire, Claire-- ahh, ahh. Here.I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!Hello, Dottie!Jay! It's so nice to see you!- Is it? - Oh, why wouldn't it be?That was a long time ago. Water under the bridge. - We're good. - Oh, that's great.Thank you so much for voting.You remember my daughter Claire. She's--She's running for town council.- Oh, isn't that neat? - Yeah, I'm so proud.So you're gonna put it in there, huh?Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Definitely.cause every vote counts, you know.Thank you so much for voting.- You know... - Yeah.Boy, I'd sure like to see the sweet sightof my vote... counting.Why would I say I'd do something and not do it? That would make me a liar...instead of a trusting widowWho fell asleep in the warm embraceof a man who promised to make breakfast.Okay, here it is.Look, I am so sorry.You were the first woman I'd been with besides my ex--35 years.I panicked.An-and it wasn't 'cause y-you weren't pretty nakedor anything like that.I'd have run from Angie Dickinson.- Oh, lucky her. - Dottie--- Good-bye, Jay! - Dottie, Dottie, please.I'm just trying to get my ballot in the box.oh, yeah, that sounds familiar.Yeah, but you don't have to do anything.Just let me put it in!Uhh. Shouldn't have said that.We are so sorry.We did not mean for you to hear any of that.Yes, and you know what?We shouldn't have been gossiping in the first place. But what if you're right?What if Gregory is gay?When my mom said it, I didn't believe her.She lives in Iowa.But coming from you two!- Means nothing. - No.We barely know your fiance.- If he says he's straight, he's straight. - Mm. Straight. We're getting married in a month.People are flying in.He signed us up for dance classes.Oh, my god!No. No, no, no. Hey.- This is what gays do. - Yeah.- We gossip. - We gossip a lot.He gossips!No. No. You're missing the point, okay?We see a great-looking guy like Gregory,and we say he's gay because we want him to be gay! - Really? Really? Are you sure? - Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Look at what we do with movie stars. Okay.You know? Hugh Jackman-- he sings, he dances,He's dreamy!So obviously we would want him on our team!- Yeah. - But he's straight.Trust me, I know.I said hello to him once in a restaurant,and there was absolutely no chemistry.Well, if that isn't proof...Three weeks later, Sandy and Gregory got married,and everyone said the wedding was beautiful.Gregory did the flowers....Which is perfectly normal for a straight guy.The Greeks do one thing right, and it's lamb!All right. Let's go vote.Why the hell does your wife want to be a politician, anyway? You heard her. She wanted to put upa stop sign at Bristol and Greenleaf,But then she ran into--Wait, wait, wait!That's near where I live!Yeah. We're neighbors. Let's go!No way I'm voting for that!Too much government already.I didn't fight a war so some politiciancould tell me where I have to stop my car.You don't even drive!That's 'cause that Barack Obama took my license away.I don't think he was involved in the decision!I left the house today to get 50 votes for my wife.I'm not going home with zero.The least you can do is walk right in thereand punch a hole for the womanwho drags your garbage can up your driveway every Tuesday!I don't like it! Goes against everything I believe in.Really? A stop sign?!But I'll do it, 'cause you're a good kid.And I had a nice day...till you started yelling at me.So sorry. Thank you.Here you go.You know, my wife was an alcoholic, too.Okay. Let's just go vote.That's veteran political reporterWalter Shapiro.Hi, everyone!- Any news? - Not yet, not yet,But even if I lose, at least now I knowI have a future in radio.I couldn't. People need to see me.Before we get the results, I just want to thank you all for everything you've done for me.Mitch and Cam, for campaigning for me all dayin your little Claire-mobile.- It's the least we could do. - Yeah.Literally.We probably did more for Hugh Jackman's career than we did for Claire's.And, Manny and Gloria,thank you for making all those phone calls.And, dad...for all your support.I don't think I convinced anyone to vote for Claire.I don't think I even voted.And my husband...who drove aroundI don't know how many senior citizens today to the polls.One.And my beautiful children,whose faith has given me the confidenceto believe that I can do this.I can--oh.- Somebody else answer it. I lost. - Mom. Mom.- I can feel it. I-- - Mom.You can do it. Mom. Answer the phone.Hello?This is she.Thanks so much for calling.Bye-bye.I have some bad news.Because someone's gonna be busy now that she's a councilwoman? No, no, I wasn't doing that fake thing.- I really lost. I lost. - Ay, no.I'm so sorry. But you know what?We are still just so proud of you.[哀悼克莱尔]Yeah! I-- I don't know about you,But, um... I could use a glass of wine.Ohh. Now you're gonna hear her drunk voice. Mom?You okay?Yes. Fine. I'm good.I'm fine. I'm not fine. I wanted to win,And... and I'm so embarrassed.I mean, everybody out here worked so hard for me, and they believed in me,and I let 'em down.Oh, honey.Oh, sweetheart.Well, don't cry. I'm gonna be fine, sweetie. Really, I am.Just knowing you care so much makes me feel better. No, I got four rejection lettersI never told you guys about.What?I got rejected from U.C.S.B., Oregon, Wisconsin... - Oh, no. - And Northwestern.Well, we were overshooting on that one.What about, uh...It came today. My last chance.I'm too scared to open it.Whatever it says in there,your father and I are crazy proud of you.Okay?I did start trying this year.I know you did. You did.You have nothing to be ashamed of.Neither do you.It's a little bit different.No, it's exactly the same.Except you tried really hard the whole time,not just at the end.You're right.It is the same.We have nothing to be ashamed of...So let's open that together.Yeah, open it.What? No! What are you doing here?No. Come on, haley. We believe in you.Do it!You can always work for me.Come on. You can do it. You can do this.- Come on, Haley. - All right.Open. Open, open, open."Dear Miss Dunphy,We regret to inform you..."Oh, honey."While we cannot offer you admission at this time, "You are a promising candidate, and thereforeWe would like to place you on our wait list!" Oh, my god, I got wait-listed!We will take it!Yeah!Congratulations! Congratulations!Our daughter might be going to college!Phil, look.A stop sign.It's addressed to you."Dear Claire, I won. You lost."Here's your stupid stop sign."Next time you think about bothering me, "Please take its advice.Your councilman, the honorable Duane Bailey." Honey, you did it!I did it.I made our neighborhood a little bit safer.I may have even saved life.You idiot, there's stop sign! Can't you read?we need speed bumps.No, no. No! Honey!。
Okay. I'll -- I'll get that.Hello?Hey, Manny's getting his outfit togetherfor the dance tonight.I was just taking some supplies out to the car.Isn't this exciting -- the boys' first dance?Greatest day of my life.Does Phil have a green pocket square for him?Teal!Teal.I don't know. I don't think Phil'sreally a pocket-square kind of a guy.Why don't we conference in Mitch?Ay! Look. This might work.Well, except that it's turquoise...oh, and a bra?!Do you think the kids in my village had pocket squares? Here we go with the village.- Dad, are you still there? - Unfortunately, yes. Please ask Claire what timedo I need to be at the school to help set up.Gloria wants to know --No, I heard. I heard.Um, tell her thank you so much,but we have all the help we could possibly need,and she doesn't even have to come tonight- if she doesn't want to. - Claire said --I heard.Hello?Oh, hey, Mitch!- Where are you? - Oh, we're at the park.You would not believehow some of these people dress their kids.Lily's friend just pulled a Britney Spearsgetting out of a sandbox car.So, dad's on the line.Do you he a teal pocket square for Manny? Cam, Manny needs a teal pocket square.Oh, I've got teal, I've got aqua, i've got sea foam... - Yeah, Cam's got one. - Cam's got one.Yes!Oh, you know what? I lent it to Andre.Ah. He lent it to Andre.Flag on the play.What's that mean?What's that mean?!Now I got to go to the mall.Is this okay?Oh, hey! Luke has to go to the mall, too. What?Phil.Let's go, Incredible Hulk.Let's go, Incredible Hulk.更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 Uh, is that ur little girl over there -- Lily? - Yes. Look at her. - Yes.Uh, well, this is a little bit awkward,but she bit Tyler.Oh, no.Oh, my goodness.I -- I don't even know what to say.She's never done anything like that before. How did it happen?I don't know. I didn't see.It's time to play everyone's favorite game. "Let's blame the gay dads"!You know who had straight parents? Adolf Hitler.Charles Manson.- Shall we go on? - Naomi Campbell.I-I know it happened.He's got bite marks on his arm.Oh, gosh, someone really sunk their teeth into you, huh? It's 'cause you're such a yummy little guy!Yes!Our daughter didn't do that.- But he said -- - Right.He's probably just confused.You know who I bet did it, though?Billy. Rhymes with Lily.Plus, he is very aggressive.His babysitter's right over there.She's -- she's not much of a disciplinarian.Because I can assure you,if our child did something like this,if our child did something like this,we would be on her like white on rice.And I know that sounds a little bit like a racial slur, because we're white and she presumably likes rice,but I didn't intend it that way.Ah. Finally. There's a spot.Guys, I am just bursting with pride right now.Your first dance.Soon you're gonna be men.I want you to know there's more to be a manthan just shopping for fancy outfits.Yep. Pretty soon, you get some hair on your chest,you start answering the phone,people don't think you're ladies.Come on, today, Miss Daisy.Actually, Miss Daisy was the one being driven, not the one driving.Never saw it.It's called "Driving Miss Daisy".You got a real lip on you today. You know that? Hey! That was our spot!What are you doing?You're gonna let him snake your spot?Not worth it.Boys, here's the only thing you got to know about being a man --never let someone take what is yours.Unless it's just a parking spotand there's plenty of others.That's sweet, Phil. You ought to write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?I love Jay. Are you kidding me?He's my boy.Yeah, he gives me a hard time,but that's the deal with a father-in-law.The key is,I never let him see just how much it devastates me. It's "Dunphy."That's what I said -- "Dumphy."No, not "dumb"."Dunphy"."Dumphy".- Say "done". - Done.- Say "fee". - Fee.- "Done-fee". - "Dumphy".All right, just bring it this way?This way -- there it is.Perfect. Thank you. Perfect.Cla-a-aire?- What? - Can you ask Gus to fix that light?I asked him, but he just growled at me.Oh, gosh. Okay.Gus, stop scaring Bethenny and fix the light, please? Don't make me come over there.I'm busy. You fix it.Is this because I saidi wouldn't come to the dance with you?Gus, I'm a married woman. People would talk.One dance with me, you'd forget all about him. Yeah, I already have a husband who doesn't fix lights. Please?Thank you so much.This school would literally fall apart without you. Well, I don't know about "literally"，but...Ihola, hola! I'm here!Oh, you came anyway.That's great.I think it's great, too.A few weeks ago, they asked for someoneto be in charge of the school dance,and I volunteered.The school asks for volunteersso that everybody will feel included,but who are they kidding?They want me to do it.I've put on every school dance since Haley was 12.It's my thing.They made us co-chairs,which means we're supposed to do everything together, but Claire won't take any of my ideas.She suggested an "Arabian nights" theme.Isn't it a little soon?Okay. Um, hey, everybody?Do you know Gloria, Manny's mom?She's here to help us out today.I'm the co-chair.So, the kids are gonna be here in two hours,so everybody back to work.Everybody back to work.I just said that.And I just co-said it.I mean, the nerve of that lady accusing Lily?Mm. Well, you know what? You can't change people, Cam.I mean, we just have to rise above.What happened?She bit me.Are you serious?Ohh! Ah! She did it again!It's like "Twilight" back here!No! No ice cream for you, Billy,because the lady say you biting!Okay. Okay. Go. Go.- Yeah. - Go, go, go.Drive.Are you sure this is teal?'Cause I'm starting to get a real strong green thing here. That's the fluorescent lights.Do you mind if I walk this over to lamps galore?I need you to worry about this less.Guess who fit into the suit on the mannequinand saved us 20%?Here's something I didn't know about mannequins --they don't have a wiener.What the heck is that?It's a nicer word for "penis".No, I mean, what the heck is this?It's a tie.It's teal.I don't care.I just grabbed the first one I saw.Well, grab a different one.No!Now I like it.Uh, I think we were here first.I just have one thing. I'm in a big rush.So are we.That's fine. Go ahead.Seriously?Jay, it's not a big deal.And can you give me the sale pricesfor some things I bought last week?Oh, for god's sake!Now, this is what i'm talking about, boys.You give people an inch, they'll run all over you. Or you could just be nice -- pay it forward. They don't make movies out of bad ideas.All I know is you got to fight for what you want. If there's one job available,this guy just got it,and they go hungry at the "Dumphys'". "Dunphys'".Okay, I don't get it. Why is she biting?Lily, why are you biting?She's not biting. She's teething.On people!All right, if she starts biting her play dates,she's gonna be a pariah.Try "piranha".Really, cam?It was right there.All right, you should also know that I in no way --in no way -- blame you.- Well, thank you. Why would you blame me? - I don't. Well, good, because I don't blame you.Well, obviously.Uh, okay, well, now I'm starting to feel the blame. No. No. Don't -- it's...it's just that you're with her all day.I have a daughter who bites and a partner who stings. Okay. Okay, you want to know the truth? Sometimes you've sent her some mixed signals.I'm gonna bite your feet!I'm gonna bite 'em right off!Oh, I'm not the one who uses my teeth like a multi-tool. Here we go. Cookies for Lily......and wine for us.Okay.I can't believe you would equate --Oh, don't bite my head off.I'm not a pack of batteries.Un poquito mas aca. Es perfecto all.Ay, good. Bellissimo.Why is this box here?!I am sorry -- we did,because we were moving the tables.Well, why are you moving the tables?So the kids have more space to dance.It's better this way.Is it really, Gloria?Because right now it kind of just looks likea clump of tables and a big open space. Look, I'm sorry,but we've always done it this way,and I think it's gonna throw people offif you move them around.Oh, my god, these tables look great!Who did this?I did!I love it!Hello.We haven't been properly introduced.- I'm Gloria. - I'm Bethenny.I don't know if anybody's ever told you this, but you're really pretty.No. No, Bethenny. No one's ever told her that.I am seriously freaking outabout these tables!You know what? Let's just put a pin in where we're gonna put the tables. Yes, we're keeping the tables!So what else can I do?Um...you can...help me with the chairs.Okay.We need a lot of them.They're under the stage right...here. There you go.It's like dirty and dark there, no? Yeah, I know. Bummer, right?Off you go.Smells funny, Claire!So sorry. Keep goin'!What?We needed chairs.We needed chairs.We needed chairs.We needed chairs.We needed chairs.What are you guys talking about? No, nothing. He was just sayinghow much he loves the tables.If I had the receipt,I wouldn't need you to look it up.At this rate, I'm going to miss the first dance...at my wedding!I thought he only had one item.Tell your dad, if it were up to me,we'd have been in and out of here in about 10 minutes. You mentioned that.And I'll probably mention it again,because, thanks to someone,we're gonna be here for a while.Yeah, I get it.You know, Luke, you should order that suit in a larger size, - because by the time we get out of here - I...get...it.Pay for the suit.Where the hell are you going?Luke needs...socks.Make 'em teal!You're playing a very dangerous game.Hey, boys...look who it is --the guy that stole our parking spot.- Are you going to hit him? - I'd totally hit him.I'm not gonna hit him,but I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.Now, boys, pay attention -- you want to be men,this is how you handle a jerk like this. Hey, chief?You know, you stole our parking space today. - What? - That's right.I was waiting for the parking space,You sneaked right in there --that make you feel like a big man?Did I? I didn't even notice.That's no excuse.I'm really sorry.My dog died today.I had to put him to sleep.14 years,he was all I had.Now I can't stand the thoughtof going back to my empty apartment,So I just keep wandering around the mall. You know what? Forget about the...spot.Oh, god!That was his name!Do not hit him.Oasis for men?That's funny.You made that sound like a question,then you didn't wait for me to answer.- What? - Here, let me show you.Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go --You go, "Oasis for men"?You see what I mean? You went, "Oasis for men"?You should have said, "Oasis for men"?Then I'd go, "Yeah, give me two".But instead, you went, "Oasis for men".- Okay. I get it. - You see what I mean?- I-I get it. I get it. - No, I'm not sure you do!You sprayed before "Men"!You went, "Oasis for men".- Okay. Okay. - Men!- Men! Men! - Stop it! Stop it!- Men! Men! Men! Men! - Stop it!- Men! Men! Men! Men! - Stop it!Men! Men! Men! Men! Men!Hey, Phil.I don't know what happened.I just...I...I don't know what happened.Look, I might've come down on you a little bit hard today. I'm sorry.I remember pretending to go look for some socks...I mean, it's, uh, my fault.I pushed your buttons.My father-in-law was the same way with me.He was horrible.Grandpa Lucas? He was a sweetheart.Yeah, after the stroke mellowed him out good. Before? An animal.We named Luke after him.Everything I did was wrong.If I said it was white, he'd say it was black. Although he never said anything was black'cause he was a pretty big racist.I wear his watch.I hated him. Hated him.And I was thinking -- I don't know --I don't want you to think the same way about me. You ever think about maybenot being a jerk to me so much?Now, see, you got to stop taking that stuff personally. I'm like that with everybody.I'm tough!And...Mean.I don't like to take guff!Or people's feelings into consideration.Okay, okay.I can't swear my way's the right way.I see you smiling, skipping around,and I think sometimes -- I don't know --maybe the boys would be better offif they were a little bit more like you.You know, skipping burns more calories than running. That's --We're done here.Oh, hey, listen.He didn't tell me, but what'd you do to that guy, huh? Did you get him?Yeah, I sprayed him with cologne.I'm sorry I asked.No, but, like, a lot of cologne.I just, like, got way up in there.Good boy.Did you find anything yet?Yes, there's a whole section on bitingon this Mommy forum.Oh, good. What does it say?Uh, "My son was biting,so I got a stranger to yell at him”."Being disciplined by someone else outside the family scared him into stopping."