摩登家庭 -第5季第22集-字幕-对白-中英文对照-看美剧学英语-打印-word版

Traditional "First day of school" Pancakes.- Whipped-cream smile? - Dad, I'm in high school now. Just put it in my mouth.Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.Hey, save some of that bossing people aroundfor the office, lady.After a 20-year vacation,Claire is rejoining the work force.Not a vacation.But I am starting a job at my dad's closet company.He's kind of grooming me to take over.I have a background in marketing.I'm so proud of her.Oh, uh, speaking of marketing -- we're out of milk.I'm actually kind of nervous.You're gonna be great.And remember, if you get into a jam,just do the impression I taught you.Hey. You can hang your clothes in me.Christopher walk-in closet.I'm not doing that.Okay, relax, mom. You're working for grandpa.It's not even a real job.It's like that summer when I worked for dad.He was just trying to make me feel good about myself. He didn't really need my help.That's not true.I needed your help distributing all those fliers.And I did. Wink, wink.How are you already doing homework?It's junior year. I have to get good grades.Don't you know how competitive it is out there?Stop pressuring me!You know, this is what happens to kidswhen they're not sexually active.Don't you have some studying to do?Please, it's community college.They tell you to bring a glue stick.Hello.Yes, this is he -- him -- me.Right the first time.I'll be right there.Mitchell, that was it.That was the call. I'm going in.Due to budget cuts, my position as middle-school music teacher has been eliminated,So I've been working as a high-school sub.Ka-ching!I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action.I'm kind of like batman.But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.Yeah, you found the one difference.I hate to miss her first day,but do you mind taking Lily to school?Oh, Cam, today?I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie.I only get him for an hourbetween his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.Okay, you need to confront himand tell him his pathetic little midlife crisisis making it impossible for you to do your job.Because he responds so well to criticism.No, he'll fire me, and then we'll end uphaving to get married in your family's barn.Oh, well, we need to book that soonbecause spring is hoedown season,And then you get right into summer stock, so...I don't believe any of that.All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry.Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.Hey, I've been dressed for an hour.Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.Buddy, I know a new school can be scary,so a little advice --Every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment. Like, um, "I love your hair.""Awesome kicks." "You have a beautiful smile."Okay, dad, I'll tell that big guy over therethat he's got a beautiful smile.Fine. Skin, cheekbones, make it your own.Um, could you maybe not walk me all the way in? What?I've got it from here.Sure. Yeah. Okay. Give your dad a --Off you go. Alex!Ay, Manny, why are you so quiet?Are you nervous because of your first day in high school? Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia,I'm a changed man.Oh, my God, what did you see?!Nothing,but I am an international jet-setter now.I'm sophisticated.And you think that the girls are gonna pick up on this?If not, I still have my "Unaccompanied minor" Sign. Ay, I cannot believethat my little baby's going to the high school.Mom, stop. You're embarrassing me.It's my first day, too. I could use a hug.Go!- Hey, Gloria. - Hi, Phil.First day of high school, huh?Is Manny excited?Ay, he was up at 5:00 in the morning, ironing.Ay, but he does that, too, when he's depressed,so now I don't know.How was Luke?Great. Yeah, he had a hard time saying goodbye.But, um, anyway, I think I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee. - Can I go with you? - Yeah.Dude, I'm kind of working something here.How many trucks would that take?Give me a minute, Fred.New girl just walked in.That's disgusting. She's my daughter.Sweetheart, you look terrific.Are you sure?'cause I have another blouse in -- in here.It's the only thing in here, that and a pair of glassesIn case I need to read something or look smarter. Relax.It's your first day.Impossible to blow it. What are those?Oh, cookies -- I made them for the office.Huge mistake. Fred, two more seconds.I got a situation here. Put the cookies down.- Why? - You're management.Makes you look desperate.Makes you look like you want everyone to like you.I do want everyone to like me.You want everyone to respect you.You got to be tough. Keep your distance.Well, maybe we are different kinds of managers. Yeah, I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.Look at you, my big first-grader.All right, I want you to make so many friendsand have so much fun.Got to go! I can't wait to learn!- Be careful! - What?Nothing.Please do not be late. Let's go. Looking good.Uh, uh, Principal Brown?- Yes. - Hi. I'm Cameron Tucker.I was called in to sub today.Oh, yeah, you're in for Mrs. Hurley. Hello.- Hello. - She has come down with a sudden case of rehab. So do a good job'cause this could be a permanent position.Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vestbecause I'm about to "Be-dazzling" You.I don't know what that means, but okay.So, what am I teaching?A.P. History.I desperately wanted that job.There was just one problem --I don't know much about history.Do you know much biology?Not now, Mitchell.What about your science book or the French you took? You're lucky I love you.And I know that if you love me, too...*What a wonderful world this would beI really was in a jam, though.My dad thinks that he can motivate his workersby being a cold, distant authority figure.Well, if his style is so effective, riddle me this --why didn't I listen to him?Hey.Hi. Sorry. I'm Claire.It's my first day, so I thought I'd say hi.- Oh. Hey. - Amazing.You guys are actually hanging out by the water cooler.I have xerostomia. It's chronic dry mouth.I'm -- I'm so sorry.I-I-I-I was just doin' a thang, you know, like... Anyway,My door's always open... to everyone.That's Pritchett's daughter.Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think of me like that. I'm -- I'm a friend. I'm a colleague.I'm just like you.I'm Claire, you know -- worker bee, just...Great to meet you.Sorry to interrupt, and see you around.I do -- I got to do this one.Who am I?You can hang your clothes in me.Christopher walk-in closet.What is this?Oh, sorry, folks. It's closed. We're shooting a commercial. So annoying.Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.Actually, we're short a couple of extras.How would you two like to be in it?- Yes! - That sounds amazing.Hey, um, I see a couple of old people.This isn't one of those catheter commercials, is it?'Cause if it gets too descriptive,I'm gonna squirm.I just did it to myself.I did my best to cram for my lectureon the revolutionary war, but, ugh.All those names and dates -- it's all so dry.Where's the drama?Where's the drama?Good morrow!Oh, boy.Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn?Are you trappers from the Canadian provinces?Are you here to sell your beavers?Who are you?The 64-pence question.The 64-pence question.I crossed the Delaware during the Revolutionary War.I spent a brutal winter in Valley Forge.Who am I?I-I have no idea.I-I swear I don't know who this man is.I'm George Washington, of course.Our syllabus says we're supposed to coverNative Americans on the eve of colonization.Yes. Native Americans. Indians!A majestic, peaceful people,who lived off the land and cried when they saw litter. The textbook says many tribes were often at war, with allegiances shifting all of the ti--Shifting all the time!So, were the Indians friends with the Colonists or not? Ah! Yes.I know one Indianwho was friends with a construction worker, biker, and traffic cop.Uh, do y-- nothing?Seriously, nothing?Okay, your parents are gonna love that joke.Okay, Pritchett, I'm here. You got a half-hour.I have my helicopter standing by on the roof.Is it even built for that?No. That's why you only have a half-hour.Well, I'm not sure that's gonna be enough time.We have a ton to cover.We need to talk about new lease agreementsand the workers' comp package.29 minutes. I think I hear creaking.Daddy, I'm bored.Me, too.This is why I shouldn't come into work between vacations. Why don't you sit at Natalie's deskand pretend to be my assistant, sweetie?Sorry about that. My niece is coming to pick her up.Lily had an incident at school today where she --Hey, Pritchett,you're not some hot single mom i'm trying to seduce,so I don't need to hear about your kid.Fair enough. So, lease agreements.Okay, I'm getting some push-back on the Miami location. Mr. Pritchett, I have a Haley here to see you.Oh. Okay.Hi, sweetheart.I'm in the middle of a meeting with my boss,but thank you so much for helping me out.No problem.My last class is a pass/fail.And it's community college, so it's pass.Hi. Charlie Bingham.Look at your eyes.Oh. I-I can't.I like you.What do you think of these pants?It's part of our new collection.It's, uh, a lot of zippers.It's too many, right?And they poke into my thigh when I'm in my helicopter.'Cause I have a helicopter. It's not a big deal.Okay, so, anyway, thank you.You seem to know a lot about fashion.I'd like to get your opinion on a few things.- Sure. - Yeah?- Yeah. - Actually, no, she -- she needs to stay and watch Lily. Yeah, you can do that.Hey, princess. Hey.I love kids.Daddy's office.You sound like a little girl.Hey, you wanted to see me?Thanks for "Bzzzing" By.I hope you weren't in the middle of a "Thang."Okay, that did get a little away from me.But to be fair, I broke the ice.Everybody thinks you're a dummy.Not everybody. No, as a matter of fact,One of the guys in the break room asked me to lunch.- His name is Todd. - Don't say Todd.Oh, no.You cannot go to lunch with Todd.Why not?You can't be associated with him.Up until an hour ago,he was the office weirdo.But he was nice to me,And he helped me set up my computer.Yeah, that's his job. For now.What does that mean?I'm firing him as soon as I can find an I.T. Guywho shows up on timeand doesn't creep out the office.I can't cancel on the one person who was nice to me.You can, but you won't,'cause you're the type of person who brings cookies to the office. Where are they?Okay, we're done here.Okay, folks, you're just having a normal conversation,a typical day in a coffee shop, all right?Roger that.Here we go, guys.And...action!How have you been, Roy?Ah, a little down.Helen and I really miss the kids,But we just can't afford to visit them right now.- Have you considered a reverse mortgage? - What's that?- You have equity in your home, right? - This coffee is delicious! All right, you two in the back, we can hear you,So just mime your conversation.Mime -- mime -- I knew that.I was already doing that, so just follow my lead.Okay, sorry, sorry. We'll do it again.But everything else is okay?You haven't done anything else.- So, yeah? - Back to one, guys.Action.How have you been, Roy?Ah, a little down.Helen and I really miss the kids,But we just can't afford to visit them right now.- Have you considered a reverse mortgage? - What's that?You have equity in your home, right?- Sure, we do. - What are they doing?Is she answering an imaginary phone?Oh, that sounds too good to be true.Don't take my word for it.Here's Henry Winkler to tell you more.Okay, cut.Couple in the back.Yep. No, I know. I know. Bigger?The native Americans and the settlershad two completely different ideas of land ownership. Eventually, these differences would lead to war.Oh. Look, goose bumps.Okay, yes. Uh, class dismissed.We did it!Thank you so much for stepping in. Oh, and I promise, Tomorrow, I will do my best to be more prepared. Tomorrow? Why won't Mrs. Hurley be back?Well, I don't want to be indelicate,But the good news is, is I might be your permanent teacher. - I don't want you to be my permanent teacher. - Oh, what? You'd rather have a raging alcoholic?Listen to me.I've worked nonstop to build the perfect academic record, And I'm not going to let you screw it up now.I have an A.P. Test in 160 days,and I need to ace it.Can you get me there or not?I can rally like the brave men of the Alamo.You do realize that all the men of the alamo died?They all died!Ruthie's older, so she thinks she's the boss.But for a little guy, Stu holds his own.They can be a handful.But, god, they make me laugh so hard, you know?I did not know you could even tell the gender of a turtle. Oh, yeah.It's called "Sexing the turtle," And it's an eight-step process. Now, let's pretend your hand is a turtle.- Okay. - What you do is you flip it over.And then you have to look right into --Oh, okay. I get it. I get it. I think I get it.Oh. I know. I'm droning on, aren't I?Please, stop. Please stop!You're not. You're not.I am. But enough about my family.Tell me about yours.All right, well, my husband Phil's a realtor.That's funny. I'm buying a house.Why? When?Actually, we have the final walk-through today,Sign the papers tomorrow.Th-that's a really big deal, Todd.Yeah, and it's a bit of a stretch for us, too,But, uh, no, the time is right.We're just -- we're gonna do it."We" is you and the turtles?No, me and my wife.A w-- I'm sorry.You didn't mention your wife. That's great.I bet she's got a big, fancy, high-paying job, right?Uh, she's getting her master's.- In? - Latin.Oh, Todd.This may not be the best time to buy a house.I hate to be the one to break this to you --Oh. No, no, no, no, I got this.No, you don't.Stand by, everyone.I really felt like I nailed that last one.I still feel so stiff.I don't know what to pretend saying.You're thinking too much. Just draw from your own life. Like, how was your day today?Lousy. My own son didn't want to hug me.Okay, so use that.My character, Dr. Stephen Wilson,Is also sad because his son wouldn't take his adviceAnd he wanted to be dropped off a block away from school.He expected that from his daughtersBut thought his son would be different.That's so sad.But Dr. Stephen wilson is not going to let thatruin breakfast with his mistress.You know, maybe it's just time for us to --to accept that we have to let them go.Maybe it is.Okay, everyone, here we go. We're rolling.And action!How have you been, Roy?Ah, a little down.Helen and I really miss the kids,But we just can't afford to visit them right now.- Have you considered a reverse mortgage? - What's that? Uh, you have equity in your home, right?- Sure, we do. - Please, no crying.You're gonna make me cry, too.Well, essentially the bank buys your house.But you still get to live in it.That sounds too good to be true.Don't take my word for it.Here's Henry Winkler to tell us more.Here's Henry Winkler to tell us more.I don't want the Fonz to see me like this.It's a prototype. It can withstandthe most extreme temperatures on the planet.It's waterproof, and it wicks sweat.It also repels women.I know. I hate it. I'll burn it tonight!Aah! Actually, it doesn't burn.Anyway, if we could get back to the lease agreements here. You're amazing. How would you fix it?It's too boxy.Probably have to take it in here...- Right. - ...and here.Yeah, I probably overdo it in the gym.Stupid 7% body fat.Okay, so getting back to work.We are working. Why are we working?!I got to go to Cabo. Hey, you want to come with me? Oh, I've, uh, never been to Cabo.Yeah, she's not going to cabo 'cause she's half your age.- How old are you? - Who cares?Pretty soon, I'm gonna look 20.I've been meditating in one of those pressurized eggs. Well, if I went to cabo,what would the sleeping situation be?Not much.Okay, no, that is enough! No! No!She is my niece!Okay?This pathetic midlife crisis of yoursis -- is hurting the company,and I'm getting so sick of cleaning up your messes.Y-you need to focus and you need to start acting your age -- Your -- your real age, not your egg age.Normally, if someone talked to me that way, I'd fire him. But I respect your honesty. I respect your passion.It's like me. I'm a very passionate man.Just focus.You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.What's that creaking?Hut! Hike!Oh, hey, you're going the wrong way!That's the wrong way! No!Wait. I'm sorry. You're right.Uh, excuse me, principal Brown.Yikes. You know, most subs just play a movie.All right, do something different, guys.Uh, listen, I-I can't be your history teacher.Those kids work so hard, and they deserve someonewho knows the material and can inspire them, so...If you say so.Hey, I was wondering,what kind of play was that you were running?Was that supposed to be a slant?Our freshman coach quit.I'm just a glorified babysitter.Well, your receiver needs to learn to run his routes, or the quarterback's never gonna be able to hit him. - I-I played in college. - Oh. Okay.Hey, Tyler, you need to learn to run your routes. What routes?Yeah, what routes?Well, you're gonna line up here.Take three steps.One, two, three -- plant right,Open left 45 degrees up the field.Okay, why don't we try it again?Try it again! Tip!Put some zip on the ball, 18!Hut, hut, hike!Hit him!Better. Better. Good job. Circle back up.All right, anyway, thank you for the opportunity. Hey, hey, how would you like to take over this team? Well, well, that's an interesting offer.- How much does it pay? - Nothing.Are you firm on that?Yeah, but there's a gym-teacher position available. - It's all yours if you coach. - Can I wear shorts? Yeah, and you get a whistle, too.Oh, I always get a whistle when I wear shorts.I humbly accept your offer.Huddle up, boys! Let's go! Hustle!Do you know what hustle means, 10?!It really wasn't bad.Todd is a very interesting guy when you get to know him. Did he tell you about his turtles, little Lulu and Stan? Ruthie and Stu.That's the name he picks?"Turtle stew"? Idiot!Well, there was one little situation that came up,but I think I handled it pretty well.- He's about to make, um, kind of a big -- Hold on. Margaret, why can't I log in here?What's wrong with my computer?The whole system's down.No one can access files. We can't get online.Where's Todd?We can't find him anywhere, and his yaris is gone.- Where are my files?! - What the hell?I-I might know a little something about this.What did you do?Kind of told Todd that you were gonna fire him.- What?! - I had to.Dad, he's about to buy a house.But he was fine with it.He hugged me and thanked meand told me that it gave him time to make a plan. Gentlemen, today is a new beginning.And that can be scary.How did it go, Mr. Jet-setter?Good. Really good.Do you want to talk about it?No.I'm gonna ask things of you that may not make sense right now. See you tomorrow, Luke.Not if I see you first.There it is! There's that smile.But they will.- Hey, dad. - Hey, buddy.- We're at school. - Yep.Success is not guaranteed.It is not handed to you.Success is earned.How's that data entry going?Good. I am up to 1998.Ah, that's when I'd already been doing the job 20 years.So maybe I should listen to you?Get you home a lot earlier.Thanks, boss.Today, we are forging a new path, people!The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!Wrong president.- Just keep pushing! - Okay.。

Okay, big day for this household.It certainly is. So exciting.Nothing like starting a new job.Or finally coming into your own at a job you already have. The promise of something new.The rewards finally being --Opposite things being equally good.- Cheers. - Yes.I have accepted a job at the C.F.J.,The -- the Center For Justice.Not, it turns out,a secret headquarters for superheroes.No, it -- it kind of is.It's a legal-aid societyfounded by a law-school friend of mine.I will be an advocate for the people,a voice for the voiceless.And just as important...Oh, thank you.Tonight, I am chaperoning the Spring-A-Ding-Fling,a fundraiser, a dance,which, under my stewardship,has shattered school records.And I added the "A-ding."It used to just be called the Spring Fling.I should have said my thing first.Hey, guys.For my opening number tonight -- be honest. Does it look like I have anything on under this? Tonight is the SCARB.Southern California Annual Realtors' Banquet.It is the banquet for southern California realtors. Literally, it's the only one.And this guy is the only two-time host --Three-time.three-time host in the history of the event. Unfortunately, I have to miss it this year.It's for the best.She's invisible at these things.It's tough being married to the rock star. Luckily, I lined up a substitute date.Dad. You're still up.Yeah, just working on some jokes for the banquet. Hey, how'd you like to come with me?I would love to!Not surprised she said yes.That girl's got real estate in her blood.She used to come with me to open houseswhen she was little.We may have even talked abouta father/daughter partnership.Yeah, she's been drifting a little lately,but I think a tasteof regional real-estate's most glamorous nightmight just re-ignite that flame.I can't believe I have to go to this thing.But what choice did I have?I would love to!But you're not gonna have those cookies without milk, right? Right.Come on, Phil.Break area.Copier.My stinky dog.Oh, look at you.You just threw up recently. Okay.Oh, my gosh.That's you and Michelle Obama.That's my aunt.I am so sorry.I don't know why I thought that --Calm down, white guilt.It's Michelle Obama.Oh, good, yeah.Yeah, you've accomplished a lot in 15 years. Professionally, yeah.I haven't had a date in six months.Some sundays, I drive out to visit my frozen eggs.But, on the plus side,I have gotten really close with my mom. Oh, look at that. I see the resemblance. That's Maya Angelou.Damn it.It's signed, Mitch.Yeah. I see that.This is gonna be fun!I know!- I'm just really looking for - You! What was that outfit last night?That was a business dinner!What is wrong with you?Wendy, I tried.Well, try harder.Ooh, here's your office.Okay.Oh, this is nice.Yeah. Dennis liked it...until he didn't.I'll check on you later.Okay. All right.Let's see here.Let's see here.New guy?Uh, yes. Hi. I'm Mitchell Pritchett.Dan.Hope you don't have any plans for Sunday night. Dan! What are you still doing here?Go!Sorry.Right.That way!Oh, no.Oh, no.I do love it in leather.Well, learn to love it in silk.It's too hot outside to be wearing leather.I'm talking about this car.Oh, by the way,I do the negotiating at the dealership today.Why?Honey, I'm a businessman.When it comes to people,I know how to get what I want out of them.This watch --The man sold it to me for half of what he was asking. These -- a third.These -- for free.So, who's better at working people, Mr. Businessman? Fine. We have different approaches,but we're both pretty good.Hello, Mitch.Hey, buddy.You look like you want to get up and walk.Late bloomer -- fine.Who cares if the other kidscall you "Slo-Joe"?And they do, you know.Bye-bye.We're gonna have to reschedule the car shopping. Mitch has to work.Cam has to dance.We have to sit Lily.- What? - Nothing.Just -- I could have got us out of that.Stop!- Eat it! - Get off me!Eat the grass, cow!- Hi, Rhonda. - Hi, Mrs. Dunphy.Hey, mom.Honey, it's getting very close to time for the dance. Shouldn't you go in and get changed?I did already.The guys are coming by.We're gonna ride from here.What about you, Rhonda?You want to go in and get cleaned up?- I'm good. - Are you?What about that dirt on your face?Luke, you wait here.Ride with your friends.I will bring Rhonda. Come on.Just, um, give me a good shake like a dogbefore you go inside.I know.And my dad has three tattoos.Like, "Why? You're a dad."Ew! It's so sad when parents try.My mom double-pierced one of her ears,and I'm like, "Hello!You're 50."It's so old, like, ancient to have an ear piercing.Uh, you two decide to go to the dance?Well, yeah, but not really.