------------------------------------------01-------------------------------------------You know that feeling when a guy you like sends you a textat two o'clock on a Tuesdaynight asking if he can come and find you,and you've accidentallymade it out like you've just got in yourself,so you have to get out of bed, drink wine, get in the shower,shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business -suspender belt, the whole bit -and wait by the door until the buzzer goes?And then you open the door to him,like you've almost forgotten he's coming over.- Hi. - Hey.Hey.Hey.And then you get to it immediately.After some pretty standard bouncing, you realise... ...he's edging towards your arsehole.But you're drunkand he made the effort to come all the way here,so you let him. He's thrilled.I'm so thrilled.And then the next morning, you wake to find him...fully dressed, sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you. - He says that... - Last night was incredible.Which you think is an overstatement,but then he goes on to say that...It was particularly special because......I've never managed to actually......up the bum with anyone before.To be fair, he does have a large penis.And although it's always been a fantasy of mine, I've... never found anyone I could do it with.And then he touches your hair......and thanks you with a genuine, earnest...Thank you.It's sort of moving.Then he kisses you gently.And then he leaves.And you spend the rest of the day wondering...Do I have a massive arsehole?This doesn't happen very often, does it?No.I su...I suppose it's...It's quite rare, yeah.I hate myself.Are you going to work?- No, actually... - OK, this is going to sound crazybut I think that I should take your numberand I think I should call it,and I think I should askyou if you want to go out for a drink with me.Fuck me! You've got a boyfriend?No...No, we broke up quite recently, actually.My God. I'm so sorry/really pleased.How the hell did he manage to fuck that up?'Power rarely gives up without a fight...'..Particularly in places where there are divisions of tribe, 'divisions of sect.'We also know that populism can take dangerous turns. 'And there will be difficult days along the way.'From the extremism of those who would use democracy 'to deny minority rights to the nationalism that left...'- What are you doing? - Nothing!Harry!- I know what you were doing. - I was watching the news. - Really? - Yeah.Really?Yeah.What was he talking about, then?- What? - Please, I just need to hear this.What was he talking about?Iraq.Don't say anything.And please don't stop me leaving.- Please don't! - OK.Don't!Look, I've really tried to be there for you through this. You can't say I haven't tried.Don't say anything. And please don't contact meor turn up at my house drunkin your underwear. It won't work this time.It will.I'm taking that posh shampoo.He was talking about democ...He was just......really kind and supportive with my work.He'd cook all the time, run baths, hoover.He'd laugh at all of my jokes.He was really great with my family, my friends loved him.Plus, he was really fucking affectionate.- Sounds like a dickhead. - Yeah.So, was that, like, "You CAN have my number," Or...? What are we...?Yes. Yeah, I guess that's a yes.My gosh. Great...Ok.Put that in there.And I'll be sure to treat you like a nasty little bitch.- That was a joke. - No, I know.- I know! - OK. I was, like, "Oh!"OK. Great!I'll buzz you, then?- ok. - ok.Ok.I can't stop smiling. Sorry, I...It's OK.I'll go.Thank you for coming in today.We really appreciate you considering usfor your small business start-up loan.No problem.I've read your application form.- Thank you. - It was...funny.OK, that wasn't my intention, but...As you are probably aware,we haven't had the opportunity to support many -any - women-led businesses since the...Sexual harassment case.The sexual harassment case.Yes.- Are you all right? - Yeah, sorry. I just...I ran from the station, so I'm just a bit hot.- I'm really excited about... - Water?No, thanks. I'm fine.Actually, yeah, water would be great. If I could... Sure. There are a couple of details that we need to iron out,and one or two bits andpieces I'm going to need to see some more on.It says in herethat you opened a business with your partner...Ok.I'm sorry, that kind ofthing won't get you very far here any more.No, sorry. I thought I had a top on underneath.Yeah, OK. - No, seriously. In this case, genuine accident.I can see, given our history, why you might think...No! Seriously, I wasn't trying to. I was hot.I take this kind of thing very seriously.I'm not trying to shag you! Look at yourself!Ok.Please leave.No, you don't understand. I NEED this...- I need this loan. - Please, just leave.- Perv. - Slut.'The lecture will commence shortly.'My sister. She's uptight and beautiful and probably anorexic,but clothes look awesome on her, so...You're almost late.Had to do a flash poo in Pret.Christ. Did you wash your hands?Of course not.My God! You are disgusting! Fucking hell.Of course I washed my hands.It's not like I grew up without a mother.