- Idiots! - Cam!What? I am not hiring some hoboto come over here and traumatize my child.She's already prone to flashbacks,if you know what I mean.Yeah, you know she didn't fight in Vietnam, right?I don't know anything anymore.What else does it say?Okay, well, this one says,"When my daughter bit her brother,I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth"."She cried and cried, but she never bit again". Smiley face.Oh, well, the smiley face makes it okay."I waterboarded our toddler --lol"!Well, all right, what do you suggest we do?That we log off the Spanish inquisition website and handle this with love.Okay, Lily...take a bite of an apple, take a bite of a peartake a bite of the cookie that you left over there Here's one thing you should never do.Don't bite Taylor or Brandon or Suebecause people aren't food. People aren't food Your friends will run awayif they're scared of being chewedand as a side note,private parts are privateWell...problem solved.I know you're being sarcastic,but you don't know that it's not.Ow! Honey.- Did she just bite you again? - No.That is it. I am getting the pepper!N -- no, you are not.Cam, you're not doing her any favors by being soft. Oh, well, then, why don't you just skip the pepper, I'll get some pliers, and we'll pull her teeth now! Play relax! It's a seasoning.Okay. Well, then, why don't you try some?- Stop. - No. Try a little.- Stop it. Stop it, Cam. Stop it. - No, try a little bit. Don't you hit me. Here. Put some in there.- No! Well... - Ow! You bit me! Mm!Why don't you sing me a song about it?Oh, look at you two in your matching ties!- Don't get me started. - Ohh, come here.Luke, sweetie, aryou wearing cologne?No. Dad attacked the perfume guyand then hugged me.I saw the boys in those adorable little suits,and it made me realize this dance is about them.It's not about meand my petty little competition with...with Gloria.Just look at the walls in here.Who wears that to a kids' dance?I know. She looks amazing.Okay, I'm gonna slow things downwith a blast from the pastfor our chaperones.Oh, my god.No, I'm fine.I'm -- I'm fine.I'm fine. I'm fine.I need a paper towel.I'm sorry. I didn't see you.No...Of course you didn't. Of course you didn't.'Cause it's gloria's night.That's right.It's all about Gloria, Gloria, Gloria!When you're done getting married...maybe you can mop this up a little.What was that?It's this damn uniform.Okay, we need to talk.No. I am fine. I do not need to talk.Well, you've been pushing me away the whole week. You've been fighting all my ideas.That's because this is my thing, Gloria.Why can't it be my thing, too, Claire?Because everything is your thing!This -- this is the one thing that was my thing.This is my only thing.Oh my god, this is my only thing.And then you come along and you steal my thunder with your tight dresses and your great ideas.I was the one that all the moms looked up to.I was the only one that Gus liked.Ay! Please.You like him so much, you can keep him.It's not the same now that I know he likes you.That sounds really insane,but this isn't actually about gus.Really? Because you've been talking a lot about him. Gloria, Gus is a symbol.A sex symbol?Stop it, Gloria. I'm already crying.Claire...I didn't come here to steal your thunder. Your thunder is your thunder,and my thunder is my thunder.I know. It's just that god gave you so much thunder. Yeah, maybe too much.I hate how those women look at me.You think I don't know what they're thinking? "Ah, here comes the hot one with the big boobies that is gonna steal my husband".And maybe they don't let their kids play with Manny.I volunteer because I want them to seethat there's so much more to me.Why didn't you tell me that?Maybe for the same reason you didn't tell meyou had a weird thing for Gus --It's embarrassing.Okay. I am sorry.I made this whole thinginto some ridiculous competition,and...I'm pathetic.You're not pathetic.Okay, that's a little bit sad.We like to think we're so smartand we have all the answers.And we want to pass all that on to our children. But...if you scratch beneath the surface,you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is why it's kind of crazythat now we're raising kids of our own.You know what? This is a milestone.We're accepting that our little angel isn't perfect.That's right. And it's okay.I-I take it back --she is perfect.But I guess that's the real circle of life.Your parents faked their way through it,you fake your way through it,and, hopefully,you don't raise a serial killer.That's not funny.I am so sorry.No,just come over watching movieput the whole thing behind you.Okay, see you in a bit.That was Longines. He's in a very bad place.Oh, no. What happened?Well, apparently some maniac went crazy at the mall and attacked him with oasis for men.Oh. Well, I think we all knew that day was coming. All right. Wish me luck.Good luck.Okay, honey.Please don't hurt daddy.All right."Ahh".。
Mom. The dog again.I know baby. I want to strangle that crazy old thing. Just ignore it.It's easy for you to ignorebecause you have the old-man hearing.But Manny and I -- we have the young ears.I don't get how one dog keeps you awakewhen you grew up sleeping throughcockfights and revolutions.Mm-hmm. Very funny, Jay.Manny hasn't been able to sleep in weeks.It's screwing his brain for school.And it doesn't stop.It goes on and on and on and on and on and on- and on and on and on. - Yes, that could be annoying. That's it. I'm going over there.Gloria, now, don't go starting somethingbecause whenever you do, I'm the one that --That she couldn't hear.They're gone. Cam.All the children are gone.What children?I was running in the park,and I noticed that none of the kidsLily usually plays with were there.- Well, it's still early. - But then I ran into Lori.Boobs Lori or adult-braces Lori?- Great-shoes Lori. - Oh, I like her.And she said that they all sent their kids to preschool. What?! We agreed to wait till next year.It was a fake-out to make sure that their kids got a spot. Those skinny bitches.We have got to get her into school, Cameron,or else she's gonna fall behind.Don't you think I know that?This is perfect.Oh, leave it to the gaysto raise the only underachieving Asian in America.to raise the only underachieving Asian in America. Okay, here you go.Guys, breakfast.Guys. Phil. Hello.Totally with you.Kids, put your dishes in the dishwasher.Okay, no. That's it.Everybody, gadgets down now!Why are you freaking out?Because you're all so involved with your little gizmos, nobody is even talking.Families are supposed to talk.What are you doing that's so important?Oh, I'm locking in my fantasy roster.I'm unbeatable.We're totally getting an aboveground pool. Die, stupid, die!Luke, I told you to put that down now.Come on, buddy.One second. I'm about to beat dad's record. You heard your mother.What is so funny?Nothing."Mom's insane." Thank you, Haley.At least we talk.Hello.Hey, it's me. What's a good preschool?Uh, well, our kids went to Wagon Wheel.And it was good? You liked it?Oh, well, you know my kidsare middle-management material at best.Didn't want to waste a lot of money --Yes, Mitchell, it's good.Why the interest?I just realized that all of Lily's friendsare going to school this year, and now she's late. Don't worry. She can wait another year.Just buy her a Blackberry,that's all she's gonna want to do anyway.What did she say?She says to buy her a Blackberry.Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire! What is happening?Can you just check with your schooland see if maybe you can get us in?Hmm. I-I can probably get you an interview. Oh, no. That's great. That's great.Thank you. I really appreciate it.Oh, and, by the way, what do you thinkof that place Billingsley Academy?Ooh. Billingsley. Very hoity-toity.You can't get in there unless you're really rich or you know somebody on the board.Oh, god, this is a nightmare.Mitch, it's preschool. Don't overthink it.My kids didn't go to Billingsley,and they are fine.I have to go.Phil.That's awesome.That's awesome.- Buenos dias. - Hi.We haven't formally met.I'm Gloria Pritchett from next door.Larry Paulson. Yeah, I've seen you. Mm. Lucky guy.Wait a minute, then tell me.Your dog doesn't stop barking.All morning, all night.He wakes my son up,and he needs his sleep.It's not my dog. It's my soon-to-be ex-wife's. She moved out three weeks ago.Is she coming back for it?Not unless it starts crapping money.Well, you need to do something about the dog. The dog is old and stupid.Who are you really mad at, Larry?The dog or your wife?Who the hell is this kid?Hey, there's no need for that.I'll tell you who he is.His name is "shut up your damn dog"!You know what's ironic?And I have never once said a wordAbout that obnoxious parrot of yoursThat's always squawking.Parrot?What parrot?Jay!Jay!Jay!What is he talking about? What parrot?How the hell do I know?So, what do we do now?Nothing. We did it. He heard us.He didn't hear nothing.Jay, don't go. Jay!Jay! Jay!Okay, we have called this family meetingBecause the personal electronics have gotten out of control. Starting today, there's going to be a one-week ban-On all cellphones, texting, -oh!Im'ing, video chatting, video-gaming,-Anything on the internet. -How am I supposed to do my homework? The way I did.With a chisel and a piece of stone.-Phil. -Can't unplug my funny bone.I have a huge science paper due.And we have a great set of encyclopedias...Somewhere.What do you think the public library is for?I thought that was a bathroom for homeless people.Can I still play plants vs. Zombies?Are you not listening?-But you learn about plants. -Mm-hmm.And plants are life.Are you against life?How am I supposed to talk to my friends?Talk to them at school.Or at a juice bar.Or on the house phone.Nobody even knows our number.I don't even know our number.So, you're saying dad's not going to go online? -Yep. -Dad?-That's right. -What about fantasy football? Not a problem. My team's set this week.I am completely on boardyour mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear. For the next week, I may as well be Amish. Jebediah Dunphy.Raising barns, witnessing murders,Making electric fireplace hearths.Oh! This is so unfair!You know what?We're gonna make this fun.Turn it into a game.Whoever stays unplugged the longest, wins. Not what I had in mind, Phil.-What do we win? -What do you want?I want a new computer.DoneWe're gonna get them off of electronicswith the promise of more electronics?-I want chicken pot pie. -And chicken.I want a car.-No way! -Done!Yeah, I'm getting a car!-Yeah, fun, right? -Phil!We cannot afford a third car.Relax. They're never gonna last as long as us.Oh, honey, don't take this the wrong way,but I have almost no faith in you.Joanie will be right out.She's just finishing up another interview.Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.- You're welcome. - I really like this place.- Look at all these drawings. - I know.And did you see the duckies in the yard?- Lily loves duckies. - I know.I'm gonna mention that.Okay, well, do,because that's really gonna set her apart from the rest of the kids. We should also mentionhow she always perks up when we watch "Charlie Rose."That was one time. He was interviewing Elmo.That was one time. He was interviewing Elmo.You boys ought to relax.Oh, I'm sorry.- We just -- we really want to make a good impression. - Mm.Gay adoptive parents with a minority baby? Sugars, you can get into any school you want. What was that? Really?Oh, you didn't know that?oh, yeah.All of these schools like to brag about their diversity. You're diverse times three.In demand.You're like Jimmy Buffett ticketsYou're like Jimmy Buffett ticketsto these hybrid-driving, straight white folks.I hear that, girl.Yeah.I'm coming!Where the hell is the dog?-Who is it? -It's our neighbor.The dog is gone.Maybe it ran away.It was chained to a tree.Maybe your wife took it.According to my credit card, my wife is in europe, searching for the world's most expensive hotel. Then what do you want from us?You come over complaining about the dogAnd the next day it's gone?You tell me.-I'll tell -- -how dare you?You come to our house, you ring our bell many times, And you accuse us of taking your dog.You should go home.-We're not done here. -Yes, we are.What did you do?You don't want to know.Gloria's grandfather and uncles were butchers,so she's always had a certain comfort levelwhen it comes to...Killing.One time, we had this rat...What? First you smash it,then you cut the head off.It was like nothing to her.I go to church now.She left the head out thereTo send a message to the other rats.- Hey. - Hi, honey.How was your day at work?Amazing. Mwah.Great. What happened?Instead of wasting my lunch hour surfing the web, checking football stats,I put on some mellow music,and I meditated.Wow. For how long?I have no idea. I just woke up 20 minutes ago.Hey, mom.I need a bar of soap and a black marker for an art project. Okay. Well, the marker's over there,and the soap is under the sink.Isn't it great how much time you havenow that you're not wasting it online?Oh, my god. Is this what you always sound like?Look what I built, dad. Dunphy towers.200 condos, a happy family in every one.Way to go, buddy.I got to hand it to you, honey.24 hours without video games,he's already contributing to society.Die! Die!To be fair, he's using his imagination.There's no fire escapes!They cut corners!I'll cut your corners!Hello?Oh, hi. Luke, honey, it's for you.Hi, Griffin. How are you?Yeah, he's right here. Hold on.Hey, Griffin.- Oh, my God! - What happened?There's a parasailing-donkey video on Youtube.Oh, my god!Wait, Luke. What about the contest?I quit.I'm not made of stone, you know.Uhh! I can't believe it.I got a "B" on my paper.- Good for you. - Yeah.No, it would be good for you.It's terrible for me.Thanks to your moldy encyclopedias,my take on mitosis was completely out of date.They don't even call it protoplasm anymore.It's cytoplasm.Well, you could have asked one of us.Now you're making jokes?- I'm not making a joke. - Really?What's the difference between a gamete and a zygote? Don't fall for it, Claire.She's just making up words.That's it.I need the internet.I'm out of your stupid contest.And then there were three.She's kind of scary.We're not buying her a car.Hey, buddy, what you reading?"The old man and the sea."You like it?I like that Hemingway gets to the point.You read a lot of his stuff?That was a hint, Jay.Oh, okay.I want to ask you something...between you and me.You want to know if I think my momdid something to that dog.- Yeah. - Sit.Don't most kids drink soda?Who knows what they do?So, your mom.Jay, I've learned a few things in my 12 years.Don't skimp on linens,don't compliment a teacher on her figure,and when it comes to my mom,never ask questions I don't want the answers to.I don't buy it. Sensitive kid like you.I think you want to know every bit as much as I do. You're wrong.Then why is your hand shaking?This is my fifth one of these today.I may have a problem.Okay. That's enough.No, no, no, 4:00 tomorrow is fine.Yeah, my life partner and I will see you then.Thank -- thank you.Since when do you call me your life partner?Since a spot opened up at Billingsley Academy.But I liked Wagon Wheel. It had all the duckies.And it reminded me of where I went in Missouri. Cam, everyone goes to Billingsley for a reason --It's the Harvard of preschools.She's not even 2 years old yet.She doesn't need the Harvard of Preschools.She needs finger painting and duckies.I'm begging you to please just say "Ducks."Hello?Great news. Wagon Wheel loved you.- You're in. - Oh.Wagon Wheel wants us.Oh, yes!Okay. Well, that's great and everything,but actually we have an appointment tomorrow- At Billingsley. - Really?Yeah, apparently we are in very high demand.Oh, well, just so you know, I don't think Wagon Wheel is gonna hold a place for you.Well, I think we're gonna take our chance.Take our chance? That sounds chancy.You know, Mitchell,you were the one who called me in a panic.You were the one who needed me to get you in.I'm sorry, Claire.I didn't mean to put you out.But let's not get too dramatic here.You wrote an e-mail.It wasn't an e-mail.It was a phone call from a land line.What did you do?- What's best for Lily. - Did you?Cam, this is the first time that being gayis a competitive advantage.They're choosing teams for gym class,and we're finally getting picked first.I always got picked first.I could throw a dodgeball through a piece of plywood. But I see your point.Don't sneak up on me like that.What are you doing out here?You got in my head about my mom.Is that the rat shovel?Yeah.Are you checking it for signs of dog?I was going to.Well, let's do this quick.If she catches us,we're as dead as that dog probably is.- What are you doing here? - Nothing.Why are you looking at that shovel?Do you think someonedid something with that shovel, Manny?He thinks you killed the dog.You little rat.Don't call me a rat!She kills rats!You really think that I would kill a dog?Well, what was I supposed to think?I don't know.How about I didn't kill a dog?Just tell me what you did with it.He's in a better place.That's what people say when something's dead.Okay, fine.I took him to a farmwhere he has plenty of room to run.That's the second thing people say when something's dead. My hairdresser's brother has three kids.They live in the country.They were so happy to have the dogthat they gave me a jar of pickles.Is that also what they say when something is dead?Really?Look. Look how happy they are,instead of him being tied to a tree outsidewith no one to talk to.Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place? Like you would be okay with me stealing a dog? - No. - Exactly.That's why I didn't tell you.Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep,and we have pickles.Okay, it worked out this time,but don't forget that stealing is against the law. - Now, maybe in Colombia. - Ah, here we go, because in Colombia we trip over goatsand we kill people in the street.Do you know how offensive that is?Like we are Peruvians!The contest was hard.Reservations.Even though we had sworn off the internet,the rest of the world hadn't.Orlando.Domestic.Representative.Representative!Representative! Representative!You've got mail.