- But, yeah. - What?We're going ironicallyto make fun of all the kids who make a big deal out of it. "Ironic"? My ass.Alex likes Drew.She's just playing it safe.Now, there are the pushy, obnoxious momswho try and get involved,nudge them towards one another.We mean well.Fancy shirt, coach Tucker.Oh, thank you. You know what I like to say.I might be coach,but I travel first class.So, what would you thinkabout giving the opening remarks at the dance tonight? The arts committee has never made this much,and it's all because of you.Oh, you guys, when I came to this school six months ago, I never would have imagined you would embrace me. Excuse me? Is this a chem lab?Because I'm looking for a big reaction.And there it is.Hi. How are --Who is this?How was sabbatical?Amazing.I'm rested and ready......to take another vacation.And how are we supposed to know him?Senor Kaplan, legendary Spanish teacher.You know, my heart went out to him a littlebecause he left as everyone's favorite,and I'm sure word got out about, you know...me.I just didn't want him to feel displaced.Okay. Excuse me, big guy.Gifts for everyone.Angela, this is fresh from Anuradhapura. And, uh, Karen,you might want to eat some chapati with that. And this is for, um --- It's Marcia. - Marcia!Right, of course. I knew that.I must have been having a "Senor" moment. Somebody's always on.Who did this?What happened?Somebody knocked my bag downand broke my phone.Lily, do you know anything about this?He did it.Joe.Yep. I'm going to go and play.She lies.How could Joe pull a bag off a table?He can't even walk.I'll talk to her.Why you?Because you're such a businessmanthat knows how to talk to people?Trust me. When I get done talking to her,not only will she have confessed to the crime, I might even sell her a closet.I remember my buddiesand I were playing rock war once.That's a gamewhere you chuck rocks at each other's heads. What could go wrong, right?I put one through the windowof my old man's Rambler,and he thought my baby brother did it.I couldn't take it,and I told him I did it.It felt so good to confess,and my old man was so proud of me,I didn't even get in any trouble.Y-you know?Joe did it.She's good.Watch and learn.I don't think that cleavage thingis gonna work with this one.That's not my only trick.Hola, Lily.Where did grandpa go?Don't worry about Jay.It's only you and me here now.So, tell me.Which one of these is your favorite? Fine.One by one,they will disappear.Sooner or later,we'll get to the one that you love. Ladies and gentlemen,he's the emperor of escrow.He puts the toot in tooter.Let's put your hands together for Phil Dunphy!Thanks for the kind introduction, me.Now, unlike past years...I'm not gonna stand up hereand talk your ears off.No, ladies and gentlemen.You deserve more.This year,I'm gonna sing them off.*I'm selling away*Set an open house for Saturday*A gathering of agents*Appeared in caravan*I'm a new divorce*Now I need a house*That's cat-friendlyThey say the greatsnever let anything affect their performance.Well, maybe the greats never had a daughterwho checked out during the third of five plannedreal-time, mid-performance wardrobe changes.I'm not gonna lie.It knocked me off my game.*On the boardIs this part of it?No.It's not part of it.In law school,Wendy Kirk could be a little intense.I always hoped that she'd soften over time, but......some people go the other way.This place is a nightmare.The conditions are deplorable,and no one should have to sufferthis kind of abuse on a daily basis.What kind of tyrant has such utter disregard for human life?I can't do this.You have to.Wendy needs to hear it.Yeah, but I'm nervous. You know, what if she --- Mitchell. - Yes! Hi!I just had a great idea.I think you would be the perfect person to groom Rex.I think you would be the perfect person to groom Rex. E-excuse me?I just think he'd really respondto someone like you, you know?Y-you don't mind, right?Uh, uh, no. No, not at all.Great. Thanks.Will you go over and introduce yourself?I-intro-- okay.- Okay. Yeah. - Thank you.Hello. I'm Mitchell.And, apparently, this is my job now.Oh, god, you smell.People are looking at me.That's because you let me make you beautiful.Stop it. Am I?Yes, you are.Have fun.Go. Go.Drew. Hey, Drew.Having fun?"Fun"? Uh...okay.Oh, Drew. Drew, listen.Phil and I are gonna be out really late tonight,so there will not be an adult at the housewhen you drop Alex off,if you know what I mean.Yeah, don't worry.I'll, uh-- I'll drop her off,and I won't go in.Well... big house,you know... cute daughter--I would not be opposed to you walking her in, keeping her company until we get back.Like I said,we will not be back until late.I hear you, Mrs. Dunphy.You can trust me.Well, gonna have to trust you because we have no way of knowing what you're gonna get up to.In fact, if your car is blocking the driveway,I'll just honk twiceand wait for you to come out.- Okay. - Okay.Go get her, tiger. Come on.Nice job, Tucker.I mean, you made so many choicesthat I never would have made,but a lot of them are working.Oh, well, you know,I just watched the videosof the many, many dances you plannedand just built off that one on idea.Hey, kids!There are my little chalupas!Um, what did you do to Rhonda?I cleaned her up.No, you broke her.I hate her like this.She looks fantastic.To you!Fix her. Ugh, it confuses me.Oh, Luke."The house will be empty"?You are pimping me out!It is clear that the two of you like one another. Sometimes, you need a little nudge.Well, you're a chaperone!Just disappear!This dance is not for you!You're lucky that's water.Damn it.She's been stewing in there for an hour.I say let's lock the door,cut the power.Let's show her that we mean business.Let's try the joint approach first..."Gitmo."Let's try the joint approach first..."Gitmo." Okay, we've been going over your story,and it doesn't add up.My purse was too high for Joe to reach.He's tall enough to reach up here.He knocked over the baby powdertrying to get my stuffed animals.Not buying it.Look. You can see the footprints where he walked. Walk?Lily, Lily, Lily.Joe can't walk.He does for me.So, you have ways of making him walk?Lily, just admit that you did it.Come here, Joe.Come here like you did before.Honey, you're embarrassing yourself.- Come here, Joe. - He can't walk.He's walking!The candles that I lit worked!Look at the stride on him.He's as surefooted as a mountain goat.Told you.I'm so sorry that we doubted you.Boy, did I get lucky.I'm going to blame everything on himuntil he learns how to talk.This guy waltzes in here like he's king of the dance after doing god knows what in Sri Lanka,building schools in underdeveloped areas.What does that even mean?Is it possible that you're being a little hard on the man?I turned his two-bit dance into the event of the year. Look. Burnouts and dweebshanging out together in harmony.That is me.I'm sorry, Cam.Oh, don't feel sorry for me.Next is faculty dance.Kaplan can't move.It's on his Tumblr.It's on his Tumblr.It's his big shame.Trust me.He can't touch this.Okay, time now for the faculty dance.Go, teachers.Oh, are you sure?Stop. It's "Cammer" Time.Mind if I join you, coach?While on sabbatical,I learned a thing or two from Sri Lanka's own Chitrasena.I learned a thing or two from Sri Lanka's own Chitrasena.I don't know who that is,and it's annoying when you say thingslike people are supposed to know!That pathetic peacock of a manwas not going down without a fight.I had a choice to make --be the better dancer or the bigger man.So, I stepped off the dance floorand made the obvious call.You want to win over a crowd?Invite a lonely mom to dance.She never saw it coming,and neither did he.Hey Senor.You just got out-coached.I try and look on the bright side of things.I-I'm a doggy-bath-is-half-fullkind of guy.But it was time for me to open my eyes.I was working for a monster.I came to this job to be the voice of the downtrodden. Turns out those downtrodden were my co-workers,and they were desperate for a hero to slay their dragon. Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.Um, Rex, how's it going with Mitchell?The new guy?I haven't met him yet.That's weird. I asked him to introduce himself.hey, has anybody seen my dog?Pixie!Oh, there she is.Okay, Wendy, I'm sorry.I-I have something to say to you,something that everybody else here is afraid to say. Now, I know you're fighting the good fight,but that is no excuse for the way you treat people.T-that actually might be one of the reasonsthat you have no personal lifebecause who wants to come hometo a-a cold, emotionless...thug?W-what are you talking about?I am an experienced, respected attorney,and on my first day,you asked me to bathe Rex.I'm not comfortable with that.And I'm not comfortable with that,but I did it.Okay, that's Pixie.This is Rex,the intern I asked you to groom.And that is my mistake,and I own that.But that is still no excusefor the way that you tore into himfor the outfit he wore yesterday.I was talking about the outfit he picked out for me. Apparently, I have the one gay intern in the world with absolutely no fashion sense.I was unaware of -- of this dynamic.But I-I-I'm not alone here, all right?There are people in this room who feel that you are -- How did we say it? --you are a tyrant with no regard for human life.That sounds like my summation for the slum-lord case. Oh, hey, you finished it?It's wonderful.But he's nervous to show you.Why are you so hard on yourself?Okay, but w-w-what --what about you making us work on sundays?That -- the night of my barbecue?Dan?What are you still doing here?It's your anniversary! Go home!Oh, god. This isn't happening.No, no. She's -- she's crazy.I mean, I saw her attack the vending machine.That's the only way it works since Dennis broke it.Dennis is the guy whose office I took?Yeah, he was the machine's best customeruntil he started running.One day, he said he's got to get out or --He would die. Okay. Okay.Wendy, um...I-I might owe you a little bit of an apology,so I'm sorry.Um, clearly, everybody here loves you,and I-I was wrong about everything.So...I'm sorry.You know, you -- you weren't wrong about everything.I mean, look, I do joke about it, but you're right.I'm alone.And that is not the first time that someone has called me cold. Okay, those eggs...those eggs came out of me frozen.And I'm impossibly tall.And even if I could find somebody to love me,they -- they wouldn't be able to reach.No -- hey, hey. Come on.You're -- you're an amazing woman.She's an amazing woman.And you -- you're a-a role model.You're a hero.I'm a 6-foot hero.No. Come on.You're surrounded by people who love you.Here's Dan and Rex.Me. Come here.All the way up to Samuel L. Jackson there.That's your mother in a Kangol hat, isn't it? Yeah.Um, are you sure you know what you're doing, Tad?I know you're the Mortgage Doctor, but -- Someone said, "Is there a doctor in the house?" Was I supposed to not get up?Hey, dad. You need any help out of that dress?Not unless you want to see mein nothing but a baby new year's diaper.That was the big finishto the song you were texting through.Hey, I got one text. I saw most of the show --We're leaving, okay?Could you just go to the tableand grab my keys and purse?Fine.You want to talk about it?How many kinds of fake doctor are you? Okay, time for the big award of the night, The ROY...I don't even know why I'm mad at her. Probably just 'cause she was so bored all night. Maybe you're feeling rejected?It's my own fault.I built up this hopethat she'd want to follow me into real estate. ...Phil Dunphy.She's got her own life now.I just don't know where we connect anymore. You won.- What?! - Yeah.Help me up!As we all know,Phil had a little accident tonight,but we're happy to accept- this award on his behalf. - Wait, wait, wait. Wait, w-w-w-w-wait!I got this.Hi. I'm, uh,I'm haley, Phil's daughter.Dad, you won the ROY!You all know him as an amazing realtor,but I know him as the world's greatest dad.As far as I'm concerned,he's the dad of the year,the "DOY."It really is a shamethat you didn't hear the rest of his act tonight.I-I heard him rehearsing it.Which one of you is J.J. McCubbin?Oh. Hey, quick question, J.J. --Why is a great mortgage ratelike your wife in bed?Once a month and low interest.What are you laughing at, Skip Woosnum?You haven't seen a commissionsince you joined the navy.She is killing it.That's my girl.I would have hit the word "Navy" harder.What else? What else?Oh! Margaret Furman's here.Little heads-up to her date --She's been upside-down in more houses than Fannie Mae. Or, in her case, Fannie definitely will.We all want people to think the best of us...So sometimes we cover things upto protect ourselves.But we don't have to be afraid...Because the truth is always a good thing.The truth sets us free......brings us closer.So, do you want to tell usHow Joe's shoes ended up on the wrong feet?I guess the little guy knows how to put on his own shoes. There you go, buddy. You got this.What are you doing?Since Joe can walk now,I figured he should be doing a few chores.Steady, big guy!Chores? What kind of --There he is.Attaboy!Attaboy!A beer? Are you crazy?Where you going? You want some?He'll bring it to you.I can't believe that you're teaching him to do that.Wait till you see part two.Attaboy.Relax, it was me.。

Okay, everybody. Cake time!Thank god. I really have to study.Oh, sweetheart, can't you just take a minute to enjoy it? It's your birthday.You put too much pressure on yourself.I remember my sweet 16.I wanted a theme party."Moonstruck" had just come out, but I hadn't, so --No stories, no time --S.A.T.s.Here we go, everybody.Wait, wait.We all know why we're here.- Ay, honey, you missed one. - I know!I know I missed one! I'm not an idiot!There! Happy?!- You're being a little... - Obstreperous?! Recalcitrant?! Truculent?!I was gonna say "Cray-cray."Alex, sweet...I really need to focus!There is a 16-year-old science prodigystudying cancer research at Johns Hopkins!16! What am I doing?!I'm eating cake!No, no, no.Cake! Cake! Cake!Alex might be a little bit fragile after last night,so let's try to be sensitive.Oh, believe me -- I am going to benothing but nice to Alex from now on.If she snaps and goes on a rampage,who do you think she's coming for first?She's not going on a rampage.I bet she'd let me live. She likes me.I'm just gonna say it -- I never trusted her.Oh, everybody just be normal.We're gonna treat her exactly the way we usually do. And there she is.- Hi, pretty girl. - How'd you sleep?- Fine. - Your hair looks super-soft, Al.And is that a great new sweater? Love!Dad, can you hand me the butter knife?No!Haley, Luke, upstairs, please.Thank you.Thanks.So, about my meltdown.- Who? - What meltdown?I want to see a therapist. I did some research.Dr. Gregory Clark -- highly recommended, specializes in teenagers, and is covered by our insurance.I booked a double session with him today.And since you guys have the open house,I will be taking the bus.- Okay. - That sounds good.She's like a self-cleaning oven.Check it out.I'm rockin' the old school for the open house today.I'm gonna put the "Fizz" back in "Phys Ed."I'm gonna put the "Fizz" back in "Phys Ed."I love it -- all of it.- Really? - Yeah.Because I want to make a good impression today.I want to be the teacher all the parents are talking about. Well, that explains the socks.What?There's a caste system at school --Academic teachers at the top, gym teachers at the bottom. It's offensive and disrespectful.They treat us like we're lunch ladies.Hey, there, neighbor.- It's Asher, right? - Yeah.Um, I just wanted to let you know --I think there might be something- wrong with your air conditioner. - Oh, really?Yeah, I mean, it just seems to be running a lot,even when it's, uh, kind of cool outside.No, no.Um, my partner runs a little hot.Not as hot as our planet.Sorry. I don't mean to be that guy.It's just, um, we're all in this together.Yeah, I drive a Prius, so...And that's a nice little gesture.My car runs on reclaimed cooking oil.I have some literature, if you want it.That's okay. Save the paper.I haven't printed anything since 2004.I was gonna e-mail you.On your power-hungry computer?My entire house is solar-powered.I sell energy back to the gridand use that money to save polar bears.I'm an environmental lawyer,so, you know, I'm pretty green.So is your lawn.I went drought-tolerant --Succulents, indigenous plants, rock garden.My other daddy says your yard looks like a litter box. She's a cute kid.I remember when she was in disposable diapers.Are you ready?Yeah.Why do you look like that when I look like this?My friends say it's because of your money.No, I'm just saying why is she all dressed upfor a school open house?I want to impress Manny's history teacher.I want Manny to go to Washington, D.C.Yeah, Junior Congress.Only one kid in the whole grade gets picked to go.I think I can make a difference.Regular Congress can't even make a difference.Don't worry, Manny. I have it covered.You just go and enjoy your date.I have a date. It's no big deal.D-don't make a whole thing about it.What did I do with my car keys?I mean, we're just friends now,but I have a good feeling.I know -- don't get ahead of myself.Every time I put them down.What is her name?Either Zoe or Piper.How can you be going on a date and you don't know her name? This is where it gets interesting.I seriously doubt that.A few days ago, we almost let a girl come between us.- Who is she? - The new girl.- She's pretty. - Super-pretty.Dibs.What?! N-no. You can't call dibs.She's a human being with feelings,not the front seat.Then a miracle happened.Twins -- each as pretty as the other.It's funny -- Luke and I don't usuallygo for the same kind of girl.Yeah. I like to describe my type as "Gettable".What are you doing, Tucker?Oh, hey, Principal Brown.Do you know how other teachers drone on and onto parents with their boring lectures?Well, I thought I would go another way.Oh. Well, I don't like the sound of that at all.I think you will.I'm gonna spice things up with a spirited game of dodgeball. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.Okay, before you say "No"...I already said "No."...let me show you my whole bit.Howdy, folks.My name's Tucker.I'm the Sheriff of Dodge...ball."Laugh, laugh, laugh."And then --No, no "then." No.Have you seen the shape some of these folks are in? We don't need a parent dropping dead in here. Look, this is the "Dolphin Den."I am not renaming itthe Harvey K. Mandelbaum memorial gym.But I was gonna divide everybody up intoBut I was gonna divide everybody up intothe Hatfield and McCoys.Just no dodgeball.Hello, Mr. Ingram.I am Gloria Delgado-Pritchett,Manny's mother.Yes, of course.I just wanted to thank you so much.He thinks the world of you.You know, as a child of an immigrant,he can look at the world with such a fresh perspective. And talking about fresh,I brought you some empanadas.Subtle.Hey, Phil. Where's Claire?Oh, she's going to Alex's classes.I'm doing Luke's.I'm surprised to see you here.Isn't your team playing today?Yeah. Gloria made me come.I think I'm recording the game,but, you know, you can never know.The last time, I got six hours of Bravo.And who knows?Maybe Manny's going to be the first Latino President. Hello, Mr. Ingram.Dr. Donna Duncan,Wesley's mom.Just brought you a little thank-youfor being his absolute favorite teacher ever.- Those cupcakes are so white. - Thank you.Dr. Donna Duncan.I'm Gloria.We've met several times.Oh, of course.Mario's mom.Manny.And how is he fitting in now? Better? Anyway...Here she is.You brought a flask to an open house?You want some? It's Scotch.No. Put it away.Don't be such a goody-goody.Taste it. It's older than you are.- I don't want any scotch. - Well, just smell it.- Fine. - Mr. Dunphy, is that a flask?No. It is. It I--Uh, I was -- it's his.No, it's not.For the record, no alcohol is allowed on school premises. For god's sake, Phil,it's 2:00 in the afternoon.So, Alex, tell me why you're here.I had a little meltdown last night,and I'm afraid it'll happen again.But, this time, in the middle of the S.A.T or something. Why do you think you melted down?I'm stressed.It's my junior year.Part of me feels likethe limbic system in my brain's a bit off.That's a thing, right? I did some research.You know I charge the sameeven if you diagnose yourself?I'm just trying to move this along.I have a lot to do.Well, uh, this is a process.You know, it takes some time.What -- what are you thinking?- Nothing. - No, no. Go ahead. Tell me.That maybe you're not up for this.I mean, no offense.You're just a lot older than you look on your website.Did you even have S.A.T.s when you were in high school or Asian kids?Oh, no. no, no, no.But there were other things I worried about --Spanish inquisition,sailing off the edge of the world,learning how to understand fire.Sorry.- You mind if we try something? - What?Just do me a favor.Take a deep breath.Great.Now... what's on your mind?Well... I just remembered that I forgotto charge my computer before I leftand that I have to get new index cards before Monday. Hopefully they don't run out of the blue ones,because, for some reason, those help me study better. Maybe it's because they're easier to reador maybe my prescription's getting worse.I should probably make an appointment with the eye doctor. Also, should I get a job this summeror would an internship look better on my application? And what is up with Hillary?Is she going to run or not?I mean, I feel like she'd totally understandthe feeling of being overwhelmed,but also like you're not doing enough at the same time. Hey, Nina, how's Sanjay?Oh, great. Thanks.He's just dealing with the S.A.T.s and the A.C.T.s. And that merit scholarship applicationeveryone's so stressed about.What -- what application?Let's begin by talking about the A.P. Physics test, which, as you know, takes place on...May 21st.With Luke and Haley,I'm on top of everything because they aren't.But Alex is so self-sufficient,I just sort of put it in cruise control.I've fallen asleep at the wheel,and now my little genius is covered in cake.Now, a list of practice tests I recommendthe students take before then3a, 4c, 12a through "f,"18d, 19a, 23c,24g, 25h, 26a...Meanwhile, a great artist like Bob Dylanwould get voted off in the first round, which --If you wet the end,it will stick to his face.You're a genius.Piper, that's rude.You know, Manny, in chorus,we sing "Blowin' in the wind."Now that's blowin' in the wind.You're funny, Luke.Manny and I need to use the restroom.We do?You've got to switch with me.What? No, we can't do that.They're twins. They'll never notice.You realize we're not twins, right?Special dollhouse delivery for Lily!It's here, it's here!I think you're going to love it.I spent so many hours playing with this when I was your age. Yeah, me too.Hey, quick, turn off your car.Why? It's in park, I think.I have a judgey green neighbor.He had the nerve to come over hereand tell me that I'm not green enough.Shut up! You're super-green.Thank you. I'm -- I'm recycling a dollhouse.I even recycled a child.- Didn't you win some award? - Yes, yes.The state bar association award for sustained excellencein the field of environmental...yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one.w. There was one word left.You didn't have to cut me off.Dollhouse, please.Okay. Yeah, in a minute.You know what you should do?March right over thereand wave that trophy in his stupid eco face.No. You think?Yes. Those people are so annoying.There's this girl at my schoolwho was all over me about my boots 'cause they're leather. Meanwhile, she's wearing Crocs,like those aren't endangered.You know what? I am gonna do that.Show him to out-green me.- Okay. Oh, no. - Oh, no.All right, those are blowing into his yard.That is -- okay, that's definitely gonna hurt my case. Uh, you pick these up.I'm gonna go get the trophy. Lily, help her.I heard that "recycled child" comment.Thanks to your little flask,now the teacher thinks I'm a burnout.Football game.Football game!- What are you doing? - You can do this now.I saw it in a commercial.Not with that phone.You might as well say it into your wallet.Come on. We're gonna be late for math.I'm not going to any more boring classes.You're just gonna cut?No,I'm just not gonna go because I'm in my 60s. Teacher's lounge.They got a TV in here.- We can't go in the teacher's lounge. - Why not?- Um, it's for teachers only. - You're a teacher.Right now, you're teaching me how to be a little bitch. Jay, don't. Jay.Jay!So, when do you think you'll be making your decision? Oh, sometime in the next week or so.Oh, take your time. It would be rude to rush you.Not as rude as interrupting two peoplein the middle of a conversation.Well, actually, I'll go.I'm gonna go grab some coffee.Good idea because those cupcakes look very dry.Okay. This is unbelievable.They just gave me four books on applying to top colleges. When am I gonna have time to read all this?Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.I didn't see you there. Come on, girls.Oh, she's so mean.- Everybody sees me. - Who was that?Dr. Dooda Dada.She thinks that she can flirt her son all the way to Washington, but I'm gonna take her down.I would love to chat, but I got to get to A.P. Calc.Physical education is a critical part of every school day.As we develop the mind, so we must the body.This begins with good nutrition, uh, physical activity, sportsmanship, and attention to personal hygiene.No, please, please, please don't go.I know this is boring, but this isn't my idea.I wanted to play a spirited game of dodgeball, but --That sounds fun. I'll play dodgeball.I'll play, too.Anything's got to be better than this.Oh, well, you know what?We're really not supposed to, but you know what?Hey, guys, listen to this. My name's Cam.I'm the sheriff of Dodge...ball.Okay, you guys are the Hatfields.You are the McCoys.Mr. Mandelbaum, I'd like you to stay seated. You're gonna be our referee.All right, everybody, let's dodgeball! Dodgeball was a smash.Dr. Donna and Gloria were like two assassins just picking off their victims one by one. Okay, last two dodgeballers.Are you ready?Yes.Are you ready?Yes!Oh, I'm so sorry.I'm going to kill you!Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, don't!Ow! My eye! I don't understand you!So, you like theater,and you just put this fake thumb in our fries. Yep.I'm gonna go out on a limb hereand say we're with the wrong people.Let's just switch dates and get this party started. What? We don't want to switch.Yeah. I'm not attracted to you.And I'm not attracted to you.Wait a minute.We like all the same things, but you don't think I'm cute?I've got a thing for Latin men.I like 'em dumb.- Ugh. Well, that's just offensive. - And shallow.Just because we're guys doesn't mean we don't have feelings. Yeah. I don't feel good about this.It makes me feel...bad.Come on, Luke. Let's get out of here.Our parents aren't home.If you want, we'll make out with you.I'm not proud of what happened next.I am.He's not home.How's the cleanup going?Well, I think I got most of them.You've been at this a while.How come you only have like eight peanuts?Instead of carrying them around,I made a huge pile right over th--- Again?! - Geez. They're everywhere.Oh, god. No! Bird!Aah! Oh, no!Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!Oh, no! What is that smell?!It smells like french fries!It's biodiesel. Can you plug it up?- Oh, what? With what? Popcorn? - Oh, geez. Oh, god.No! My boots! This is a disaster!Save the seals!What -- what -- what -- what the hell?What did you do?Uh, I won a green award.That's what.You think you can get this thing to work?Hey, you're supposed to be the lookout.What if somebody walks in?Gee, they'll call my parents.Hey! Look! You did it!Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.Listen, I'm gonna get back to class.Before you go, let me ask you a question.How do you know how to do all this stuff?Back in high school, I was in the A.V. Club.We did all kinds of crazy things.One year, we hid a microphone in the gym.We could totally hear everything that was going on at prom.I used to make fun of guys like you.This is pretty cool.Really?You think this is cool...First down! All right.Best open house ever.It's all gravy when you're in the A.V.Admit it -- doesn't it feel goodto break a few rules,take a walk on the wild side?- You're welcome. - No, you're welcome.I'm the one who set this whole thing up.Let's just say we make a good team.To us.There he goes. There he goes.Come on, come on! Come on!Come on! Yeah!I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Can you give me an example?Well, when I was little,I was in a spelling team at schooland I really wanted to win.I don't know why. There was no prize.No one cared.My parents didn't even know I was in it.I just felt this weight on my shoulders,like if I lost, I'd...I don't know.- I just had to win. - And did you?Yep. Know what the winning word was? Responsibility.Is that what you feel?A responsibility to win all the time?To always be the best?That's one way to put it.And this responsibility -- where does it come from? I'm not sure. It's just...there.So it's an internal pressure.Kind of.I mean, once you start overachieving,people expect things from you.Like what people?You know, the world...Teachers, parents, other kids.It's not all internal.Don't get me wrong.I like the way I'm wired.It's what's going to get me into a good school.It's what makes me who I am.And how is that -- being who you are?I don't know.Mostly good.A little exhausting.Sometimes hard.I guess there's your answer.It's hard being me.Tell me a little more about your family.They're pretty normal, I guess.I'm not like any of them,- But that doesn't really bother me. - Ever?Only when they say things like "Alex, you study too much" or "Don't freak out" or "Go do something fun."So, your siblings--they don't experience the same pressures you do.Oh, god, no. They don't care about school.Hmm. Why do you think that is?I mean, you all grew up in the same housewith the same parents, yet you're the only onewho feels this enormous pressureto achieve at such a high level.Why do we even have to talk about my family?They don't have anything to do with this.They don't get me.How's that feel?- I don't know. - You're a smart girl.- Try a little harder. - I said I don't know.I feel...kind of alone.I realize our juniors are busy with SATs, so as a rule,I only give two hours of homework a night.- Two hours? - Our students are highly advanced.It's nothing they can't handle.You know, I'm-- I'm sure they can.It's just that if they have two hours in this class and they have an hour for A.P. Bioand an hour and a half for, um, advanced lit and-- hang on one second.Let me just do this on the board,'cause then it's-- um, we got 2 and 1 and 1.5 and then another, uh, hour and a halffor A.P. History-- gives us...- It's 6. - Yes!Nina, I was getting there.Thank you! Thank you so much!If I could just have a second to thinkwithout all the tippy-tappy typing.6.Well, I hope you're happy.You've ruined dodgeball for everyone.She was the one who threw that ball in my face. Only because you threw yourself at Mr. Ingram. Okay, ladies, please.Can't you see what's going on here?You both just want what's best for your kids.I need to get this trip for Wesley.I'm tired of him being so mad at me all the time. Why is he mad?Oh, he blames me for the divorce.His father will always be the hero.It's hard to blame someone who's never there.Now, can't you relate to that?It will get better.Kids always figure out who's really there for them. Again, we're very sorry about the projector.I'll send a check on Monday.- Hi, honey. - I got in trouble.Whatever she did, add it to my tab.- All right, let's do this. - No. No, no, no.Not you two, just you. Come on, sheriff.Oh, hey, honey. How did it go?Good. And I made another session for next week.How was the open house?Wow. So intense.I had no idea the kind of pressure you're under. Honey, I was just you for two hours.I could barely hold it together.I don't know how you don't have a meltdown every day. - I... - Oh, honey.Sweetie, what? Did I say something?Yes.Thank you.Okay.Okay.Okay.Again, I am so sorry.I-I guess, in retrospect, it was a little crazythat I wanted to show you my state bar association award. Stop.And it's possible I come on a little too strong.No. No, no.I like to think that I'm greener than I am,but maybe I just want the creditwithout doing all the hard work that you do.Well, you're right-- it is hard,but, you know, it's also alienating.You know, no one wants to be friends with me.I-I can't tell you the last timeI had people over for dinner,which is probably a good thing.You know, with solar power,it takes four days to roast a chicken.- Really? - If you want it cooked all the way through, yeah. You know I had salmonella three times?If you want to come over to our house for dinner,- we kind of owe you. - You can play with my dollhouse. Yeah?Does it made from sustainable materials?Forget it.。

Councilwoman Dunphy, how do you respondto allegations that you look super sexy in your new suit?Uh, I haven't been elected yet.Come on, kids! We gotta vote!- Honey, come on. Please stop filming. - I'm just excited!After today, you are going to be a councilwoman,and I am going to be a first husband.And if you don't stop filming,you're going to be my first husband.All right, everybody, come on!Do you know what you're doing, kids?You guys are manning the phone banks.Alex, you're in charge of that.Wh-why is she in charge? And what's--what's a phone bank? That's why.- Phil. - I got it.I will be driving 50 of our finest senior citizens to the polls, assuming, of course, that they remember that I'm coming for them. - Where you at? - High-five.Old people occasionally forget things.Okay. All right, everybody, let's go. Let's go.Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Real quick!Sorry. Everybody get in there. Jump in there.I just want to say how proud of you we all are.You're an inspiration.Who would have thought that 20 years agowhen you were still in the bloom of your youth--Okay, I'm gonna go start the car.Claire likes to win.When she was 8, a little girl scout friend of hersbragged she could sell the most cookies.Damn if Claire didn't walk the neighborhoodtill she got blisters on her feet and won by ten boxes.Best part isClaire wasn't even a girl scout.The choice is Claire!Vote Claire Dunphy for town council.Aw, I love it!- What do you think, huh? - I love it.We got it on Craigslist.Came off a taco truck.- It did. - I love that you're doing this for me.- Thank you! - You're welcome.I know how important winning is to Claire.And I love to festoon things.We're her dream team.So we cleared the whole day, dropped Lily off at school, and voted first thing.Although, uh, one of us had a bit of a dimpled chad situation. Can you tell me how this machine works again, Chad? Oh, sure. No problem.Just wanna look in here. Just--Thank you. Thank you.- Bye! Bye!- Thank you, guys!I can see Clairely now that Duane is gone.Bye! Thank you! Oh, my gosh.Okay, everybody, get in the car. Let's go. Let's go. Good luck today, Claire.Oh, Laurie, thank you.Hey, by the way, we have some really good news.- What's that? - Becky got into the University of Oregon. Oh, congratulations!Any news, Haley?Uh, uh, no, not-- not yet,but, you know, super psyched!This whole waiting-to-hear thing has been a nightmare since the very first letter.I'm too nervous. I can't do it."Dear miss Dunphy,we regret to inform you..."What?! Don't leave me hanging!After that, I decided to only tell my parents good news.I have one school left,and the only good news I've gottenis that my annoying neighbor Beckyis moving back east to Oregon.- Manny, write this down. - I didn't bring a pen. Election day is America at its finest.The people speak, and the government listens.I don't know what they do in Colombia.No one does, and don't ask.I mean, we know that voting's a privilege,but for my daughter to have her name on that ballot,it just means so much more--You know what? I think I'm gonna vote later.What? Where are you going?Ah, the line is too long.It's only three people! And nobody has a gun!It's only three people! And nobody has a gun!We're here, we're Claire,get used to it!You know, I'm not sure if that's tracking.Here, let me try one.You don't have to be Clairevoyant to know who to vote for. Vote Dunphy for town council.Uh, uh, uh, Claire Dunphy.Uh, C-Caire's her first name.I'm sorry if that wasn't Claire.Oh, my God. Look at that. There's a trash can right there, and that guy just threw his paper on the sidewalk.Hey! You in the yellow jacket.Pick it up and put it in the trash.- Oh, my God. He did it. - Yes, he did.Ooh, here. Let me try one.I'll try...Hey, dragon tattoo, no jaywalking!oh, my gosh.This is an instrument of power.How could they not sell tacos?You know what we could do with this thing?Cam, we could really make a difference.We could be the voice of change.Ooh, I got it!Let's go yell at the dry cleaner that lost my shirt. Come on, gang.Today is the Dunphys at their best.I'm from the "Weekly Saver." Mind if I ask you- a couple questions about the big election? - Not at all. Fire away.Who are you voting for today?Claire Dunphy.Finally. I've been waiting for someone to say that name. Why?Uh... Because I am Claire Dunphy.Oh, sorry. They moved me over from ad sales.We take turns reporting.How do you feel about your chances today?Not as good as I did a few minutes ago.No, she feels great.Um, her spirits are high. The whole family's high.- There's your headline. - Phil, no.Uh, how about a photo of all of you?- Yeah. Sure. Yes. - Mom, mom, mom. Tag.- Tag's still on. - Oh, my Goodness.Thank you.That would have been a really awkward picture. Okay. No!What is that?Is that a tooth?- Ew! - Awesome!How old are you? No!- Do it again! - How does that even happen?It's a-a fake tooth from an old ice-skating injury.- It just fell out. - Oh, my gosh. Why today?!- What about the... - Let's not overreact.- Let's--let me see it. - Okay. All right.Got it. Thanks.What happened back there?Line was too long. I couldn't wait.I've seen you wait 45 minutes in line for sherbet! Well, I happen to like sherbet, okay?That place I take youhas the greatest sherbet on the west coast.They got lime sherbet, they got coconut sherbet.Why are we talking about sherbet?He's clearly changing the subject.Why aren't you in school?He's doing it again.Manny's right. You're being very ardilla.- "Ardilla"? - Yeah, you know, the--The one that--that--- Rabbit? I was being rabbit-y? - No, another one- With the cheeks and the tail and... - Chipmunk?- Possum? -Okay, obviously she means squirrel.You were being squirrely then,- You're being squirrely now. - Better than being a rat. Manny, give us a minute.Oh, sure. I served him up on a silver platter.What?All right, it's no big deal.There was a woman working there.I didn't want her to see me.- Who is she? - Her name is Dottie.She's the first woman I dated after my divorce.You dated a Dottie after Dede?Y-you're focusing on the wrong thing here.The--the point is it ended badly.I tried to let her down easy, but, uh,she didn't take it too well.Actually, I don't know how she took it,'cause I wasn't there.We dated a few weeks, then after we... You know,I slipped out of her house before she woke upand never called her again.Put my pants on in her yard, put the car in neutral,let it roll down the driveway, lights off.Hey, I can't talk about this anymore.So because of this woman,you didn't vote for your daughter?It's Claire! We need her to win!I don't want to be around when something that tight comes unraveled. I'll figure out something.Maybe those poll workers take shifts.Stop hiding in your little cave like a--Like, you know. Like the-- the--the--- I really don't wanna do this again. - No, the--No. No. The big one, like, uh, the monster furry one.Ay, why can't I remember any animal names?Climb aboard the Dunphy Express.Next stop--democracy.- Well--no, no... - Please don't go.I won't do that anymore. I promise.Oh. Uh, we need to make a quick stop.I gotta pick up my new glasses.No can do. I, uh...I got a lot of people waitin', so...It'll just take two minutes.I can't even see the ballot without my glasses.I mark the wrong box,next thing you know I'll be married to a guy.Yeah, I-- I don't think it's mandatory, Walt.I'm a good dancer. They'll come for me.Oh, yeah.They will break all your buttons...and say you brought it in that way.Okay, go, go, go!Turns out we had a lot of axes to grind.And a hybrid, so there was virtually no stopping us. Do not see that movie!You will neither laugh nor cry!"Best pizza in the city"?Not even the best pizza on this street.They do not do the hair of the people on those pictures! "Totally free checking"?Don't bank on it!Okay, that was really fun,But now we gotta go back to campaigning for Claire. We've been saying that for two hours.Yes, but now I-I really mean it.- Oh, my god, there's Sandy! - Sandra Bullock? Yeah, Sandra Bullock.We're such good friends, I call her "Sandy," So... No, Sandy who works at Lily's preschool.- Right there. - Oh, yeah.- You know, she got engaged. - No!- To the gay boyfriend? - Totally.Oh, how does she not see it?If I was with somebody that gorgeous,I'd overlook a few quirks, too.First of all, thank you.Second of all...point well taken.I don't know. Poor Sandy. I feel so bad for her.- Well, it's better than being alone. - Is it?She's looking over here.- Oh, my god. - Mitchell, you're sitting on the button.What? No--no, I'm not. No, I'm not!The--it's stuck!And you're the one that had it last- when you were talking to the cheese shop! - Because you know what? If you advertise truffle cheese,- there are certain expectations... - Hi, Sandy.Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Claire Dunphy.- What a beautiful name. - She used to be a citizen.I'm calling on behalf of Claire Dunphy for town council.All right. How about this?if you vote for Claire Dunphy...You won't have to pay taxes for the rest of your life.Vote for Claire!Luke! What are you doing?You can't say that!Oh, like she'd be the first politicianto make a promise she can't keep.Well, maybe I don't want to talk to you, either. Maybe you are the one that is bothering me!How do you like that? Eh?Gloria, I'm gonna have to ask you againto please stick to your script.But everybody's saying no to me!I don't get it.Usually when I ask someone to do something,they just do it!Maybe it's because these people can't see you.I don't like it.Can't you just hook me up to some sort of camera? Well, thank you, Maggie, for the vote.Okay. Bye-bye.Here's your seat.Thank you. Um, you'll have to excuse me.I'm a little nervous. I've never been on the radio before. Don't worry about it.- Just think of it as a conversation. - Okay.Here are your headphones. Volume control.- Don't get too far from the mike. - Okay.Make sure your cell phone's off.Oh. Cell phone. Right. Um...And you're not chewing gum, are you?No, I'm not. I just had some temporarydental work done.The last thing I need--And welcome back to "A matter of record."I'm Cecil Van Gundy.Joining us now in studio is district 43town council candidate Claire Dunphy.Thank you, Cecil.It's a pleasure to be here.So... You're a first-time candidate.Tell us what got you involved.It all started with a, um...With a stop sign.I was concerned about safety in our neighbourhood and I was not getting any satisfaction from city hall. What's wrong with mom?Oh, this isn't good.She sounds drunk!That's not her drunk voice.Tell us about some of the other issues facing our town. Where do you stand on the city'ssewage and sustainability initiative,the so-called S.S.I.?One cannot really talk abouts-s-sewage and sustainabilitywithout first discussing... recycling.This city can do more...- What the hell's wrong with her? - with the recycling program... She sounds drunk!- ...currently... - It's a tooth thing.What's wrong?Oh, I'm almost out of air. Oh, boy.Is that serious?Is oxygen serious?You know what? I lost a ton of time getting your glasses.I'm just gonna drop you at home.You can get your air. I can drive other people.I don't have any more tanks at home.Why? That seems like bad planning.Well, I forgot to order them.My pills make me forget things.Oh, shoot! I gotta take my pill!Please tell me you have it with you.Of course I do, but I have to take 'em with food.- Don't I? - Are you asking me?Uh, yes! I do take them with food!Ooh. I don't feel so well.Okay, I'll get you whatever you want!I'll get you the air, I'll get you the food.Then I'll vote for your drunk wife.That is not her drunk voice!Thank you so much for voting.We appreciate it.Hi. I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me. Jay Pritchett. Uh, can I get in-- in and out really quick?Thank you. This is all I needed.Thank you very much. Thank you very much.All right. Claire, Claire, Claire.Claire, Claire-- ahh, ahh. Here.I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!Hello, Dottie!Jay! It's so nice to see you!- Is it? - Oh, why wouldn't it be?That was a long time ago. Water under the bridge. - We're good. - Oh, that's great.Thank you so much for voting.You remember my daughter Claire. She's--She's running for town council.- Oh, isn't that neat? - Yeah, I'm so proud.So you're gonna put it in there, huh?Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Definitely.cause every vote counts, you know.Thank you so much for voting.- You know... - Yeah.Boy, I'd sure like to see the sweet sightof my vote... counting.Why would I say I'd do something and not do it? That would make me a liar...instead of a trusting widowWho fell asleep in the warm embraceof a man who promised to make breakfast.Okay, here it is.Look, I am so sorry.You were the first woman I'd been with besides my ex--35 years.I panicked.An-and it wasn't 'cause y-you weren't pretty nakedor anything like that.I'd have run from Angie Dickinson.- Oh, lucky her. - Dottie--- Good-bye, Jay! - Dottie, Dottie, please.I'm just trying to get my ballot in the box.oh, yeah, that sounds familiar.Yeah, but you don't have to do anything.Just let me put it in!Uhh. Shouldn't have said that.We are so sorry.We did not mean for you to hear any of that.Yes, and you know what?We shouldn't have been gossiping in the first place. But what if you're right?What if Gregory is gay?When my mom said it, I didn't believe her.She lives in Iowa.But coming from you two!- Means nothing. - No.We barely know your fiance.- If he says he's straight, he's straight. - Mm. Straight. We're getting married in a month.People are flying in.He signed us up for dance classes.Oh, my god!No. No, no, no. Hey.- This is what gays do. - Yeah.- We gossip. - We gossip a lot.He gossips!No. No. You're missing the point, okay?We see a great-looking guy like Gregory,and we say he's gay because we want him to be gay! - Really? Really? Are you sure? - Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Look at what we do with movie stars. Okay.You know? Hugh Jackman-- he sings, he dances,He's dreamy!So obviously we would want him on our team!- Yeah. - But he's straight.Trust me, I know.I said hello to him once in a restaurant,and there was absolutely no chemistry.Well, if that isn't proof...Three weeks later, Sandy and Gregory got married,and everyone said the wedding was beautiful.Gregory did the flowers....Which is perfectly normal for a straight guy.The Greeks do one thing right, and it's lamb!All right. Let's go vote.Why the hell does your wife want to be a politician, anyway? You heard her. She wanted to put upa stop sign at Bristol and Greenleaf,But then she ran into--Wait, wait, wait!That's near where I live!Yeah. We're neighbors. Let's go!No way I'm voting for that!Too much government already.I didn't fight a war so some politiciancould tell me where I have to stop my car.You don't even drive!That's 'cause that Barack Obama took my license away.I don't think he was involved in the decision!I left the house today to get 50 votes for my wife.I'm not going home with zero.The least you can do is walk right in thereand punch a hole for the womanwho drags your garbage can up your driveway every Tuesday!I don't like it! Goes against everything I believe in.Really? A stop sign?!But I'll do it, 'cause you're a good kid.And I had a nice day...till you started yelling at me.So sorry. Thank you.Here you go.You know, my wife was an alcoholic, too.Okay. Let's just go vote.That's veteran political reporterWalter Shapiro.Hi, everyone!- Any news? - Not yet, not yet,But even if I lose, at least now I knowI have a future in radio.I couldn't. People need to see me.Before we get the results, I just want to thank you all for everything you've done for me.Mitch and Cam, for campaigning for me all dayin your little Claire-mobile.- It's the least we could do. - Yeah.Literally.We probably did more for Hugh Jackman's career than we did for Claire's.And, Manny and Gloria,thank you for making all those phone calls.And, dad...for all your support.I don't think I convinced anyone to vote for Claire.I don't think I even voted.And my husband...who drove aroundI don't know how many senior citizens today to the polls.One.And my beautiful children,whose faith has given me the confidenceto believe that I can do this.I can--oh.- Somebody else answer it. I lost. - Mom. Mom.- I can feel it. I-- - Mom.You can do it. Mom. Answer the phone.Hello?This is she.Thanks so much for calling.Bye-bye.I have some bad news.Because someone's gonna be busy now that she's a councilwoman? No, no, I wasn't doing that fake thing.- I really lost. I lost. - Ay, no.I'm so sorry. But you know what?We are still just so proud of you.[哀悼克莱尔]Yeah! I-- I don't know about you,But, um... I could use a glass of wine.Ohh. Now you're gonna hear her drunk voice. Mom?You okay?Yes. Fine. I'm good.I'm fine. I'm not fine. I wanted to win,And... and I'm so embarrassed.I mean, everybody out here worked so hard for me, and they believed in me,and I let 'em down.Oh, honey.Oh, sweetheart.Well, don't cry. I'm gonna be fine, sweetie. Really, I am.Just knowing you care so much makes me feel better. No, I got four rejection lettersI never told you guys about.What?I got rejected from U.C.S.B., Oregon, Wisconsin... - Oh, no. - And Northwestern.Well, we were overshooting on that one.What about, uh...It came today. My last chance.I'm too scared to open it.Whatever it says in there,your father and I are crazy proud of you.Okay?I did start trying this year.I know you did. You did.You have nothing to be ashamed of.Neither do you.It's a little bit different.No, it's exactly the same.Except you tried really hard the whole time,not just at the end.You're right.It is the same.We have nothing to be ashamed of...So let's open that together.Yeah, open it.What? No! What are you doing here?No. Come on, haley. We believe in you.Do it!You can always work for me.Come on. You can do it. You can do this.- Come on, Haley. - All right.Open. Open, open, open."Dear Miss Dunphy,We regret to inform you..."Oh, honey."While we cannot offer you admission at this time, "You are a promising candidate, and thereforeWe would like to place you on our wait list!" Oh, my god, I got wait-listed!We will take it!Yeah!Congratulations! Congratulations!Our daughter might be going to college!Phil, look.A stop sign.It's addressed to you."Dear Claire, I won. You lost."Here's your stupid stop sign."Next time you think about bothering me, "Please take its advice.Your councilman, the honorable Duane Bailey." Honey, you did it!I did it.I made our neighborhood a little bit safer.I may have even saved life.You idiot, there's stop sign! Can't you read?we need speed bumps.No, no. No! Honey!。