- Heard from Dad? - No.Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures,start fucking our godmother and eventually stop calling. You look tired. - Thanks.I've been sleeping really well recently.Shit!I'm wearing the top that she "Lost" Years ago, so...this is going to be tense.- Do you want to take your coat off? - No.Ok.Sorry. Thanks.So, any luck...- God, can we just have two seconds... - I was going to ask - about the cafe. - I don't want to talk about it yet.- We won't talk, then. - Fine.- Hair looks nice. - Fuck off.The only thing harderthan having to tell your super-high-powered, perfect, anorexic, rich super-sisterthat you've run out of moneyis having to ask her to bail you out.I'm just going to ask her.I'm just going to ask her.I'm just going to ask her. I'm just going to come...- Do you need to borrow money? - No!I can't do it. I can't do it, I can't do it.I can't do it.- So business is good, then? - Yeah.It's good. It's really good.It's really, really good. Yeah, it's really good.Sounds like it's really good.It is.- Hey. - Hey.- Can I get you anything? - No, thanks, I'm good.Are you sure I can't get you anything at all?Is Harry helping?We broke up.What? Again?!If you see him, I'm a wreck, OK?God! Just don't get drunk and scream through his letterbox again.Thanks for the vote of confidence.Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.When are you going to stop bringing that up?When you do something better.I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat. You shat in a sink.- Hi. - Thank you. - No problem.Nothing is ever going to be better.I swear there are pants that give you thrush.What are yours made from?Don't know.I need to get sexy pants.I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body.Fucking last-minute bastard trendy parties.Why do we do it to ourselves?My God. Definitely not. That does nothing for you.I hate that.What?These are MY clothes, Boo. I've been wearing these all day.Oh, God.Were you wearing your coat?Yes. But...Nothing here looked nice,so I thought I'd wear what I was wearing anyway.Are you joking?Are YOU joking?Yes.- My... - It's not really that bad at all.- Why didn't you tell me? - I love you.I'll buy... - I've got to get a whole new outfit now.I'll buy you pants.- I'll buy you sexy pants. - I've been so many places today! - I'll buy you sexy pants! - Fuck off.I'm sorry. I think it's a lovely dress.I mean, you really shouldn't wear such cheap materials.They don't let your fanny breathe.I know.Gosh, look at you all.Thank you so much for coming to Women Speak, opening women's mouths since 1998.Before we begin, I would like to ask you a question.I don't know about you...but I need some reassurance.So I pose the question to the women in this room today. Please raise your hands......if you would trade...five years of your life......for the so-called perfect body.- I want my top back. - OK.- Won't you get cold? - Nah, I've got really hairy nipples. What?- Fuck! - Fuck! What was that?- Jesus! - A fucking hug!Well, why the fuck did you do that?That's terrifying. Never do that again.I was just trying to...- Are you OK? - Yeah.Do you want to go for a drink, or...?- I've got plans. - OK, fine. Sure.See you next time, Women Speak, then.Do you want to go for a drink?My sister blows glass. She has done for a long time.I've never been in a fight.Well, I've been in a fight. Never been punched in the face. I've been punched in the leg.And someone once threw some punch in my face.So, my colours this season are sort of brown, mainly. But, like, you know, I wouldn't say no to a maroon.I wouldn't, like, jump down the throat of someone wearing something blue. It's just not for me.So...I'm going to go for a wazz. You... OK.Same again, while I'm up? Or perhaps, like, a little cocky-tail?Or, like, a nice shot?Yeah, or we could just go back to mine.Thanks.I've actually got work tomorrow, but, another drink here... - Or we could go back to yours. - Got to be up really early. - I'll get you a cab in the morning. - That's ridiculous! My God!OK, what the fuck is your problem?Nothing.I... I like you.OK, you're a dick.What's going on?You're pathetic.- Wait... - Don't follow me.I wasn't.You dropped this.Ok.Come on.Are you OK?Are YOU OK?Sad face.I'm fine.You're such a lovely man.- OK. - Thank you.Stay there, stay there. You OK?Ok.Hey.Do you... Do you want to come home with me? What?!No way!You naughty boy.Ooh! Sing a song, Boo-Boo.Another lunch break another portionAnother piece of cakeAnother two Fuck it - 20CigarettesAnd we're happySo happyTo be modern women.Hey, come here.Let's never ask anyone for anything. They don't get it.- Deal. - Deal.Fuck it.This is totally fine.Hello. Open!All right, Dad?What's going on?I'm... I'm absolutely fine.Ok.I just...Yeah?It's nothing. It doesn't...