- Really, Claire? - You don't understand.I was trying to deal with our plane ticketsto visit your family.Please stop. You're just embarrassing yourself. Well, it looks like it's just you and me, old man. Bring it.And finally, here we are back at the office.If you two would like to take a seat,I will let Mr. Plympton know that you're here. - Thank you. - Yes, thank you.This place is amazing!I told you.It's like Hogwarts!It's like Hogwarts!The ladybug sanctuary.Oh, my gosh. The little cobblestones.So sweet. I know.Screw the duckies. We belong here.Do you think they're gonna let us in?Cam, relax.We're queer, we're here.Yes, we are.Okay. Just a few more minutes.Thank you.Yes, thank you.Hi. I'm Stephanie Kaner.And this is Javar.We have an interview with Mr. Plympton. Wonderful. These two are first. You'll be next. Single white mother, black child.So what?Lily's asian. We're gay.In the school admissions poker game,we're the winning hand.Oh, honey, sorry.My partner Kavita.Hi. Nice to meet you.Hello. Nice to meet you.It will be just a few minutes.Disabled interracial lesbians with an african kicker. Did not see that coming.It's been a while since I read an actual newspaper. Miss that sound.- No, no, no, no! - What is it?Brady's injured.No! He's my whole team.I have to change my roster.Honey, if you can't do it over the phone,You can't do it, because we're not buying Haley a car. - Yeah. - Yeah.Yeah.Well...Well, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.Phil Dunphy, don't you even dream of it.Claire, all my friends are in that league.- I'm gonna like an idiot. - So what?So I paid a huge entrance fee.- How huge? - Not huge. Tiny.Oh, my goodness. How is she not cracking up there? Listen to her.No, I know, but do you know?Wait a minute. She's alone.So?She's alone.Oh, my god.I know. You should see her pants.I'll text it to you.Oh, wait. Okay. Hold on. I'll send it.Ha! Aha! Aha! Busted!Sophie, I have to call you back.I knew it. I knew you couldn't do it.I told you I'd outlast them.- This sucks! - What's going on?I'll tell you what's going on.I win.Nobody gets a car, I dump Tom Brady,and our long amish nightmare is over.I can't believe you thoughtyou were gonna put one over on us.I can't believethat he's actually already on the internet.Believe it, girl.- So, you're actually online right now? - Yep. Well, then I hate to break it to you, daddy,but you lose.- What? - What?This isn't my phone.I carved it out of a bar of soapand colored it in with a marker.Phil, she carved a telephone out of a bar of soap.I can't believe it! I'm getting a car!Holy crap. We've been shawshanked.Sorry about the delay.I was going over the plans for our new dance studio. Wow.So, tell me about yourselves.Uh, well, I'm a lawyer.Many of our applicants are attorneys.Of course.What sets you apart?Um, well, I --While my white-man name is Tucker,I am 1/16 Cherokee.I am 1/16 Cherokee.Ready for child to soar like eagle.Oh, god.So, what are you saying?You're not getting a car.But I won.Yes, but we never thought you would. So?So, congratulations on your victory. Nobody can ever take that away from you. So true. Mm-hmm.But I spent two days in my roomtalking to a bar of soap.It's not fair.It's totally not fair.We're outraged.Bad parenting.But we had a deal.Which, in hindsight, was utter nonsense. Hey.We hated Billingsley.The place is so stupid. Ugh!You blew the interview, didn't you? Lesbians.In a wheelchair.Oh.You still mad at me?You tell me.What is this?I've been thinking if you said as much about America as I said about Colombia, I'd be plenty ticked off. Doesn't make up for everything, but...A trip to Colombia?I want to see your village, learn your culture.I love you.I'm sure I'm gonna love where you come from. Aw, Jay. Thank you, thank you, thank you.No way he's going to my village.I was in two car accidents when I was living there. Both times I hit a goat.One was hurt pretty bad.But it was a good thing I had a shovel in the trunk. The tribe builter fortold thatthough I lay with fire-haired man,the giving hawk would bring us babywith her skin the color of sweet corn,which my people call maize.Please stop.Well, um...Knowledge is her sustenance,like so much maize --which, you'll remember, means "Corn."What if I was a single dad?。
Excuse me, I'm so sorry.I never do this for celebrities.But are you by any chance the foxy momon the New Horizon realty ad.Am I gonna regret doing that?Did the marlboro man have any regrets?This ad is perfect.See, I'm not just selling houses,I'm selling myself,and the best part about me is my family.And my teeth.And both...are on display in this ad."I can't be satisfied until you're satisfied"?Coming soon to a bus bench near you,not to mention our minivan.So that's really happening?Wait. What's happening to our minivan?Having this bad boy shrink-wrapped on it.- Classy. - Yep.Now all that driving around your mom does will serve a purpose. Good morning, family.How are you all doing on this beautiful day?Okay. What's this?Haley's S.A.T. scores are available online.I hate you.Oh! ! Today's the big day.Let's take a look, see how she did.Do we really have to look at them now?Don't worry.We're not expecting any miracles.Thank you.Are those Haley's scores? Are you sure?Why? Are they bad?No, they're not bad.Are they good?No, they're average.Sweetie, we did it.Our baby's average.Medium five!This is just a fluke.She can take them again.Yeah, and she'll probably do even better.You are gonna have your choiceof some pretty good colleges when the time comes. If I go to college.What?I've been thinking about it lately,and I might...not.Later!Well, we took the scenic route,but we ended up in the same place.更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 From Zimbabwe to AlgeriaCome on, let me hear yaThese are the countries, these are the countries Cam recently became Franklin middle school's interim musical director.Go, Franklin!I was volunteering for their spring musical festival when their regular directorsuddenly and mysteriously became ill.Oh, sorry.It may have been a blessing.Their show lacked focus.I gave it a theme --"A musical trip around the world."Yeah, see, he focused itby making it about the world.You don't like it.No -- Cam. I do.Do you -- do you think that the kids, though,are gonna be able to learn it by tonight?I mean, maybe you should stickwith something that they already know.I knew this would happen.Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams? - I do not. - You do it all the time.And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams.I heard it as soon as I said it. Just leave it alone.All right, well, Cam, it's just that sometimesyou can be a little, you know, overenthusiastic.Is it really that big of a dealthat I want this to be the best show in the world? Well, as long as you heard me.Be in my corner. Don't be so critical.We-- is that really how you see me?Sometimes, yeah, I do, Mitchell.Cam, well, if -- if that's true, then I'm -- I'm sorry. No, you know, okay, from now on,I am in your corner 100%.Yeah, that song is gonna knock everyone out.Well, I don't know, butwait till you see the dance I have prepared.A dance? A dance!More toast, Manny?Why won't you call me, Emma?More toast, Emma?Do you have to be on all the time?Okay, I'm sorry. Who is this Emma?She's in the show with me tonight.I'm thinking of taking a run at her.You don't "Take a run" at a woman.You woo her. You make her feel special.Hey, hon, take a look at this.It's a picture of my butt.And then when you get her,you can tell her whatever you want.Why do you do this?I programmed it so my butt pops upwhen my brother donnie calls.It's a clever way of saying my brother's an ass.Is it?That's him. Compose yourselves.Forget I showed you this picture.I'm trying.How you doing, you dumb son of a bitch?You old mick. Looks like you've put on a few pounds. Oh, you too.What, are you eating your hair?Oh, Gloria. Oh.What are you still doing here?There's got to be an easier way to get a green card. Hey, uncle Donnie,are you coming to my school concert tonight?- Well... - It's an hour, tops....wouldn't miss it.Hey, you know, I think I misplaced my phone. Could you call me on yours?My phone's at the bottom of my bag.Why don't you use your home phone?Oh, come on. It's simple.What are you doing?I want the phone.How about you let go, you --Give me the phone, Donnie!You still think you can take me?!What? Is this all you got, huh?I'm gonna wash your mouth out with fist.I don't understand this relationship, Emma. Hey, Emma.Doing this show, it feels likewe've become like a little family, huh?You mean like you're my brother?No. N-no, I don't.Oh, no!They're back -- dinosaur arms!This isn't a good time, Luke.That is hilarious.Half boy, half t-rex.One foot in both worlds,Wanted by neither.Luke, that's a great way to stretch out a shirt.Okay, okay! Break's over, everyone!Let's take it from the top.Listen, we're running 20 minutes long,So we're gonna go ahead and cut the Bollywood number. Can I go? I'm late for soccer practice.You know who else missed soccer practice, Delroy? The cast of "Rent." And now they have a Tony.The cast of "Rent." And now they have a Tony.We have a Tony.You are so funny.Seriously?Hello?Hey, honey. Did they drop the van off yet?Yeah, a little while ago.How's it look?Uh, well, believe it or not,I have resisted the temptation to look.This whole Haley thing has got me a little preoccupied. We're on our way out to lunch right now.About that, I've been thinking.College is still a ways away.I say we leave Haley alone.The more we push, the more she'll push back.I'm gonna push.And I support that.Only dad can make our minivan even lamer.Excuse me. What are you doing?I'm driving this thing to the reservoir.Just jump when I say jump.Honey, slide over.How is this stupid ad supposed to sell houses anyway? You heard your father.He's not just selling houses...He's selling us.What are my friends gonna think?They are gonna thinkthat you're helping your father put food on the table.- Ay, is the chair broken? - Almost.That cheap, freeloading brother of minecan't keep his hands off my good Scotch,So, you see, I placed that Scotch there.My brother sits in this chair, goes out from under him -- Bam! -- Masterpiece.So you make your brother fall and spill his drink? Well, I don't want to jinx it, but that's the plan.Why are you both so mean?Where I come from, brothers respect each other.That's why Colombia is such a peaceful utopia. Hello, ladies.Hey, nice shirt.Do they sell men's clothes where you got that?That's funny because women are so inferior.You got no taste.I bought this for Melanie's baptism.Who's Melanie?Michael's kid, my granddaughter.Oh, I forgot to tell Irene I landed safely.Hello?How could you not knowthat your own brother had a granddaughter?I probably knew.How can you forget when he's family?I have 29 cousins, and I know them all --Rosa Marina, Gloria Maria,- Veronica Maria, Jose Vicente - Okay, okay, okay. What's your point?You do the chair, you do the fighting,But you don't know each other.It's sad.Look, I may not talk to my brotherthe way you talk to your sisters,But believe me, we're close in our own way. When was the last time that you saw him?Well, that's not easy, 'cause he lives up...See, I want to say Buffalo.All I'm sayingis that there's no downside to more education.I knew this car ride was a trap.See that?That right there shows me just how smart you are. Really? Again?What is going on?It's the stupid ad.They're honking on my side, too.Yes, we're the people in the ad.Yeah. Hi.Another great thing about collegecomplete independence.I'd have that in an apartment.No, because to have an apartment, you would need a job. You want to know what your job is in college?It's a little bit of class and homework.And it's a whole lot of new friends.And experiences.And the boys think you're cute and you are cute,And, oh, trust me, that doesn't last forever.Call the number!All right!You in the mood to lose?First time for everything.You break.So, how's work?Don't worry, moneybags. I'm not here for a loan.Nice break.All right, you're solids,which you won't be able to eat in a few years. Right, right.Seriously, though, how are things going with you? Swell.I'm beating a fat guy at pool right now. Donnie, I'm trying to talk to you.Why?Why? 'cause that's what people do.Talk about things, like their lives.Oh, Irene opened her big trap.Look, I'm fine.It's not like I'm gonna die.What?Yeah, they caught it early.I took the treatment. I'm clear for now.Come on. It's your shot.Caught what early?Donnie, are you talking about...cancer?You don't have to whisper. I know I got it.You just get your prostate checked -- by a doctor, not some guy you met on the internet.I can't believe you didn't tell me this.Because it's not a big deal.Now, listen. It's just between us.Oh, god.Irene, how the hell do I know where your glasses are?And there's frisbee golf,And -- and you go snow-sledding on cafeteria trays.Oh, and you all get a dog together.I don't really know who takes care of the dog during the summer, but he's there when you get back.Geez, maybe you should just go back to college.Oh, honey, do you know what I would give to go back?It's this moment when your whole life is in front of you,and it's a magical time.You don't want to miss that,Because when it's gone, it's gone.Yeah, yeah.Come on, Alex. Bus is leaving.Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.Sweet lorna doone!19 missed calls?I wonder who's --Phil Dunphy.You saw the ad?Great.Do you know what you're looking for?The little one?I think I know which one you're talking about.Um, if you're interested,I also have an older model with a lot of character.What?I think the carpet matches the drapes.I haven't checked in a while.Both of them?Wow.Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back?We'll set up an appointment.It'll give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right.Thanks a lot.Bye-bye.How about that, huh?You think all these calls are about the ad?Yeah.My friend Nicole just sent me a picture of the van.I guess I'll be seeing you wednesdaysand every other weekend.Hello?Okay, um, you sound very angry,which is completely understandable.I'm not angry.I'm just sitting here thinking about collegeand how life has passed me by.Oh, thank god. I'll see you at the show.Love you. Bye. We got to go.And as the music swells,we reveal our lettersspelling "We love the world."Powerful stuff.And then the majestic Franklin middle school insigniawill drop into positionif Reuben ever finishes painting it.It's not the sistine chapel, Reuben.Surprise! Hey!Your supportive boyfriend dropped by to bring you a snack. P.B. And J.Pear, brie, and jambon. My favorite!Okay, people, let's take five.A true five.Hey, Manny. How's it going?Good, great, couldn't be better.Can we, uh...Yes, we can, uh -- all right.What's up?Okay, you got to talk to Cam.He's driving us crazy.Kevin is biting his nails again,And Reuben hasn't had a bowel movement in a week.Don't laugh. That's how Elvis died.All right, um, Manny,I-I can't get involved.But, all right, if you have to say something,just tell Bob Fussy that he's overdoing itand you want to go back to your old stuff.Okay, break's over, people!I want to do the french revolution number again.Let's bring out the guillotine.Carefully this time.No, no, no.Excuse me?We don't want to do the new stuff.We want to stop rehearsingand go back to the old way, Bob Fussy.I-I don't know where this is coming from.You all feel this way?Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.Well, I had no idea.I had no idea I was surrounded by a bunch of quitters. This production was a jokeuntil I introduced these childrento the musical-theater greats --Bernstein, Sondheim.Years from now, some of these kidswill still be talking about the way I sondheim-ized them. Ooh, I'm don't think that's a good way of saying -- okay.You want to do it the old waywith the same tired songs, the same drab choreography, the same tepid applause from mom and dad?Is that what you want? Just say the word.That's what we want. Yes. Yes.Well, too bad, people!We're doing it my way! From the top!This is a closed rehearsal. March.Hi, honey. What are you doing out here?Oh, just waiting for you 'cause I love you.Haley, come out this side.Why?'Cause it's fun. Try it.Yeah, the doors slide, the seats slide.What can't the sienna do?That was fun.Right? Let's go see a show!Sweetie, we need to close the door.Yeah, with the key.I like to see how far I can get from the carand still make it work.Listen, honey, honey.- Yeah? - Let me ask you something.Okay, I need you to be really honest with me. Yeah, you ca-- yes.Are my best years behind me?What?No.The trick is to keep looking forward.Here we go.Really?Yes, yes, for sure.You feel good?Yeah, I...Hello, and welcome, everyone.And latecomers.I hope you enjoy the show tonight.I think you will agree it has a certain flairthat has been lacking from this stage in years past. So, please, I invite you to sit back, relax,and enjoy this musical trip around the world! Wow.Growing up in America sure is great,but I wish I knew more about the world.Me too.I think I've got an idea.See you later, friend.Where are you going?To see the world!China looks interesting.I think I'll land here.Bring him down!Bring him down!Just go with it. Go with it.Oh. Hey. Come on.Geez, come on,Jay. You're in the theater.Try your jacket pocket.Sorry, folks.Nice. He taped it shut.Okay, that's enough.Ay! Stupid! You too!Don't hit him. He has cancer. What --Oh, my god, is Luke stuck up there? Phil?Come on.Yeah.Ye-- oh, no.Come on!China sure was fun.and look, there's merry old England. Has anyone here ever seen a globe? Full steam ahead!Ahead!Just sing.Oh, joy to salt-swept eyesFair England, do I seeSorry about what I said to Gloria, okay? Just came out.Let's go back inside.