Morning.- Hey. - You sleep all right?No, you?- Say no, Phil. - Of course no.I missed you up there.Last night, I know I got kind of carried away -- No, no, no. You don't need to apologize.I don't think that I was apologi--You were right to be mad.Sometimes I just feel like I have to screamto let you know how upset I am,but you get it now, right?I...do.Not.No idea whatsoever.Ohh, if I knew, but...no.Good.So let's pretend the whole thing never happened. What were we even fighting about, huh?What the heck happened in here?The raccoon get through the dog door again?Yep. The raccoon got in,and your mom fought it off with the fire extinguisher. You're a mess!Are you okay?Careful, buddy. Not today.I think you look beautiful.Save it.One time I forgot to get Gloria a birthday present,and I paid for it.Another time I remembered, but she didn't like the gift.I paid for that.So you'd think when I remember to buy her a giftand she loves it,I wouldn't have to pay for it, right?Just call me angel of the morning, angelJust touch my cheek before you leave me, babyOh, hey, good.Grab the other end of this and help me get it out of here.I have to start setting up the chairs for tonight.- Oh, tonight? What's tonight? - Are you kidding me? This is what I'm talking about Mitchell.You never listen when I --It's a fundraiser for the friendsof the third street overpass music society.Two harpists are performing,and you're anxious 'cause Andrew,Your nemesis from the steering committee,ran the event last year,and you want to upstage him.I was kidding.Cam has it in his headthat I don't listen to him, but I do.Do you, Mitchell? Do you?The doctor called and saidLily's rash is just dry skin.I'm so relieved.What did I just say?You act like you listen to every single thing that I say,but you don't.Don't I, Mitchell?Hey, I'm going to the store today.Do you need me to pick anything up for you?Razor blades, saline solution, black socks,and the new issue of Vanity Fair.Wow. I don't even remember asking for all that.Thank you.Don't I?How'd this thing come off, anyway?Well, I was cooking dinner, and --Right.And the raccoon just walked in the --And I already had the door open.- Right. - Which I-I had already had ahold of the --Why don't you two go work on your story and come back? - Okay. - Okay.I won't be home till late.I have another shift at the restaurant.That's our working girl.Let the river run, honey.Let the river run, honey.Check it! $57 in tips from last night.Honey, that's impressive. You know what?$57 from you, $57 from us --You keep this up,we are going to be buying you a car by the summer. Mom, is this "upscale casual"?What?Oh, yeah. Cam hired Luketo help out with the benefit tonight.Hey, you know what? I can't fix this thing.What? I need that. I use it every day.Okay, Phil, what do you say?You want to take a trip to the mall with me?I...do.Not,if I can possibly avoid it.Claire has this little...habit...at the mall, where sh--I can't even talk about it.Jay, come on!I want to go homebecause you said you were going to film me doing thekaraoke so I can send it to Colombia to my mother. Claire, um, about the mall?I was actually gonna run outand get my hair cut this afternoon.Well, hang on here.Why don't I run claire down the mall,and you give Phil a haircut?You're always talking abouthow you miss working at the salon.I guess I could.I do jay. Why can't I do you?You...can do me.Okay, let's get this party started.Okay, let's get this party started.You know that song?Let's go, let's go! We're wasting time!- O-okay, okay. - Yeah.- You know it? - I think I do.So, that was Andrew,who practically choked telling methat no one had called in their regretsfor the event tonight.It is gonna be a full house.Oh, that must feel great!Oh, I never thought I would enjoy having an arch enemy. Oh. But I do, Mitchell. I do. Hmm.Hey, Lily, what you got there?I do feel bad for those PETA folks.I do feel bad for those PETA folks.Their event's tonight, too.That's why I had you mail the invitations so long ago.I shouldn't laugh.I do feel bad for those little PETA animals.I really do.What are you doing?Nothing. She was, uh --she was, uh, sucking her thumb again.Yes, I put Cam's invites in my carto take them to the post officeand then threw my gym bag on top of themand completely forgot they existed.Ohh, I feel terrible.Haven't been to the gym in six weeks.And I ruined Cam's event.Hello, Miss Hartwick.Uh, Cam and I are hostinga little event tonight, and --Yes, yes.No, I am aware that there is also a PETA event,and -- ohh.Who are you talking to?I'm in the shower!Luke, how are those chairs coming?Come in.I think you should come in come in.Oh, now I'm worried about the flow.The eyes should go to the harps, not the backs of chairs. Are you gonna get upsetand starting eating all the appetizers again?It is amazing what you notice and what you don't notice. Please handle that. I need to think.Come on, Luke.Hi, there. Your father home?I think so. Why?Oh, oh! The wait staff.Please, luke, show them to the kitchen, please.Knock knock.Oh. Hello, Andrew.Nice chair backs.I just thought you could use this.It's the sign-in book for my event last year.Let just turn to the blank pages,Which should be...Oh. No. It's full.Oh, well, thank you for thinking of us,but shouldn't you be getting back home to Donald? That is the name of your cat, isn't it?I'll see you at 7:00.Drive safely.What did I tell you?She's even worse than you said.Hold still!You can't move like that.It's like cutting the hair of a cuckoo bird.I'm sorry. I'm just a little tense today.I knew it. Something happened.Because when somebody works in a salon,they know when someone needs to talk.Actually, you might be able to help me with this one. Claire and I got into a huge fight last night......and I'm not even sure what it was about.Was that why you didn't want to go to the mall with her? No, that was... more about a weird...mall habit claire has.Oh, my god! That's good!Oh, oh! Go low, go low.Go low, go low. Oh! Oh!Oh, my god!Dad! Dad!You got to get one of these! Oh!It is impressive how much Haley's earning.She's over $500 already.That's a lot of cheddar.Why's everyone actinglike she's the first 17-year-old to have a job?In other cultures, she'd have two kids already,and they'd have jobs.You know, I stopped by the restaurant a couple times, and she wasn't there.When?Uh, I don't remember.I was at the mall for a movie.Think! I need details!Okay, it was a romantic comedyMy now ex-friend Reuben recommended --Not about the movie! What day?! Focus!Okay, uh, it was Tuesday,But I also ate there again on Saturday,and she wasn't there then, either.Oh, my god.I bet she doesn't even work there.Well, then, where's all this money coming from?Do you notice how every single nightis just under $60?Grandpa gave her $60 for her birthday.She's just hanging around the mall all day,flashing the same cash every night,and fooling my parents into buying her a car.Hey, dad!Can we eat at Haley's restaurant tonight?!Hey, there's a good idea!Great. I'll text her.Oh, god, no!Oh, god, yes!Oh! Oh, god, yes!Oh, get after it!Amazing.I'm going for 15 more on me.I think you got what you needed from that.Oh. Okay. Thank you.You know, maybe you do need to talk about this fight. With Phil?How could you not know what she was mad about? Because she didn't tell me. She just freaked out.I cannot believe you, Phil!How could you?!What is happening? What -- what did I do?Are you serious?You are! You don't know.We've had this conversation a hundred times.You know -- no, no.I'm not -- I'm not doing this again.You tell me what you did.- Was it -- - "Was it --"No, Phil.No. No, no, no. No!- I'm going to get some air. - Claire.- Claire! -No! Don't follow me.Happy valen-birth-iversary!Storming off --right out of yr mom's playbook.Where'd you go?Well, as it turns out, not very far.Damn it.Phil!Phil, you moron, stop it!- It's me, you idiot! - I'm sorry!What are you doing?!I'm sorry!I thought you were a raccoon!You thought I was a raccoon!Because people look so much like raccoons. Oh, look.There's one now!No, claire, no! Claire!Wait a minute.Not even crazy woman go crazy for no reason. What happened before the broccoli?That's just it -- it came out of the blue.I walked in the door,we're having a conversation about nothing. Hey, honey.Sorry I got stuck at the office.How was your day?It was good.- Although you know what? - What?Debbie stood me up for lunch.Rude, right?No. She called.I didn't get a message.Yeah. You did.I left you one.It's right...there.That's it!How is she supposed to see this?If you give me a message this tiny,I kill you.But that's not when she got mad.Also, I talked to the insurance companyabout that little accident that "wasn't your fault" because the brakes weren't "working right."And that's not gonna cost us as much money as I thought, so that's good.That's it!You insult a woman's driving,and you use the "air bunnies."and you use the "air bunnies."You do that to me, and I kill you.I hear you,but the screaming still hadn't started yet.So, I'm having lunch with Skip Woosnum, right? Boy, can that guy go on and on.Tangent after tangent.By the way, turned me on to the greatest thing -- wedge salad -- you gotta try it.Anyhoo...Guess who's sitting at the table next to us.My old girlfriend Carla.We're gonna grab coffee.She lost a ton of weight.How stupid are you?You tell me that you're seeing an old girlfriend, and I -- Kill me, I know.But she still hadn't snapped yet.I almost forgot.I picked up the broccoli you asked for. Cauliflower.Can't believe I did that again.Can't believe I did that again.I cannot believe you, Phil!You didn't do one thing wrong.You do everything wrong!I don'even know why she talks to you.She said she was okay.No. No woman is okay with this.We don't forget.We wait.And then, when you least expect it,we make you pay.Chin up!Up!So you had a meltdown over that.I did, because ever since I met him,I've been trying to get Phil to try a wedge salad.The minute that Skip Woosnum,whom he doesn't even like, suggests it,Phil thinks it's the greatest thing ever,and he does this with everything.He does it with books, with movies, with tv.He listens to everybody's opinion but mine,And it drives me crazy.You two seemed fine this morning.Well, we were because we talked about it,which, by the way,if you want this whole karaoke thing with Gloria to go away, That's what you need to do.That's easier said than done.Well, since when do you shy away from confrontation, Mr. Tough Talk, Mr. Straight shooter?Getting a little soft, grandpa?You know, when you get a massage,you sound like a Tijuana prostitute. Luke, phone.Friends of the third street --Is that Mitchell? What's taking him?No, it's not Mitchell. It's...I don't understand his name.Hello?Oh, hi, Longinus. Listen,did you get my message?About the chiavari chairs --I want you to bring them when you come. What do you mean you're not -- not coming? Well, that's not possible.Mitch -- Mitch mailed them weeks ago. What about Pepper? Did he get his?And Michael?And Steven and Stefan?And Bob?I have to go.Get me your uncle Mitchell.I don't know his number.It went to voicemail.Of course it did.Keep trying him until you get him.it's one button.Hey, really great event tonightbenefiting the music society -- musicians like you. Uncle Cam for uncle Mitchell.How could you, Mitchell?!Honestly! Give me that.You want to hear the guest list for night?So far it's anger, betrayal, terror, and sadness. Congratulations, Mitchell, you packed the house! Cam, I am so sorry.I-I-I'm gonna fix it. I'll make a big donation. That's not gonna keep themfrom kicking me off the steering committee! When Andrew walks in hereand sees a room full of empty chairs --You know he's not really your archenemy.That's sort of a made-up thing.Fix it!- Hi! You came! - Hi!Of course we did. We wanted to see you work. We're so proud of you, sweetheart.Yeah, we're all proud. So where's our table? Actually, bad news.We totally booked.We have a ton of reservations.Yeah, one's ours. I called.Uh, so, your table is right here.Oh, honey, would you mind getting us a couple drinks?I would love an iced tea.Same, please.I'll have a mango-kiwi smoothie,yogurt instead of ice cream, and make it low-fat.I want to look good when I'm riding in your new car. Honey, I got to say,I like this haircut.Hey, we're all just playing for second in this family. Were you all done here?Uh, actually, no.Um, I will have more iced tea,Another iced tea,and a mango-kiwi smoothie,all ice cream.I'm pregnant.Well, this is nice.Me, my gals,and my beautiful, beautiful wife.Just so you know, I rescheduled with Carla.I penciled her in for the 12th...of never.That's too bad.I was kind of looking forwd to hearing about that one.no one called for you while you were out.Thank you?I just want to make sure you get any messagesfrom any friends who might call, which none of them did. Isn't it weird that Haley's the only one herenot wearing a name tag?If your mother had a name tag,it would say "Good driver."- Phil -- - Here you go.I want to hear the specials.- Uh, we're out of specials. - What were they?Popular, which you wouldn't understand.Well, what could be betterthan drinks with a beautiful woman?And every beautiful woman deserves flowers. Cauliflowers.Okay. What's going on? Is this about last night?Yeah, I just want you to know how important to me you are. Sweetie, I know that. I know that.I still feel bad about, you knowwhat I...did.Listen to me.You and I are fine.Okay?I'm just really hungry.Okay?Okay.Okay.All right!What looks good?Oh, gosh.Ooh, here's something that jumps right off the page. Uh-huh. I tried this yesterday,thanks to my good friend Skip Woosnum. Claire, do yourself a favorand join me in a wedge salad.You have got to be kidding me!Just try it. You will thank me.Did you learn nothing from last night?It was about the salad?I have been recommending wedge salads to you, amongst other things, for years,and you never listen to me.And then some idiot suggests it,and you can't wait to try a wedge salad?!It makes me feel like I don't matter.Thanks a lot, dad!Mom's little outburst just got me fired!Okay, I got to talk to your mom.You comfort your sister.She never worked here!So, Mitchell called you, too.I take it you haven't had your conversation with Gloria yet? It's getting worse.She sang all the way here.We passed two cars --the dogs stuck their heads back inside the window.What are we gonna do?- I could start a fire. - No.Keep that in your back pocket.I want to show you something.Let me guess.It's a copy of "The Book Thief"that I begged you to read,but you wouldn't until your dental hygienistsaid it changed her life.- Remember this? - Uh-huh.It's the first thanksgiving I spent with your family.God, I hated that ponytail.I know.You said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer,so I cut it off.Just like I lost the feathered earring...and the van with the beanbag chairs.And I changed my forestry major.I get it, Phil. I get it.I am the controlling witch- that made you give up everything fun in your l-- - No. No. You're the witch who saved me.Look. Look at this picture.Now look at this guy.You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter.You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I-I might miss a book or a saladhere and there, but...I've got Claire all over me.You're about to.That's the worst sound in the world.Is it?Friends, uh, family, uh, board members --"Bored" is right."Bored" is right.I know we were all looking forwardto hearing the beautiful stylings of harp attack,but there has, unfortunately, been a slight --Don't start yet!delay,and the program will start in a few minutes, on time.Uh, so, please, everyone take their seats.Thank you.Oh, my god, you did it!Sort of.I know this isn't what you were hoping for,but I need to do a better job of listening to you. No, no, you did the best you could,and, plus, this is double what Andrew had last year and, plus, this is double what Andrew had last year for "Cello submarine."Thank you.Oh -- how are you sitting at a harpand not scoring this moment? Ladies!You can't have a successful marriagewithout being a good listener.Sometimes it takes a little work...I just wonder what they're gonna dowith their lives, you know?I just wonder how they can actually, you know, ever find their true calling with a harp....sometimes it takes a lot of work...Harps!...and sometimes it's just excruciating.Jay, come. I work out another song.Gloria.Gloria.No!No, no, no, no, no, no, no!I can't take it anymore!Okay? It's not singing, it's screaming.Mom, I love you, but for the love of god,destroy that thing before it destroys this family! Coward!I think you sound great,but if it bothers e kid...Coward!Oh Danny boyThe pipes, the pipes are callingFrom glen to glen, and down the mountain side The summer's gone, and all the roses...You keep this up,and this won't be the last plug I pull.。

Hi, there. 你们好I'll be your server for tonight. 今晚由我为你们服务My name is Brian if you guys need anything. 我叫布莱恩有任何需要尽管叫我What's your name if we don't need anything? 如果我们没有任何需要该叫你什么Patricia. 帕特丽夏You're quick, Patricia! 反应很快嘛帕特丽夏Thanks. So, our specialty cocktail for tonight 谢谢我们今晚的特别鸡尾酒是is a basil-infused mojito. 罗勒莫吉托Oh, yum! We'll take three. 不错我们要三杯Uh, no. That's okay. I'm good. 不用了没关系我不想喝酒Come on, now. Join us for a specialty cocktail 拜托跟我们一起在这特别的夜晚- on our specialty evening. - Yeah. -喝杯特别的鸡尾酒吧 -就是- Three, please. - Okay. -请给我们三杯 -好的If you don't drink it, someone will. 你不喝的话会有人喝的Well, that Brian sure is a cutie, huh? 那个布莱恩真是个帅哥是吧I'd kill to have those lips. I mean on me. 我真想要那两片嘴唇我是说在我身上I mean I want his lips on my mouth. 我是说想要他的嘴唇在我嘴上Uh, can we just cut to the chase? 我们能直接切入正题吗He's got great lips. 他的嘴唇很性感No, no, no, no, no. What are we doing here? 不不不我们在这里干什么What is this about? 你们有什么目的Nothing! We just wanted to have a fun night out 没什么我们就是想跟我们的女儿with our daughter. 出来放松一下Yeah! Just think of us as your friends. 是啊就把我们当做你的朋友- Yeah! - I don't have 45-year-old friends. -是啊 -我可没有45岁的朋友Well, you don't have 45-year-old parents yet, either, honey, 你的父母也还没45岁呢亲爱的so calm down. 别激动Haley has no plan for her future whatsoever. 海莉对她的未来毫无规划She's living in our basement, 她住在我们的地下室里taking community-college classes, and, well, meandering. 在社区大学上课整天混日子So we're gonna take her out. We'll have some fun. 所以我们打算带她出去放松一下And then gently ease her 让她放松警惕into a friendly conversationabout her future. 跟我们友好地聊聊她的未来As opposed to the approach that we've taken in the past. 跟我们过去采取的方式截然不同Is this what you're gonna do with your life -- 你打算以后就干这个吗Sleep late and take a selfie?! 睡懒觉然后自拍Why are you always criticizing me?! 你为什么总是批评我Is this really how you want to start the day?! 你想这样开始新的一天吗My day started 5 hours ago. 我的一天五小时前就开始了I am under a lot of pressure! 我的压力很大How?! How?! You take three classes a week, 怎么大如何大你一周只有三节课and you miss half of them! 还逃了一半The parking is tricky! 车很难停Morning, sunshine. I saved you some lunch. 早上好宝贝我给你留了些午餐I get it, okay?! I'm lazy! God! 我知道了好吗我是很懒天呐You know what drives me crazy? 你知道我最烦什么吗Getting these customer-satisfaction calls during dinner. 晚餐期间接到询问客户满意度的电话They change the oil on your car, 他们给车换了油而已they want a love letter! 却期待着我写感谢信I know. I'm waiting for a call from my doctor's office -- 没错我还在等我的医生打来电话"Please rate your prostate exam. "请评价您的前列腺检查Would you say you were satisfied?" 您满意吗"I hope you weren't. 我希望你没有"I hope you weren't." "我希望你没有"That's a good one, Gloria! 这太好笑了歌洛莉亚Do you know how hard it is 你知道用第二语言to be funny in a second language, Jay? 幽默一下有多困难吗杰Esta Hermosa Dama es muy buena. 这位美丽的小姐真不错Ay, Darlene, you're learning Spanish? 达琳你在学西班牙语吗Yes, Shorty and I have been taking classes. 是啊小短和我开始上课了- We're getting good. - Oh, yeah. -我们越说越好了 -当然I es maravilloso! 太棒了You said "That's wonderful," right? 你说的是"太棒了" 对吗My Italian helps me. 我的意大利语功底帮了我Why the sudden interest in Spanish? 为什么突然对西语感兴趣Well, actually, there's something we have to tell you, 其实我们有件事想告诉你们you know? All right. How's this? We're- 好吧你们看如何我们- We're moving to Costa Rica! - Yeah! -我们要搬去哥斯达黎加啦 -是的- What?! - When? -什么 -什么时候In a couple of weeks. The cost of living is so low down there, 再过几周那里的生活成本很低you know? We found this beautiful place on the water. 我们在海边找了个美丽的地方It's got its own private beach. 还有自己的私人沙滩Bathing suits are optional. 泳衣可穿可不穿But encouraged. 但还是鼓励穿上Ay, I'm going to miss you guys. 我会想你们的Don't worry about it. I give it three months, tops. 别担心我赌他们最多能坚持三个月You hate the beach. And you know how humid it is down there? 你讨厌沙滩你知道那里有多潮湿吗I love the steam room at the club. 我爱俱乐部的蒸汽房It's the same thing, except I don't have to see you 都一样的除了我再也不用看着你sitting there like a pile of melted ice cream. 像一滩化了的冰淇淋一样摊在那里'cause you're Tom Selleck in a towel. 而你披着毛巾就像汤姆·塞立克I'm just ready for an adventure. 我已经准备好冒险了I want to try something new. 我想尝试些新事物Stick around here. Pick up a check every now and then. 待在这里偶尔交个帐单Why do you always have to be so negative? 你为什么总是这么消极I think it's great. 我就觉得很好No, you're right. I'm sorry. 不你说得对我很抱歉I'm surprised, that's all. 我就是有点吃惊仅此而已Let's toast this amazing new chapter of your lives. 我们来为你们美好的生活新篇章干一杯吧To mosquitoes the size of your fist. 敬拳头大小的蚊子This is why all your friends move away. 难怪你的朋友们一个个都搬走了To us, alone at last. 敬我们终于有独处时间了We both look very handsome tonight. 我们两个今晚看起来都很帅You know, if you -- if you'd just said 如果如果你只说that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you." 我看起来很帅我就会说你也是I couldn't take that chance. 我不敢冒险I wanted to get off on the right foot. 我想有个良好的开端Mitchell and I desperately need 米奇尔和我急需一个a romantic night out to reconnect. 浪漫的夜晚来重燃激情Yeah. I don't -- 是啊我不I don't know if it's the stress of planning a wedding, 我不知道是不是因为筹划婚礼压力太大but we've been a little tense with each other lately, huh? 但我们最近的关系有点紧张Even our friend J'marcus said how bitchy we've been.连我们的朋友马库斯都说我们最近很暴躁What -- when did he say that? 什么他什么时候说过这话Oh, at Pepper's party 在胡娇的派对上that night you wore those pants that don't fit you anymore. 