trying smarter not harder
When we first read the following story, we had just begun teaching a course called "The Million Dollar Forum," a course designed to teach people to accelerate their income up to levels of a million dollars a year or more. Early on we discovered people get locked into a rut of trying harder without trying smarter. Trying harder doesn't always work. Sometimes we need to do something radically different to achieve greater levels of success. We need to break out of our paradigm prisons, our habit patterns and our comfort zones.
I'm sitting in a quiet room at the Milcroft Inn, a peaceful little place hidden back among the pine trees about an hour out of Toronto. It's just past noon, late July, and I'm listening to the desperate sounds of a life-or-death struggle going on a few feet away.
There's a small fly burning out the last of its short life's energies in a futile attempt to fly through the glass of the windowpane. The whining wings tell the poignant story of the fly's strategy: Try harder.
But it's not working.
The frenzied effort offers no hope for survival. Ironically, the struggle is part of the trap. It is impossible for the fly to try hard enough to succeed at breaking through the glass. Nevertheless, this little insect has staked its life on reaching its goal through raw effort and determination.
This fly is doomed. It will die there on the windowsill.
Across the room, ten steps away, the door is open. Ten seconds of flying time and this small creature could reach the outside world it seeks. With only a fraction of the effort now being wasted, it could be free of this self-imposed trap. The breakthrough possibility is there. It would be so easy.
Why doesn't the fly another approach, something dramatically different? How did it get so locked in on the idea that this particular route and determined effort offer the most promise for success? What logic is there in continuing until death to seek a breakthrough with more of the same?
No doubt this approach makes sense to the fly. Regrettably, it's an idea that will kill.
Trying harder isn't necessarily the solution to achieving more. It may not offer any real promise for getting what you want out of life. Sometimes, in fact, it's a big part of the problem.
If you stake your hopes for a breakthrough on trying harder than ever, you may kill your chances for success.
Do I Need To Like Myself?
非得喜欢自己吗？
Yes! People who don't like themselves are a pain in the neck1!
Usually, people with a poor self-image use one of two irritating2 strategies3. They either:
a) criticize you a lot or
b) they criticize themselves a lot.
STRATEGY A: They criticize you a lot. They figure4 that by criticizing other people they can feel better about themselves.
Let's take Fred, who feels inferior5. Fred thinks he has a big nose and piggy eyes. He also secretly feels a bit stupid.
So what's his strategy to feel better about himself? He criticizes all his friends. He has names for them like “Flathead”, “Chicken Legs” and “Dogbrain”. Whenever someone else makes a mistake, he announces it to the whole class. (He probably doesn't even realize he criticizes people—or why he does it.)
If you have parents, friends or brothers and sisters who don't like themselves—they might criticize you and everyone around them. Just remember that they criticize you because they have a problem. If you remember that they are actually hurting inside, you won't get so upset by their behaviour.
STRATEGY B: Some people who don't like themselves criticize themselves a lot. They use reverse6 psychology...
Take Mary who doesn't like herself. She's always telling you, “You are prettier than me. You are smarter. Nobody likes me.” She's hoping that you will reply, “No Mary! You are clever. You are beautiful.” After a while, people like Mary get on your nerves7!
In a nutshell8
When we don't like ourselves, we irritate other people. We also put ourselves through a lot of stress. When we accept ourselves a little better, we don't play these games.
How Can I Like Myself？
In our hearts, most of us believe we should be doing better. We think that we should have gotten higher grades. We want to be popular and hang out with9 the “in”10 crowd. We feel we don't measure up to11 our parents' expectations. Our parents help to confirm12 this idea when they ask, “Why can't you be more like your brother?”
Whenever you are feeling low, be your own best friend. Accept that, up to now, you have lived your life the best way you know how. No one sets out13 to screw up14 their life! Like anyone, you've done the odd stupid thing. With more information you'll likely do better in the future.
Liking yourself means forgiving yourself. If you have made some serious mistakes, if you have hurt some people—and yourself—feeling guilty won't help.
If you are feeling guilty about something, you have already suffered enough. Being guilty for another six months won't help anybody.
Forget perfection and aim for improvement.
It's a funny thing. When you forgive yourself for your own mistakes, you automatically15 begin to let others off the hook16 for the same things.
“But I’m Not Brilliant...”
You might look at yourself and say, “I'm not as beautiful as my sister, I'm not as talented as my friends and I'm not brilliant at anything! How can I feel good about me?”
Fact: Nobody is good at everything and most of us have those thoughts!
But here's the lowdown17! Talent and beauty are very useful—but there are plenty of talented and beautiful people around whom we don't necessarily admire. And some of them are a pan18 in the butt19!
The qualities most of us value above all others are honesty, courage, persiste
nce20, generosity21 and humility22. Take a look at this list and you'll find something interesting. You aren't born with these things. You develop them. Anyone can have them! If you want self-respect, and respect from others, you don't have to be an Einstein or a super-model.
You simply work at developing your own honesty, determination, generosity, humility and courage. It is called “character23”.
In a nutshell
How you feel about yourself is in your hands.