- Hit me. - What?You heard me. Hit me.I'm not gonna hit you, Donnie.Yeah, well, that's the whole damn point.As soon as you heard I was sick,you treated me different.Let me tell you, I get enough of that at home. I'm sorry.I feel a little bad for you, okay?I know we don't say this much, but, uh...I care for you, you know?Do you think I don't know that crap?I have known you cared about mesince we were 8 and 10 years oldand that mook Joey Calieri stole my bike and you put his head in the ice.What was that he said again?Um, "I can't hear no more.""I can't hear no more!"oh, Don.Your stage is all over the place.The kids are exhausted.You're making all about you.No intermission.What, are we animals?I --I'm gonna be fine.I got great doctors.The kids call me every day.Irene even lost 20 pounds due to stress.Good for you.You promise me you'll get that liver checked out.Ah, there's nothing wrong--Come on, Donna. Suck it up.We're missing my kid's show.You son of a bitch.Come on. Come on."I can't hear no more!"Okay, all right.That one was my fault,But Joan of Arc's gonna be just fine.It's not gonna be much fun doing the show without Emma. Maybe we should just stop this.No. No. There is a saying in the theater world that --"It's not worth dying for"?No, it's that "Endings make shows."And we've got a great ending.Now get out there and sing your hearts out.Oh, not you, sweetie. You just mouth the words. Okay.Uncle Cam, both my legs are tingly.Okay, we'll cut you down in just a second, Luke, okay? The show must go on. Have fun with it.Learning about the world sure was fun.But I'm glad to have my feet back on the ground again. Oh, Egypt is a land where the pyramids standWhich were built by industrious jewsAnd windmills go around in Holland townWhere they all wear wooden shoesThese are the things we learned todayAnd there's one last thing we want to say"We love the word"Where's the "L"?That's luke.Lower the insignia.Lower it.Lower it."We love the --"What the hell?No, no, no. No, no.No, no, no.No. No, no, no. No.Brava!Phil, where have you been?Oh, just getting some fresh air.- Honey. - Got it.Ready to go? Hey, look up at the moon.Would you say that's waxing or waning?Who cares? We can spend all night looking --"I can't be satisfied"?!My God, Phil.That makes me look like a prostitute.No.Yes. Yes, it does.More of an escort, really.You're just selling your time.- Whereas a prostitute just-- - Okay, Phil.I have been driving around in this all day.Well, since you're mad already,why don't you just step over hereand have a look at that?Oh, God. My baby.I am not getting back in that car!Oh, how do you think you're gonna get home, honey? It doesn't matter! I'll go home with anyone!That's what it should say on the van.Alex.I can't believe we trusted youto put this on the carafter the debacle of that last picture.Damn it.And that -- who was that?Probably another...I think the word you're looking for is "John."Get in the minivan.You mean to tell me thatpeople have actually been calling about this?There are a lot of creeps out there.That's disgusting. She's a child.Well, to be fair, most of them were for you.Well, it's still sick.What do you mean, "Most"?Well, I don't know. There were 30 calls.You got 20 or 25 of them.And they...ask for me?They asked for the hot blonde.Hmm. Men are pigs.Did they call me anything else?So, thanks to all the perverts in town,I realized I still have a few good years ahead of me. And if we have one person to thank for that,It would be me.No.Was it as awful as I think?Take the flowers.It must have been really hard for you to be supportive while I made a fool out of myself.Oh, come here.Luke, do you mind?We're trying to have a moment here.I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes. - In his eyes? - Yes.Okay. We'll get a janitor.Okay.。
So, honey, Ibiza can only 亲爱的伊比莎餐厅今晚只有take us at 6:30 tonight. 六点半的时段有空位给我们Great. I will meet you at Ibiza. 好的我们在伊比萨见面It's pronounced "Ibeetha", not "Ibeeza". 正确发音是伊比"莎" 而不是伊比"萨" Oh, thanks, honey. 多谢提醒啊宝贝That reminds me - this weekend, 这让我想到这周末I want to see that baby panda at the "thoo". 我想去"董"物园看小熊猫Yeah... I'm the idiot. 对对对我是白痴This year for Valentine's Day, 今年的情人节we're gonna have a nice, 我们要去伊比莎餐厅quiet dinner at Ibiza. 共进美妙又安静的晚餐Last year, we, um... 去年我们...We overreached... a little. 我们玩过火了一点点We created sexy alter egos 我们创造了性感的第二人格Clive and Juliana 克莱夫和朱莉安娜met in the hotel bar. 他们是在酒店的吧台认识的This one lost her panties 她在酒店大厅里in the lobby in front of her dad... 在她老爸面前失去了她的小裤裤- Phil. - Which was still -菲尔 -还挺有意...it was hard. It was hard for her. 是很惨对她来说真的很难受You know I can't stand it when you use that word. 你明明知道我不喜欢你提那个字- "Panties"? - Yeah, that. Yes. That word. -"小裤裤"吗 -是的就是那词Sorry. She lost her underpanties. 对不起她弄丢了内裤裤- So? - So? -怎样啊 -怎么啦Well, huh? So? 如何啦怎么样啦- What's happening? - Flowers? -这是干嘛 -花呀Is someone pointing a gun at you? 是有歹徒在挟持你吗Oh, for goodness' sake. 拜托Did you get the flowers Lily and I sent you? 你有没有收到我跟莉莉送给你的花嘛Oh, that's so sweet. No. No, I didn't get anything. 真贴心可是我真的什么也没收到Really? Did you check with that assistant of yours? 是吗你跟你那个助理确认过了吗Broderick! 布拉德里克Uh, did you get any flowers today? 你今天有收到花吗No. Sadly, I'm without Valentine this year. 没有我过的是没有情人的情人节No, for Mitchell! The flowers are for Mitchell! 不是给你是给米奇尔花是给米奇尔的Oh, that's right. 原来如此Oops. 抱歉Mitchell's assistant has a huge crush on him. 米奇尔的助理迷他迷得无法自拔He does not. 他没有And I think the only prudent thing 我觉得最明智的选择to do is say, "You're fired. " 就是跟他说 "你被炒了"Don't be jealous. 别吃干醋了He just looks up to me. 他只是比较敬重我The thing about Mitchell is he can be naive. 米奇尔的问题就是有时候太天然呆He is completely unaware of how absolutely adorable he is. 他不知道自己多迷人多招蜂引蝶Oh. Okay, well, thank you. 好了好了谢谢夸奖But I am aware when someone has a crush on me, 但是要是有人迷上了我我看得出来的and he does not have a crush on me. 可他是真的没有迷上我Yes, he has a crash on me. 他绝对是迷上了我I was a little concerned when 我本来还真有点担心they said they could only take us at 6:30, but... 他们居然只有六点半才有位置I know. This house is on fire, right? 我理解可这里火的很啊是吧Now, this is how you do V-Day. 你看情人节就是应该这么过的Except most of these people 除了这里大多的人could have been here on V-E Day. 在欧战胜利纪念日[1945年]时就应该来这庆祝了could have been here on V-E Day. 情人节缩写是V-Day二次世界大战欧战胜利纪念日缩写是VE Day 只有一字之差But it's classy, which we deserve. 还是很有格调嘛跟我们很搭Yes, we do. 是啊绝配What were we thinking last year, 去年我们是发了什么疯acting like a couple of teenagers? 怎么会想扮演一对年轻小情侣啊I know. Oh! 我知道Hey, we've had our crazy Valentine's Days. 我们已经享受过我们的疯狂情人节了We tore it up! 我们玩疯到了极点But you got to know when to let that stuff go. 可是过了之后你不能念念不忘啊Yeah. 你说得对All those kids out there are 现在外面的小屁孩追求的刺激just looking for something that we've already got. 对我们而言不过是过往云烟Yeah. 是的- I love you. - I love you, too. -我爱你 -我也爱你Oh, my gosh! 我的天呐- Are you okay? - I'm good. We're good. -你没事吧 -没事我们都没事Are you all right? 您没事吧This is my first day in one of these things. 这是我第一天骑这玩意Oh, hey, let me, let me help you out. 让我来吧我来帮你吧How about I park it over there for you, okay? 我帮你把停在那边好吗Oh, thank you. 谢谢你了Here's your valet ticket. 这是你的停车票I'm kidding, actually. That's my valet ticket. 我开玩笑的这是我的停车票All right. 好了Let's see. 我瞧瞧Lefty loosey, righty tighty. Hey! 左开右刹All right. 动啦This is fun, Claire. You got to try this. 这很有趣克莱尔你也来玩玩Phil. 菲尔- He is the natural. - Thank you. -他有骑这车的天赋 -谢谢I know Phil and I are gonna grow old together someday...我知道我和菲尔会有年华老去的一天This thing needs mirrors. 这东西需要后视镜But today is not that day. 但绝不能是情人节这天Hello? 你好Hello, may I speak to Clive? 你好我找克莱夫I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number. Bye-bye. 抱歉你打错了再见I got disconnected. Would you mind redialing? 我断线了麻烦帮我重拨一下Hello? 你好Hello, Clive. This is Juliana. 你好克莱夫我是朱莉安娜Look lady, please stop calling me. 听着女士请别再打给我了- This is... - No. Phil. Phil. Phil. Don't hang up. -这... -别挂菲尔菲尔菲尔别挂- Claire? - No, no, no. Not Claire. -克莱尔 -不不不不是克莱尔Juliana. 是朱莉安娜And you're Clive Bixby, remember? 而你是克莱夫·比克斯比还记得吗We met at the hotel bar last year. 我们去年在酒店吧台认识的Now... make up some lie, ditch that wife of yours, 现在找个借口甩开你老婆and meet me at our hotel in 30 minutes. 三十分钟后到那个酒店找我You think you can you manage that? 你觉得你能搞定她吗Baby doll, I've been lying to my wife for 16 years. 小宝贝我都骗了她十六年了Okay. See ya. 很好待会见So... Champagne? 要喝点香槟吗Um, actually, Claire, something's come up. 其实克莱尔我有点事得去处理So... gotta go. 所以我得先走了You're not ditching me here on Valentine's Day. 不准你在情人节抛下我Screw that. Sit. 别管那事了坐下But... o- okay. 可是... 好吧We'll - we'll stay. 我们我们就待着吧- Phil. - Oh, that's part of it? -菲尔 -这也是一部分吗So hot! 真香艳火辣Claire. I'm leaving. Deal with it. 克莱尔我要走了自己保重So, no one walks anymore! 现在都没人走路了吗Should be just few more minutes. 要再等一会应该就好了When is our reservation? 我们预定是几点Here's the thing. 情况是这样的No, not "the thing. " I hate "the thing". 不别解释解释就是掩饰My secretary screwed up and 我的秘书搞砸了didn't get us one. Don't worry. 没有帮我们预订到别担心I'll slip the guy a few bucks. 我这就过去贿赂下那家伙What kind of idiot messes up two Valentine's in a row?哪个白痴会蠢到连续两年弄砸了情人节呢Not this idiot. 不是我这白痴Two months ago, I booked a private chef, 两个月前我预订了私人厨师musicians - the works... 还找了一乐团来演奏叫业务乐队for a romantic dinner at home. 为了在家里置办场浪漫的晚餐I just had to get the senorita out 我的任务就是把"大小姐"带出去of the house while they set up. 好让他们在家里做准备This is 50 bucks. Do not give us a table. 这是五十块千万别给我们位子What's the money for? 那你给我钱干嘛You also must refuse my wife. She's very persuasive. 你还得婉拒我巧舌善辩的老婆的要求Just a couple more minutes. 再等会就行了So we don't get the table at the fancy restaurant, 我们不会在高级餐厅弄到位子which drives Gloria crazy. 歌洛莉亚就会很抓狂"Jay, why you not be no more romantic to me?". "杰你为什么不能对我浪漫一点呢"We walk in the door, and bam! 到时我们走进家门天降惊喜She looks like a big idiot. 她就呆若木鸡了And isn't that what Valentine's Day is all about? 这不就是情人节的意义吗Jay, come here. We're in. 杰过来我们有座了Your secretary didn't forget. Look. 你秘书没有忘记看Pritchett for two. 普里契特两位Just a reminder. I need the television at 8:00. 提醒一下我八点要看电视的Jeremy and I have a phone date 杰里米要和我电话约会to watch "Love Actually". 要一起看《真爱至上》的That's the lamest plan ever, and I'm jealous. 这真是最逊的约会计划了但我真妒忌So, my boyfriend, David, 我的男友戴维blows me off on 在全年最浪漫的晚上the most romantic night of the year - to study! 竟然放我鸽子去读书了This is the worst Valentine's Day. 这真是最糟糕的情人节了Best Valentine's Day ever! 最棒的情人节啊David stands up Haley, 戴维放了海莉的鸽子and old boyfriend Dylan is out of the picture. 前男友迪兰也没戏了I'm not saying I miss Dylan, 我不是说我想念迪兰but at least he was romantic. 但至少他很浪漫David never sent me a jar of his own tears. 戴维绝不会送我一瓶他流的"痴情泪"I'm playing the long game here. 我是在放长线钓大鱼Like me today, love me tomorrow. 现在先喜欢我以后再慢慢爱上我吧She's had the romantic. She's had the intellectual. 她曾有过浪漫的男友也有过聪明的男友How about all of that in one fine, 那一个又浪漫又聪明的little brown package? 棕色小男友会有多棒呢- I've hit a new low. - You can talk to me. -我的人生到达了新低点 -你可以跟我倾诉And I'm lower. 这下我更低落了Just picking up some things. 我只是回来拿东西I am not here. 忽略我的存在吧Name tags, name tags, name tags. 胸牌胸牌胸牌Come on! Bingo! 快点找到啦I know what to do. 我知道怎么办了Dylan's been texting me again. 迪兰又给我来短信了Bet if David knew that, 我敢肯定如果戴维知道了he'd come running right over here. 肯定会马不停蹄赶过来Wait. Before you start playing these games, 等等在你开始玩弄这些男人之前let me ask you one simple question... 让我问你一个简单的问题Who is Haley Dunphy? 海莉·邓菲的本色为何- Don't do it, Haley! - Stop following me. -海莉千万别这样做 -不要跟着我Let me just say my piece. 让我说说我的看法No. 不要Look, you can be the Haley 听着你可以把自己who defines herself as David's girlfriend, 定位是戴维女朋友or Dylan's girlfriend, 或是迪兰女朋友or you can be your own Haley. 或者完完全全做自己Maybe you haven't met her, 虽然你还不认识本色的海莉but I know her. 可我认识她She's an amazing person. 她是个很给力的人So when you're ready, I'd like to introduce you. 如果你准备好了我想把你介绍给她Cameron! Is there something I can do you for? 卡梅隆有什么能为你效劳的吗No. I just came by to pick up my man. 没什么我只是来接我男人的I'm taking him to Ibiza tonight. 我今晚要跟他去伊比莎餐厅吃饭Ooh, I've heard good things about Ibiza. 哦听说伊比莎餐厅很不错呢But I'm afraid he may have to meet you there. 但是你恐怕得和他在那里碰面了He's in the middle of a meeting. 他现在正在开会On Valentine's night? 在情人节晚上开会吗I didn't realize when I scheduled it. It's my fault. 我排他行程表的时候没注意我的错Gasp. I'm shocked. 天啊我太"意外"了I could drop him off at 等他开完会了the restaurant as soon as they wrap it up. 我可以就送他去餐厅啊Oh, aren't you a dear? 你人"好"的像头小鹿似的I'd like to mount your head in my trophy room. 真想就这么把你头拽下来挂墙上Cam! 小卡Wait. 等等Have I upset you in any way? 我是不是哪方面做错惹你生气了Oh, please. Let's not play this game. 拜托别装了We both know what's going on. 你我早已心知肚明Have I been that obvious? 我有表现的这么明显吗Uh, the flowers that don't get delivered, 花都没送到the Valentine's Day plans that get interrupted... 情人节的计划也被打乱了Do I really need to spell it out for you? 还需要说的更明白吗Me, Mitchell - wedge. 我米奇尔你个小三Don't hate me. It's just... 别讨厌我我只是...so hard to see someone 见到别人能够拥有else have something you want and can't have. 你想要又得不到的东西心里堵得慌Does Broderick have a crush? Yes. 布拉德里克是否对某人有意思没错On someone he frequently sees at the office? 是不是对经常出现在办公室的某人有意思Yes. 没错Does that man have red hair and a beard? 那个人有红色头发和胡子吗No, but his boyfriend does. 没有但是他的男朋友有It's me. The - the crush is on me. 就是我他是对我有意思This is you. 你到了Oh, did I validate you? 你明白我的意思吧Oh, yes. 当然- Appletini? - It was. -苹果马提尼吗 -本来是的You're looking handsome as ever, Clive. 你和以前一样英气勃勃克莱夫As are you, Juliana. 你也一如往常的明媚动人朱莉安娜You look hot enough to cook a pizza on... 你性感火辣地都可以烤披萨了in. 乳火焚身I see the speaker business is treating you well. 看来你的扬声器生意赚了不少I don't like to talk about money... 我不喜欢谈钱but I have exactly $10 million... 但请完你这杯马丁尼之后minus the cost of your next drink. 我正好还有一千万家产Two. Just two appletinis, please. 两杯只要两杯苹果马提尼Thank you so much. 非常感谢Yeah... 这个Why do I get the feeling you're not really a salesman? 我为什么觉得你不像是真的商人Ohh... pretty and smart. 挺秀外慧中的嘛Ohh... pretty and smart. pretty有"非常"和"漂亮"之意or should I say "pretty smart"? 还是该说你是机智过人呀I might do some high-risk work for 我也有在为美国政府做Uncle Sam that takes me clear around the country. 一些危险工作所以经常得在国内跑来跑去Mm, so you could say you're a... 你意思是说你是一个national man of mystery. 神秘的国家干员吗- Never did catch what you do. - Didn't you? -老是没搞清你是做哪行的 -还没搞清吗Surprising, I know. I'm usually 是还挺奇怪的我通常pretty good at catching things from women in bars. 还挺擅长在酒吧里观察出女人的小细节的Well... Clive, I am just a bored housewife 克莱夫我只是个寂寞主妇with a dark side and an hour to kill 暗自偷欢仅有一小时消遣作乐Is that what I think it is? 这是我想的那个玩意吗It's not a gift card. Or maybe it is. 这不是张礼物卡不过也可以是张"礼物"卡I'll be upstairs, Clive. Don't take too long. 我去楼上等你了克莱夫别让我等太久I never do. 我从不会让人等- Jay, relax. - I'm sorry. The place is a dump. -杰放松点 -抱歉这地方太垃圾了- It's beautiful. - Nothing good on the menu. -这地方美极了 -菜单上没好菜You see the hands on our waiter? 看见那个服务生的手了吗Looks like he's been birthing hogs. 感觉他给猪接生过一样Let's just get out of here. 我们赶紧打道回府吧I don't know what's wrong with you tonight, 我不知道你今晚是哪根筋不对but I'm hungry, I look fantastic, 我打扮的漂漂亮亮的而且我饿了we're staying. 所以我们留下Five-course dinner waiting at home, 精心准备的五道菜晚餐在家里等着and she's strapping on the feed bag at Ibiza. 而她却死活要在这吃垃圾But then an angel from heaven saved the night. 但是天堂来的天使拯救了这个夜晚You took our reservation! 你把我们预约的桌子占了"Pritchett for two" is us. 两位姓普里契特的是我们Come on, let's go! Move your bottom. Come on. Come on. 快点快走赶紧起来快走A big gay angel. 胖嘟嘟的同性恋天使- Hello. - Hello, Clive. -喂 -喂克莱夫How close are you? 你还要多久I am right outside your door. •我在你门口外等着呢- Are you ready? - Oh, I'm ready. -准备好了吗 -准备好了I don't think you are, because I can still hear your pants. 我可不这么认为我还能听见你裤子的摩擦声呢Well, maybe I should just shut them up. 好吧也许我应该把裤子给脱掉[闭嘴]I'll be out in a minute. 我马上就出来So... will... I. 我也是Juliana? 朱莉安娜Clive, where are you? 克莱夫你在哪You have to come find me. 你得自己来找Hello? 哈罗Clive, I give up. Where are you? 克莱夫我放弃你在哪I'm right here on the bed. 我就在床上Phil, what room are you in? 菲尔你在几号房- Who's this "Phil"? - Seriously, what room are you in? -菲尔是谁 -我说真的你在几号房- I'm in... 702. - I'm in 226. -七零二号房 -我在二二六号房What?! 啥Well, w-whose room is this, then? 那这个是谁的房间啊There's been a tiny mistake. 出了点小小的差错By the way, I need to apologize to you. 还有我想向你道歉I'm sorry I got so silly with all that Broderick stuff earlier.很抱歉前段时间为布拉德里克的事情闹脾气Oh, please, do not worry about it. 没事的这没什么大不了Cam, I like it when you get a little jealous. 小卡你吃醋的样子我最喜欢了Cut it out. 讨厌As long as we can agree 只要我们能达成共识he does not have a crush on me. 知道他对我没意思就行啦Absolutely. 当然- So, to us. - To us. -那么为了我们的爱干杯 -干杯He does not have a crush on you. 他对你没有意思- No. - Nope. -没有 -一点都没有Why do I feel like you're hinting at something? 我怎么觉得你在暗示什么Mitchell, 米奇尔we have talked long enough about Broderick's crush, 关于布拉德里克的小暗恋我们已经谈了很多次了which he does not have... 显然他根本没那个意思on you. 起码对你没意思- Oh, my God, what? - Okay, fine. -天哪你想说啥 -好吧Since you won't let it go... 既然你要打破砂锅问到底your assistant is hot for me. 你的助理对我有意思That's why he's been playing the saboteur. 所以他才从中作梗And you're sure it's not because he wants me? 你敢肯定不是因为他对我有意思吗You just said he didn't. 你才说了他对你没意思Well, I was protecting your feelings. 我只是在顾及你的感受He hugged me in the elevator. 他在电梯里面拥抱我了He hugged me in the elevator. 佛蒙特州允许同性恋婚姻Well, pick out china 那好那咱家产分了and move to Vermont. 你速度搬去佛蒙特周去结婚吧He said it kills him to see someone else have something he wants.他说看到别人拥有他所爱之人让他生不如死Yes. Yes. You're the someone and I'm the something. 没错你就是那个别人我就是他所爱之人Okay. All right. 好吧不争了- Call him. - Call him? -给他打电话吧 -打电话Call him. 打去问他啊Why don't we just go over to 要不要干脆直接去他家his house and stand on opposite sides of the room 咱俩各站一边and see which one of us he runs to? 看看他奔向谁的怀抱You get the check. I'll get the car. 你去结帐我去提车We are not going over there. 我们才不去他家呢And we're not calling him. 也不会给他打电话Cam, who cares which one of us he has a crush on? 小卡谁在乎他迷上了谁The important thing is, I have a crush on you. 重要的是我迷上了你And I wouldn't blame Broderick if he did, too. 就算我的秘书也迷上了你我不怪他That's so sweet. 你嘴真甜I- I wouldn't blame him if he had a crush on you, either. 要是他迷上了你我也不会怪他的Good. 好吧- "Good" What? - Just, good. -什么东西 "好吧" -就单纯的"好吧""Good" meaning we're done with this, or "好吧"意思是到此为止呢"Good" meaning you still think he has a crush on you? 还是"好吧"你还是觉得他迷上的是你啊Oh, Cam! 得了吧小卡- The second one. - I'm getting the car. -后者 -我这就去提车Would you please just come in the house?! 你就跟我进屋去吧You had a whole year to plan, but you don't make an effort. 你有一整年的时间去准备但你根本没用过心I am the second wife, Jay. 杰我是你的新任娇妻Why do you treat me like I'm the first? 为啥你对我跟对黄脸婆原配似的Look about it inside. Where are you going? 咱们进屋再说你去哪I'm gonna take a ride. I need to cool down. 我要去兜兜风我需要冷静一下Just come in the house. I promise you'll feel better. 你就跟我进屋吧我保证你会感觉好一点I don't want to go in there. 我不想进屋You're gonna like it better inside. 进屋去你肯定会感觉好多的Don't hold me back. 别拦着我I'm sorry about this, honey. I'm sorry. 不好意思亲爱的我得动粗了Jay, what are you doing? Are you crazy?! 杰你干什么你疯啦Jay, what are you doing? Are you crazy?! [西班牙语]What are you doing? Have you lost your mind? 你在干什么啊你疯了吗No, but you're about to. 没有不过你马上会疯狂的Happy Valentine's Day! 情人节快乐What the hell? 怎么了这是Gloria! 歌洛莉亚Honey. 宝贝儿I'm going for a drive. 我要去兜风了I had a whole private dinner planned. 我本来准备了一个秘密晚餐I don't know what happened. 结果不知道为什么变这样了But I do. I know exactly what happened! 我知道我明白怎么回事No, you don't. 不你不知道- What the hell? - I win! -什么 -我赢了I see you sneaking around, trying to trick me, 我早发现你偷偷摸摸打算耍我一下so when I figure it out, 所以当我搞清楚之后I move the party over here, and I trick you. I win! 就把晚餐移到这边来了然后耍了你我赢啦What do you mean, you win? 什么叫你赢了I know you think I think you're not romantic, 我知道你觉得我认为你不够浪漫but I think you think I'm not smarter than you. 但我觉得你认为我没你聪明So now we know. 现在真相大白了You are romantic, and I'm smarter than you. 你够浪漫我也比你聪明And I bought you a motorcycle. 而且我还给你买了辆摩托Oh, my God. It's fantastic. 天哪这车真棒I win again! 我又赢了Honey, I love all this, but you can't win Valentine's Day. 宝贝儿我喜欢这一切不过情人节不是让你赢的I mean, you defeat the whole idea 我是说如果你把情人节搞成一个if you make it into some silly competition. 愚蠢的竞赛那这节日的意义就没了Shut up. I win. 闭嘴吧我赢了- Let's go. - So we're really doing this? -出发吧 -我们真要去吗- Oh, we're doing this. - Well, it's gonna be me. -必须的 -他肯定是迷上我的- I'm already embarrassed for you. - All right. -我已经在为你等会的囧样难过了 -好吧走- Oh, wait. - What? -等一下 -怎么了- Oh, it's a text from Broderick. - Read it. -布拉德利克来短信了 -读出来"Mitchell, by now I'm sure Cameron "米奇尔我相信你爱人已经告诉你has told you what happened in the elevator. 在电梯里发生的一切了While I meant every word I said, 我所说的一切都是肺腑之言I realize how unprofessional I was. 