那晚你穿了那条不太合适的裤子Oh, right. And you brought that bad wine that everybody hated. 没错而你带了一瓶大家都讨厌的酒- See? We really need this. - We really do. -瞧我们真的很需要 -真心的Oh, you know, uh, Pepper said 那天胡娇说that for our cake tasting, 为了我们的蛋糕试吃we needed to have -- 我们得...Remember our rules -- no wedding talk, no Lily talk. 我们说好的不谈婚礼不谈莉莉I'm sorry. No, you're right. 抱歉好吧你是对的So, just gonna... 那么我们聊聊...Should we hear the specials again? 我们再听一遍招牌菜怎么样We can't ask him a third time. 不能再让他重复第三遍了You know what I might try when I'm down there? 你知道我搬过去以后会做什么吗Surfing. 冲浪So it's gonna be a closed casket. 那看来你的遗体无法供亲友瞻仰了[死得很惨]My turn. 该我了What are you talking about? I just sunk the 3 ball. 你在说什么我刚刚打进了3号球Then you moved the cue ball with your stick 然后你的杆子碰到了白色球while you were telling me how you were gonna move away 就在你跟我讲要从南加州搬走from Southern California to try surfing. 去学冲浪的时候I didn't touch the cue ball. 我没碰白色球Yeah, I know. But you did. 是啊我知道但你就是碰了You're calling me a cheater? You? 你说我是骗子吗你The guy on the golf course who can't seem to count higher than 5?一个打高尔夫最多数到5杆的家伙Maybe I can't keep track of my shots 我忘记杆数是因为because somebody won't stop talking. 我身边总有个家伙喋喋不休It is in my nature to comment on 那是因为我天生就爱the bizarre and unusual things I see in the world, 对看到的奇闻异事发表评论like that convulsion you call a golf swing. 比如你总是将胡乱一击称为挥杆You know what? I'm done here. 你猜怎么着我不打了No, I've done. 是我不打了I will not have my integrity questioned here. 我不能站在这里接受你对我人品的质疑I was a Marine. 我参加过海军I served with guys who died. 一同服役的伙伴有些都为国捐躯了Of old age! 那是老死的You never left the states! 你连国门都没出过Are you saying I didn't serve my country? 你是说我没为国家效力吗Which one, America or Costa Rica? 哪个国家美国还是哥斯达黎加What's with you and Costa Rica?! 你干嘛老跟哥斯达黎加过不去It's a terrible idea! 因为那是个糟糕的主意You get into things without thinking, 你总是头脑发热冲动做决定and you need to be rescued, 你需要被当头棒喝like that time you bought that car 就像上次你买的那辆车that was supposed to turn into a boat! 说什么可以变成一条船- Yeah? - It turned into a reef! -怎么了 -结果变成沉船That's 'cause you left your door cracked open! 那是因为你手贱没关车门Yes, it was my fault. 是啊又变成我的责任了Mark my words -- 记住我的话Costa Rica is another amphibicar 哥斯达黎加就是下一个at the bottom of a lake. 沉在湖底的水下汽车Only this time, I won't be bailing you out! 只不过这一次我不会再捞你起来了Who asked you?! 谁要你捞了Darlene, we're going! 达琳我们走Wha-- wha-- what do you mean, we're going? 怎么了为什么要走Gracias, Gloria. 谢谢款待歌洛莉亚That was a lovely dinner. 晚餐很棒And you are an incredible woman for putting up with this gringo!你能忍受得了这个家伙实在太伟大了- Come on! - What happened? -快点 -怎么回事Good luck in Costa Rica! 祝你在哥斯达黎加有好运- Aw, thanks, Jay. - He didn't mean it! -谢谢你杰 -他在说反话I know! I'm trying to defuse the tension. 我知道我只是想缓和下气氛- Here we go, guys. - Oh, yeah! -上酒了 -太棒了- Three more Mojitos. - Yum! -再来三杯莫吉托 -好喝极了Aren't these yum? 是不是美味到爆啊I didn't even drink the first one. 我第一杯都没碰过Are you sure? 'cause I don't think it drank itself. 你确定吗它总不会平白无故消失了吧No, it did not. 是啊确实不是Look, I have no problem drinking. 我喝酒一点问题都没有I can literally do it standing on my head. 说真的姐倒立着都能喝酒But, "A," not with my parents, 但是首先我不跟爸妈一起喝and plus, also, I needed to stay sharp, 其次我得保持清醒because they were obviously up to something, 因为他们显然醉翁之意不在酒and I was in no mood. 而且我也没心情喝酒I barely got 10 hours of sleep last night. 昨晚我才睡了不到10个小时So, I'll go get you guys some more water, 我给你们再拿点水and your food should be out in just a few minutes. 主菜应该马上就来了Thanks so much, pal. We appreciate it. 谢谢你伙计你的服务很周到He seems like a real go-getter, huh? 他看上去真是积极进取啊对吧Oh, 'cause he goes and gets things? 因为他总是"进"厨房"取"东西吗I wonder what he wants to do with his life. 我想知道他对人生有什么规划I wonder that about people all the time. 我总是很好奇别人的人生规划I think that's very common, 我觉得这很正常to wonder about other people's aspirations. 想知道其他人的志向I do it all the time. 我总是这样- Yeah, you do. - Yeah. Here we go. -是你是这样 -好了水来了Hey, Brian, you're a young guy. 布莱恩作为一个年轻人Wha-- wha-- what do you want to do after this? What's your plan? 你在这之后想做点什么有什么规划吗Uh, to be perfectly honest, 说实话I'm probably gonna go home, watch a movie, and get high. 我大概会回家看看电影再磕点药You guys looking for something to do? 你们在考虑饭后的活动吗No. No. No. 不不不Oh. I mean, I think I got extra. 我还有点存货No, no, that's -- 不用了你真是...I-I think he meant your plan for your life, 他是在问你对人生的规划not -- not just tonight. 不是指今天晚上Oh. I want to be a screenwriter. 我想当编剧- Ambitious. - And -- and so interesting. -很有理想 -真有意思Isn't that interesting, Haley? 是不是啊海莉- Sure. - You should tell him what you're doing. -当然了 -你应该跟他说说你的事Oh, you mean after we all go get high with Brian? 你是说在我们一起跟布莱恩嗑完药之后吗That's not happening. 那是不可能的I'm sorry. I meant that -- 很抱歉拒绝你我是说No, I know what you meant. 我知道你们的意思Hey, Brian, could you give us a second? 布莱恩你可以回避一下吗Uh, ye-- sure. 好当然So this is what this whole night's about -- 这就是你们今天带我来的原因the drinks, the pretending to be my friend? 鸡尾酒假装是我朋友都是幌子We are your friend. 我们确实是你的朋友Honey, we care about you. 亲爱的我们很关心你And we want to make sure that you -- you've got a plan, 我们想确定你有自己的人生规划'cause it seems like you're meandering. 因为看上去你在混日子No. Sweetie, don't just start texting 别这样亲爱的不要每次谈到because you don't like the conversation. 你不喜欢的话题就开始玩手机- Here. - What is this? -看 -这是什么That's a blog that I've been doing. 这是我一直在写的博客I'm really liking my photography, 我真的很喜欢我拍的照片and people always say that they like the way that I dress, 别人也总说他们喜欢我的穿衣风格so I've been posting pictures of my outfits on this site. 所以我就在这个网站上传我的穿着搭配I know it's not a huge money-maker right now, 我知道现在还赚不了多少钱but I do get money whenever someone clicks on a link 但每当有人点击链接买我穿的衣服时and buys something that I wore. 我就会有收入I'm gonna take a business class next semester, 下学期我会去上商务课which I'm hoping will help me turn all of this 希望能帮助我通过现在做的事into becoming a stylist. 成为一个造型师I have 1,200 followers. 我已经有1200个粉丝了Most are women who want to know what to wear. 多数是想知道怎样穿衣搭配的女人Some are men who want to know what I'm wearing, 还有一些想知道我穿什么的男人But, you know, I'm trying to figure a way 不过我已经在想办法to block all of the pervs. 屏蔽那些变态了So, yeah. I guess that is my plan. 所以这就是我的规划It's amazing. 真是太棒了We are so proud of you. 我们真为你骄傲Don't even, guys. You always assume the worst of me. 省省吧你们总是用恶意揣测我Honey -- 亲爱的No, you guys sit here 你们两个坐在那儿acting like we're drinking buddies, judging me, 假装是我的朋友却对我评头论足when I have a better handle on my future 事实是我对未来的规划比你们两个than either one of you did at my age. 在我这么大时能做到的都要好You? You wanted to be a magician. 你曾经想做个魔术师And you were changing your major every three minutes, 而你呢三分钟就换一次专业according to grandpa -- 这是外公告诉我的who, by the way, 顺便说一句has been drinking with me for years 我和外公一起喝酒好多年了because he loves me, 因为他爱我and he thinks I say funny things when I'm buzzed. 而且觉得我喝高了的时候说话很风趣Well, apparently, the situation in Syria is worsening. 很显然叙利亚局势日趋紧张I know. 是啊In fact, now U.N. evidence suggests that Assad was -- 现在联合国有证据显示阿萨德Are you reading this off your phone? 你是在照着手机念么What?! 什么You're -- 你在No! No! What -- 不是没有- I was just making sure my facts were straight... - Cam. -我只是在确认没有记错细节 -小卡...before I started a spirited conversation of current events. 以便我对当今局势高谈阔论Yeah. 好吧What else does it say? 还说什么了Thank you. 谢谢Sorry. Is that the tuna tartare? 不好意思那是金枪鱼鞑靼吗Yes, and it is delicious. 是啊很好吃Oh, I should've ordered it. 我应该点那个的Would you like a taste? 想尝一口吗Oh, no. But thank you. That's very sweet. 不用了但是谢谢你人真好She really means it. Uh, Katie loves sharing food. 她是认真的卡蒂喜欢跟别人分享食物Me, too. You know, I think 我也是我觉得it's growing up in a big family, 在大家庭里长大都会这样'cause everything at suppertime on the table 因为晚餐桌上的所有东西was up for grabs. 都是给大家一起吃的We didn't say grace. 我们不做饭前祷告We said, "On your marks, get set, go." 我们会说各就各位预备开吃You sound exactly like my dad. 你的语气跟我爸完全一样He was from this really big family in Missouri, and -- 他出生在密苏里一个很大的家庭里Shut up! 不是吧I'm a Missouri farm boy, myself! 我自己就是个密苏里的乡下孩子- Stop! - Oh, my gosh! I'm Cam. -不是吧 -天啊我叫小卡Well, right pleased to meet you, Cam. 很高兴认识你小卡This is Brandon. 这是布兰登Hi. She doesn't really talk like that. 你好她平常不这样说话的Oh, well, he slips in and out of his accent 他时不时也会有口音like Kate Winslet in "Titanic." 就像《泰坦尼克号》里的凯特·温丝莱特- Uh, I'm Mitchell, by the way. - Hi. -我叫米奇尔 -你好- Hi. - What -- what's yours, Brandon? -你好 -你点了什么布兰登It looks delicious, too. 看起来也很好吃It's the truffle parmesan gnocchi. 这是马铃薯干酪松露Do you know what, though? If you want a bite of that, 但是你知道吗如果你想尝一口那个you're barking up the wrong tree. 你就找错人了'cause that dish is in a strict no-share zone. 因为那是一个严格的不分享区I just -- 我只是I don't like people eating off my plate. 不喜欢别人从我的盘子里吃东西Yeah, because you're not an animal. I'm the same way. 因为我们不是动物我也一样Oh, my gosh! You're exactly us! 天啊我们完全一样No, you guys are more interesting, 不你们要更有趣'cause you have the whole gay thing. 因为你们基情四射Katie, you don't know if they're gay. 卡蒂你都不知道他们是不是Okay, that's adorable. 你真可爱Yeah, it was -- it was a pretty safe bet. 是啊我们的关系很明显Okay. I'm running to the powder room. 我要去下洗手间Cam, please try the tartare, 小卡尝尝这个because whatever you order, I want a taste. 一会儿不管你点了什么我也要尝尝Okay. Well, don't you dillydally, 没问题不过你要快点回来because I ain't exactly slow once I tie on the ol' feed bag! 因为我一挂上饲料袋就慢不下来Calm down, honey boo boo. 别激动亲爱的- She's so cute! - Very adorable. -她真可爱 -超级可爱So, Brandon, what do you do for a living? Are you -- 布兰登你是做什么工作的Look, guys. I-I hate to be blunt, 听我说伙计们我不想这么没礼貌but could you please give us some space? 但是你们能不能给我们一点空间Not a problem. 没问题Look, no -- no, it's -- 不不是I mean, you guys are great. But I'm gonna... 你们人很好只是我propose to Katie tonight. 我今晚要向卡蒂求婚And I'm kind of feeling -- yeah. 而我觉现在有点...What?! Here?! 什么在这吗Oh, my god! That's amazing! 天啊这太棒了We just got engaged a few months ago. 我们几个月前刚刚订婚Great. 太好了Yeah, so we will definitely give you your privacy. 所以我们一定会尊重你们的隐私- Congratulations. - Absolutely. -恭喜你 -是啊Yeah. Good luck. 祝你好运You know what? If you wanted, 这样吧如果你想的话I could pretend like I'm texting, 我可以假装在发短信and I could video the whole thing on my phone. 然后用手机把整个过程录下来That way, you'd have it forever. 这样你就能留作纪念了Really? I mean, that -- yeah. 真的吗好啊- That would be awesome. - A-are you sure? -那太好了 -你确定吗He gets very, uh, well, excited. 他很容易过于激动And he might give it away. 有可能会漏出马脚Mitchell, um, I think I know Katie well enough 米奇尔我觉得凭我对卡蒂的了解to tell if she's getting suspicious. 我能看出她有没有起疑心- Cam?! - She said I could. -小卡 -她说过我可以尝尝的The hell's the corkscrew? 见鬼的开瓶器去哪儿了Do you want to talk about it? 你想谈谈吗There's nothing to talk about! 没什么可谈的Shorty does dumb things all the time. 小短总是做傻事You mark my words -- in three months, 我打赌不出三个月he'll be back here needing money. 他就会花光钱滚回来了Maybe this is not about Shorty coming back. 也许你不高兴不是因为小短会滚回来Maybe this is about Shorty not coming back. 而是因为小短可能不会回来了Manny. 曼尼What she's saying is, deep down, 她的意思是在你内心深处you're afraid Shorty's going to love Costa Rica, 害怕小短会爱上哥斯达黎加and you'll lose your best friend forever. 你就永远失去自己最好的朋友了That's what you do. 你一直都是这样You push people away, so when they leave, 你故意疏远别人这样他们离开时it doesn't hurt that much. 你就不会那么难受I don't get it. You're the greatest generation, 我搞不明白你们这代人那么伟大but why can't you feel? 怎么就没有情感呢Why can't you spend your teen years 你怎么不能像其他青春期少年locked in your bedroom like a normal kid? 整天呆在房间不出来呢See? Now he's doing it to me. 看吧他现在在疏远我了Uh, you have to face it, Jay. 杰这是你必须面对的One day, I'll be moving out of this house. 我终有一天会搬出去Can I get that in writing? 你可以写个保证吗'cause I just can't shake this image of a 30-year-old you 我脑海里现在都是30岁的你eating my food and cuddling with my wife. 吃着我的食物还黏着我老婆Boys should never stop cuddling their mothers. 男孩子永远都该黏他们的妈妈I'm gonna have nightmares! 我会做噩梦的You pretend to be so tough. 你假装很强硬But you know what I think? 可你知道我怎么想吗I think that deep down, 我觉得事实上you're the most sensitive person in this house. 你才是这屋子里感情最细腻的人See? 看吧You did it again. 又开始了I say something that strikes a nerve, 一说到这种敏感的话题and immediately, you cannot handle it. 你就受不了了That's why you "Pbht" in my face! 所以你才这样逃避话题We just found the one thing you can't make sexy. 终于发现一个你不那么可爱的地方了There it is again. 又来了I need a drink. 我需要喝一杯Jay, you have to make this right with Shorty. 杰你得跟小短说清楚You have to tell him how you feel! 告诉他你的真实感受He has been a great compadre with you for many years. 他可是你那么多年的老朋友Besides, who else is going to laugh at your jokes? 除了他还有谁给你的笑话捧场Lots of people laugh at my jokes. 大把人欣赏我的笑话Name one person that doesn't work for you. 除了你的员工以外还有别人吗Hey, you know what? Why don't you two just go cuddle? 要不你们两个还是一边温存去吧Okay, here she comes. 她来了Stay calm. 淡定- You're gonna spoil it. - You stay calm. -你会露馅的 -你才要淡定Ooh, that looks good. What is it? 看起来真不错这是什么Um, uh, this is the grilled calamari. 这个是烤鱿鱼圈It's scrumptious. Would you care for a ring? 很美味的你要不要来一"环"I -- um, I mean, dig in there, girlfriend! 我是说你要不要尝一下亲Oh, no, that's okay. Thank you. 不用了谢谢This looks so delicious. 看起来超美味Yeah, mine's delicious, too. 我的也很美味Katie... 卡蒂You look so beautiful tonight. 你今晚真美You know, I-I've never met anyone like you, 要知道我从来没遇到过像你这么好的人and I know that I never will. And I... 我也知道不可能再遇到了I love you so much. 我好爱你Will you make me the happiest man on earth 你能让我变成世界上最幸福的男人吗- and be my bride? - What?! -嫁给我 -什么Oh, my god! 我的天啊- No! - No? -不行 -不行吗No! 不行Sorry. 对不起Did you know that this place used to be a bank? 你知道这里以前是个银行吗Was it, really? 真的哦I just -- I don't want to be married, Brandon. 我只是我不想结婚布兰登We'll end up like one of those couples 我们会变得跟那些that just sits there with nothing to talk about 相对无言的夫妻一样until we glom on to other people. 直到移情别恋I can't believe this. You -- you don't love me? 我简直不敢相信你你不爱我吗- NO! - NO? -不 -不爱吗- I'm sor... - NO! -对不起 -不I need some air. 我需要透透气So, Syria, any updates? 叙利亚那边有什么新情况- No, nothing yet. - Nothing. -还没什么 -没有啊Do you remember how cute she was when she was little 你还记得她小时候发不出"p"这个音- and she couldn't say her P's? - "BAKE A-TATOES." -有多可爱吗 -烤"堵"豆"Bake a-tatoes" and "Attlesauce". 烤"堵"豆还有"饼"果酱"Attlesauce"! "饼"果酱"Can I have attlesauce?" 能给我点"饼"果酱吗First of all, you're screaming. 首先你有点高了Can we just get the check, please? 我们可以买单了吗拜托Could you please not be mad at us anymore? 你可以不要生我们的气了吗We are very sorry that you felt manipulated. 我们很抱歉让你有被摆布的感觉You know what I'm pretty sure is ironic? 你们知道我觉得最讽刺的是什么吗You guys spend all this time worrying 你们花那么多时间担心about what I'm going to do, 我将来要做什么and maybe you should start thinking 但也许你们应该开始思考一下about what you're going to do. 你们要做什么了What are you talking about? 这是什么意思Well, what are you gonna do when we're gone? 我们都离开家以后你们打算做什么What's your plan? 有什么计划- Uh, to be fine. - Yeah. -我们会好好的 -是啊- 'cause we're fine. - Totally. -因为我们很好啊 -特别好You guys are gone. 你们都走了We get an R.V. Bam! 我们就买辆休旅车Me, mama... 我你妈妈and our dog, Merlin, hit the open road. 外加一条狗默林踏上旅程No. I am not spending my golden years 不我可不要把我的晚年driving around an R.V. park, 浪费在一个个房车公园里looking for a place to plug my house in. 整日寻找地方安营扎寨No. I am gonna go see the world. 不我要去周游世界Where do you wanna go? 那你想去哪里I don't know, Phil. India. Africa. 我不知道菲尔印度非洲Diarrhea. Diarrhea. 痢疾会得痢疾Wow. It sounds like you guys really need to start thinking 看起来你们真的要开始规划一下about your future. 你们的未来了Are you just gonna put Merlin in a kennel when we're gone? 我们走后你要让默林住在狗舍吗Okay, Phil, Merlin doesn't exist. 菲尔默林根本不存在And why do you want to get a dog to take care of 孩子们走后你为何要so soon after the kids leave? 急于找只狗来养呢Well, I'm gonna need someone to love me, Claire. 因为我需要有人疼爱克莱尔And in the meantime, mom, 与此同时妈妈grandpa wants you to take over the business, but... 外公想让你接管公司但是Do you want that? 那是你想要的吗I-I guess I hadn't thought this far into the future. 这么久远的事情我还没想过And, dad, are you just gonna keep selling houses? 爸爸你要一直以卖房子为生吗I mean, I don't want to blow your mind here, 我不是想要动摇你的心思but you could still be a magician. 但你还是可以成为一个魔术师啊I could. 我可以He couldn't. 他不行Really? 真的吗This salt shaker behind your head says different. 你身后的这个盐罐可不是这么说的Oh, Phil, you're getting salt all over me. 菲尔你把盐弄到我身上了I feel like a Margarita. 我要变成玛格丽特了[想要一杯]- You got it! - No, no, no, no, no, no! -马上来 -不不不不Just the check, please. 结账吧麻烦了Okay. 好的Thank you so much. 非常感谢你- Thanks, buddy. - Yeah. -谢了兄弟 -多谢Oh, no. I left my wallet in the other coat. 糟了我的钱包在另一件外套里I did not bring my purse. 我没带包包It's fine, guys. I got this. 没事我来吧- Honey, thank you. - Oh, thank you, sweetie. -谢谢你宝贝 -谢谢你亲爱的- I should probably drive, too, huh? - Probably. -等下看来也要我来开车了吧 -是啊- I gue-- yeah. - Yeah. -我觉得也是 -是啊Why don't you guys have the valet pull the car up 不如我留在这里结账你们去叫门童while I pay the check? 把车取来That we can do. 这倒是可以Uh, you guys, it's that way. 伙计们那边- Mm-hmm. - It is. -是吧 -是啊Y-you know, for the record, we do have a lot to talk about. 顺便说一下我们其实有很多可聊的Yeah, we just took a couple of topics off the table 今天只是把有些话题先放一放because we wanted to have a romantic date night. 因为我们今晚想来一次浪漫的约会And it probably put too much pressure on it to be special, 也许我们太想让今晚特别一点了but the truth is, every day I spend with this man is special.事实上我和他在一起的每一天都很特别Oh, Cam! 小卡Oh, no, I'm the lucky one. 不我才是幸运的那个人There we are. 我们都是I'm sorry. 抱歉I guess I just panicked when Brandon asked me. 我想刚才布兰登求婚时我只是慌乱了I mean, we're so different. And I know it seems petty, 我们很不一样我知道这看来but it speaks to something bigger. 很矫情但其实不然I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life 我不知道我能否与一个with the kind of guy who won't let me eat off his plate. 不让我碰他食物的人共度余生Trust me -- it can be done. 相信我那不是问题。

Excuse me, I'm so sorry.I never do this for celebrities.But are you by any chance the foxy momon the New Horizon realty ad.Am I gonna regret doing that?Did the marlboro man have any regrets?This ad is perfect.See, I'm not just selling houses,I'm selling myself,and the best part about me is my family.And my teeth.And both...are on display in this ad."I can't be satisfied until you're satisfied"?Coming soon to a bus bench near you,not to mention our minivan.So that's really happening?Wait. What's happening to our minivan?Having this bad boy shrink-wrapped on it.- Classy. - Yep.Now all that driving around your mom does will serve a purpose. Good morning, family.How are you all doing on this beautiful day?Okay. What's this?Haley's S.A.T. scores are available online.I hate you.Oh! ! Today's the big day.Let's take a look, see how she did.Do we really have to look at them now?Don't worry.We're not expecting any miracles.Thank you.Are those Haley's scores? Are you sure?Why? Are they bad?No, they're not bad.Are they good?No, they're average.Sweetie, we did it.Our baby's average.Medium five!This is just a fluke.She can take them again.Yeah, and she'll probably do even better.You are gonna have your choiceof some pretty good colleges when the time comes. If I go to college.What?I've been thinking about it lately,and I might...not.Later!Well, we took the scenic route,but we ended up in the same place.更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 更多影视更新请登陆 From Zimbabwe to AlgeriaCome on, let me hear yaThese are the countries, these are the countries Cam recently became Franklin middle school's interim musical director.Go, Franklin!I was volunteering for their spring musical festival when their regular directorsuddenly and mysteriously became ill.Oh, sorry.It may have been a blessing.Their show lacked focus.I gave it a theme --"A musical trip around the world."Yeah, see, he focused itby making it about the world.You don't like it.No -- Cam. I do.Do you -- do you think that the kids, though,are gonna be able to learn it by tonight?I mean, maybe you should stickwith something that they already know.I knew this would happen.Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams? - I do not. - You do it all the time.And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams.I heard it as soon as I said it. Just leave it alone.All right, well, Cam, it's just that sometimesyou can be a little, you know, overenthusiastic.Is it really that big of a dealthat I want this to be the best show in the world? Well, as long as you heard me.Be in my corner. Don't be so critical.We-- is that really how you see me?Sometimes, yeah, I do, Mitchell.Cam, well, if -- if that's true, then I'm -- I'm sorry. No, you know, okay, from now on,I am in your corner 100%.Yeah, that song is gonna knock everyone out.Well, I don't know, butwait till you see the dance I have prepared.A dance? A dance!More toast, Manny?Why won't you call me, Emma?More toast, Emma?Do you have to be on all the time?Okay, I'm sorry. Who is this Emma?She's in the show with me tonight.I'm thinking of taking a run at her.You don't "Take a run" at a woman.You woo her. You make her feel special.Hey, hon, take a look at this.It's a picture of my butt.And then when you get her,you can tell her whatever you want.Why do you do this?I programmed it so my butt pops upwhen my brother donnie calls.It's a clever way of saying my brother's an ass.Is it?That's him. Compose yourselves.Forget I showed you this picture.I'm trying.How you doing, you dumb son of a bitch?You old mick. Looks like you've put on a few pounds. Oh, you too.What, are you eating your hair?Oh, Gloria. Oh.What are you still doing here?There's got to be an easier way to get a green card. Hey, uncle Donnie,are you coming to my school concert tonight?- Well... - It's an hour, tops....wouldn't miss it.Hey, you know, I think I misplaced my phone. Could you call me on yours?My phone's at the bottom of my bag.Why don't you use your home phone?Oh, come on. It's simple.What are you doing?I want the phone.How about you let go, you --Give me the phone, Donnie!You still think you can take me?!What? Is this all you got, huh?I'm gonna wash your mouth out with fist.I don't understand this relationship, Emma. Hey, Emma.Doing this show, it feels likewe've become like a little family, huh?You mean like you're my brother?No. N-no, I don't.Oh, no!They're back -- dinosaur arms!This isn't a good time, Luke.That is hilarious.Half boy, half t-rex.One foot in both worlds,Wanted by neither.Luke, that's a great way to stretch out a shirt.Okay, okay! Break's over, everyone!Let's take it from the top.Listen, we're running 20 minutes long,So we're gonna go ahead and cut the Bollywood number. Can I go? I'm late for soccer practice.You know who else missed soccer practice, Delroy? The cast of "Rent." And now they have a Tony.The cast of "Rent." And now they have a Tony.We have a Tony.You are so funny.Seriously?Hello?Hey, honey. Did they drop the van off yet?Yeah, a little while ago.How's it look?Uh, well, believe it or not,I have resisted the temptation to look.This whole Haley thing has got me a little preoccupied. We're on our way out to lunch right now.About that, I've been thinking.College is still a ways away.I say we leave Haley alone.The more we push, the more she'll push back.I'm gonna push.And I support that.Only dad can make our minivan even lamer.Excuse me. What are you doing?I'm driving this thing to the reservoir.Just jump when I say jump.Honey, slide over.How is this stupid ad supposed to sell houses anyway? You heard your father.He's not just selling houses...He's selling us.What are my friends gonna think?They are gonna thinkthat you're helping your father put food on the table.- Ay, is the chair broken? - Almost.That cheap, freeloading brother of minecan't keep his hands off my good Scotch,So, you see, I placed that Scotch there.My brother sits in this chair, goes out from under him -- Bam! -- Masterpiece.So you make your brother fall and spill his drink? Well, I don't want to jinx it, but that's the plan.Why are you both so mean?Where I come from, brothers respect each other.That's why Colombia is such a peaceful utopia. Hello, ladies.Hey, nice shirt.Do they sell men's clothes where you got that?That's funny because women are so inferior.You got no taste.I bought this for Melanie's baptism.Who's Melanie?Michael's kid, my granddaughter.Oh, I forgot to tell Irene I landed safely.Hello?How could you not knowthat your own brother had a granddaughter?I probably knew.How can you forget when he's family?I have 29 cousins, and I know them all --Rosa Marina, Gloria Maria,- Veronica Maria, Jose Vicente - Okay, okay, okay. What's your point?You do the chair, you do the fighting,But you don't know each other.It's sad.Look, I may not talk to my brotherthe way you talk to your sisters,But believe me, we're close in our own way. When was the last time that you saw him?Well, that's not easy, 'cause he lives up...See, I want to say Buffalo.All I'm sayingis that there's no downside to more education.I knew this car ride was a trap.See that?That right there shows me just how smart you are. Really? Again?What is going on?It's the stupid ad.They're honking on my side, too.Yes, we're the people in the ad.Yeah. Hi.Another great thing about collegecomplete independence.I'd have that in an apartment.No, because to have an apartment, you would need a job. You want to know what your job is in college?It's a little bit of class and homework.And it's a whole lot of new friends.And experiences.And the boys think you're cute and you are cute,And, oh, trust me, that doesn't last forever.Call the number!All right!You in the mood to lose?First time for everything.You break.So, how's work?Don't worry, moneybags. I'm not here for a loan.Nice break.All right, you're solids,which you won't be able to eat in a few years. Right, right.Seriously, though, how are things going with you? Swell.I'm beating a fat guy at pool right now. Donnie, I'm trying to talk to you.Why?Why? 