我明白这样做十分失职Please accept my resignation. 请接受我的辞职What you have with Cam is very special, 你和你爱人的感情来之不易and I would never forgive myself if I came between you. 如果我成了第三者我永远不会原谅自己Treasure each other. Sincerely, Broderick". 从心底祝福你们珍重对方布拉德利克"- Oh, Cam, what are we doing here? - I don't know. -天哪我们在干什么呢 -我也不知道Maybe if some assistant's crush 如果一个小秘书对谁着迷is so important to us, 值得我们如此大动干戈的话it means we should appreciate each other a little bit more. 我们真应该更加珍惜对方Well, I can't think of a better time to start. Come here. 是啊这正是个重新开始的好时机来吧And the great thing about that text 而短信最棒的地方就在于is we don't have to know which one of us he wanted. 我们无需知道他到底迷上了谁I know. 我知道I know. 我知道What are you doing? 你在这干什么呢Valentine's Day isn't over yet, Juliana. 情人节还没结束呢朱莉安娜Sweetie, let's not push it. 亲爱的别强求了You almost got arrested tonight. 你今晚可是差点进警局了That's how it's gonna be? 那今晚就这么不了了之吗- You're just giving up on us? - I am not giving up on us. -你就这么放弃我们的感情吗 -我不是放弃I am giving up on Clive and Juliana. 我只是放弃了克莱夫和朱莉安娜Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 等一下等等等等I know a couple of people who could possibly save this night.我知道有不少男女都有本事挽回这局面Maybe you've heard of them... 或许你知道他俩"Two American kids, doing the best that they can..." 两个美国青年尽他们所能Phil and Claire Dunphy. 菲尔和克莱尔I am not going back to that hotel tonight, 我今晚绝对不会再回那个旅馆了and I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to. 而且我肯定你被禁止进入了Don't need to. Phil and Claire have a bedroom, 不需要菲尔和克莱尔有间卧室which they can turn into a hotel whenever they want. 他们随时可以把那间卧室当成旅馆But the kids... 但是孩子们They're not expecting us home this early. 他们不会料到我们这么早回家So, you up for a little adventure... 如何你准备好去冒险了吗Claire? 克莱尔Do you think you can handle it... 你觉得你能搞定吗Phil? 菲尔"I can't be the girl you want me to be, David. "戴维我无法成为你理想中的女孩"I can only be me. Goodbye. Haley." 我只能做我自己再见了海莉"Send it. 发送- I don't know. - Here, I'll help you. -我犹豫不决 -来吧我帮你发送No, no, no, no, no! 别别别Wow. 哇That feels really good. 感觉真棒Because you're free. 因为你自由了And really scary. I haven't been single since I was 9. 可我很害怕我从九岁开始就从未单身过That's why you need to take your time now... 所以你应该开始慢慢来Really get to know yourself before you make any decisions...在你做任何决定之前必须先了解自己Five, six years maybe. 大概花五六年吧Years?! I have to call David. 要数以年计吗我得给戴维打电话The boy who tossed you aside on Valentine's Day? 打电话给一个情人节把你置之不理的人吗No. 不需要You deserve better, Haley, 你配得上更好的人海莉a dreamer, a poet. 一个梦想家一个诗人Wait for him. 等着他出现吧He may be closer than you think. 他说不定就近在眼前Do you hear music? 你听见音乐声了吗Yes, and the fact that you hear it, too... 当然你之所以也能听见是因为Is that Dylan?! 是迪兰吗Oh my God! 天哪*Imagine me naked. 想象我赤身裸体*Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that? 我真是个坏到连这个都能无视的家长吗You are. You're really bad. 没错你可坏了*Without my best friend. 为你舍弃朋友也愿意*You know, the old Haley would have... 你看如果你是之前那个海莉早就- I love you, baby! - Haley! -我爱你宝贝 -海莉Salud, Jay! 干杯杰- There's my back. - Phil. -我的背挂彩了 -菲尔- Oh, no, keep the change. - Oh, thanks. -不用找零了 -谢谢Did you put an extra tiramisu in here? 你是不是又在里面多放了一块提拉米酥啊- Maybe. - Ryan, again? -算是吧 -雷恩老照顾我们不太好吧I just like coming here. 我只是很喜欢来你们这嘛I tell you, if you were single... 我跟你说如果你是单身的话- Ryan! - Ryan! -雷恩 -雷恩。
So the rate of diffusion equals somethingtimes the square root of...something...I give up.Aw, so close.Shut up.Hey, don't worry. You'll get it.You know, a lot of famous scientists are women.They're fat, though, right?Come on, Alex. It's time for your cello lesson.How's the tutoring going?Are you familiar with the term"throwing good money after bad"?Are you familiar with the term"Dunphy, party of one"?- Because you will be. - Girls.Haley's coming along really well, Mrs. Dunphy.Good. Good.Well, the key is to take a lot of little breaksso you don't get frustrated and want to quit.Got it.I was talking to David.Come on, sweetie.I'm just saying -- she's never gonna get a job,and how do we know the right middle-eastern businessman wouldn't treat her great?I left my shopping list inside.For the record, we thought she could live with you. Like I'm gonna tell any of you where I live.Haley!What?We only do this when I get one right.Momma should be here by now.I wonder what's keeping her.Well, Cam, that depends. Did she take her jalopyor one of them new fancy flyin' machines?You know, Missouri is more cosmopolitanthan you give it credit for, Mitchell.It's got a very vibrant cowboy-poetry scene.I'm not sure you're making the point that you think -- That's her. Come on. Look alive. Look alive. Momma!Oh, my baby!Oh, my little bomber. Puppy kiss.Mitchell, get over here!Aah, hey, Barb!Oh, my baby's baby! How are you?Well, I don't want to overstate this,but my mom is the greatest woman that ever lived. Cam loves his mom.She raised 4 kids, 2 barns,and a whole lot of hell.Well, that sounds like a country song.And that song would be called"The Greatest Woman that ever Lived".Cam loves his mom.From the minute I met Barb,she has been open and loving and -- and caring.Oh, I have missed these shoulders!If I had one complaint --and I do --it's the...inappropriate putting of her hands on my body.Hey, Barb. I got you the cranberries you wanted for the stuffing. Oh, bless your heart.Let me get in there and help ya.And a horsey bite.This is how I like to cuddle.It's been -- it's been going on a long time.Jay, you want to go to the mall with me?No, actually, my stomach's a little funny today.Oh, I am so sorry, papi.Maybe we'll stop first at the crib store,and you lay down, and I buy you a little dress, huh?Gloria thinks Americans are babies.Well, in Colombia, we couldn't go running to the hospitalfor every little sniffle or dislocated shoulder.Okay. Good.5-6. I serve. Huh?Jay, what are your symptoms?Nausea, bloating?Manny, what did I say about getting offthat crazy doctor website?I'm just worried about Jay.Stomach pains can mean a lot of things -- intestinal blockage...Do you have a fever?Stop it! Manny, he's fine.- Tell him you're fine. - I'm fine.Okay, good. Get in the car.Uh, home fine, not mall fine.Jay, you know what happens when I shop angry. I'll clear a space.I'm not loving your color.Go play.Don't be a hero.So, dumb guys go for dumb girls,and smart guys go for dumb girls?What do the smart girls get?Cats mostly.So, Haley, how long have I been paying this guy to make out with you?Uh, about a week.First it was just to shut him up,but now I'm starting to like him.If you really like him, though,you have to break up with Dylan.What? No!Believe me --and it's best for everybody if you just do it quickly.I can't believe we're having this conversation.He's like part of the family.Trust me -- it's the right thing to do.Just end it.Okay, but be gentle.Boys are surprisingly sensitive at that age.Water-polo-girl story.Yes, I'm gonna tell the water-polo-girl story,'cause it hurt!Okay, so I'm working in the principal's office. She walks in,hair all silver from the chlorine...tells me she wants her varsity jacket back.I tear up a little,then I tear up a lot.I'm begging, I'm begging --at some point I realizeI'm sitting on the buttonto the high-school intercom system.Yuk it up, ladies.Wasn't funny then, is not funny now.It was traumatic, Haley.Don't do Dylan like Linda "the cannon" Concannon did me. Oh, honey...that was a long time ago.I loved her.Okay. I know.You know what?Maybe I'll call Dylan after he talks to Haley.He's gonna need someone to lean on.But that someone should not be his ex-girlfriend's father. Honey, when Dylan is out of her life,he should be out of ours.You've always hated Dylan.I have not always hated Dylan.I have always thought that Haley could do better.Plus, the new boyfriend is so smart.It's done. We broke up.What?!I texted Dylan. It's over.I'll bet that's him.Sad-face emoticon!You can feel the hurt through the phone!Cam's mom's been half of the dinner with her handsall over me.It was like she was blindand wanted to know what my thighs looked like.Are you sure?I mean, are you really the best judge of this kind of a thing? You've had boundary issues since you were a kid.I have not!Okay. Sorry. My mistake.Must be Cam's mom...her issues.What are you doing?- Nothing -- just getting a spoon. - Stop it.- Is it bothering you? - Yes, it is.- Hey, Mitchell - Claire, stop it! Stop it!- Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell -- - Force field! That never stops being fun.Good.Listen, this is -- this is not in my head, Claire.And it's actually getting worse.What does Cam say?Well, he never seems to notice.And I certainly can't talk to him about itbecause God forbid I say anything negative about his mom. One time I added salt to her casserole......and he went into the garage and punched the car. Okay, Mitchell, if this is happening --and I'm pretty sure it isn't --Thank you. Supportive.then you need Cam to see his mom feeling you upand then make Cam deal with it.Think about it.Hi, Dylan.Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.Or, I guess, now that Haley and I broke up,I should call you "Claire".Actually, I think we're gonna stick with "Mrs. Dunphy". Come on in. How are you doing?Not so good.I mean, everywhere I look, I see her face.To be fair, Dylan, that is a family portrait.I got to go get some of my stuff. Is that cool?Oh, sure. Yeah.There she is again!Oh, don't look on the bookshelf!You're just gonna...Hey, kid, you got a minute?I need the name of that medical website.Can this wait until I'm home?I'm having the round of my life.I've been thinking, I might have a couple of those, uh, those symptoms you were talking about.I see.You might as well play through.It's gonna be a while.I mean, I'm probably wrong,but, you know, I just, uh, want to make sure.- Is that Manny? - Work.So, uh, tell them I'll --I'll get that order out this afternoon, huh?Did she buy that?Because it sounded fake on this end.I'll talk to you later, Tom.Tom.Dylan!Oh, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.Hey, Mr. Dunphy.Hey, now that you guys are broken up,you can call me whatever you want.Phil, Vitamin P., P. Daddy.Okay, Phil.Okay.I'm gonna miss that bad boy.When I forget my own axe,sometimes I come in here and noodle on it. Actually, I've been writing a little song of my own. Might be able to pluck out a few...You know, I keep on hoping that this is just a dream, that Haley and I didn't really break up.But it's not a dream...unless the whole thing was a dreamand we never even dated in the first place.Weird -- this is kind of what my song's about. Yeah. Weird.I know this is tough, but you're gonna be fine.You know, I was a lot like you in high school... except my hair was shorterand my guitar was a flute.Well, if you want your own guitar,I mean, we could --We could go out and we'd pick you one.Oh, I don't -- I don't know if that's such a good idea. Yeah. Totally.WellI guess I'll get going.So...I can...well, be alone forever.Uh, what -- what the hell?Let's go guitar shopping.Awesome.Uh, do me a favor. Don't -- don't tell Mrs. Dunphy? Yeah. Definitely. You got it.Okay. All right.Well, I guess I'll see ya.Okay. You --you, uh, you can go ahead and exitthrough the...front door.Oh, right. Habit.My old yearbook!You know I saved them all.- Oh, look. - What?"You're the cutest boy in school.You're gonna have an awesome summer. Smooches -- Brenda."Oh, Brenda, you are about to havethe most confusing summer of your life. Hey, guys!Oh, there's Mitchell!My little corn silk!Oh, Barb, oh, you are such a good hugger.Isn't she the best hugger?Oh, thank you.Oh, and look what I -- I got you, Barb.What's that?Scratchers!- Mmm... - Thank you.Nice.Oh, that's your tea. I'm gonna get your tea. Thanks, honey.Well, I need a quarter.Oh. Let me have that.Oh, wow, yeah, feel free to fish around in there. Cam? Cam.I'd like a cup, too, please.Just a second.Ohh, Barb, ohh. You know what?I-I-I strained myself so bad today.Well, what's hurtin' on ya?It's this area between my, uh, lower backand upper thigh.Sounds like your fanny.It's my fanny.It's really knotted up.Well, you need someone to work on that.Ohh, I would love that. Just -- it's really seized up. Just put your fingers all over my...my fanny.Your magic fingers...Barb.Momma? Your tea.- Mitchell? - Thanks, sweetie.See you in the room for a minute?Thank you. It's very hot.- Don't burn your tongue. - All right, honey. Okay, I am not gonna cry,but I want to know why, Mitchell,Why you are presenting to my mother like a baboon.I wanted you to see her fondling me.So, you do want me to cry.No, no, Cam, it's just that...she's always touching me inappropriately,and you never seem to notice.Show me, Mitchell.Show me on Lily's doll where my mother is touching you.I know that you don't want to hear this, but she's handsy, and it makes me uncomfortable.Oh, my god. I know what this is.You're just not used to having a mother that shows affection. Oh, do not make this about my mother.I didn't.But it is normal for a mother to be physical.And it is not strangefor an occasional hug or a little pat on tanny.Okay, these aren't pats, Cam -- no.She squeezes and lingers!Show me where she squeezes and lingers.Cam, put the doll down.I don't know if this is just sexual or -- or crazy town,but your mother cannot keep her hands off of me,and it's creeping me outNo.Barb...Let me show youwhere you stabbed my momma.Thanks for helping me pick out my axe.You were so right, by the way.The one with two necks would have been overkill.If you want, you can have some of that.Diet starts tomorrow!Don't tell Mrs. Dunphy about this, either.I, uh, I always wanted to go to this place with Haley, but she said it looked stupid.She's a girl with strong opinions --like her mother.Claire hates this new sweatshirt I bought.She says it looks like somethinga girl would wear to the beach.Yeah, it does.But I wear it anyway.See?I figure, why be alive if you can't do the thingsyou're passionate about?What are you passionate about, Dylan?What are you passionate about, Dylan?Uh, I always wanted to drive to Graceland.Fun! What else?I know a guy who can get me a pet bobcat.Yeah! No, you don't really know what they're gonna do. The point is, you got your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy being single.I really got to play that song for you.This is all in there.Yeah.Awesome. Be right back.Hey, hey, come here.Is that guy over there with someone?Could you tell if there was anything going on between them?I don'know.They were talking about taking a trip to Graceland together. He just wants to go'cause he thinks it's an amusement park!I got to tell you,I got to tell you,this is looking more and more like diverticulitis.Do they say how to treat it?Like a heating pad or -- ohh -- there it is again.Well, describe the pain.It's like I'm being stabbed,but also like I ate a bad scallopthat's stabbing me from the inside.That's colorful, but there's no box for that.What are you guys looking at?What are you guys looking at?- Girls! - Huffington post...girls.Manny, let me see that screen.What did I tell you?It's not his fault. I asked him to look.I'm starting to think I have a serious problem here.Yes, you do! That computer!You read it there, you think it here,you feel it here.You want to feel better?There -- you're cured.Give me 15 minutes,then tell Florence Nightingale I went to the hospital. then tell Florence Nightingale I went to the hospital. I'm gonna kill her! I'm gonna kill him!I'm gonna kill both of them!What happened?Dylan has a new girlfriend!When did that happen?Who cares?I'm just surprised he didn't say anything...to you.He's not answering my texts.How could he do this to me?!Oh, honey, you were the one who broke up with him.I didn't think he was gonna find someone so fast! Maybe he's better than I thought.No, he's not. What? No, he's not better!No, you know who's better?David -- David the tutor.Smart, smart David?Maybe that's him right now!Do you want the house to yourself?For just a little while.I got your texts.You swore a lot.Who is she?Who is who?Your new girlfriend.I need her name and address, so I can mess her up.I don't have a new girlfriend.Don't play dumb, Dylan.I'm not. I'm never playing dumb!I saw you at that stupid restaurant,sharing a sundae with her ugly sweatshirt on the chair. Oh, is that the skank?No...no, there's -- there's no skank.Well, then why aren't yo answering it?'Cause I want to talk to you.Well, I want to talk to her.I'm gonna call her backand tell her to keep her hands offof what belongs to me.- Haley... - Hello.- Dad? - Haley?Oh...my...god -- the sweatshirt?That was you with Dylan?!Wait, you're the other girl?No, we're just friends!Phil, what are you --Okay, put the phone down.what is going on?He needed someone to talk to.He took the break-up pretty hard.- But -- - You did?I mean, I kept on hoping that we'd get back together. Thinking of you with someone else just drove me crazy. Me too, baby.But then your da helped me figure outmaybe it's best if we're apart.Nice.I mean, I think I just needa little time to date...Dylan.And I mean me, not another guy named Dylan.So, we're still broken up?Yeah, I think so.Wow. Okay...um...I don't know -- I'll see you.Bye.Are you okay, baby?Do you need another pillow?I know you think this is nothing,but he did say it could be an ulcer.He also said it could be gas.Do you want me to burp you? Come here. Come here. Dollars to doughnuts, it's diverticulitis.Actually, it's not.You have acute pendicitis.We need to get you into surgery right away. Emergency surgery. I told you it was something. That can't be right. You have to check again!The tests are conclusive.Everything will be all right, Mr. Pritchett.Let's go.No, jay, if that's true,yhen I'm the worst wife in the whole wide world!I made you suffer for two whole days!Honey, it's okay.No, it's not okay!Why?! Why do I always almost kill my husbands?! And I want to hear this story sometime,but I'm sort of counting down to a rupture here! No!! You can't go without forgiving me!What if you die in there?What do I do without you?!I forgive you,but nobody dies of an appendectomy!True, it's usually the anesthesia that gets you.You're over 60, right?I will never forget you, Jay!!Could you go back to not caring, please?! Mitchell, it's Barb.Ohh, Barb. I'm so sorry.Well, no, no, honey, you hush.Look, I...I've been thinking about what I heard, and... maybe I do touch you too much.And I could say it's 'cause we're a family,but, you know, I don't know.I guess I have been having some fun with you,and I...I thought that it was harmless,but I would never want to make you uncomfortable. Barb, it's my fault, too.So we're okay?Yes, yes, of course.Thank god.'Cause I couldn't live with myselfif things stayed weird between us.- Uh, Cam? Cam? - What is it?Well, we got it all worked out, sweetie!Oh, great. Let me get my camera!Okay, that's not necessary -- no!From now on, if I go too far,- please, you just tell me about it. - Okay.What is that? Oh -- ohh!Almost lost my bracelet.- That would be an area that's okay. - No!- Oh, dang it! - I'll get it. I'll get it.Oh, no, I saw where it fell.Force field! Force field!What's going on?- I lost my bracelet in here. - Momma!Listen, I think this might be one of those situations where Mitchell feels like you're crossing a boundary. Really?Like, this too?Well...I...I got to have a good long thinkabout how I conduct myself.I'm truly sorry, Mitchell.It's okay! It's okay.Well, let's take one quick picture,- and we'll get out of his way. - Yeah. Absolutely. - Scooch together there. - This all right?Okay.I miss him.He was your first real boyfriend.I keep expecting him to show up.He used to come by at night,and I'd sneak out to see him.- Yeah, I know. - You knew?His car is 30 years old and doesn't have a muffler. And he honked.I loved that car.I rode in it to the guitar store.I felt like I was flying.I know it hurts now, sweetheart, but...that's how you know it was a relationship worth having. Thanks, dad.So Dylan, you love the Graceland?Yeah, that's true.Probably would be cooler if they had roller coasters. Still, it's fun to see where the king lived, huh?No. No, no, no.That's just an expression. America doesn't have a king. Yeah. Oh, sure. Uh-huh. When?Well, that's not always the case.So, Dylan, did you get a chanceto listen to that song I sent you?No? You got seven minutes?。