'cause that's what people do.Talk about things, like their lives.Oh, Irene opened her big trap.Look, I'm fine.It's not like I'm gonna die.What?Yeah, they caught it early.I took the treatment. I'm clear for now.Come on. It's your shot.Caught what early?Donnie, are you talking about...cancer?You don't have to whisper. I know I got it.You just get your prostate checked -- by a doctor, not some guy you met on the internet.I can't believe you didn't tell me this.Because it's not a big deal.Now, listen. It's just between us.Oh, god.Irene, how the hell do I know where your glasses are?And there's frisbee golf,And -- and you go snow-sledding on cafeteria trays.Oh, and you all get a dog together.I don't really know who takes care of the dog during the summer, but he's there when you get back.Geez, maybe you should just go back to college.Oh, honey, do you know what I would give to go back?It's this moment when your whole life is in front of you,and it's a magical time.You don't want to miss that,Because when it's gone, it's gone.Yeah, yeah.Come on, Alex. Bus is leaving.Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.Sweet lorna doone!19 missed calls?I wonder who's --Phil Dunphy.You saw the ad?Great.Do you know what you're looking for?The little one?I think I know which one you're talking about.Um, if you're interested,I also have an older model with a lot of character.What?I think the carpet matches the drapes.I haven't checked in a while.Both of them?Wow.Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back?We'll set up an appointment.It'll give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right.Thanks a lot.Bye-bye.How about that, huh?You think all these calls are about the ad?Yeah.My friend Nicole just sent me a picture of the van.I guess I'll be seeing you wednesdaysand every other weekend.Hello?Okay, um, you sound very angry,which is completely understandable.I'm not angry.I'm just sitting here thinking about collegeand how life has passed me by.Oh, thank god. I'll see you at the show.Love you. Bye. We got to go.And as the music swells,we reveal our lettersspelling "We love the world."Powerful stuff.And then the majestic Franklin middle school insigniawill drop into positionif Reuben ever finishes painting it.It's not the sistine chapel, Reuben.Surprise! Hey!Your supportive boyfriend dropped by to bring you a snack. P.B. And J.Pear, brie, and jambon. My favorite!Okay, people, let's take five.A true five.Hey, Manny. How's it going?Good, great, couldn't be better.Can we, uh...Yes, we can, uh -- all right.What's up?Okay, you got to talk to Cam.He's driving us crazy.Kevin is biting his nails again,And Reuben hasn't had a bowel movement in a week.Don't laugh. That's how Elvis died.All right, um, Manny,I-I can't get involved.But, all right, if you have to say something,just tell Bob Fussy that he's overdoing itand you want to go back to your old stuff.Okay, break's over, people!I want to do the french revolution number again.Let's bring out the guillotine.Carefully this time.No, no, no.Excuse me?We don't want to do the new stuff.We want to stop rehearsingand go back to the old way, Bob Fussy.I-I don't know where this is coming from.You all feel this way?Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.Well, I had no idea.I had no idea I was surrounded by a bunch of quitters. This production was a jokeuntil I introduced these childrento the musical-theater greats --Bernstein, Sondheim.Years from now, some of these kidswill still be talking about the way I sondheim-ized them. Ooh, I'm don't think that's a good way of saying -- okay.You want to do it the old waywith the same tired songs, the same drab choreography, the same tepid applause from mom and dad?Is that what you want? Just say the word.That's what we want. Yes. Yes.Well, too bad, people!We're doing it my way! From the top!This is a closed rehearsal. March.Hi, honey. What are you doing out here?Oh, just waiting for you 'cause I love you.Haley, come out this side.Why?'Cause it's fun. Try it.Yeah, the doors slide, the seats slide.What can't the sienna do?That was fun.Right? Let's go see a show!Sweetie, we need to close the door.Yeah, with the key.I like to see how far I can get from the carand still make it work.Listen, honey, honey.- Yeah? - Let me ask you something.Okay, I need you to be really honest with me. Yeah, you ca-- yes.Are my best years behind me?What?No.The trick is to keep looking forward.Here we go.Really?Yes, yes, for sure.You feel good?Yeah, I...Hello, and welcome, everyone.And latecomers.I hope you enjoy the show tonight.I think you will agree it has a certain flairthat has been lacking from this stage in years past. So, please, I invite you to sit back, relax,and enjoy this musical trip around the world! Wow.Growing up in America sure is great,but I wish I knew more about the world.Me too.I think I've got an idea.See you later, friend.Where are you going?To see the world!China looks interesting.I think I'll land here.Bring him down!Bring him down!Just go with it. Go with it.Oh. Hey. Come on.Geez, come on,Jay. You're in the theater.Try your jacket pocket.Sorry, folks.Nice. He taped it shut.Okay, that's enough.Ay! Stupid! You too!Don't hit him. He has cancer. What --Oh, my god, is Luke stuck up there? Phil?Come on.Yeah.Ye-- oh, no.Come on!China sure was fun.and look, there's merry old England. Has anyone here ever seen a globe? Full steam ahead!Ahead!Just sing.Oh, joy to salt-swept eyesFair England, do I seeSorry about what I said to Gloria, okay? Just came out.Let's go back inside.- Hit me. - What?You heard me. Hit me.I'm not gonna hit you, Donnie.Yeah, well, that's the whole damn point.As soon as you heard I was sick,you treated me different.Let me tell you, I get enough of that at home. I'm sorry.I feel a little bad for you, okay?I know we don't say this much, but, uh...I care for you, you know?Do you think I don't know that crap?I have known you cared about mesince we were 8 and 10 years oldand that mook Joey Calieri stole my bike and you put his head in the ice.What was that he said again?Um, "I can't hear no more.""I can't hear no more!"oh, Don.Your stage is all over the place.The kids are exhausted.You're making all about you.No intermission.What, are we animals?I --I'm gonna be fine.I got great doctors.The kids call me every day.Irene even lost 20 pounds due to stress.Good for you.You promise me you'll get that liver checked out.Ah, there's nothing wrong--Come on, Donna. Suck it up.We're missing my kid's show.You son of a bitch.Come on. Come on."I can't hear no more!"Okay, all right.That one was my fault,But Joan of Arc's gonna be just fine.It's not gonna be much fun doing the show without Emma. Maybe we should just stop this.No. No. There is a saying in the theater world that --"It's not worth dying for"?No, it's that "Endings make shows."And we've got a great ending.Now get out there and sing your hearts out.Oh, not you, sweetie. You just mouth the words. Okay.Uncle Cam, both my legs are tingly.Okay, we'll cut you down in just a second, Luke, okay? The show must go on. Have fun with it.Learning about the world sure was fun.But I'm glad to have my feet back on the ground again. Oh, Egypt is a land where the pyramids standWhich were built by industrious jewsAnd windmills go around in Holland townWhere they all wear wooden shoesThese are the things we learned todayAnd there's one last thing we want to say"We love the word"Where's the "L"?That's luke.Lower the insignia.Lower it.Lower it."We love the --"What the hell?No, no, no. No, no.No, no, no.No. No, no, no. No.Brava!Phil, where have you been?Oh, just getting some fresh air.- Honey. - Got it.Ready to go? Hey, look up at the moon.Would you say that's waxing or waning?Who cares? We can spend all night looking --"I can't be satisfied"?!My God, Phil.That makes me look like a prostitute.No.Yes. Yes, it does.More of an escort, really.You're just selling your time.- Whereas a prostitute just-- - Okay, Phil.I have been driving around in this all day.Well, since you're mad already,why don't you just step over hereand have a look at that?Oh, God. My baby.I am not getting back in that car!Oh, how do you think you're gonna get home, honey? It doesn't matter! I'll go home with anyone!That's what it should say on the van.Alex.I can't believe we trusted youto put this on the carafter the debacle of that last picture.Damn it.And that -- who was that?Probably another...I think the word you're looking for is "John."Get in the minivan.You mean to tell me thatpeople have actually been calling about this?There are a lot of creeps out there.That's disgusting. She's a child.Well, to be fair, most of them were for you.Well, it's still sick.What do you mean, "Most"?Well, I don't know. There were 30 calls.You got 20 or 25 of them.And they...ask for me?They asked for the hot blonde.Hmm. Men are pigs.Did they call me anything else?So, thanks to all the perverts in town,I realized I still have a few good years ahead of me. And if we have one person to thank for that,It would be me.No.Was it as awful as I think?Take the flowers.It must have been really hard for you to be supportive while I made a fool out of myself.Oh, come here.Luke, do you mind?We're trying to have a moment here.I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes. - In his eyes? - Yes.Okay. We'll get a janitor.Okay.。

Gloria, honey! 歌洛莉亚亲爱的I'm ready whenever you are! 我随时都能出发We should hurry. The reservation's at 7:00. 我们得快点了预定时间是七点Claire, where are you? 克莱尔你在哪儿Okay, see you in two. 好两分钟后见What are you doing? 你在干什么呢I'm striking a seductive pose for your mother. 我想摆个性感僚人的姿势给你妈看Gross. But I like the suit. Is that new? 真恶不过我喜欢这套西装新的吗Oh, yeah. 是啊Now that his honey gots her own money, 爹爹的小心肝都开始挣钱了daddy went and snagged hisself some new threads, girl. 爹爹自然要给自己买套新衣裳闺女Hands down, your funniest voice. 这绝对是你最搞笑的声音Bordering on the offensive. 快让人觉得恶心了Listen, I'm a realtor, 你看我是房地产经纪人and I work a lot with families, 得与很多家庭打交道so normally, I dial the sexy back to five, 所以通常我不能表现得太性感but Claire's been working very hard lately. 但克莱尔最近工作非常辛苦So tonight... 所以今晚...Stick around if you want to see 留下来看你们的妈妈your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth. 被我迷得口水直流吧Not unless you want to see my lunch fall out of mine. 还是算了除非你想看我把午饭吐出来Oh, I'm sorry I am late. 抱歉我回来晚了Traffic was horrible. 路上实在是太堵了Sounds like someone could use a tall drink of water. 看起来有人急需一大杯水啊Yeah, right. Water. 是啊对水Luke, what did I tell you about 卢克我是怎么跟你说leaning back on that thing? 坐在椅子上向后仰的I don't know. "Don't"? 不知道是"不许这样"吗Honey, what are you still doing here? 亲爱的你怎么还在这里You're supposed to be babysitting Joe. 你应该去照看乔了啊Yeah, but I have to drop off Alex to watch Lily first, 是但我得先载艾丽克斯去照看莉莉and she's still not ready. 但她还没准备好She can't be concerned about her looks, right? 她不会是在穿衣打扮什么的吧- I can hear you! - I'm kidding. -我听得见 -我开玩笑的I'm just saying, 我只是想说it'd be sad to think she actually tries. 如果她还试图打扮就挺可悲的- Heard that, too! - It was a joke! -又听到了 -开玩笑的啦Man, do big ears actually hear better? 老天大耳朵真的听得更清楚吗Oh, my God, just stop talking. 我的天哪别再说了Okay, girls. 好了姑娘们It's time for you guys to hit the road. 你们该出发啦Okay, bye. 好了再见- Oh, yeah, bye. - Bye. -再见 -拜拜Why aren't you going with them? 你为什么不跟她们一起去He wanted to stay home. 他想待在家里I said it was okay. 我同意了- By himself? - It's fine. -他自己吗 -没关系的If he's old enough to watch "The Walking Dead" with me... 如果他能和我一起看《行尸走肉》- He's not. - then he's old enough -他还不行 -他就可以- to stay home alone. - He's not. -一个人待在家里了 -他还不行Claire, he's not a little boy anymore. 克莱尔他不是小孩子了I'm fine. 我没事See how deep his voice is? 你听他的声音多么低沉Are you okay?! 你还好吗请登陆 第五季第五集Oh, this is Haley. 是海莉的短信"Be there in 5. Alex took ducking forever." "五点到艾丽克斯特么磨蹭死了"Oh, it's fine. You know what? 没关系你知道吗We have to pick the "Save the date" card. 我们得选一张"预留时间"卡片I'm at a loss. 我好纠结Can we just do it tomorrow? 我们能明天再选吗I hate the way my dad looks at us when we're late, 我讨厌我们迟到时我爸看我们的眼神like we're two silly queens 就好像我们是两个傻基佬blasting disco music, 一边听迪斯科音乐primping, losing track of time. 一边梳洗打扮毫无时间观念Wow, it gets really busy in that head, huh? 你这小脑瓜想象力真丰富Okay, quick. Which one do you like? 快点你喜欢哪一张- Uh, that one. - Really? -那张 -真的吗I think you picked too quick. 我觉得你太草率了No, I didn't. I really like that one. 不没有我真的很喜欢那张I really like this one. 我真的很喜欢这张Well, then, why did you ducking ask me? 那你特么为什么还要问我Fine, goes with yours. 好吧听你的Well, if that's the one you really like. 如果你真喜欢的话就听你的Can you just get ready? 你能快点准备好吗Yeah. Lily, hit it. 行莉莉开始On it! 遵命Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! 快点快点走啊快点I've never seen you so excited about a restaurant. 我从没见你这么迫不及待要去一家餐厅I've waited six weeks for this reservation. 这次预定我已经等了六周了They have an Australian Wagyu beef 那家餐厅有澳大利亚神户牛肉that's supposed to change your life. 简直会颠覆你的人生In the way heart disease changes your life? 通过心脏病颠覆你的人生吗Because you're a pillar of health. 你真是健康的使者They only feed this cow alfalfa, barley, and red wine, 这种牛只吃苜蓿大麦和红酒and some chef hand-picks each cut, 每块肉都经过厨师手工挑选dry ages it 35 days 然后风干35天before cooking it to a perfect medium-rare, 才做成一道完美的三分熟牛排all for me. 一切都是为我而做Doesn't the wine make the cow drunk? 牛喝酒不会醉吗It's not "The Far Dide." The cow doesn't drive anywhere. 这不是在漫画里牛又不用开车去哪里Gloria! 歌洛莉亚Let's go! 快点走了You know she's not here, right? 你知道她不在这里吧What? 什么She's having her hair blown out. 她在外面吹头发呢That's a thing? 就这么个事儿That I pay for? 要花钱去做吗Gloria's always late. 歌洛莉亚总是迟到Then I get mad and tell her to hurry. 然后我就会生气让她动作快点We yell, and it just takes longer. 我们会争吵结果耽误了更多时间So I promised myself, no matter how late she is, 所以我暗中发誓无论她多慢just to take some deep breaths and stay calm. 我就深呼吸几下保持镇定That's the only thing I learned in lamaze class 这是我在无痛分娩课上学到的唯一一点because we were always late. 因为我们那时也总是迟到Hi! Everybody's running like crazy tonight. 今天晚上大家都跟疯子似的I took San Vicente thinking that I was gonna save some time, 我走了圣维森特路以为会节省时间but then they're working on the sewer. 结果那里在修下水道So I went around Montana, 所以我绕道蒙大纳路down Moreno. 又开到莫雷诺路上But then there's that dip in the road. 但是那条路上有个坑I always forget about that dip in the road. 我总是忘记路上有个坑I hit it so hard that I spilled the coffee all over the car. 车颠得太厉害我把咖啡洒得到处都是Did I tell you who I had coffee with? 我跟你说我和谁去喝咖啡了吗I think Luke is scared to be left in the house alone, 我觉得卢克害怕被单独留在家里and he's just pretending to be brave for you. 他只是为了你表现得勇敢Honey, he's 14. 亲爱的他都14岁了We left Alex alone when she was 10. 艾丽克斯10岁时我们就让她一人在家了We didn't leave her. We forgot her. 不是"让" 而是把她忘在家里了And when we got home, she was fine. 我们赶回家时她不是好好的吗Physically. 身体上没事Plus, she's still friends with 而且她和那个可爱的911接线员that sweet 911 operator. 现在还是好朋友呢Yeah. 是啊What are you doing? 你在干什么Making sure Luke knows 确保卢克知道what to do in case of emergency. 发生意外时该怎么做Of course he does. 他当然知道Someone's at the door! 有人按门铃Luke, it's just your mom testing you. 卢克这是你妈妈在测试你Don't worry, mom. 别担心妈If I hear that while you're gone, 你们不在时如果我听到这声音I won't answer. 我不会开门的I'll just hide where no one can find me. 我就躲在没人能找到的地方Cam, come on, let's go. 小卡我们快走吧Two seconds. 再等两秒钟I thought that being with a man 我还以为和男人在一起meant that I wouldn't have to wait around like this. 意味着我不必这样苦苦等待I feel cheated. I do. 我觉得受到了欺骗真的Let's play dolls. 我们来玩洋娃娃吧Actually, I want to read you one of my favorite books. 其实我想给你读我最爱的一本书It's called "Little Women," and it's about four sisters 书名是《小妇人》讲的是四姐妹who overcome poverty and the patriarchy... 克服贫困和父权制的故事...Nope! Dolls. 不听玩娃娃This is Ashley. She's a wife. 这是阿什莉她是个家庭主妇Well, I hope that's not the only thing that defines her. 希望她不只是个家庭主妇而已Does she have a career? 她有事业吗Nope, she shops. Where's Haley? 不她只购物海莉在哪How come it takes me five minutes to get ready, 我怎么五分钟就准备好了and you take forever? 而你还在磨磨蹭蹭呢Oh, please. I could get ready in five minutes, too, 拜托我也能在五分钟内准备好if I dressed like -- 如果我穿得像...You did it again. 你们又撞衫了Not changing. 誓死不换Fasten your seatbelts. 系好安全带It's going to be a crazy night. 这会是个疯狂的夜晚No, honey, it's gonna be a bumpy night. 不亲爱的这会是个不太平的夜晚Remember, you can't have two dads 记住你有两个爸爸and make that mistake. 不能犯这种错误Bumpy night. 不太平的夜晚Okay, so how often does this happen? 好吧这种事多久发生一次Too often. 太频繁Men just don't have that many options. 男人没有太多选择I can't tell you the number of times 简直数不清有多少次I've walked by a women's boutique 我经过女士服装店时and just thought, "What I would do 心里想"我愿付出一切to have that many choices." 来换取那么多的选择"Don't ever say that again. 永远别这样说了I don't like any part of it. 我一点也不喜欢All right, one of us has to change. 好吧必须得有个人去换衣服We look like twin toddlers at church. 我们看起来像教堂里的双胞胎小孩Yeah, tell me about it. 谁说不是啊And this place we're going is supposed to be super hip. 而且我们要去的地方很高端We're probably gonna run into someone. 说不定会碰到熟人And come on. I don't have that many outfits. 拜托我没有你衣服多My clothes take up exactly one-quarter of the closet. 我的衣服只占了衣柜的四分之一That's not fair. My clothes are bigger than yours. 这样说可不公平我的衣服比你大All right, I hate to play this card, 好吧我不想打这张牌but I was dressed first. So... 但我先换好衣服的所以Oh, that is silly. 真愚蠢Lily, it's time to play "Who wore it best?" 莉莉该玩"谁穿上更好看"的游戏了No, I'm not doing this again. I can't. 不我不玩了我做不到Fine. Alex. 好吧艾丽克斯你来Uh, I don't know. 我不知道Boys' clothes aren't really my thing. 男士衣服我不太懂Really? 真的吗I don't get it. 我不明白Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk? 牛喝了酒难道不会醉吗- Thank you. - Honest to God. -谢谢你 -天啊Have neither of you seen a cow? 你俩都没见过牛吗They're huge. 它们体型庞大I bet tequila would do it quicker. 我敢说龙舌兰酒会让它们醉得更快It's not the goal to get the cow drunk. 目的不是为了让牛喝醉You got to be kidding me. 没搞错吧Manny, see why your mother's taking so long. 曼尼去看看你妈怎么磨蹭那么久And don't tell her I sent you. 别告诉她是我让你去的Mom! Hurry! 妈快点Don't yell. I could have yelled. 别吼啊我自己也能吼- Then why didn't you? - Because I didn't want to yell. -那你为什么不吼 -因为我不想吼- I want you to go. - Why can't you go? -我想让你过去 -你为什么不去Why can't you do what I ask? 你怎么就不能乖乖听话呢I'm trying to do something new here! 我在努力使用新方法Stop yelling, Jay! I'm ready! 别吼了杰我准备好了Oh, geez. 天啊Haley, Manny knows where all the baby stuff is, 海莉曼尼知道婴儿用的东西放在哪里and if Joe won't go to bed, 如果乔不肯睡觉just put on Gladys Knight 就给他放格拉迪斯·奈特的歌曲and bounce him around a little bit. 然后轻轻摇晃他Oh, you still do that? 你还这样做吗I loved when you did that with us. 我以前就很喜欢你摇晃我们How about that? 怎么样Somebody in this family remembers a nice thing I did. 这家里还有人记得我做过的好事I remember something nice you did. 我记得你做过的好事You bought me this dress yesterday when you were working. 你昨天上班时给我买了这条裙子How do I look? 我看起来怎么样Gorgeous. Let's go! 美极了我们走吧You didn't even look at me. Haley. 你都没看我海莉Well, "A," your hair looks amazing, 首先你的发型看起来棒极了like you just got off a horse. 就像是刚从马背上下来似的That's exactly what I was going for. 那正是我想要的效果But if I had one thought... 不过我觉得吧...No! No thoughts. 别别觉得...are those for sure the best earrings? 那对耳环不是最适合的They seem to be kind of getting lost. 感觉不是很显眼I have the same color in a bigger size. 我还有一副这个颜色大一号的- How much bigger? - Like a meter. -大多少 -一米左右A meter? That's like a foot. 一米都有一英尺长了Actually, it's like a yard. 其实应该是一码才对Oh, sorry -- it's like a millimeter. 对不起应该是一毫米左右You mean a centimeter. 你想说的是一厘米吧All this math. Just show me. 数学真麻烦给我看一下好了- Gloria! - What? -歌洛莉亚 -怎么的I think the new earrings 我觉得那副新耳环are really gonna tie your whole outfit together. 一定会和你的整套造型非常搭You're so sweet! 你嘴真甜Wow. That was very mature of you. 你刚才的表现成熟多了Yeah, well, I'm a lot older now 是啊我现在的确比than when she started getting dressed. 她开始打扮之前老多了So this sound... 所以这个声音...that's the doorbell. 才是门铃声That other sound was the smoke alarm. 之前那个声音是烟雾报警器Got it. 知道了Okay, and if you're hungry, don't order a pizza. 如果你饿了不要叫批萨外卖They don't screen those delivery guys. 他们的配送员都没有经过筛选Half of them are ex-cons. 那些人多半都是有前科的Stop it. You're gonna scare him. It's gonna be fine. 够了你会吓到他的不会有事的But if you do choke, you've gotta throw yourself 不过万一你噎住了你要这样against the back of a chair to get the food out. 撞在椅子背上以便把食物吐出来He'll just drink stuff. 他喝点东西就行了Nothing from under the sink. 不要拿水槽下面的东西喝Even if it's lemony? 连柠檬味的也不行吗I'm just messing with you. 我跟你开玩笑的In case of fire, go low and get out. 要是着火就俯下身子跑出去In case of earthquake -- 要是遇到地震Wait. You think there could be an earthquake? 等一下你们觉得会发生地震吗The last time we had one, that big cabinet fell on me. 上次地震时我被那个大柜子压住了- No, it didn't. - It did?! -没有的事 -真的吗Let's go. 我们走吧Bye, honey, we love you. 再见亲爱的我们爱你Do you have the keys? 你有钥匙没We're gonna check in. I promise! 我们会给你打电话的我保证Uhh, what's going on? 怎么回事New suit? 新西服This old thing? 这个吗Yes, it is. 是啊是新的I got it at this hipster place downtown. 我在市里潮人集散地买的You like it? 你喜欢吗It's tight. 有点儿紧Well, the salesman said it was the style, 售货员说现在流行这种风格and he looked like a Mumford and Son, 他看上去像个蒙福之子乐队成员so I think he'd know. 我以为他很了解时尚Mm, let's go. 我们走吧Slow down, Flo Jo. 慢一点女飞人You know what? We don't have time for this. 我们没有时间争论这些了I'll just change. 我直接换衣服好了Well, now I feel bad. Let's both just change. 这让我好内疚我们还是一起换了吧That's the fair thing to do. 这样做才公平Okay, fine. But quickly, pLemony Snicketlease. 好的但是请你快一点I don't know. 我不知道It's blue. 这件是蓝色的Yeah, this one's so yellow. 这件又太黄了Oh, you know what? 你猜怎么着I have a stain on this one. I can't wear it. 这件衣服上有块污渍我不能穿这件Oh, paisley, yeah. I don't know. 涡纹图案不错我不确定Are you kidding me right now?! 你是在跟我开玩笑吗- What? - I know this trick, Cam. -怎么了 -我知道你在耍什么把戏You take forever to pick out an outfit, 你永远也挑不出一套衣服knowing very well that I'll say, "Let's just go," 你知道我肯定会说"我们走吧"because we're late. 因为我们已经迟了Meantime, you get credit for offering to change 这么一来你做了提议换装的好人while I'm the one who actually does. 而我却是真正换装的那个人- As usual. - Excuse me. -你一向如此 -你说什么Are you accusing me of manipulating you to get my way?你是在指责我操纵你按我的方式做事吗Actually... 其实...Because that's what my mother used to accuse me of, 因为我妈以前就是那么指责我的and I got to say 我不得不说that that brings up a lot of stuff with me. 那让我想起了好多伤心事You're crying without tears. 你连滴眼泪都挤不出来Give me a minute. 给我点时间"'Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents,' "圣诞节要是没有礼物就不是圣诞节了" "Grumbled Jo. "乔抱怨道"'it's so dreadful to be poor,' sighed --" "贫困真是可怕她感叹着"Stop! I hate this. 够了我不爱听这个Can I put makeup on you? 我能给你化妆吗Why does everyone ask me that? 怎么总有人这么问我Let's just have a good time tonight, all right? 我们今晚就高高兴兴地享受一下行吗- I'm not mad. - Okay, good. -我没生气 -好很好And you do look super-duper handsome in that. 而且你穿那套衣服帅呆酷毙了Don't even. 别扯了I'm gonna grab a water for the road. 我去拿些水在路上喝Yeah, get me a soda. 给我拿罐汽水Okay, Alex. Thank you so much. 好了艾丽克斯非常感谢你Have a fun night. 晚上玩得开心点Honey, we love you. 宝贝我们爱你- Here you go. -All right. Thank you. -给你 -好的谢谢Okay, and remember, no eating in the living room. 记住不许在客厅里吃东西Aah! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 我的天我的天What did you do? What did you do?! 你做了什么你做了什么Come on! You can't possibly think -- 拜托你不会以为...You shook this can 你摇晃这罐子来着so you could wear the outfit that I wanted to wear? 这样你就能穿这套我想穿的衣服了That is exactly what I think! 是的我就是这么想的That is insane. 这太荒谬了You saw me take it from the refrigerator 你看着我把汽水从冰箱里- and bring it to you. - Did I? -拿出来给你的 -是吗Or were you out of my sight for the two seconds 还是你趁我没注意that it took you to get from the refrigerator to here, 在从冰箱那里走过来的两秒钟里which would have given you exactly the right amount of time 摇晃了这罐汽水而两秒钟刚好足够to shake the can? 用来摇晃汽水Nice theory, Nancy Grace, but I'm not that petty. 真棒大神探但我没那么小心眼Okay, you two. Did you see anything? 你们俩看见什么没有Just pretend you're coloring. 假装在涂色Okay, what are you doing? 你在干嘛I'm trying to reach the mirror. 我在尝试够到镜子I got something in my eye. 我眼睛里进东西了Hi, you've reached the Dunphys. 你好这里是邓菲家Why isn't Luke picking up? 卢克为什么不接电话It's hard to reach the phone 被一个刚被假释的when you're tied up by a recently paroled pizza guy. 比萨配送员绑住的确很难接电话Ha ha. You're very funny. 你真幽默What are you doing? 你干什么I know it sounds weird. 我知道这听起来很奇怪Call it mother's intuition, 也许是母亲的直觉吧but I just have this feeling that something is wrong. 但我有种不祥的预感Fine, do what you want, 好吧你爱怎样就怎样吧but I've just about had it up to -- 但我已经忍了你...higher than here with this. 比这还要多Die, pizza man! 去死吧送比萨的Stop! Stop! 住手住手Oh. Sorry, mom. 妈妈啊对不起Told you he could take care of himself. 告诉过你他能照顾好自己了Move. 让开Why does she do this? 她为什么要这样呢We're gonna lose our table. 我们的订位会被取消的She knows how important it is to me to be on time. 她知道准时到达对我有多重要This is torture. 真是折磨人I think you've lost perspective, Jay. 