Yeah, honey, Mitchell helped mepick up the shirt. You're gonna love it.Oh, I wish I could pick you up some lip glossbut we are already at the car.Okay, bye, honey.Getting pretty good, huh?Yeah, but you were always good.I'm just glad you stuck with it.Seriously?What?It's playing itself.I didn't know.You honestly thought that I just became a piano virtuoso, dad? You knew my whole life.Have you ever seen me take a lesson?I thought maybe you were self-taught.Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.- Like when I taught myself to play the clarinet. - Exactly.I never played the clarinet.Can we drop it?Let's go get an ice cream.What about my lactose intolerance?Oh, I'm not loving this game.This sucks.My teacher gave me mononucleosis.My teacher gave me mononucleosis.As a parent, I feel I should ask about this.Slow down. It's not like she gets that many tugs on the line. It's for A.P. Bio.We have to write a report about a disease,and I got the worst one. This is a joke.Actually, it's pretty serious.Back in college, I caught monofrom my roommate, Ling.Served us right for fooling around.Never share a flute, kids.Hey, can you drop me off at the library?Sorry. I'm meeting some friends at that coffee shop on lake. You mean the one next to the library?That's a library?I thought it was a churchfor a religion that didn't allow makeup.When is the washing machine gonna get fixed?I'm wearing a swimsuit underneath my pants.Everybody's gonna have clean clothes soon.The repair guy's supposed to come todaybetween 10:00 and 2:00.Oh! Honey, can you be here for that?Can I sit around in an empty house and wait for someone? Baby, I'm a realtor.I have a license for that.You sure you don't mind?Go. Run your errands.It'll give me a chance to get started on these dishes. Oh, good. All right, come on, Luke.All right. See you guys later.Oh. More dishes than I thought.That lasagna's gonna be a tough one. Somebody's gonna need a scrub brush.Hello?What?No...way!June 10, 1988.Carla Concannon and I spent the afternoon frolicking at the public pool.Later, at her house, things got privatewhile a 45 of Carly Simon's"Nobody does it better" played.It was my first time, her first time...with me.I always thought it'd be fun to own that 45.When the record store finally called that morning, I ran right down so I wouldn't miss the repairman.I had to have it.It was the chance to relivethose magical 3 minutes and 42 seconds,which was also the length of the song.But then it dawned on me --I was cheating on my wifewith the red-hot memory of another woman.I could not let Claire find out.I had to destroy the evidence.Luckily, I'm cool under pressure.What?! No!When did he...?Come on!There were a couple of snags,but I think I covered my tracks pretty well.I'm so sorry it took so long to get you these clothes.I left them in the back of my carand completely forgot about them.Sounds familiar.I was in the pharmacy for three minutes.You had a cracked window and a juice box.Let's retire that story.Can I wear this for the family photo?Oh, honey, that's adorable, but, you know,Gloria wants us in jeans and a black T-shirt -- Classic and casual.And then maybe afterwards, we can stop byand change the scenery in a high-school play. That is a really cute dress.Oh, yeah, thank you. Just got it yesterday. Really?It reminds me of something I gave you six months ago. Do you ever put her in the girls' hand-me-downs?- Oh, yeah. All the time. - Really?Because if my girls' old clothes aren't to your taste,I could always just... give them to somebody else! Okay, calm down, Claire.Your voice is getting to that pitch that disturbs our cat. Oh, my God.You will not believe what dad just said.So, we're at the mall, right?And there's a piano there. I sit down behind it.- I start... - Come on, Mitchell.He's just not wired for compliments.I'm sure your playing was great.I don't play the piano. I've never taken a lesson.- Are you sure? - Oh, my god.My own family doesn't even know me.Mitchell, please. Don't be so sensitive.You don't see me pitching a fitbecause Cam is too much of a snobto use our hand-me-downs.Sn-- I'm sorry -- snob?I will have you know I come from simple farm folk. There is permanent dirt underneaththese fingernails from working the soil.Really?I had no idea that re-potting your orchidscounted as "Working the soil."Okay, they're in soil, are--You know what? I don't want to talk about this.I don't need to listen to this.I'm gonna go out and get some air.I know the feeling.Retire it. Seriously.Does Joe look a little pale to you?This whole country looks pale to me.I think he needs a little color for tonight's photograph. What do you think is the minimum age for a spray tanning? Now that Joe is hereand that his head is finally normal-shaped,I decided to take a new family portrait.Hola!How did it go at the mall?Bought a shirt, angered my son --another successful outing.Ooh. I've been wanting to do this.Quick -- what's the ring around an angel's head?- What? - Halo!You did the angel one!Ordinarily, I'd be delighted,but this isn't gonna be one of our fun chats.You mean like that time you called mewhen you saw that blimp?It was so low, they waved back.I'd done a pretty good jobeliminating all traces of that record,but there was still one loose end.You know, earlier today,when we ran into each other on the street?I didn't see you. You didn't see me.Okay, so you're sayingwhatever either one of us might have been doingwill remain forever --I didn't see you. You didn't see me.Just to be c-- hello?Jay's so cool. He gets it.I didn't know what he was talking about,but I needed him to keep his trap shut.You see, lately, I may have been dabblingin something that... strong, virile men like mearen't supposed to be dabbling in.And it wouldn't exactly fit my imageif people found out I was considering entering...a certain adorable dog in a dog show.a certain adorable dog in a dog show.Gloria thought I was out getting my tires rotated. Actually, I was buying Stella a decorative show collar -- you know, just in case.I figure if she looks beautiful,she'll feel beautiful.Guess who we ran into at the library.How would I know? I was here the whole time. Sanjay Patel. He's got Crohn's disease.- No! - I know. So lucky.He's totally going to win that science scholarship. He should use it to find a cure for baldness,'cause that kid is 16 with a comb-over.That's it!I'm just gonna pick a new topic.I want a disease that everyone in the schoolis going to talk about.All right!Why are you standing there?'Cause I missed you. I love you so much.Oh, wow. Love you, too.How'd it go with the repair guy?The repair guy came, but I missed him."Why? What were you doing?""Listening to a record.""What record?" "It's not important.""Phil!""The soundtrack to my first sexual experiencethat I think about from time to time.Honey, where are you going?! Don't take the kids!"He didn't show up.What?! That is so annoying!I know. Put away your groceries.I'll call him and reschedule.No, no, no, no, no. You are too nice.I am calling.I am not resting till I get to the bottom of this.It's no big deal.It's not the first time I've been stood up by some guy. Oh, listen to your words, Phil.Yep. Yep.She called me a snob, Mitchell.I'm -- oh, I'm sorry if I don't rushto throw Lily in every bargain-bin ragClaire tosses our way.You're not really shedding the "Snob" tag with that. Look, why don't we just put Lilyin one of Alex's shirts for the picture tonight?She'll see right through that.No, you're thinking of Haley's shirts.No, I mean it'll look ke we're doing itjust because she brought it up.Well, I know. That's why I'm looking for a photoof Lily in a hand-me-down to show Claire,but I-I can't seem to find one.By the way, I'm barely in any of these.Mitchell, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting? Yes! Sometimes I feel like this family looks right past -- You're suggesting that we stage a photograph.Put Lily in some hand-me-downs.Make it look like it's from the past --Christmas, say -- just to prove Claire wrong.Simplicity itself.That's not remotely what I'm saying --Mitchell, don't second-guess yourself.It's simplicity itself.Yes, once again, I would like to speak to a supervisor. Listen, if my husband said nobody came, nobody came. Dad, it's your move.No, I think I should just play it cool for now.I'm so sorry.Score!I got a disease that's rare and fun-- narcolepsy.The company swears that the driver was here at 10:00. They're putting him through to me right now.I'm gonna chip away at his story.Let's see how you get out of this.I'm thinking.It's a neurological conditionwhere people under extreme stress actually fall asleep.It's like a way for the brain to escape.I bet he was doing something he shouldn't have.I'm just gonna let him keep talking till he makes a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes.And the noose tightens.Why were my headphones in the couch?Oh, good. You do keep GPS logs on all your drivers. There's no way out.Let me just write down your name.Hey, does anybody need a receipt from Flipside Records? Damn it!I didn't even see that!I see you're registered for tonight's show.First one, huh?Yeah.I'm not sure I'm comfortablewith that whole prancing-in-a-circle thingin front of everybody.Can someone else run her through her routine?It has to be the owner.I suppose that's the best. We have a rapport.All right. See you at 5:00.5:00.Uh, I got a family thing at 5:00.Do these things tend to start on time?Of course. It's not a cat show.Well, I better speed it along. Come on.I can't believe mom made me take you here.This is my only black shirt,and mom needs me to wash it.It's only when I see the less fortunatethat I realize how lucky my clothes are.All the machines are taken. We're gonna have to wait. Oh, I am not spending any more timein fluorescent lighting than I have to.You're gonna sneak your shirt in with someone else's load -- Like that guy's. Go that way.I'll distract him.Excuse me.Haley?Oh, my god. Kevin.It's "Keith."You really don't rememberthe guy you abandoned at Coachella?I didn't abandon you. I-I texted you.That deejay put me in a trance.Yeah. It's -- it's almostlike you were using me for tickets.Oh. That's crazy.Can you get those again?Or was that just, like, a one-time thing with your uncle?It was a one-time thing.Okay, so, good seeing you.Yeah.- Remind me never to date you. - You wish.Please. I could totally get you.Like to see you try.All right, Lily, can you come in here, please?It's Christmas already?Probably should have prepped her.Okay, no, it's not actually Christmas.We're just gonna take a fun photo.Which I am going to be in because I am a member of the -- Where is my stocking?Oh, relax.It's not in the shot, and neither are you.Here -- I want you to take the picture from right over here. This way. Okay, great.Lily, I want you to put this onand then stand in front of the tree, and we'll pop a shot off. Ooh! Look at all the pretty presents!Those are just empty boxes.You're killing me!I don't know which one it is!I didn't see him put it in!Wait! I think I found it.He's coming!What?! No!What are you doing?Uh, I-I saw that your laundry was done,and I was gonna fold it for you to make us even for what you thought that I did that I didn't do. Even?I held your popcorn for eight hourswaiting for you to come back.I walked all the parking areas twice,checked every medical tent.By the time I got back to my car,it had been broken into and the battery was gone.I had to trade my festival passfor a ride home in a horse trailer.But...Looks like someone got a concert t-shirt. Dad, is there anything bothering youthat might be causing -- I don't know --major psychological stress?No. I've been acting normally, haven't I?Did something happen earlier today?Uh, nothing at all.Because you seem a little tense.What? No, I don't! Stop badgering me!I love your mom! Let's listen to some music. Boy, the way you cook things up sometimes,it's a little --- Dad! - What?!You fell asleep!It's like the fifth time today.I think it has something to do with that guynot showing up to fix the washing machine.Well, that's not exactly what happened.You snuck out to buy"Nobody Does It Better" from Flipside Records,and he showed up?That's more exactly what happened.How do you know all this?I've been watching you all day.I think the guilt from that has been causing you to fall asleep. So you know about Carla?I do now.- Dad! - What is happening?!I was skeptical about the jeans and t-shirt,but I like it.Any chance the photographer could fire off a couple solo shots? Look at the bottom of Joe's face.What happened? Did you leave him in the sun?No, I took him out for five minutesto give him a little color.I must have not closed the visor all the way down.Why is it so important to you that he has color?Because we're sending this pictureto our family in Colombia,and I have a son that doesn't even look Colombian.Now they're gonna look at this picture,and they're gonna think that I am a terrible mother,that I can't even take care of my own child.I think your reputation is set.I can still do this with my arm'cause I slept in the sink till I was 3.Ha-lo!People are here. I'll deal with Joe.- Okay. - Come on, buddy.Ohh. Come on.Hola. Claire is on her way.Dad, you have to confess to mom.Clearing your conscience is the only way to make this stop. Really?I hope so, or else I have to rewrite the whole end of my paper. Just the two of you? Where's the rest?I had hoped to get this picture thing wrapped up by 5:00! They're all coming separately.Cam, do me a favor -- call Mitchell and light a fire under him. I'm right here, dad.Oh. Good. I didn't see you come in.You opened the door for me.You thanked me for bringing a bottle of Chardonnay. Doesn't sound like me.Hey, guys. We're here.Finally. Let's do this.Luke, where's your black shirt?Right here. I'll get changed.All right. Shake a leg.- Hey, sweetie. - Hi!Hey, Lily, be careful.Don't get anything on that beautiful outfit. Recognize it? Look familiar?Yes, I do, but I hardly thinkthat putting her in one of Alex's hand-me-downs proves anything after I pitched a fit.Well, first of all, I think it's really healthythat you do admit it was a fit.But if you need further proof,I'm sure I could find a photograph over here. Sure. Go ahead.No me.No me.No me.Ah. There we are.Christmas morning last year. Oh, my god.Oh, it's Alex's old pajamas!I'm so sorry. I owe you an apology. Sometimes I can be really --What's that?Uh, the calendar opened to december,the half-eaten cookies for Santa Claus,the nibbled-on carrots for reindeer? I don't know.No, that looks like last month's Vanity Fair.Oh, well, you know, every month's "Young hollywood." Mm, and didn't Lily just lose that tooth?Nope, it's still there. It's just dirty.Christmas-morning chocolates.Uh, and I am quite sure that's a reflection of Mitchellin the clothes he was wearing this morning.Oh, yay, I finally made it into a picture.Just couldn't change, could you?You are a snob.- Okay, you know what... - You're a snob....it hardly takes a snob to recognize- the clothes you put your children in... - Snob!are uninspired at best.- Claire,Cam, enough! - Oh, really?!Everybody in this family has good taste.It's just different.It's causing too many fights.That's why today I just put everybodyin a simple T-shirt-and-jeans outfit.Mm. There's a new rule from now on --nobody gives clothes to anyone else's children.Well, I think that's probably for the best.Thank god I don't have to spend one more of Joe's birthdayswith a funny smile on my face.Thank you, Cam. He loves it.Twinsies!Okay, everybody, it's picture time.Where's Luke?Right here.Honey, what are you wearing? Is that a girl's shirt?I guess I grabbed the wrong one from the laundromat.If I'm being honest, I don't hate the way it fits.It must be that guy's girlfriend's shirt.Is it bad that that makes himmore interesting to me?Yes. Stay away.Don't worry about Luke. We'll stick him in the back row. Not everyone can look their best in the picture.Joe's ready.What did you do to him?You want him to look more Colombian.What's more Colombian than the Colombian flag?He's perfect.Not a banner day for my male heirs.Claire, you're in the back.Phil, you're behind Claire. No rabbit ears.I don't want you messing around behind Claire's back. Cameron, Lily, come on in.It's picture time.Honey.There's something I need to tell you.Uh, you know how you can treasurespecial moments in your pastthat in no way diminish the special moments in your present? Yeah, sweetheart, it's called having a memory.Okay, I wouldn't mind a friendlier tone as I move through this. What did you do?Up, up, up, up, ah!No, that's the wrong way, sweetheart.What fell out of Lily's pocket?Is that a diamond ring?Huh. That'll go great with your shirt.It looks real.It is real.A small occlusion, but very good color.This is Claire's.No.Claire's got her's on.Ay, Phil, please, you cannot tell the differencebetween this beautiful, but a small, diamondand that chunk of glassthat should have made her finger fall off weeks ago.I feel like I am getting you in trouble.Picture time!What's happening?Okay, don't be mad.Um, I lost my real ring a few months ago, and I just realized it must have fallenin the box of clothes I gave to Lily.Why'd you take it off?Well, I got pulled over,and I wanted to flirt my way out of the ticket by pretending I was singleAnd it worked, and I kind of liked it.And then I felt so guilty about liking itthat I just wanted to erase the whole thing. So you lied?Yes. I lied. I'm sorry.Does that make me a terrible person?No, no. Are you kidding me?We've been married for a long time.Of course we're gonna have our little secrets. The important thing......is that we know the differencebetween a harmless indulgence...and a real indiscreet--Gloria?- Left. - Thank you.Okay, it's picture time!Everybody, hury up.Get in your positions.All right?All right, I think that everyone is here.Okay, ready?And smile!Are you kidding me?Nobody noticed I wasn't here.What does it take with you people?!Ay, Joe, my baby, are you okay?Yeah, yeah, maybe -- maybe that -- that's what it takes for you to pay attention to me --Throw a temper tantrum like -- like Joe.I could just throw a big...temper tantrum that --Or if I make a mess of everything and...I feel like that was aimed at me.You want to talk about it?Or I could just play some piano.So I'm in the ballpark.Look.If it seems sometimes like we don't notice you, maybe that is because we are focused......on our own stupid problems,And you're so steady.Oh, you mean boring.- No. - Yeah.Calm.Because you live your lifethe way you want to.In fact, you inspired me recently.Oh, how so?Fine.I've been going through this thing lately.It all started when I noticeda group of guys in the corner in the park.And, uh, honestly, when I first found out what they were doing, I thought it was kind of weird,but I found I kept thinking about it.And I thought I'd give it a whirl.Ok-- okay. Go on.I think you know where I'm going with this,but one of the older guys showed me the ropes.Next thing I know,I'm hanging out at that park in that corner every dayand loving it.But I must have also got some shame about itbecause it feels goodwhen I'm doing it, but...Is that me now?A guy with a show dog.There it is!Okay, see, I-I knew what it wasn't.I just wasn't sure what it was.In fact, there's a show right now,But...ah, I'm not gonna go.No, no. D--- I could tell this is important to you. - No.You -- you should go. You should go.I don't want to sneak out,and I don't want people to know about it.Dad.A wise man once told me,"I don't get it,but if that's who you are,Don't you dare be ashamed of it."I did handle that kind of well.Yeah, yeah, well...And it wasn't easy.I just never pictured my kid a lawyer.It's scary to let people see the real you,even when those people are your own family.But aren't they the ones we should be least worried about, the ones who will love us without judging,who forgive our faultsand celebrate our imperfections?Maybe even encourage usto let our true selves shine through?Wait, wait. Hang on. Wait, wait.Okay.I think you look beautiful.I look old.All my cousins are going to see this.Click the button that makes my wrinkles go away. - What happened? - Nothing.It's not nothing. You're limping!Were you trying to do the Russian dance again? It was just something stupid I was trying out, and I don't even know why,since it's basically impossible.Gloria. Gloria! Check it out.Is this not the cutest thing you've ever seen?She did that on her first try.He loves it, too.Oh, oh, sure. Rub it in, Joe.Attagirl!Here she comes this way!Now she is just showing off.Both way.。
Oh, my god. Mom.The party is like around the block.I'll be gone for two hours.Yeah. That is two hours you could've spent studying.I had been studying all weekend.No friends, no phone.Just me, alone with books.I feel like Alex.You're never alone when you have books. Really? Is that what you want me to turn into? Sweetheart, listen to me. This is the SATs, okay?It is not some stupid science quiz.Hey, if science quizzes are so stupid,Why do you put mine up on the refrigerator? Because we feel sorry for you,'cause books are your friends.Yeah, she wasn't studying last night.She was video-chatting the whole time.- Shut up! - I knew it.- I knew it. - You are such a tattletale!Girls, take it down a notch, because I ...Whoa, whoa, whoa!What's the hot topic on "The View" today, ladies? Dad, can you just please tell momthat I can take a two-hour break and go to a party? No, ma'am. I'm not stepping into that one.We're not playing good cop/mom.I got it.- Hello. - You call for a plumber?Uh, no, we did not.Oh, yes, We did, we did.Plumber, hi. Yeah.Um, it's right up at the top of the stairs. Thank you. Really, Claire?But didn't I tell you I'd fix the tub?Yes, honey, you did.And I think I was pregnant with Luke at the time.That is not fair.I've done everything you've asked me to do around here.I fixed the step, didn't I? Look how solid it is!I'm like Shirley Templeand that black guy!Bill "Bojangles" Robinson.Bill "Bojangles" Robinson!I said it first!So, this is the problem.Uh, faucet just keeps leaking.Yeah, it's a cracked washer --If I know my washers.And it's, uh, it's been leaking a little water.Yeah, could be a washer,a cracked valve, a stripped pipe.Well, I guess I'm not a professional plumber,but I have spent a huge amount of time in that tub.I can tell you from experience,or at least what it feels like in there --or at least what it feels like in there --Oh, good. You're back.I need you to help settle a spatbetween our blacksmith and the chimney sweep.Be nice. It took me 20 minutes to find my opera cloak.I still can't believe. You didn't have to rent any of that. Oh, please.Do you know how many times this has paid for itself? Has it?Well, our friend Pepperloves to throw theme parties.Yes, he does,And this weekend is his first annual"Oscar Wilde and Crazy Brunch."We're still recoveringfrom his "Studio 54th of July" barbecue.They were fun at first.But they have become a lot of work.You have to dress in costume.You have to assume a character.I -- I can't believe you ever dated him.One date.It was the '90s.We'd just lost Princess Di.I was at sea.Oh, Cam, can we just...Can we please cancel?I wish we could.But you know he's still mad at us for missing Passover. Oh. Right."Seder-day night Fever"?Just go get dressed and powdered.Ohh.Pepper has done the impossible!He's made two gay men hate brunch.You know, it might be easierjust to pour the espresso right in the sugar.Every morning.Jay, what are you wearing?You can't go to church like that.Well, that settles it, then. I'm going golfing.You're gonna miss church again?Last sunday,you said that you had to go to the office.The week before, you had breakfast with a friend. And before that, you thought you had a cold.That turned out not to be a cold.Because I babied it.You don't have to convince us.- You have to convince him. - Who, god?- Me and god are good! - How would you know? Look, you feel god in church, which is great.I feel god out in nature, amongst his works.Are you gonna go to church next week?We'll see.I know what "we'll see" means.If you're done with church, just say it.- I'm done with church. - Don't say that!Look -- I'm not going to church anymore.It's not the end of the world.Let's not make a big deal out --Hell...Aah. Aah. Earthquake!Terremoto!Vamos, vamos, Manny! Vamos, Jay!Come on, Jay!Girls?!Oh, god. Oh, god.Okay.This is -- this is stuck!We're gonna die! we're gonna die!We better not.If they find us in these outfits,it's gonna be very bad for the gays.- Clair - We're okay!- Dad? - Luke!Buddy.You okay?That thing almost fell on me!I was sitting there,and it came this close to my head!It's all right. You're okay.You didn't get hurt.Well, I'm not gonna wait around here until I do. O... kay.Wow!That is a doozy.Hey, are you guys okay?Yeah, we're fine. You?We're fine.That was really...Oh, wait. Hold on.Hello?Mitch, are you okay?We're okay. We're okay.And Phil and Claire?Uh, I'm on the other line with them right now. One second.Hello?Oh, shoot, we lost Phil.We lost Phil?!We lost Phil?Hello?Great. Now Gloria's gone.Gloria's gone, too?Ohh!Hey, Gloria.Ay, dios meo, Phil, you're alive!Yeah, of course I'm alive.For now.For months, Claire has been after meand dogging me"Anchor the cabinet to the wall.""What if we have an earthquake?""We've got kids in the house."Blah blah blah.So it finally reached the point where I had no choice, but to just roll up my sleeves and tell her I did it. Phil!Dad, get up here!On my way -- seriously, I just fixed that! Haley...What's wrong?Mom's stuck!You okay in there?We're fine.The door is jammed.- Uh...well, let's -- let's try this together, okay? - Okay. Um, I'm gonna push, you pull.Okay. On three.1, 2, 3...Aah! nothing!Oh, damn!Okay, here's the thing.I wasn't pushing. In fact, I was pulling a little.It dawned on methat as long as Claire was stuck in the bathroom,I'd have time to anchor the cabinet to the wall.It's like they saysometimes when god closes a door,he closes it so hard that your wife can't get out.So, don't panic! I'm gonna get you out!I'm just gonna go get some tools!Get a crowbar if you have one!What is that supposed to mean?Like I'm some dandy who doesn't have a crowbar? Well, you did just use the word "dandy." "dandy" is a term coined by miners in the 15th century. Phil?Just get us out of here.Dad, how long is it gonna take to get her out of there? Long time.Oh, honey. Don't worry.Mommy is gonna be out soon. Don't panic.Wait a minute.Wait a minute. You're not going to that party, young lady. No, I'm not going to the party.I'm just going downstairs.With your purse?Come on.Just cover for me this one time, and I...I'll drive you wherever you want.I want to go to the Museum of Tolerance.Fine. How far is Tolerance?I can hear the two of you scheming out there!Don't you dare leave this house!Ohh, why do you have to be such a psycho control freak?! Okay, you know what?Just for that, you are grounded one week!Oh, that's good parenting!Okay. Two weeks.Want to double it?! keep talking!Blah blah blah blah blah!Fine! four weeks! four!Double it again and make it 10 weeks!Oh, my god!Do you not hear how much you need to study?! Mitchell, come on. We're gonna be late.Ohh, I can't believe we have to do this.Come on, after the earthquake,it might be nice to be around similarly dressed people. That makes no... the earthquake!Okay. Okay. Yes.Yes. This -- okay. This is the perfect excuse.Why? We're fine.Yeah, but Pepper doesn't know that.You'll just tell himthat we have some damage we have to deal with.- Why me? - Because I'm the one that always cancels. - Hello. - No. Don't hand me that I will not talk to him. I'm a bad liar. Do not hand me that.He is on the phone right now.Pick up. You are doing it!I think somebody's talking. Hello?Hi! Pepper!Listen -- hi. Hey.It's Cameron. How are you doing over there?Great.Well, the earthquake.Yeah, it was huge here. Huge.So, obviously, we're not,we're not gonna be able to make it.- Why not? - Well, some dishes broke.You can sweep them up later.And, uh, well, yeah, I guess --I guess we could sweep those up, um, later.Our, uh, our -- our hat rack.- Our hat rack fell through the window. - Hat rack? Well, yeah, we do have a hat rack.We thought it would force us to wear our hats more. And it did.And there's water damage.There's water everywhere.A bookshelf fell on Mitchell's leg.Mitchell's hurt, Pepper.Mitchell's hurt real bad.I'm coming right over.No, you don't need to come over.- I'm coming! - Pepper, no!He's coming over.See? Kind of panicked.You did panic, Cam.You paniced real bad.You're still going golfing?!God sent you a sign, Jay!What, the earthquake? You got to be kidding me. You say that you're never going to church again, and the ground shakes with a vengeance.I'll prove it to you.God, if you have a problem with me golfing,send me a sign!I mean, throw in a little lightning!Put on a show!Don't talk to god like that!Trust me, if god had a problem with me,he would let me know without shaking the whole city. He would be a little more specific.I'm not gonna argue with you.I don't want to get upset.Vlmanos, Manny.- I think I'm gonna skip it today. - What?!I like what Jay said about god being in nature.No, no, no, no.Don't listen to him.His days are numbered!Think about it, mom. It makes sense.God made the trees and the grass.He didn't make that church.But he made the people that make the church,and you're making me angry! Vlmanos.Just one week.Can I go golfing with you?Well, I'm probably gonna havea Latino kid carry my clubs anyway.Might as well be you.Fine! See what I care! go!Manny. Go change.Sorry, mom. Hope you understand.Probably good for us to spend a little time together.You're gonna spend eternity together!Ohh. Damn it!I suppose that was god, too!I don't know who did it, but it makes me happy.What are you doing?Hey, buddy.Oh, just double-checking these straps.This is an extra.These babies saved your life.That's why this cabinet barely moved.It fell all the way to the couch.It almost killed me.No, it didn't.This cabinet barely moved.That's just perspective playing tricks on your mind.Like if I hold up my thumb, it looks bigger than your head. No, it doesn't. It looks tiny.You have to look at it from over here.How can I look at my head from over there?Phil?Why don't you just lie down?I got to make sure your mom's still stuck.So she -- I can get her out.Don't fall asleep.Sorry that took -- you filthy...Sorry that took so long!I'm gonna go ahead and just take off the doorknob, okay? Okay!There we go.That's -- oh, damn!What? What happened?I, uh, brought the wrong screwdriver,So I'll be right back!All right, but hurry up, Phil!Doing my best, Claire!Oh, don't talk back, dad! She'll just ground you!That's 32 weeks, young lady!I was at 16 before, right?What?Nothing.Don't judge me until you've had a teenage girl.I've had four of them.God, how did you survive that?Girls were a piece of cake.It was the boy.Every look on his face,every stupid decision he made.The way he sat there, chewing his food like an idiot. And then it hit me why this kid drove me so crazy.He's me.Well, all the more reason she should listen to me.I can stop her from making the same mistakes.Did you listen to your mother?Ohh, god no.But, you know, I had a reason.That woman was a psycho control...freak.Hey, mom.I brought you some soda.But I couldn't find any straws,So you'll have to drink it like cats.Oh! Thank you, Luke!That's my sweetie.I was going to bring you wine,but you finished the big bottle last night.Okay. Off you go.Hold this, will you, kid?Sure.You know, Mitchell used to caddy for me.Of course, he spent most of his time chasing butterflies. You won't catch me doing that.Good for you.I'm terrified of them.Huh.Look at that. That's a perfect shot.And I hit that with a bent club.So you're not worried about getting in trouble? You know, with god?Oh, I think he's got bigger things on his plate. So you're not worried about hell?Let me let you in on a little secret, kid.There is no hell.Seriously?No hell?That's fantastic!So everyone just goes to heaven?Yep. End of story.Even bad people?Yeah, they're -- they're --they're in another section, see?They got this thing figured out.Can I hit this?Damn it.You distracted me.I didn't say anything!I could hear you thinking.I'm thinking about this heaven of yoursthat's full of bad people.Not full. The tiniest fraction.They're walled in.What if they break out?They're surrounded by a lake of fire.They are fiery lakes in heaven?This is turning into hell.Tell me about it.What are you doing?!Well, you promised Pepper broken dishes,so...I'm breaking this.No! Not my frog!I know you think it's tacky,I know you think it's tacky,but I happened to have won this at my first 4-H summer camp in a hollerin' contest.Well, we wouldn't have to break anythingif you were a better liar.If you're trying to make me feel badabout not being as good a liar as you --What are you doing?A hat rack fell through the window, remember?One...Two...Three!Mitchell, wait!I-I-I can't do this. I quit.You might be comfortable with all this lying,but I'm not.Oh, please. Where was all this consciencewhen I got us into the first-class lounge at the airportand you chewed Angela Lansbury's ear off.You know what you are?You're like a mob wife.You look down at me and my ways,but you're happy to wear the mink coatthat fell off the back of the truck!How dare you?I know. I know.It really hit us bad.No.I'm just always surprised how small this place is. Pepper, you didn't have to leave your partyto come check on us.Great costume, by the way.This isn't my costume.I just threw this on to help you clean up.Well, about your party...Oh, don't worry about canceling.At least you have an excuse.Unlike Steven and Stefan.They said they had the flu.Meantime, I just saw them out riding their bicycle. Oh, Pepper, that is horrible.I-I'm gonna make you a cocktail.Oh, honey. Don't go to any trouble.I'll just have a Kir Royale.I mean, my god,if they didn't want to come to my party,just say it.I'm a big boy. I can take it.Well, since you brought it up, Pepper...We didn't want to come to your party, either.What?Well, you know we love you,but they've just gotten to be so much work over the years, and... we're all out of cassis.I can't bear it!I will make you a Bellini.Everybody canceled on me!And now you two!For 15 years,I have killed myself setting a community standardwith my fanciful themed brunchesmounted at great personal expense.Well, clearly, I've been a fool.No one likes your brunches, Pepper.No one likes you.You're gonna die alone!In a quaint Spanish revival outside of Palm Springs...In a quaint Spanish revival outside of Palm Springs...Or La Quinta.Yeah. I told him.Yeah. Yeah, I puzzled that out.I just don't understand this bad section of heaven. What if they send you to the wrong place?They make mistakes with paperwork sometimes.I was put in a girls' health class last yearand had to watch a very disturbing movie.Calm down.Instead of thinking all morningabout what heaven's gonna look like,what it's not gonna look like, who's where.If there even is a heaven.Why don't we just concentrateon this beautiful, carefree day that's in front of us? I'd rather concentrate on something you just said. There might not even be a heaven?I don't know!You seemed pretty sure of yourself this morning. So what happens after you die?There's just nothing?Look, you're focusing too muchon one little thing that I said.It was just a hunch, okay?A hunch?I'm skipping church based on a hunch?!All right, don't freak out on me here, kid.You're playing pretty fast and loose with my soul.Listen. I want you to forget everythingthat I said, okay?Some things can't be forgotten, Jay.Do you know what menstruation is?Because I do.Perfect.- Hey! - W-what are you doing?Aren't you supposed to be getting mom out of the bathroom? That is what I was doing.That is what I was doing.This c-- this cabinet...- Was the problem. - How?Yeah. It's very heavy,and because it was properly anchored to the wall,there's sort of a ripple effect.It was...pulling part of the floor down...and then pushing part of the floor up,using the bathroom door --Please don't tell on me.I don't know who I am anymore!Who am I?!I'm a joke!That's who.