你重点搞错了吧杰You know what I would give to wait around 你知道我愿付出多少来换取for a woman like that? 等待这样一个女人的权利吗Reel it in, creepy. 少来了小变态That's your mother up there. 你说的可是你亲娘Sorry, sorry. 抱歉抱歉Once I changed the earrings, I had to change the shoes. 我换了耳环之后就得把鞋子也换了And then I tried on one of Gloria's old dresses, 然后我试穿了歌洛莉亚的一条裙子which made me feel like a 10-year-old boy. 让我觉得自己像个10岁的小男孩Ay, your body's beautiful. 你身材很棒I agree. 我同意Take it outside the family. 留着对外人说去Okay, we ready to go? 准备好出发了吗Wait. I have the wrong lipstick. 等等我拿错了口红Oh! That's it! I've had it! 够了我受够了Just one minute! 就给我一分钟Nothing takes a minute with you. 你不可能一分钟内做完We're leaving right now. 我们现在就走I don't care what you have to do. 我不管你要干嘛It's bad enough you're being rude to me, 你对我这么无礼也就算了but you're being rude 但你这样对那些to the people sitting there waiting for us! 在等着我们的人太不尊重了Sorry, you're the first to arrive, 不好意思你们是最先到的and we can't seat you till everyone's here. 我们必须等到客人来齐后才能让您入座I hope you're happy! 这下你开心了吧Where the hell is everybody? 人都去哪儿了Yes, I hate waiting like this. 我讨厌这样等着别人Do you? 是吗Just because everybody else is late 就算其他人都迟到了doesn't make it okay for us to be late. 并不意味着我们迟到是对的I can't get ready fast with all the yelling! 你总是吼我我没法快速准备好I wasn't yelling. 我没有吼你You see, you're doing it again! 你又在吼我了Gloria, you do this every single time. 歌洛莉亚你每次都是这样If you know how long it takes you to get ready, 如果你清楚你要花很长时间准备why don't you start earlier? 为什么不早点开始呢I have my reasons. 我有原因I would love to know them. 能告诉我吗You're going to be mean. 你会嘲笑人家的I promise I won't be. 我保证我不会I like to make an entrance. 我喜欢华丽地登场What's that, now? 你说什么I like the part where I go in, 我喜欢我走进去的时候and everybody's waiting for me, 大家都在等我and they say, 然后他们说"Gloria, you look so pretty, "歌洛莉亚你看起来好漂亮and that dress is so beautiful." 那裙子好美啊"Is that so bad? 这样有什么不好吗I don't love it. 我不喜欢Oh, this room is so nice. 这里真华丽呀I know. It's almost as gorgeous as -- you monster! 是啊华丽得像...你这个禽兽What? Oh, this? 什么这个吗Well, you know, you couldn't wear it, 反正你也没法穿so I figured, what's the harm? 所以我想我何不穿呢Mm. Okay, you know what? I will go over there, 好你知道吗我现在要走过去and I will be as socially magnetic as I always am. 然后我会一如既往地魅力十足We will put this on the back burner, 我们暂且不提这事but underneath, I want you to know, I am fuming. 但我希望你知道我内心已经气炸了Hey, Jay, where's Gloria? 杰歌洛莉亚呢She's -- she was there a second -- 她刚刚还在那儿呢There are my boys! 我的宝贝儿们来啦Gloria, you look so pretty. 歌洛莉亚你真漂亮That dress is so beautiful. 这裙子太美了You got to be kidding me. 有没有搞错You let him watch those scary shows with you, 你让他跟你一起看那些恐怖电视剧and then we leave him home alone at night. 然后我们大晚上把他一人留在家Of course he's gonna arm himself. 他当然会武装自己了He was fine until you gave him your "50 Ways to Die" speech.你给他讲"50种死法"前他都挺好的What was the one about the welcome mat? 有关"欢迎到来"地毯的说的是什么来着They are highly flammable. 那种地毯非常易燃For seven to ten people a year, 每年有7到10人死于地毯自燃they may as well say, "Welcome to the morgue." 毯子上不如写"欢迎来停尸房"好了You know what? Drop it. 好了别说了I don't want to fight in public. 我不想在公共场合吵架- It's embarrassing. - Fine. -太丢人了 -好吧Hi, how are you? 你好吗Good evening. Good. 晚上好我很好Oh, my leg's asleep! 我的腿麻了My leg's asleep! Okay, thank you. 我的腿麻了好了谢谢Sir, if the rest of your party doesn't arrive soon, 先生如果您的朋友们还不到we have to give up your table. 恐怕就得把桌子让给别人了Any minute. 马上就到Again, dad, sorry we're late. 再次道歉爸我们迟到了Yeah, you know, Mitchell put on some music, 是啊米奇尔放了点音乐and we were primping and dancing around, 我们边收拾边跳起舞来了and I guess, well, we just lost track of time. 然后可能就忘记了时间Actually, dad, what happened 事实上爸真实情况是was Cam was practicing this trick 小卡玩了个把戏where he pretends to be accommodating 假装善解人意却神不知鬼不觉地and then magically gets his way. 得到了自己想要的结果There they are. 他们来了We need a second. 我们要离开一下Oh, Cam, no. 小卡别Where are you guys going? 你们要去哪Can't talk. Too mad. 我不想说话太生气了Oh, God. 天哪Hi, dad. 爸Where's Gloria? 歌洛莉亚在哪里She -- for the love of -- 她看在老天爷的份上There you are! 你们来了Oh, my goodness! That dress! 我的天啊这裙子Gloria, holy mackerel. 歌洛莉亚好家伙We're so sorry we're late. 真抱歉我们迟到了We had to drop Luke off at your place. 我们不得不把卢克送到你们家Phil wanted him to stay home alone, but he got scared. 菲尔想让他自己呆在家但他害怕Man, I can't wait to get some food 老天真想赶紧吃点东西in my mouth and yours. 用食物堵住你的嘴Poor Haley. 可怜的海莉What is she going to do with all those boys? 她带着那些男孩子要怎么办啊*I'll be with him 我会陪着他**I know you will 我料到你会**On that midnight train to Georgia 搭午夜的火车去往乔治亚**Leaving on the midnight train to Georgia 搭午夜去往乔治亚的火车离去*You know what? 你知道么I resent the implication that I always get my way. 我很讨厌你觉得我每次都得偿所愿Really? The "Save the date" cards. 真的吗 "预留时间"卡片For our wedding? 为我们婚礼准备的那个吗Oh. So, it is still our wedding. 那还是"我们"的婚礼啊I wasn't sure I was even invited 我都不确定我是否被邀请了because you keep asking for my opinion 因为尽管你一直问我的意见and then doing the exact opposite. 最后却总是按自己的意愿去做- That's one thing. - What about the music? -那只是特例 -那音乐呢I think our love deserves a band, not a D.J. 我们的爱值得乐队来衬托而不是DJ The tablecloths. 那桌布呢They make sneakers out of that fabric. 那种料子结实到可以用来做球鞋You won't let me pick one thing, and you want to know why? 你什么都不让我选你想知道为什么吗Because I have better taste than you. 因为我的品味比你好I was gonna say because you're a control freak. 我想说的是因为你是个控制狂And how can you think that I have bad taste? 你怎么能认为我品味不好呢We chose the exact same outfit. 我们今天选了一模一样的装扮Did we? 真的吗I wore fun loafers. 我穿了轻松的懒汉鞋You wore sensible oxfords. 你穿了实用的牛津鞋Your collar's buttoned down. 你的领口系的紧Mine's a more current widespread. 我的是时下流行的敞开状And I chose a bold pocket square 我选了一条醒目的方巾to bring out the stripe in the shirt, 去衬托衬衫的条纹all of which you wouldn't have thought of. 所有这些都是你想不到的Because, well, I've already said. 原因呢我刚刚已经说过了You don't like my oxfords? 你不喜欢我的牛津鞋吗I'm sorry. I'm being harsh. 对不起我嘴太毒了- They're fine. - Thank you. -他们还说得过去 -谢谢For a small-town detective. 如果你是个乡村侦探的话Okay, look. I can't help myself. I did it again. 好吧我没忍住我又毒舌了So, I-I don't love them. 我不爱你的鞋But I do love you. 但我爱你And I don't want you to feel left out. 我不想让你感觉被冷落Okay. Then let me have a say in planning our wedding. 好那让我在婚礼策划中有话语权That's what we agreed to. 我们之前说好了的You will, and you should, and I'm sorry. 你会的你也应该有对不起Thank you. 谢谢Can you just do one thing for me? 那你能为我做一件事吗Sure. 当然Just be honest, and I'll let this go forever. 实话回答我然后我就不会再提Did you shake that can? 你到底有没有摇那罐汽水No. 没有I'm gonna ask you one more time. 我再问一遍See, Phil? 看到了吗菲尔They don't let Manny stay home alone. 他们不让曼尼独自呆在家Why do you think Haley's there? 要不然为什么海莉会在那里Actually, we let Manny stay home all the time, 事实上我们经常让曼尼自己在家and sometimes, he makes cupcakes, 有时他还会做小蛋糕which I could use one right about now -- 现在要是能吃上一个就好了or a potato. 或者烤土豆也行。

Okay, gang. 好了伙计们Tonight, the Farewell to VHS Festival continues. 今晚录影带告别仪式继续It's been mighty cold in here since "The Big Chill." 大寒潮[《山水又相逢》]以来这里变得很冷What say we warm our hearts by... 能够温暖我们内心的就是"St. Elmo's Fire"? 圣艾尔摩之火[电影《七个毕业生》]Yes! 没错Couple of wine coolers and some '80s Rob Lowe-- 一边喝清爽酒一边看80年代帅哥I can get into that. 我应该会喜欢I'm still holding out hope I'll have plans tonight. 我还是希望今晚有我自己的计划Great. Two for two. Haley? 太好了两个都赞同海莉呢Oh, so fun, but I'm gonna have to say no. 听起来很有意思但我没空参加I have a photography-class thing. 我有个摄影课的事情What kind of a thing? 什么事情Oh, you know, just an exhibit, 就是展览嘛like, to show our photos. 展示我们的照片什么的Is it something that we should go to? 需要我们参加吗Claire, we just made plans. 克莱尔我们有计划了Mom, this is a college class. 老妈这是大学的课程I'm not in the third grade. 我不是三年级小学生了Don't you have nap time there? 你们不是还有午休时间么No. I have free periods, 没有我只有空课时间during which I sometimes nap. 那时候我才偶尔午休一下Is it me, or was she just being purposefully vague? 是我想多了还是她刚刚故意说得很含糊Alex, I want you to go through her stuff 艾丽克斯你去看看她的东西and find out about this thing tonight. 查出她今晚到底是干嘛Wait, wait. 等等I-I don't feel good about us snooping. 我觉得我们这样窥探不太好I know. That's why I told Alex to do it. 我知道所以我才让艾丽克斯去做I think Haley knows more than she's letting on. 我觉得海莉知道的比看上去的多It breaks my heart how badly you want to believe that. 你这样想真是伤透了我的心We'll see you guys later. 我们过会儿见Where are you going? 你们要去哪里Riding our bikes to Xander's. 骑自行车去赞德家What are you doing there? 你们去那里干什么I don't know. Hanging out. 不知道啊就一起玩玩Sounds fun. Wear your helmets. 听起来很有意思戴上头盔哦We will. 会的I'm not writing my first novel by blowing through a tube.我可不想插着呼吸机写我的第一本小说I don't like them going over to that kid's house. 我不喜欢他们去那孩子家Why not? 为什么Mm, Xander's a bad influence. 赞德会带坏他们的His older brother is even worse. 他哥哥简直更糟糕Huge stoner always walking around 满身肌肉的大块头很爱抽大麻in his army jacket with his muscles, 总穿着他的军装瞎晃悠flipping his hair out of his blue eyes. 还老喜欢拨弄头发露出蓝眼睛He told me I was looking good one time. 他有一次还说我漂亮I mean, come on. 拜托省省吧Yeah, we'll keep our eye on that. 好吧我们会留意的But for now...Xander. I don't trust him. 但现在问题是赞德我不信任他Claire, you're a tough one to figure out. 克莱尔你真是难以捉摸You don't trust bad boys, and yet you married one. 你不信任坏男孩却嫁给了我My handsome boy's so hungry. 我的帅小子饿坏了All right. Be back in a few. 好了我很快回来If Shorty calls, tell him I died, 如果小短打电话来告诉他我死了but make sure you really sell it. 但要保证让他信服It's a funny thing we're doing. 我们在玩一个很有趣的游戏How is that funny? 那怎么会好玩I knew you'd say that. 我就知道你会这样说Just don't answer the phone. Bye, buddy. 总之别接电话再见伙计What's all that about? 这是怎么回事You mad at me or something? 你生我气了还是怎么了I don't know. 我不知道Did you do something to make me mad? 你有做什么让我生气的事吗Because then I am. 那样的话我就是在生气But if you didn't, then I am not. 如果没有我就没生气I didn't do anything. 我什么也没干啊Then I am not mad. 那我就没生气I am mad. 我生气了Last night, Jay had a sexy dream about some woman. 昨晚杰做了个有关别的女人的春梦Baby. 宝贝Oh, baby. 宝贝Oh, baby! 宝贝And I know it wasn't about me, 我知道那不是我Because he knows that I hate when men call me baby. 因为他知道我讨厌男人叫我宝贝And, yes, people are allowed their private thoughts, 没错人们允许有自己的私密想法and I shouldn't be so angry, 我也不应该这么生气But I am latin, so I get to feel whatever I want. 但我是拉丁人所以姐想生气就生气You want to tell me what I did? 你想跟我说我干了什么吗Do you want to tell me what you did? 你想跟我说你干了什么吗I don't know what I did. 我不知道我干了什么啊Then I don't know what you did. 那我就不知道你干了什么I'm bored. I'm going. 我受够了我要走了Don't forget your phone. 别忘了你的手机I got a bruise on my arm. 我手臂上有片淤青I don't know where it came from. 不知道从哪儿来的Oh, poor baby. 可怜的宝贝And then I realized 于是我意识到I don't want to work for Charlie anymore. 我不想为查理工作了What I really want -- 我真正想要的是I'm sorry. I can't listen to this. 抱歉我听不下去了I need to tell you something, 我要跟你说件事but you have to keep it a secret. 但你得保密Of course. I'm a lawyer. 当然我是律师I've heard murder confessions. 我还听过谋杀供述呢- Really? - Well, in -- -真的吗 -好吧在in mock trials at law school. 在法学院的模拟法庭上But still, I never told anyone. 不过我还是守口如瓶Seriously, this is only for you. 说真的只跟你说You can't even tell Cam. Promise? 连小卡都不能说你能保证吗Uh, okay. 好Is everything all right? 你还好吗Look under the table. 看桌子下面Above the ankle, below the knee, what do you see? 脚踝以上膝盖以下你看到什么了I'm a little nervous about this, but -- 我对此有点紧张但是Oh, oh, my gosh! You didn't? 天啊你没有吧I did. Calf implants. 我做了小腿肌肉植入Wow, and you really went for it, didn't you? 你还真是没少往里面植入啊No, no, no. They're still swollen. 不不不它们还肿着呢And that's why you're wearing sweat pants. 所以你才穿着运动裤Okay, I was -- 好吧我...I was afraid you'd just given up. 我还怕你就这样放弃So, whew! 真是松了口气They'll settle. 它们会恢复的I'm gonna start casually referencing my new workout plan, 我打算随意地提到我的新健身计划and then I'm gonna debut them 然后在阵亡将士纪念日那天memorial day at Laguna beach. 我会在拉古纳海滩展示出来I personally don't think that you needed them, 我个人认为你不需要这样but if they make you happy -- 但如果那能让你开心- They do. - Good. -会的 -那就好I always wanted to be 我总是想成为one of those guys running in tights, 穿着紧身裤跑步的男人but I was too embarrassed about my legs. 但我的小腿腿型还不够完美Well, if you'd just gone running -- 如果你去跑步...Yep. You're overthinking this, Mitchell. 你多虑了米奇尔No joke, you can't tell Cam. 不开玩笑你不能告诉小卡I love him, but he is a giant blabbermouth. 我爱他但他是个超级大嘴巴Oh, come on. He's not that bad. 拜托他没那么坏啦He just -- yeah, no, I can't even sell that. 他只是算了我自己都不信Jay, to what do I owe the pleasure? 杰哪阵风把你吹来寒舍了I'm just here to pick up Manny. 我只是来接曼尼的No need for a whole thing. 没必要搞这么隆重I don't know why I do that to him. 我不知道我为什么要那样对他The guy's always so happy to see me. 他见到我总是很高兴I'm not gonna worry about it. 我懒得管了Manny's not here. 曼尼不在He actually went with Luke over to Xander's. 他和卢克去了赞德家Whoa! Manny didn't tell you he was going either? 曼尼也没告诉你他要去那里吗I told you, those boys are being cagey. 我告诉过你那些男孩子在隐瞒什么There is a chance 有可能是Gloria let me drive over here for nothing as punishment. 歌洛莉亚让我白跑一趟来惩罚我I think she snooped on my phone, 我觉得她偷看了我的手机read some of my e-mails. 读了几封邮件That's not cool. E-mails are private. 这样可不好邮件是个人隐私They were from a friend I loaned money to. 是找我借钱的朋友发来的- 100% your prerogative. - A woman. -绝对是你的特权 -一个女人Oh, no. 不是吧Well, I'll tell you what I'd do. 我来告诉你我会怎么做I'd tell my lady, 我会告诉我女人"You got no business being in my business." 你没权力干涉我的事Respect your man's boundaries. 尊重你男人的隐私Honey, you promised 亲爱的你答应过you'd clean the pan if you made brownies. 做完布朗尼蛋糕后会洗盘子的Well, maybe I forgot to spray it first 也许我忘了先喷点水and I'm letting it soak, woman. 现在我让它泡着呢女人He only talks like this when you're around. 你来时他才这样说话Well, then, he's done for the day. 那他今天可以到此为止了Oh, okay. Good. 好吧很好- Bye, dad. - See ya...buddy. -拜拜爸 -回头见伙计I have tracked Luke's cellphone, 我追踪了卢克的手机and he is nowhere near his friend Xander's. 他可不在赞德家附近Honey, I love technology as much as the next Wozniak, 亲爱的我像下一位沃兹尼克一样热爱科技Honey, I love technology as much as the next Wozniak, [苹果公司创始人]but are we sure we want to be spying on our kids? 但我们真的要监视自家孩子吗No, and you also shouldn't try to friend us 不要你也不该用伪造的身份with fake Facebook profiles, 在Facebook上加我们好友Margot LaCroix. 玛戈特·拉克鲁瓦I was really hoping some 我原本期望of this would go away when you got a job. 你工作以后能不这么疯狂了呢How about I just ask him? 我直接问他怎么样Oh, man. 天啊I wish you were my dad. 真希望你是我爸爸The things I would have done. 能避免我犯多少我没犯过的错啊- Hello? - Hey, buddy. -喂 -儿子Just making sure you got to Xander's okay. 只是想确定你平安到达了赞德家Yep. All good. 是啊平安无事Really? 'cause I hear traffic... 真的吗因为我听到汽车的声音...and Xander lives on a pretty quiet street, right? 赞德住在一条很安静的街道上对吧Actually, we left Xander's, 其实我们离开了赞德家and now we're at Sammy's. 现在我们在萨米这里Well, that makes perfect sense. 这就讲得通了You have fun. Be safe. 你好好玩注意安全He's lying. 他在撒谎Look. His friend Sammy lives here. 瞧他朋友萨米住在这里He's all the way over on Olympic and 20th. 而他在奥林匹克街和20号大街的路口Olympic and 20th? 奥林匹克街和20号大街吗That's the old salvage yard 那是一家废品回收站where kids go to get high. 孩子们会去那里嗑药- What?! - No. -什么 -不Oh, we are going there right now. 我们现在就要赶过去Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure? 等等你确定吗I'm gonna answer, and then I'm gonna walk away. 我回答完这个问题后就出门Deal? 好吗Okay. 好I'm 420% sure. 我百分之420肯定Wow, she's bad at math. 她数学真差Hey, guys. 爱人们Hi, daddy. 二爸How was lunch? 午饭怎么样Oh, it was fine. 还不错Hey, when did salmon become a thing that we put on salad?人们什么时候开始往沙拉里加三文鱼了2008 in the city, 2011 in the suburbs. 市里是2008年郊区是2011年How was Brett? What's the drama du jour? 布雷特怎么样今天又有什么好戏Nothing. 没什么Oh, please. It's never nothing with that one. 拜托他就不是个安分的角色His perm, the stalker he pretends to have, 他的烫发假装自己有跟踪者nobody will date you when you work at the I.R.S. 在国税局工作就没人愿意和你约会了I hate it. What was it this time? 我烦死了这次又是什么事No, seriously, nothing. 说真的没事I guess it is nice to have something other than chicken 也许在沙拉里加点鸡肉以外的东西to throw on there. 也挺好的Okay, why are you being so evasive? 你为什么逃避话题I'm not being evasive. I-- 我没有逃避啊我...Check out this new tie. 瞧瞧这条新领带Oh, my gosh. 我的天You are redirecting me, 你在转移话题like we do when Lily asks us a question 就像我们不想回答we don't want to answer 莉莉的问题时and just throw a doll in her face. 就把娃娃塞到她面前Wait a minute. 等等Don't be ridiculous. 别胡思乱想了Like I could do that with an adult. 我怎么会这么糊弄一个成年人Check out what I got for you. 看看我给你买了什么Oh, good, yes. A garlic press. 太好了压蒜器I am so tired of my fingers smell-- 我还真受不了我的手指闻起来Oh, my gosh. You did it again. 我的天你又在转移话题了- What's that? - Oh, it's got to be good. -什么 -肯定很劲爆- What?! - Tell me. -什么 -告诉我- No, nothing. - Tell me. -不没什么 -告诉我- There's nothing to tell! - Tell me. -没什么好说的 -告诉我- There's nothing to tell! - Tell me, tell me, -没什么可说的 -告诉我告诉我tell me, tell me. 告诉我告诉我Here. Answer me. 来回答我How does santa claus get to all of those houses? 圣诞老人怎么去得了那么多房子Okay, sweetie, the adults are talking right now, 好了亲爱的大人在说话呢And look what daddy brought you. 看爸爸给你买了什么Mitchell, when somebody tells me something, 米奇尔要是有人跟我说了什么I can't wait to get home and tell you. 我都等不及回家告诉你Don't you feel the same? 你难道没有同感吗Of course I do. 我当然有了But he -- he made me promise. 但是他他让我保证不说的Well, you know what? We don't have to share secrets. 你知道吗我们不需要分享秘密We don't. 不需要We already share a house, a life, 我们都已经分享了房子生活a daughter. 还有个女儿You know what?I don't -- 你知道吗我不I don't know why I care so much. 我不知道我为什么这么在意Okay, all right, okay. 好吧好吧He got calf implants. 他做了小腿肌肉植入Oh, my god! Oh, what do they look like? 我的上帝什么效果啊Like he's smuggling two grapefruits. 就像他偷运了两个葡萄柚一样Which, by the way, were also on my salad. 而且我的沙拉里也有葡萄柚Okay, this is huge. This is huge. 这可是大新闻啊太大了Who all knows? We have to host a brunch. 都谁知道我们得请他们来吃早午餐Don't you dare tell a single person, okay? 不许跟任何人说知道吗He made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you. 他让我保证不告诉别人特别是你- Especially me? - Oh, please. -特别是我 -拜托Everybody knows you're terrible at keeping secrets. 谁都知道你守不住秘密Okay, well, I didn't know that was my reputation. 好吧我还不知道我有这样的名声Maybe that's a secret people have been keeping from me. 也许这是个大家都在瞒着我的秘密I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. 我不想伤害你的感情Well, you did. 你已经伤了And you know what the sad thing is? 你知道让人难过的是什么吗We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now.我们本来可以一起嘲笑某人的小腿植入的Hey, what are you doing? 你在干什么I'm just watching you sleep. 我只是在欣赏你的睡姿You look so pretty. 你看上去真漂亮Okay, but don't breathe so loud. 好吧但别太大声喘气Hey, where are you going?! 你去哪儿啊I can't find a way in. 我找不到可以进去的地方I can't see anything, 我什么都看不见but I hear them laughing. 但我听见他们的笑声了And you know why kids laugh. 你知道小孩子为什么会笑Because their hearts are filled with joy, not suspicion? 因为他们心中充满喜悦而不是怀疑吗We have got to see what is going on in there. 我们一定要搞清楚他们在干什么Get the drone thing out of the car. 把那个嗡嗡响的东西从车里拿出来That "Thing" is a professional aerial-photography tool 那个'东西'可是专业航空摄影器材for real-estate use only! 只为房地产事业服务You used it at the beach to film yourself doing sand angels. 你用它拍你自己在沙滩堆小天使For my "Phil Dunphy Will Get You 那是我在拍宣传片a Heavenly Deal On a Beach House" video. 《菲尔为您的海滨别墅提供天堂般好价格》A professional real-estate tool! 专业房地产用具That was the consensus. 你答应过了的Hey, Alex. What did you find out? 喂艾利克斯你找到什么了Okay, this is a bigger deal than Haley let on. 好吧这件事确实比海莉说的更重大Only five people in her class 她班上只有5个人were picked to show their photographs, 被选上参加摄影展And haley was one of them. 海莉是其中之一Amazing! 太棒了Are there more than five people in the class? 她班上一共不止5个人吧Yes. That's the first thing I checked. 是的那是我最先核查的Then we really do have to be there. 那我们确实一定要去看看了Call uncle Mitchell and grandpa and see if they can join us.打电话邀请米奇尔舅舅和外公一起来She didn't catch you snooping, did she? 她没发现你打探她的隐私吧No. She's taking a nap. 没有她在睡午觉She's been taking a lot more naps lately. 她最近睡午觉比以前多多了See what you can find out about that. 去看看能不能查出是怎么回事This is so wrong. 这样做太不对了Eh, well, desperate times call for desperate -- 特殊时期特殊...What is on your head? 你脑袋上是什么东西It provides glare protection, but apparently not from you. 用来防眩光的但显然挡不住你的怒视Let's just do this. 赶紧开始吧We are airborne. 我们是空军Expertly navigating the wires. 熟练地越过电线You're right. 你说得对We have cleared the wall. Approaching target. 我们已经通过围墙接近目标There they are. 他们在那里What are they doing? 他们在干什么They're jumping around on stuff. 他们在什么东西上跳来跳去Do you see anything suspicious, like, um -- 你看到什么可疑的东西了吗比如like smoke or paraphernalia, nachos? 比如烟或者什么相关设备干酪玉米片No, they're filming each other 不他们在互相拍摄and moving around like zombies. 还像僵尸那样跳来跳去Honey, they're not getting high. 亲爱的他们没在吸毒They're making a movie... without me! 他们在拍电影居然没带我Wait, wait, wait, wait. 等等等等等等Then why would luke have lied 那为什么卢克要撒谎说about going to Sammy's, huh? 去萨米家呢Honey, look. 亲爱的你看Honey, look. 萨米废品回收站Oh, god. 天啊Well, he's still our little boy. 他还是我们的小乖乖Oh, we got to get out of here. 我们得走了He cannot know we were spying on him. 可不能让他知道我们监视他- Come on. - Too late. -快点 -已经晚了It's too late. They're pointing at the drone. 太晚了他们发现了我的遥控飞机- What? - We're compromised! -什么 -我们被发现了Get out, get out! 快走快走I can't leave the drone! 我不能丢下遥控飞机It belongs to the office! 那是公司财产They're still mad at me for writing 他们还在因为我在白板上on the dry-erase board with a permanent marker! 用永久性记号笔而生我的气呢Get in the car. 快上车Go, go, go! 快走快走What was that thing? 那是什么东西Somebody was filming us. 有人在偷拍我们Hey, my dad has one of those. 我爸有个那种玩意儿I know what's going on here. 我知道怎么回事了A movie studio is trying to steal our idea! 有个电影公司想偷我们的点子Spielberg. 斯皮尔伯格I told you guys, zombie parkour is a million-dollar idea. 我就说过僵尸跑酷是个超棒的点子I still don't get it. Zombies don't move well. 我还是没懂僵尸移动速度不够快Vampires, maybe. 吸血鬼估计会好一点Plus, there's your title -- "Vam-par-kour." 标题我都想好了 "吸血鬼跑酷"I don't hear it. 我听不出有什么特别的Look at that. 瞧瞧That's how I like to be greeted when I come home! 我最喜欢回到家被这样迎接了It turns out Manny's hanging with his friends today, 曼尼今天跟朋友出去玩了so I didn't need to go pick him up. 所以我不用接他Oh, right. So sorry. I forgot to tell you. 是哦不好意思忘了告诉你But, then, you don't tell me everything, 不过反正你也不是什么都告诉我so I guess it's okay. 所以没什么所谓You got a lot of nerve. 你说这话太过分了You are the one who went through my emails on my phone. 你都已经查过我手机上的邮件了What are you talking about? No, I didn't. 你在说什么我才没有So you're not mad at me for something you found on my phone?所以你不是因为我手机里的东西生气No. 不是All right, then. Great. 好吧那很好No harm, no foul. 没有伤害就不算犯规I'll see you at dinner. 晚餐见Give me that phone! 把手机给我I want to see what you're hiding! 我要看看你在藏什么I'm not hiding anything. 我什么都没有藏I don't even know how to use the damn thing. 我都不知道怎么用这该死的玩意儿Oh, look. I accidentally dialed Alex. 看吧我不小心拨给了艾丽克斯Let me say hi to her. The kid idolizes me. 我先跟她说两句她可崇拜我了Hi, hon. 你好宝贝Hi, Grandpa. 外公好Real quick, how do I delete e-mails on my phone? 问个问题我要怎么删除手机上的邮件Well, first, you have to check your inbox, 你得先查一下收件箱your trash folder, and your sent folder. 垃圾箱还有已发送邮件People often forget about the sent folder. 很多人会忽略已发送邮件Trust me, you get pretty adept at this 相信我你要是也得抢在一个when you have to stay one step 喜欢偷窥的老妈之前删掉邮件ahead of your snooping mother. 你也会很擅长这个的Give me the phone. 把电话给我Got to go. 我得挂了Uh, yeah, sure. I-I-I have nothing on here. 好的我我手机里没有秘密Let me just disconnect from grandpa, 我先挂了外公的电话which is not happening right now. 好像挂不掉I can see what you're doing, Alex. 我看到你在干什么了艾丽克斯Why did just delete a text from uncle Mitchell? 你干嘛要删掉米奇尔舅舅的短信I didn't! 我没有Shouldn't you be more worried 你不是应该更担心that Haley has a nurse's uniform in her closet?! 海莉衣柜里的护士服吗I can only handle one thing at a time. 我一次只能顾得上一件事- Hey, Claire. - Hey, Mitchell. -你好克莱尔 -你好米奇尔Why would Alex delete a text from you off her phone? 为什么艾丽克斯要删掉你给她的短信I'm not answering that question. 这个问题我不回答People's phones are their own business. 手机是人家的私事What? 怎么了I got to go. Give me your phone. 我得挂了把手机给我No. Why? 不行凭什么Because you're texting someone 因为你在跟人发短信and you look very guilty right now. 而且看起来很内疚Or I'm playing "Words with friends" 我在玩"一起来填词"with Longines. 跟朗吉尼斯一起None of those words better be "Calf" or "Implants." 猜的词包括"小腿肌肉"和"植入"吧Oh, my gosh. Here. You know what? 天啊给你你知道吗Take my phone... 拿走我的手机and admit that you don't trust me, 然后承认你一点都不信任我吧Your fiance, and co-father of your daughter. 你的未婚夫和你女儿的另一个爹Go ahead. 查吧Push the button. 按键啊I'm good. No, I'm fine. I trust you. 没什么我很好我信任你Oh, my gosh! 我的天啊Hey, guys. 伙计们You want some red stuff that reminds you of wine? 想喝点红色的像酒的东西吗- Sure. - Yep, I do. -当然 -我也是So, when's this exhibit open? 展会什么时候开I don't know. Maybe the details are in Jay's phone. 我不知道细节大概还在杰的手机里But I hope not, 不过我希望不是because everything is very secret on there. 毕竟那里面装的都是秘密Don't know if you caught that subtle cue. 你们大概也看出来了She's mad at me. 她在生我的气He did something very terrible 他做了很可怕的事that he doesn't want me to know about. 又不愿意让我知道"Very terrible"? 很可怕Until you tell me what it is, 除非你告诉我I'm gonna think the worst possible thing, 不然我会联想到最坏的可能like maybe you killed somebody. 比如你杀了个人But you don't have the stomach for that, do you? 不过你估计没那个能耐是吧Thank you so much for coming. 真高兴你们能来I know how busy you all are with work and errands 我知道你们都忙着工作和杂事and snarking about me on your cellphone. 还有卑鄙地在短信里说我闲话Let it go, Claire. 别纠结这事了克莱尔Honestly, Phil, i don't know how you do it. 说实话菲尔我不知道你是怎么忍受的I don't know how you do it. 我不知道你是怎么忍受的Compromise and compassion. 退一步海阔天空She wasn't really asking you. 她不是真的在问你Hey, hey! Here comes Luke. 卢克来了What do we say we were doing today? 我们该说我们今天干了什么When has Luke ever showed any interest in what we do? 什么时候卢克关心过我们干了什么Okay, but be cool. 好吧放轻松If he finds out you were tracking his phone, 如果他发现你追踪了他的手机he'll think we don't trust him. 他会认为我们不信任他Ooh. Plus, then I could never do it again. 可不是而且我也就不能继续追踪了Hey, guys! 你们好啊What's up? 你好How was your day? 你今天过得怎么样It was fine, you know. 还不错你们知道的We don't know. How would we know? 我们不知道我们怎么会知道Oh, we just mean what did you do? 我们只是问问而已Not like, what did you do? 不是在问你都做了些什么And we're just like, "Hey, what -- what'd you do?" 只是顺口一问"嗨你都做了些什么" You guys are acting weird. 你们表现得好奇怪No, we're not. You are. 我们没有你才奇怪What did you do today? 你们今天都做了些什么- We just stayed home - We went shopping. -我们只是待在家里 -我们去购物了Online shopping at home for pants. 在家里网购裤子We both needed pants. 我们俩都需要裤子I told you he was gonna ask. 我跟你说过了他会问起的Wait a minute. 等一下Was that your drone today? 今天那是你的遥控飞机吗Were you spying on us? 你们在暗中监视我们吗I'm sorry. Your mom made me do it. 对不起是你妈妈逼我做的She thought you were smoking grass. 她以为你在吸大麻Grass? Claire. 大麻克莱尔No one says grass. 现在没人用大麻这个词了I never said grass. 我没说过是大麻It's not that crazy an idea. 这种想法也不是那么疯狂We weren't smoking anything. 我们什么都没有吸Manny would never. 曼尼永远不会做那种事Thank you, mom. 谢谢妈妈He's so judgy about those things. 他总是很嫌弃那种事情The only reason why I walk that stupid dog 我遛那条蠢狗的唯一原因is so that I can smoke my cigars in peace. 就是我可以安静的抽会儿烟I can't believe you were spying on us. 我简直不敢相信你监视我们You have to stop being so suspicious, Claire. 你不能再这么疑神疑鬼的了克莱尔It's okay to trust people. 你要学会相信别人Some people. Other people, who knows? 某些人可以其他人鬼知道You turn your back for one second, 你就疏忽了一秒钟and they have a whole other family 他们就不知在什么鬼地方on the bad side of town. 组建了一个新家庭You are my other family from the bad side of town. 你就是我组建的新家庭Look, I can't stand this all night. 我不能一晚上都得忍受这些指责I loaned someone money, Gloria. 我借钱给别人了歌洛莉亚I didn't consult you. I knew you'd be pissed. 我没有征求你的意见因为我知道你会生气She's just a friend. 她只是一个朋友"She"? "她"Is this the woman 这就是那个that you've been dreaming about at night, 你夜里梦见的女人吗that you've been making the sexy noises and saying, 你甚至用性感的嗓音叫她"Baby, baby"? "宝贝宝贝"What the hell are you talking about?! No?! 你这是在说些什么当然不是Then prove it! Give me the phone! 那就证明一下给我你的手机Honestly, you people -- 实话说你们这群人and by that, I mean straight people are ridiculous! 我指的是你们这些直人简直太可笑了Everyone's entitled to a little bit of privacy. 每个人都有权力拥有一些隐私Says the guy who forced me to 逼我说出朋友的秘密的人tell him our friend's secret. 还好意思说出这种话Okay, that's different. 好吧那是不一样的That was gossip, 那是八卦- and gossip belongs to everyone. - Okay. -八卦是属于所有人的 -好吧Just keep your nose out of other people's phones. 别老惦记着别人的手机了You either trust them or you don't. 你要么就相信他们要么就不Give me that. 把手机给我- Ha! Yes. - Give it back. Give it -- -终于拿到了 -还给我还给No, but you can have mine, 不行但你可以拿我的看'cause I have nothing to hide. 因为我光明磊落I'll take that. 我要了Oh, my god. Mom, no, please, stop. 天哪妈妈不要这样做Here, here. Wait. Let me help you. 在这在这等等我帮你拿出来It's crazy, right? 这太疯狂了对吧Ha ha. No, I knew it. 我就知道"L.O.L. 笑死了Do you think Brett likes his coffee black 你觉得布雷特喜欢喝黑咖啡or with calf-and-calf?" 还是一半咖啡一半水or with calf-and-calf?" [calf小腿与half一半音似]Okay, I admit it. I have a problem. 好吧我承认我是有问题But I only told one person. It was too juicy. 但我只告诉了一个人这消息太劲爆了And Crispin said he wouldn't tell anyone. 而且克里斯宾说了他会保守秘密This is from Longines. 这条是朗吉尼斯发来的Oh, that lying Crispin. Give me that. 那个骗子克里斯宾把手机还给我I cannot believe he betrayed my trust. 我不敢相信他背叛了我的信任Now Pepper's chiming in. 现在胡娇也插进来了Jackals, all of them. 大骗子所有人Oh, that Pepper. 胡娇真会说笑Oh, my g-- 我的天Uncle Mitchell was helping you get me a birthday present?你让米奇尔叔叔帮你给我买生日礼物吗。