- No. - No.You're not a joke.You're Pepper Saltzman.I think I better just go.If anything terrible should happen,don't feel an obligation to attend my memorial. New york or L.A..Pepper?Pepper, you -- you didn't let me finish.The reason we didn't want to come to your party is... Mitchell?Seriously?- Who's a mob wife? - I'm a mob wife.I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.I'm a mob wife.Okay, um...Pepper,this is a little embarrassing.I don't even want to hear it.Cameron still has feelings for you.Go on.Yeah, and it's just -- it's very hard for himto be around you, especially at your...magical brunches where you're just --you're -- you're so... magnetic.And then I see the way that he looks at you, and... damn it, pe-- it just makes me so madThat I could just...Really?Yeah, oh, you don't know the pain, Cam! Ohh, boys!Boys, I can't stand that I'm coming between you! Not that I'm surprised.I admit I have noticed the stolen glancesand the yearning in your eyes.Okay. Well, y-you'll forgive us, Pepper,if we sit out your next few brunches? Absolutely.I would hate to lose you two.I've always thought of you as being like my- Sons? - Sons?"Sons"?I was gonna say "Brothers."it's like a house of pain!- All right, Claire. - Okay, ready?- You ready? - I'm ready.- All right, on "Go." - Okay, go.- All right? Go! - Okay, go!Go! Go!- Claire! - Oh, god, I got it!Ohh! It's moving! It did it!All right! We got it.- Oh! Thank god! - Go.Oh, thank god. Thank god. Thank god.Phil?Phil?Honey -- Phil, where are you?Phil...Are you kidding me?!Not the -- Phil!- Phil! - Hey!What happened to you? You disappeared for 20 minutes. We just had to break ourselves out of that bathroom.I am so happy to see you. Get in here.Oh, no. No, no. Seriously.What happened?Dad was incredible!He was running around here turning off the gas line, cleaning up broken glass,and taking care of Luke after he ran into a wall. What?I got scared because the cabinet didn't fall down. Ohh. I'm sorry.- Well, don't worry about it. - No, I'm sorry.Oh... I was so nervous.I freaked out.It's all right. It's all right.- I think it was a little bit of a rough morning. - Yes.- Wasn't it? - Yes, it was.I don't know about you guys,but I just want to relax and put my feet up.At the Museum of Tolerance. Who's in?I am!You are. Okay. Let's do it.There's nothing mystical about an earthquake.Pressure builds, and it's released.And you just hope there's not too much damage.But it makes you realize what matters.And for me, that's my family.I'll put in a good word for you.You're the best, kid.My family and golf.If heaven's in the sky,what do you walk on?Ay, Manny, don't be ridiculous. The clouds.That makes no sense. Clouds are air.You'd fall right through them.The clouds in heaven -- they're like trampolines.Mm, I don't like trampolines.They make me seasick.Manny, stop worrying.Heaven is a beautiful placewith sunshine and rainbows and butterflies.- Butterflies?! -Ay, no, no, no, no.Aah! I didn't say butterflies! Manny, there's no butterflies!。
Okay, okay.Here she comes!Happy mother's day...oh!What are you wearing?You don't remember this shirt?You made it for me for mother's day in kindergarten.- It's adorable. - It's perverted.It looks like you were felt up- By that creepy guy around the coner. - Ew! Why him? 'cause he's got, like, freakishly tiny hands.Thank you!I cannot believe you kept that shirt.Of course I kept it. I'm your mother.I keep everything you make me.Please take that off.Oh, when I'm dead.Today is my special day,And I am gonna enjoy me some coffee.- You know that's a pencil holder, right? - Oh, I do now. Go first.- No, you can go first. - Manny, go first!No, Jay, you go first.Ah, somebody give me a present!Oh, Jay, a diamond necklace!Thank you!You deserve it.Go ahead, kid.Happy mother's day, mom.A necklace made of the froot loops!I love it!I know they're not exactly diamonds, mom.No, they're beautiful.You know what? I got a confession to make.Those aren't real diamonds. No.Here, give them back. I'll get you some real ones later.Dang it. Now I got to come clean.These aren't real froot loops. They're generic.Now I have no presents again.Good morning!Hey, what's this?Well, I know you've had some late nights with Lily,And this is just my way of saying "Thank you" And "I love you." Oh, thank you.And this is just the beginning.Yeah, 'cause today is your day.Today?All day.Today. Today is my day.Something's happening.- It mother's day, Mitchell. - So?You're bringing me breakfast in bed on mother's day.Okay, no, no, this is not a mother's day breakfast.This is breakfast that happens to be on --You think of me as Lily's mother!- I'm your wife! I'm a woman!! - What?Honestly, I'm a little offended that he accused me of that. I'm acally very sensitive to that issue.Like I would ever treat my partner as a woman. Somebody got new curtains.Well, Mrs. Pritchett loves to shop.Oh, we're never gonna be done by 6:00.Better call home.The wife's not gonna like this.Sometimes I think he just wants to be mad at me.- I can't eat! - Okay, you know what?If you can't accept the nice gesture,Then just forget it.Okay, scratch the balloons. She is in a mood.更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 I asked claire what she wanted for mother's day,And she said, "Take a hike."It's not like that.She's -- she's just bananas for walking around in nature. Um, so, she and -- and gloriaAre taking the kids up the canyonUm,and jay and I are, uh, throwing on the apronsAnd preparing a mother day feast.It's...It's gonna be fun.I know you want to leave me- But I refuse to -- - We're not doing that.You know there are coyotes in these woods?Did you pack a weapon?I have a walking stick.Does it become a sword?I guess it could become a running stick.All right, you're gonna outrun a coyote?The fastest mammal in the world?I'm not sure that's true.And how are you gonna fend them off with a popsicle stick? It's a spear.And it smells like lemon-lime,A flavor coyotes hate.Where are you getting your information?How much farther?Well, I'd like to go far enoughthat we can't still see our car in the parking lot.I'm getting dust in my mouth.- You have to appreciate nature. - Yes.Soon, this will be the mall.- I'll come then. - I'm hungry.I say we eat what we kill.你Oh, then I guess we'll be eating the mood.I don't get you at all.I know.Oh, is that the party over there?I don't know. I'm a woman, remember?I have a terrible sense of direction.May I remind you that my big crimewas making you fluffy pancakes, okay?I'm getting a little sick of you dwelling on this.It happens to be Mother's Day, not Martyr's Day. Mitchell.I'm sorry. It's just a sensitive issue for me. Okay.There's nothing gays hate more than when people... - treat us like women. - Treat us like women.We're not.We don't want to go to your baby shower.We don't have a time of the month.We don't love pink.Well, you love pink.- No, pink loves me. - Okay.- Hey, guys! - Hey! So...That's Jen, husband Rick, baby Diego.I don't get it either.Hey, Jen. Let me help you with that.Rick! How you doing?We should do play group on weekends more often.It's nice to have the husbands around to help, right?Oh, yeah, because that makes all the sense in the world -- You as the husband.Stop it. That's not what she meant.Look at us. I could snap you like a twig.Okay, every once in a while you say that thing about the twig, - And I need you to know that it bothers me. - Sorry. Okay, everybody. Happy Mother's Day!I know I speak for all the guyswhen I say thank you for everything you dowhile we're off having affairs.I'm kidding. I'll pay for that later.Uh, let's get the moms and kids together for a picture!No, let's go. Let's get out of here.Leave the stroller and run.Cam, stop. No one's going to ask you to --Cameron, get on up here.I don't know. You guys just go ahead.- You're an honorary mom! - Oh, I don't know.Uh, okay, all right.- Unhand me. - Get over there.That's -- that's...Okay, tighten up, tighten up.Up here, ladies!Beautiful. One more, gals.Oh, thanks, ladies. Thanks so much. Perfect. Great. Okay.Yeah, that was definitely poison oak.I think this rash is spreading.Manny, that's not a rash.It's red because you scratch it.I just don't want my throat to close.Wouldn't be the worst thing.I'm so bored, I'd rather be reading.I'm so bored, I chewed the last bugthat flew in my mouth just to feel something.I'm so bored, I'm talking to you.Ugh! Okay!For the last 20 minutes,all you people have done is whine!You would think on mother's day, at least,You would have something nice to say ---Shh! - What?Thought I heard a coyote. Go ahead.God, Luke, you're such an idiot.At least I don't look like an idiot.- What does that mean? - Your hat.It's like you walked under a bird that poops ugly hats. Can we watch the language?There's nothing else to watch.Enough complaining!You can't bitch all daybecause you're not at the beach all day.Come on.No. No, no.I-I'm giving myself a mother's day present.Kids, your hike is over.- Yes! - Yeah!No! No, not happy.- Bad. Sad. - Mm.Gloria and I are gonna go finishthis beautiful hike together while you sit hereand think about how selfish and thoughtless you've been. Come on.If we're thoughtless, how can we think?You just lost your water.Let's go.What the hell are those?Onion goggles. No more tears when I cook.Welcome to the 21st century. You should get a pair.I was gonna suggest the same thing.Hey, Jay, you know what we should put in this?- We should add a da-- - No.It's my mom's recipe.What it says on the page goes in the pot.Nothing more, nothing less.Now, how long do I stir the beef and sausages?Read it to me.You should stir the beef and sausages for five minutes. And how much longer do I have to listento the Julia Child Impression?to the Julia Child Impression?For as long as it's still funny.I think the timer just went off on that.That was unnecessary.What's this?What?!Hey, Jay, maybe after this,we should make "the perfect mom."All we need is "a tablespoon of love, 1 cup of warmth, add one heart, softened."What the hell are you talking about?This recipe for the perfect mom,by Jay Francis Fritchett, age nine.Geez, I forgot all about that.I didn't know she had that in there.What's that, Francis?Nothing.How much longer on the meat?I love the part about "serves one small boy."That's adorable."175 pounds of tenderness."She must have loved that. Big woman?Jay?And that's when I saw it.Jay...Are...- Are you crying? - No!It's the onions, damn it. Give me these.What are you lookin' at?Nothing.Those really frame your face.Beautiful.Ay, thank you.Okay, I don't want you to judge me,but I have to say something.Sometimes, I want to punch my kids.- You don't mean that. - No, I do. I do.The last time they were horrible the way they were today, They happened to be all lined up.And I couldn't help but think,"If I hit just one of them,the rest would go down like dominos."I know.That would rob me of the pleasureof hitting each one individually, but...Oh, my god, you don't talk about your children this way.Oh, come on. You know Manny irritates you.No. Manny is the best thing that ever happened to me.We have a special bond.Yes, bonds. I know.but that's not what I'm talking about now.Claire, for a long time,it was only the two of us.I cannot say anything bad about that boy.Give me a break, Gloria!Anybody who's ever had a kid knowsthat they can irritate the freaking lifeout of you at some point.Am I right?Oh. Okay.He's persnickety.- What? - Manny.He's persnickety. It drives me up the wall.Okay, persnickety. Good start.He follows me around all the time.Sometimes I love it,but sometimes I need my own space.This does not make you a bad mother to admit these things. And the poetry. It's not very good.Ah. First time that I say that out loud.Okay.It's not very good!I-I love Manny, but, you know, sometimes I --Just be a boy!Go outside. Kick a ball. Steal something.It feels so good!Maybe to you.No, Manny! Ay!I was talking about another Manny that I know long time ago! Diablo!Manny!You know, more people have died hikingthan in the entire civil war?Ok, what book did you read that in?Book?Wake up and smell the internet, grandma.You know mom's just gonn want us to apologize.Well, we did kind of ruin her mother's day.No, she ruined her mother's day.She took us to a placeshe knew we wouldn't like.And then we complain for like a second,and we're the bad guys?That's a good point.You ever get the feeling she does this intentionally?Why would she do that?- So she can make us feel guilty. - Exactly.And the next time we're choosing what to do,she gets her way again.And the next time and the next time.And eventually, it's mother's day every day.Wow. Mom's really smart.Well, not smarter than me.Well...I say we don't apologize this time,Let her know we're onto her little game.We could change the way this whole family operates. Okay, so nobody says they're sorry.Got it? Keep your mouths shut when she comes back. If she comes back.Jay teared up in front of me.He'd never shown me that kind of vulnerability,and it embarrassed him.I'd shamed the proud lion.Only thing to do......hug the proud lion.Oh, I could get bit.I could get scratched.But you know what's inside every lion?A pussycat.I need you to get away from me.Yep.Okay, I'm just gonna say this one timeso we can move on.- It's okay. - Gotcha.You -- you know what "It" is?It's you crying.- Which I didn't. - You teared up.It was the onions.Okay, okay.Maybe I'm -- maybe I'm just putting myself in your place, but if I came across something from my childhood,and it reminded me of my mom, I might get a little misty, maybe even want to talk about it.Here.So proud.They offered me a bouquet, Mitchell.Which you accepted.Why can't you ever take my side?They think of me as a woman!Cam, no, come on.We're just a new type of family, you know?They don't have the right vocabulary for us yet.They need one of us to be the mom.So why does it have to be me?Do I wear a dress?That's a nightshirt!It's kind of satiny.What are you saying?Come on, you know.No. No, no, no. I don't know.All right, if I'm thinking about it,of the two of us, if I had to pick,I might say that you're slightly...Mom-er.Excuse me. Can you throw that ball?Can I throw a ball?- You don't think I can throw a ball? - Cam- No, no, no. - That's not what he said.No, apparently, this gentlemandoesn't think I can throw a ball.Oh, that's not what he said.You think I can't throw a ball? Well, let's find out!Oo god. He looks old.Oh, sorry!Cam, hands.Sorry!There you go.Manny, I didn't mean any of it.Please forgive me!I don't think I can. Let's just get in the van.Oh. Sorry for the rhyme.I know how you "hate my poetry."Please, stop my suffering!Say something terrible about meso that we can be even like steven.Why would I say something terrible to someone I love?I curse my tongue!I'm gonna intervene here.Manny, let's talk about what really happened, okay?Your mom said you should go out and throw a ball around. That can't be the first time you've heard that.No. But there was some hurtful stuff said about my poetry. Which your mom regrets.I do!So? That's what parents are for.Sometimes they criticize because it helps make you stronger. Kids these days get trophies just for showing up.What's that gonna lead to?A bunch of 30-year-olds living at home.Manny, your mom loves you very much.But she's a human being.So she let off a little steam.Honestly, it's probably a great thing for your relationship.- I guess I can - Stop.He needs to know the real truth.Manny, Claire was feeling badbecause she wants to hit her own children,So I tried to make her feel betterby inventing terrible things about you.You mean you don't have a problem with my poetry?No, the only problem that I haveis that I never have enough of it.You're the perfect kid in every way.Ay, mi amorWow. That's healthy.Good. You're back.Are we done?Unless the you have something to sayto the person who gave you life on her special day.- Nope. - I'm good.My baby, Luke?No.Here. What's this?Well, it's a mother's day card.And I know -- stop it! Okay.Cam, that was Gloria's card from MannyBut I just wanted you to seewhat its definition for "Mother" was on it.It's warm, nurturing, supportive.You know, maybe when the world sees you as a mom -- Not just the world.Fine. Fine. Me too.But maybe this is what we're seeing,And I don't know why that's such a bad thing.It certainly doesn't make you less of a man, right?- Maybe you're right. - Yeah.Come on, let's join the party.And, Cam, put down the scotch.You're not fooling anyone.It is so burn-y. Oh, my god.Come on, people! Everybody to the table!It's just hard, you know?Having your mother's day ruined.I never thought it would be you, Lucas.Don't even think about it.But she's sad.Sad she's losing.She just hit you with her best shot.We need to stay strong.- But I feel-- - Don't feel!Just go splash water on your face and man up! We're your mother now.How was your day with my dad? Awkward, actually.He, um... He cried a little.- My dad?! - Shh!- Dad what? - He cried.No, I didn't say he cried.- Who cried? - My dad. - Stop!Why would you make Jay sob like that?I didn't make him sob.He teared up when I found this poemhe wrote for his mom as a boy.- What is "Ohh"? - Phil saw dad cry.Jay misses his mama.- Everybody, stop! - Is anybody hungry?- What? - You cried for your mommy?Oh, crap. I did not.Yes, Phil just told us--No, that's not true. She's a liar.What's wrong with you?Look, I know you would all be so happyif you thought I had some big emotional moment about my mom, but I didn't.So you don't miss your mom?Of course I do. She was a great lady.And she also left me a fantastic recipe for sauce, which now is getting cold.So can we please eat?- Hear, hear! - Just grab some wine.Oh, my Gosh, smell that.It smells like grandma's house.Hey, you guys remember that?I remember the first time I cut spaghetti.- Eh-eh! - That's what she did! Eh-eh!Yeah, no, you can't cut spaghetti.She taught me to twirl.Oh, so she's the one.Yeah, she was tough.I remember I had this little league coach.And one time after a game,he was laying into me about something.I don't remember.But mom comes charging out of the stands.She goes right up to the guy --I mean, face to face, nose to nose --And she says to him, "Let me tell you something -- "Nobody, and I mean nobody,"Yells at my littleBoy."Oh, my god! It's happening again!It's okay, Jay. Let it out.- Let it out. - You only get one mom.I'm sorry, mom!Me too!A bottle of red, a bottle of -- what?!Oh, yeah, and I'm the weak one.Mitchell?Oh, I'm good.Phil!- Dad! - Come on, honey!I'm sorry.- Ew, get off of me! - I'm sorry!Dada!Oh, I think she's calling you.Don't even try.I have that pottery class in the morning. Jay, let's go to bed.Be right up.Son of a bitch.。