We got a package from my dad. 我爸寄来了个包裹No air holes in the box. 盒子上没有气孔That's a good sign. 这是个好兆头Lily loved having that chicken. 莉莉很喜欢那只小鸡One more time than she realized. 后来吃得也很开心尽管她不知情Listen, I just got an e-mail from our wedding singer. 我刚收到婚礼歌手的电邮- He has a small request. - Another one? -他有个小要求 -又来吗Since when does the wedding singer send us requests? 婚礼歌手何时开始向我们提要求了Well, no, he just wants to change a few songs in your medley 不他只是想把你的几首歌换掉to avoid overlap with the stuff that he's performing. 以免跟他要表演的部分重复Well, I hope it's none of my showstoppers. 可别换了我的重头戏Oh, they're all showstoppers. 你的歌都是重头戏啦Oh, you're too kind. 你太好了Oh, my gosh, it's us. 天啊是我们For our wedding cake. 放在我们的婚礼蛋糕上Couldn't you just die? 是不是激动得要死了I really think I could. 我真觉得我要死了My dad made this. 我爸爸做的He's a world-class soap carver. 他可是世界级的肥皂雕刻师You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed, 我小时候有一次说脏话and my mom washed my mouth out 我妈妈用他雕的比萨斜塔with the leaning tower of Pisa. 洗我的嘴She still blames herself to this day. 她到现在还在自责Oh, I would have nixed that wedding topper immediately,本来我是会马上反对那个婚礼蛋糕人偶的but Cam and I have an agreement. 但小卡跟我有项协议We -- we each got three vetoes of each other's wedding ideas --我们每人有三次否决对方婚礼创意的机会No questions asked. 无需任何理由And it -- it worked for...a while 倒是实施了那么一小会儿I think you're gonna love my wedding board. 你会爱上我的婚礼公告牌的I'm pretty excited, too. 我也非常激动- Veto. - Veto. -反对 -反对- Veto. - Veto. -反对 -反对I'm sorry I'm so emotional. 很抱歉我太激动了It's just the nicest thing ever. 真的是最棒的礼物了You don't think that I look just a little bit -- 你不觉得我看起来有点I mean, my dad carved through his arthritis! 我爸爸忍着关节炎刻出来的Maybe it's the kicky leg. 可能是因为那只翘起来的腿I mean, the hours his ruined hands put into this. 想想他用一双残手雕刻所投入的时间He found us in soap. 他在肥皂中挖掘到了我们Today, mitchell, I know love. 今天米奇尔我懂得了爱I no love, either. 我也懂得了"唉"So, take your time looking around. 你四处看看吧Thanks. 谢谢I'm helping Gloria sell the old apartment 我在帮歌洛莉亚卖掉她在认识杰之前that she and Manny lived in before she met Jay. 和曼尼住的旧公寓It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood 这里的邻居前卫大胆with a distinct multicultural bent 拥有鲜明独特的多元文化趋向that's undergoing an exciting urban renewal. 正在经历着令人欣喜的城市复兴That's a fancy way of saying "The gays found it." 换个说法就是"基佬们发现了这块宝地"I can't believe that I lived here for five years. 难以置信我在这里住了五年Even turning the lights on was a pain. 连开灯都很痛苦Look at this. 你看Keep it down, you bitch! 小点声你个婊子Ay. Mrs. Rivera's still alive. 里维拉太太还活着I am really digging this place. 我还真中意这地方Right? 是吧The gas stove, the moldings -- 瞧瞧这燃气灶线脚they don't make 'em like this anymore. 如今很难找到这样的房子了I'll probably gut it. 我可能会全拆掉Rip it out. 全拆掉That's what I'd do. 我也会这么做I want my contractor to swing by, 我会让我的承包人来看看but I really like it. 但我真的很喜欢这里Great. All right. Thanks. 太好了好极了谢谢- Bye-bye. - Talk to you soon. -拜拜 -再联系So nice to meet you. 真高兴认识你I'm not selling to him. 我才不卖给他What? Really? 什么真的吗He's a quality buyer. 他是个不错的买家啊You're tired of finding renters. 你也不想再找租客了This is a family building. 这房子是给一大家子人住的Generations have lived there, 一大家子几代人and usually at the same time. 往往是数世同堂He just wants to flip it. 他不过是想转手赚钱Okay. 好吧I got a backup I can probably get here in an hour. 还有另一个买家大概一小时后能到You want to wait in there? 你想去那里面等吗You walk in that door, 你走进去You walk in that door, [鸡尾酒吧]you never come out. 就别想出来了No, no, not the bar -- the coffee shop. 不不不是那家酒吧是那家咖啡厅Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. 对啊我说的就是那个But we can wait next door. 但我们可以去隔壁等That's my old hair salon where I used to work. 那是我以前工作过的美发店You can get drinks there, too. 去那里也有的喝Gloria! 歌洛莉亚No, no, no, it's not Jay. 不不不这不是杰What's so funny? 什么这么好笑What's so funny? 什么这么好笑She thinks you're my lover. 她以为你是我情人That is funny! 太好笑了I don't know if it's "a room full of women laughing" funny,我不确定是不是值得一屋子女人捧腹大笑but... 但是Ay, Rita, no. 丽塔不是啦Phil is a friend of mine, 菲尔是我的一个朋友and we're just killing time before an appointment. 我们在等人过来消磨点时间I hate to ask, Gloria, 我也不想这样歌洛莉亚but my new girl hasn't shown up. 但我新招的店员还没来Any chance you could help? 你可以帮忙吗Ay, of course! 当然可以啦It will be so much fun! 一定会很好玩的I don't want to ruin my nails. 我不想毁了我的指甲Phil, would you do my shampooing? 菲尔你能帮忙洗头吗Well, I-I guess so. 应该可以吧We've got the time. 我们还有时间Just a warning -- 我得声明一下I haven't shampooed professionally since college, 大学后我就没有专业洗过头发了and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear. 那只是一份兼职来付拉拉队服装的钱Wow. That was super-braggy. 我真是太爱炫了What do we got, double sinks? 这里有什么并排水槽吗What's the nozzle sitch? 花洒还好使吗Not to sound too braggy, 我不想太炫耀自己but your mom was kind of 但你妈妈我这周工作a badass at work this week. 是上天入地无所不能It was hard enough with grandpa being sick 外公病了我突然掌管大权and me suddenly in charge, 这就已经够艰难了but it was just one crisis after another. 但危机真是一个接一个啊Luke, honey, we're going! 卢克亲爱的我们要走了Fire in the warehouse, 仓库起火surprise inspection from OSHA, 职业安全和健康署突击检查our biggest buyer tried to pull out of a deal, 我们最大的顾客企图取消订单and I have to talk him off a ledge. 我得让他打消这个念头Whatever. It's over now. 随便啦都结束了I don't want to bore you guys with this stuff. 我不想说这些来让你们觉得无聊So, when I get to work on Wednesday, 我周三去上班时Margaret is ready in tears, 玛格利特已经在哭了and there are two cops in the waiting room, 接待室里有两名警察and I say to them, 我对他们说"One of you had better be able to drive an 18-wheeler, 你们最好有人能开18轮巨型货车"because I've got 100 rosewood panels to get to Victorville, 因为我要送100块紫檀板去胜利谷or it's coming out of my paycheck." 不然我就要用薪水补偿了I told you guys about the drivers and the bad tuna? 我跟你们说过司机和变质金枪鱼的事了吗- Bad tuna, - Yes. -变质金枪鱼 -对- yeah. - Yes, I did. -说了 -我的确说了Hey, mom, I forgot how fun this car was. 妈妈我都忘记这辆车有多好玩了And these automatic doors and that TV in the back. 自动门还有后排的电视You know what else was fun? 你知道还有什么很好玩吗The party they threw for me at work on Friday. 他们周五为我办的派对I mean, it was a little bit embarrassing. 那的确有点尴尬啦I didn't even know "She-ro" was a word, 我都不知道还有"英雌"这个词儿and there it was, in icing. 结果他们用糖霜写了这个词Hello, hello! 好啊好啊Welcome to Jay's night. 欢迎来到杰之夜Names, please. 请报上尊姓大名Want to make sure you're on the list. 确保你在邀请名单内Kidding! Just excited. 开玩笑啦我很激动Appetizers on the bar, 吧台上有开胃菜scrabble on the coffee table, 咖啡桌上有拼词游戏and our feature presentation, 还有我们的特色演讲"The Great Escape." "超级大逃亡"Speaking of which, Haley... 说到这个海莉Don't worry, grandpa. 别担心外公I'm not leaving. 我不会走的I have no plans for the night. 我今晚没安排Me, either. 我也没有But when I say it, it's news. 但我没安排是了不得的新闻When you say any complete sentence, 你说了任何一句完整的话it's news. 都是了不得的新闻Okay, girls. Dad, you feeling better? 别吵了姑娘们爸你好些了吗You had a rough week, huh? 你这周很难受对吧Nah. I'm fine. 我没事Looks like you had a big week. 看来你这周很忙啊You heard about that? 你听说了吗Yeah, I got the blow-by-blow on all the office drama. 办公室八卦的所有细节都尽在我掌握By the way, sincerely... 顺便说一句真的...Yeah? 什么...great... 超棒...great guacamole on the bar, there. 吧台那边的鳄梨色拉酱超棒Wow. That's it? 就这样吗Everything you did for him, 你为他做了那么多事and he doesn't even say "Thank you"? 他都不说一句谢谢吗I get it. 我明白了It's "Hero" with a "She." 是"英雄"中的"雄"换成了"雌"Okay, I'm up to speed. 好我跟上了Yeah, that was cold. 是啊太冷漠了It's just his way. 他就是这样After years of disappointment, 多年的失望过后I have learned not to expect a pat on the head from my dad. 我学会了不指望我爸给我肯定He's not capable of it. 他做不到But it has taught me a very important lesson 但这教会了我一个很重要的教训that you girls should learn, too -- 你们也该学学approval comes from within. 自我肯定首先要来源于自身I knew that, mom. 我知道妈妈'Course you did, 'cause you're smart. 你当然知道啦因为你聪明Hey, is Lily out of the tub? 莉莉从浴缸里出来了吗We got to be at my dad's soon. 我们得赶去我爸家了Oh, no! 不It's not that big of a deal. 没什么大不了的We can be a little late. 我们可以稍微迟到一会儿No! Lily had the cake topper 不莉莉把我们的蛋糕人偶in the tub with her! 带进浴缸了Oh, no. How could such a terrible mistake have occurred? 不怎么会犯这么严重的错误呢I think she must have just thought it was a toy or something.我想她一定以为那是个玩具之类的Well, I hope it's not completely ruined forever. 希望人偶没有被玩坏Oh, no. Are you kidding me? 没有你开玩笑吧My daddy uses a special shellac on this thing. 我爸爸用了特殊的虫胶清漆This is water-resistant, 这玩意儿能防水heat-resistant -- you name it. 隔热百毒不侵Good to know. 真好Yeah, but put it someplace safe. 是啊放在安全的地方It could still be slippery, 可能还有点滑so be careful. 小心点Is it? 是吗Oh, yeah, it is! 是啊的确是It's slippery! 好滑Is it okay? 没坏吧Not a scratch. 安然无恙Apparently, I'm tougher than I look. 显然我比看上去要强壮Hey, boys. Having fun? 孩子们玩得开心吗You know it. 你知道的Love us some Jay's night. 我们喜欢杰之夜Okay, we're out of here. 好了我们走吧Kristy Hughes, 克里斯蒂·休斯A.K.A. "Kristy huge ones," 外号"克里斯蒂·胸器"is having a pool party two blocks away. 在两个街区外开泳池派对What about Jay? 那杰怎么办He thinks we're at a party. 他认为我们就是在开派对He'll never know. 他不会知道的We sneak out, work the room, 我们偷偷溜出去溜进屋里cannonball, cannonball, 欣赏大胸and we're back in time for dinner. 然后我们赶回来吃晚餐Were you even invited? 你被邀请了吗No. 没有But that's only because I don't know her or any of her friends.但那只是因为我不认识她或她的朋友We're not invading her house. 非法入侵的事咱们不能干Besides, this hair at a pool party -- 再说我这头发在泳池派对上One dunk, and it goes off like an airbag. 一碰水就跟安全气囊似的爆开了What's this? You made sauce? 这是什么你做了酱汁吗Well, you were sick. 你生病了I didn't know if you could handle it. 我不知道你能不能坚持做饭Back in Vietnam, I had hepatitis. 越战的时候我得了肝炎Still managed to cook Thanksgiving dinner 照样给三百个士兵准备了for 300 soldiers. 感恩节晚餐I think I can handle sauce. 我觉得我能搞得定酱汁Well, I saved you the trouble. 我这不是帮你省了麻烦嘛So, Margaret tells me I'm using some new delivery trucks now.玛格利特告诉我公司在用新的运货卡车Yeah. They're hybrid. 是的它们都是混合动力的Now, they cost a little more, 确实贵一些but when I factored in the tax rebates 但是我把使用绿色产品的you get for going green, 退税算上we come out ahead. 我们就把钱赚回来了Speaking of "Green," 提到绿色you went a little heavy on the vegetables, huh? 你蔬菜放得太多了吧I'm not sure I can stomach anything that's healthy. 我不确定我能吃下任何健康食物Gosh, mom, that truck thing sounds so amazing. 天啊妈妈那些卡车听起来真不错Yeah! 是啊It's fine, dad. 没关系爸Only do what we're capable of, right? 只做力所能及的对吧Oh, damn. 该死No, Stella, stay. No. 不斯黛拉站住不行Good girl. 乖狗狗Thank you, Stella. 谢谢斯黛拉Thank you for listening. 谢谢你听我的话Oh, I'm so proud of you. 我太为你骄傲了Who's my best girl? 谁是我的好闺女Don't. 不用了Okay, girls, we are ready for scrabble. 好了姑娘们我们准备好拼字游戏了I'll grab some snacks. 我去拿些零食Uh, potato chips, please. 我要薯片拜托了Oh, so I can hear about how much 然后我就能整晚听你抱怨you hate yourself all night? 你有多讨厌自己了Hello, Luke. 你好卢克Come on! We've got to go! 拜托我们去吧That party's full of sophomores. 那个派对上都是高二的学生Those women have lived. 那些学姐们可都是过来人No, we're going back inside, 不我们现在回屋去we're eating Jay's food, 吃杰准备的食物and we're playing his board games. 然后玩他的桌游More like boring games. 应该叫"无聊"游戏吧They're already called "Board." 那名字本身就和"无聊"读音相同You don't make it more clever by -- 你没必要再做多余演绎了Never mind. 算了Okay. Thanks. 好的谢谢Did you work everything out with the wedding singer? 你和婚礼主唱把问题都解决了吗Oh, yeah -- I'm just dropping my big finale 是的我刚放弃了我的压轴表演because he's doing the same song. 因为他要唱同一首歌"My Way"? 《我的路》吗His way. 已经是他的路了Hey, guys. 大家好啊Sorry we're late, 抱歉我们迟到了but we come with wine. 但我们带了红酒And whittlin'! 还有雕刻艺术哦Check it out. 看看This is a beautiful gift my father made 这是我父亲做的美丽礼物for the top of our wedding cake. 为了放在结婚蛋糕上面的I guess he ran out of soap before he got to me. 我猜他肥皂用光了所以没把我放进去- Darn. - For you. -太糟了 -给你Ladies, check out 女士们来看看your uncle Mitch and Cam in soap. 肥皂版的米奇尔和小卡叔叔That's soap? 那是肥皂做的吗It's beautiful. 太漂亮了This is my worst nightmare. 这是我最恐怖的噩梦You shouldn't have blown through those vetoes. 你不应该把否决权都浪费了的This is how Cam's dad sees me -- 这就是小卡爸爸眼里的我like some fawning damsel. 像个谄媚的黄花闺女一样If anything, Cam's the damsel. 小卡更像个黄花闺女Dad! 爸Thank you. 谢谢A lot can happen before the big day. 大婚之前什么都可能发生Believe me, I've already tried. 相信我我什么招都试过了That thing is indestructible. 那东西简直坚不可摧What if it went missing? 如果它消失不见了呢Things disappear around here all the time. 我这里可总是丢东西Do they? 是吗All the time. 一直都是Let's just say I have a friend 我有个小伙伴who helps me in these kinds of situations. 总在这样的时刻帮我I'm listening. 我听着呢The less you know, the better. 你知道的越少越好I'm not listening. 那我不听了We never had this conversation. 这段对话从没发生过This is a non-versation. 这是段"没话"Right. 是的I am giving you the...no-ahead. 我要你 "不动手"Oh, I miss you girls. 我太想念你们了Nobody in my white family thinks that I am funny. 我的白人家庭里没人觉得我幽默Honey, Hector had a life before he met you. 亲赫克托遇到你前有自己的人生So I have to eat dinner with his ex? 所以我就得和他前任一起吃饭吗Well, you certainly don't want him going alone -- 那你肯定不想让他自己去吧Not with his history. 特别是他还有那么段历史Who are you really mad at? 你到底是生谁的气呢Ay, I don't know. 我不知道Come on, Luisa. 说说吧路易莎Raul! 劳尔Hector's going to hurt me just like Raul did! 赫克托会像劳尔那样伤我的心There it is. 这就是了But Hector isn't raul, okay? 但赫克托不是劳尔对吗They're just cousins. 他们只是表亲而已We need to get a move on. 我们得走了The client's gonna come over to the apartment at 4:00. 客户会在四点来看房I am swamped. I can't just leave. 我太忙了脱不开身Gloria, we're here to sell your apartment. 歌洛莉亚我们是来这卖你的公寓的We don't work at the salon. 不是来发廊打工的Muchísimas gracias, Bianca. 非常感谢比安卡No más texting ese hombre. 别再跟那个男人发短信了It's for a young couple with a baby on the way. 这是一对快生小孩的年轻夫妇They're not flippers. 买房不是为了转手赚钱They're looking for a place to settle down and make a home. 他们是想找个地方安定下来Okay, just move them. 跟他们换个时间If they really want it, they'll come back. 要是他们真想要这房子肯定会回来的But, Gloria -- 可是歌洛莉亚Ay, please, just help me with Anna's foils. 拜托你帮我处理一下安娜的锡纸I have a weave emergency! 我得赶紧去帮人驳发Something's not right. 有点不对劲Qué qué pasó? 什么怎么了No, no, no, not with you. You look great. 不不跟你没关系你好着呢You know who's gonna hate this, 你知道谁会痛恨这个造型吗is a certain jealous sister. 对你羡慕嫉妒恨的小姐妹Cinco de my, oh, my. 来我们击个掌How am I supposed to do this with so many "I"s on my rack? 我这儿有这么多个"I"让我怎么玩How am I supposed to do this with so many "I"s on my rack? [曼尼听成"eyes on my rack:这么多只眼睛盯着我的脖子"]Sorry. 真抱歉Where's Luke? 卢克在哪儿How long does it take him to get the dictionary? 他拿个字典要这么久吗We described it for him perfectly. 我们很清楚地告诉他字典长什么样子了Wait a minute. 等等He's not coming back. 他不会是不回来了吧He's not coming back. [音似Move your ass: 动作快点]Ugh. Move your "S." 移动你的"S"I-I'm going as fast as I can. 我已经走得够快了Mitchell! It's gone! 米奇尔它不见了What is? 什么东西The cake topper. 那个蛋糕装饰人偶Lily, have you seen the little daddies 莉莉你有看到之前跟你一起洗澡的you were bathing with earlier? 小版爸爸们吗Don't say that. 别这么说话I saw Stella playing with it. 我看到斯黛拉在玩它What? 什么Oh, look at her. She's all muddy. 瞧瞧她身上全是泥巴She must have brought it outside and buried it. 她肯定是叼出去埋起来了She does it all the time! 她老是做这种事Oh, no. We have to go find it. 不我们必须找到它Good luck. 祝你们好运That thing's as good as gone. 那东西估计是找不到了Dang it! 真糟糕And the worst part is, 最惨的是we don't even have a picture of it. 我们连张照片都没来得及拍Do we? 我们有吗Okay, we can't give up. 我们不能放弃Let's go out into the yard and look for it. 我们去院子里找找看Careful. I wouldn't come between Stella 注意点换成我是不会干涉斯黛拉and anything she's buried. 藏任何东西的She's a wild animal. 她有自己的天性No telling what she'll do. 不会别人告诉她会做什么That's a very aggressive stance. 这姿势真是充满挑衅的味道Luke! Wait! 卢克等等Oh. Look at that. 瞧瞧你You left your yard, 你都离开院子了and your little shock collar didn't go off. 你的电子项圈居然没有响Luke -- 卢克Okay, so, here's the new plan. 好了新计划是这样的You hang back while I break the ice, 你站后面由我先来活跃气氛and then, when the time is right -- 等到一个恰当的时候Manny! You made it! 曼尼你来了Who's this? 这是谁"Who's this?" 这是谁Excuse me, 拜托Kristy huge ones, I have a name. 克里斯蒂·胸器我是有名字的Okay, come on. Stop. 好了别闹了I'm tired of chasing you all day. 我追了你一整天已经受够了Then don't. 那就别追我Stay as long as you want at that lame party. 去那个无聊的派对上玩吧You want to talk? 你想聊聊吗You're the dorky sidekick, not me. 你才应该是那个呆呆的配角不是我Want to talk nicer? 能稍微友好点吗How could you be invited and I wasn't? 凭什么她请你不请我I don't know. 我不知道It's like the stuff that used to make me kind of weird, 貌似过去我身上让人觉得奇怪的地方people are starting to like. 开始招人喜欢了So? 所以呢I'm the same as I always was. 我还跟以前一样Well...maybe you could upgrade a little. 说不定你可以提高一下自己Well...maybe you could upgrade a little. [尤达:《星球大战》中的人物]Uh, we're tired of the yoda voice, 我们受够了你的"尤达"音and if a girl tells you she went to london, 如果有个女孩告诉你她去了伦敦maybe don't ask if she also saw France. 最好别问她是不是看见了法国I liked things better when you were the one 我还是喜欢who was ostrich-sized. 你比较像鸵鸟的时候What? 什么You know, like a freaky outsider -- 你懂的一个怪异的圈外人the way an ostrich feels around regular birds. 鹤立鸡群的感觉You know what else girls like? 你知道女孩子还喜欢什么吗The mysterious, silent type. 神秘又安静的类型What are you doing with my sauce, there, cookie? 你在对我的酱汁做什么伙计That's yours. 那才是你的This is mine. 这是我的I prepped it this morning. 我早上就准备好了I figured, why not make it? 我想了下为什么不做呢Um...maybe because I already made sauce? 因为我已经做好了Can't have too much. 多多益善Can't ya? 是吗Hand me that ladle, huh? 把汤勺递给我What are you doing? I got it. 你干嘛我已经拿住了What do you say? 你要说什么What? 什么What do you say when somebody does something for you? 当别人为你做事的时候你要说什么What do you say? 你要说什么You want me to thank you for handing me a ladle? 你想让我谢谢你把汤勺给我吗You thanked the dog for staying -- 你感谢了狗狗站着不动which is basically doing nothing -- 虽然它其实什么都没做so I know you know the words. 所以我确定你知道该怎么说Fine. 好吧Thank you for handling me the ladle. 谢谢你把汤勺递给我You sure those are ready? 你确定这些煮好了吗You sure those are ready? [旧时通过意大利面是否能粘到墙上来判断是否煮熟] You didn't throw one against the wall. 你还没往墙上扔呢Oh, dad, nobody does that anymore. 爸现在没有人这么做了Oh. I guess we have new ways for doing everything now, huh?就是说我们做所有事都换新方法了是吧No. I didn't say that. 不我可没那么说I'm just saying that you can taste your food 我只是说你可以直接尝一下熟了没有instead of flinging it at the wall like a chimp. 而不是像黑猩猩一样往墙上甩Okay. 好吧How's it taste? 味道如何Actually, mm, that's pretty good. 事实上还不错But it could use a little, 但是如果能加点um...sauce. 酱料Let me just -- ooh, hot. 我来试试好烫Try a little Parmesan with that? 再加点帕尔马干酪I should probably get that bread in the oven. 我应该把面包放进烤箱了Just... 只要Okay! Hey! 好了好了Hey, how about we take over in here 这里交给我们吧while you two get cleaned up for dinner? 你们去收拾一下准备吃饭了Yes, good idea. 好主意Yeah. Okay. 好的Approval comes from within. 自我肯定首先要来源于自身Thank you. 谢谢Your sauce needs garlic. 你的酱料需要加点蒜- Okay. - Okay. -好了 -好了And that's a clock. 这是个表Okay, well, do another one. 好吧再试另一个地方I've done like four. 我试了四个了This dog is a worse hoarder than your uncle Clayton. 这只狗比你叔叔克莱顿还爱囤东西He's a collector. 他是个收藏家Of expired yogurt? 收藏过期酸奶吗Getting tired. 累死我了Cam, can we just stop, please? 小卡能不能别找了I feel like we've done our best, 我觉得我们已经尽力了but we're just not gonna find it. 肯定是找不到了Found it! 找到了Oh! Good. 太好了Thank god. 谢天谢地I hadn't even told you my biggest plan for this yet. 我还没告诉你我对它的宏伟计划呢Bigger than the top of our wedding cake? 比装饰蛋糕还宏伟的计划吗I'm gonna have a mold made of it and give a reproduction 我要用它做个模子然后批量生产to everyone who comes to the wedding 赠送给每一位来参加婚礼的and everyone who can't come to the wedding. 和来不了的客人Imagine hundreds of these across the country. 想象一下数百个我们的人偶散布全国No! 不No! No! Absolutely not! 不行不行绝对不行I hate it! It's awful! 我讨厌它太恶心了I knew it! 我就知道I knew it! 我就知道It just shows up in Lily's bath, 它只是恰巧出现在莉莉的浴缸里and then, all of a sudden, the dog has it? 然后突然间又被狗叼走了吗You have it in for this beautiful topper. 你就是故意盯着它不放Look at this. Look at it. Look at it! 你看看你好好看看它Come on, you're all heroic and Paul Bunyan-y, 你一副威风凛凛大块头的样子and I'm -- I'm, like, some sissy man 我呢我就像个娘娘腔with -- with pinkish cheeks and a turned-out heel. 红着脸颊夹着腿It's a caricature. 那只是一种表现形式What matters is what it represents. 重要的是它代表的意义My daddy making this for us 我爸爸为我们亲手制作的means he's accepted us for who we are! 说明他已经接受了我们本来的样子Don't you get that? 你难道不明白吗I never really thought about it that way. 我倒是没有从这个角度想过No. You hadn't. 你确实没有I'm just being sensitive. 我只是有些敏感了I need to have a thicker skin. 我应该神经再大条一点I-I'm really, really sorry. 我真的非常非常抱歉No, don't -- don't -- don't be sorry. 不不用抱歉No. 不用And I -- n-- I don't want something at the wedding 我不希望有你不喜欢的东西that makes you uncomfortable. 出现在婚礼上Well, no, that doesn't seem fair. 不那不太公平I've used up all my vetoes. 我的否决权已经用光了Well, if it -- 如果I guess, if it makes you feel better, 能让你好受一些的话I could give you one more veto -- 我可以再给你加一个否决权if you give me one more, too. 但你也要给我加一个Okay, sure. 好吧当然可以And in the future, 如果以后if there's anything -- 有什么事情The wedding singer. 辞掉婚礼歌手Okay. Thanks, daddy. 好的谢谢爸爸I'll send you the perfect picture to model it on. 我会给你一张非常适合的照片作参考After today, I'm convinced 今天过后我相信了our landfills are 10% hair. 10%的填埋垃圾是头发Oh, yes. 是啊I forgot how exhausting this is. 我都忘记这事这么累人了Well, all we have to do 现在我们只需要is meet the clients back at the apartment, 回公寓去见一下客户and then we can head home. 然后就可以回家了Ay, no. I'm too tired now. 不我现在好累Let's reschedule. 改期吧Really? Again? 真的吗还改Yes. Let's meet them next week. 是啊下周再见吧And besides, we're late for Jay's party. 而且杰的聚会我们已经迟到了Well, I'm not letting you go home looking like this. 我不会让你这个样子回家的You're a little ratty back here. 你头发后面有点乱Ay, no. 是啊No, no, no. I got it. 没事没事我来You just relax. 你放松就好What a day, huh? 今天真是够累的Being back here must bring up a lot of memories. 回到这里一定唤起了你很多回忆Maybe even some emotions. 也许还有一些情绪Yeah. It feels weird. 是啊感觉怪怪的No, weird's an adjective, 怪是一个形容词not an emotion, but go on. 不是一种情绪但你继续说Well, it's just that my life now is so different than before -- 我现在的生活与以前大不相同so much easier. 轻松多了And that makes you feel...? 所以你觉得Good. 很好And also...? 还有呢And bad. 也不好Why? 为什么I don't know. 我也不知道Come on, now, Gloria. 说说吧歌洛莉亚I don't know. 我也不知道I guess it just makes me feel a little ashamed. 我想我只是觉得有些惭愧Now, what in the world do you have to be ashamed of? 为什么会惭愧呢It's just that, you know, 只是你懂的before, when I used to live here, 以前住在这里时I used to work for every penny. 我要努力工作赚钱I would stand on my own two feet. 我全靠自己Now I just stand on expensive shoes 现在我穿着这些昂贵的鞋子that Jay buys for me. 都是杰买给我的Is that why it's so hard to let go of the apartment? 是因为这样才不想卖掉房子吗No, Phil, it's not that -- 不菲尔不是因为这个Gloria. 歌洛莉亚。