-It's... - You know, it's nearly two o'clock in the morning. Ok.Yeah, OK. I'm... I don't want to...I'm going to...It was...Fuck it.I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy, perverted, selfish,apathetic, cynical, depraved,morally bankrupt woman, who can't even call herself a feminist.Well...You get all that from your mother.Good one.I'm going to call you a cab, darling.And...please don't go upstairs.To be fair, she's not an evil stepmother.She's just a cunt.Hi.Darling, I thought that must be you.- Everything all right? - Yeah, I just thought I'd swing by. How lovely. Lucky us.Don't worry - Dad's already booking me a taxi.What are you doing?Painting. I find the night-times very...peaceful. Usually.Warming up.Look, I know it's not really my place, but are you OK?- Everyone's been really worried. - Poor fucker.Yes, she's actually anexpression of how women are subtle warriors.Strong at heart.We don't have to use muscular force to get what we want. - We just use our... - Tits....innate femininity.Tits don't get you anywhere these days.Trust me.It's very valuable, actually.- How much? - Thousands.Can I have it?No.What's that?my self-portrait.I think I can hear your dad.'Cab's here!'- Thanks! - Nice of him.Ok.- Bye. - Bye.Please look after yourself.You really do look ghastly, darling.- Cafe? - Yeah.On your own?Kind of.Kind of? Go on.It's... It's quite a funny story, actually.No, that's good. It'll keep me going.Shoot.- I opened the cafe with my friend Boo. - Cute name. - Yeah.Yeah, she's dead now. She accidentally killed herself. Wasn't her intention, but it wasn't a total accident.She didn't actually think she'd die. She just...found out that her boyfriend fucked someone elseand wanted to punish him by ending up in hospital,not letting him visit her for a bit.She decided to walk into a busy cycle lane,wanting to get tangled in a bike - break a finger, maybe. As it turns out, bikes go fast and flip you into the road. Three people died. She was such a dick.So, yeah. Kind of on my own.We are bad feminists.------------------------------------------02-------------------------------------------Nice haircut.It's better.Can I come in?Why didn't you text?Well, I just thought I'd pop by.- Tell the truth. - I need to speak to Martin.- Martin? - Martin. Martin!Why on earth would you want to speak to...- Martin? - Hello! Hello!My wife in my study! Hello!Give me two.Gang bangs, Asian, I'd put a tenner on it.Finished.Well, hello, you.She wants to talk to you about something.Oh, well, it must be my lucky day.You said she only likes to talk to people she fancies. Ergh.- Can you leave us? - Why?He's organising your surprise birthday party.A...You know I hate sur...Ok.I have a week to organise that now.Best of luck.Nice top.Thanks. Do you deal insculptures as well as paintings and papier mache? Depends on the quality of the piece.Fuck me!- What a pair! - I know, right?Where d'you get this?Oh, just a...Stole it from a market.It's quite a piece.Who's the artist?Just a......market artist.If I sell it, I take 10%. Deal?Deal.OK, well,I'll get her photographed now.Don't tell Claire, please.Or what?Or I'll...I'll...You've got nothing on me, princess.Or I'll tell her you were watching gang bangs. Please don't do that again.I wasn't, by the way.Disappointing.Where did you get that?I brought it with me.No, you didn't. Give it back.Tight.Patch things up with Harry?Yeah, we're, erm...We're engaged, so...God! What?No, we're not engaged!No, he's back at the flat packing up all his stuff again. I'm sorry.He really...ed to make you laugh.He also used to say things like...You're not like other girls.You can......keep up.I like Harry.I liked his songs.I admire how much Harry commits to our break-ups.I mean, this is a new detail,but he does usually go the extra mile.A few times, he's even cleaned the whole flat.Like it's a crime scene.I've considered timing a break-upfor when the flat needs a bit of a going over.I don't think this is working.What?But he always leaves... (i)to come back for.Got to think about all the people I can have sex with now. I'm not obsessed with sex,I just can't stop thinking about it.The performance of it.The awkwardness of it.The drama of it.The moment you realise someone wantsyour body.Not so much the feeling of it.Probably got about 48 hours before Harry comes back.I should get on it.I took half an hour trying to look niceand I ended up looking amazing.Just one of those days.Gorgeous, fresh-faced, new top, little bit sexy,on my way to open my cafe and...Oh, God.Yeah, you check me out, chub-chub,because it's never gonna happen.Oh, God, he can't believe how attractive I am.Kind of worried I'm goingto make a sex offender out of the poor guy.Here we go. This better be good. Here we go.Hooker slag.Oi!Dropped my cucumber.Just dropped my...Erm... Could I get a cheese sandwich to go, please? Sure.That'll be, er, 12.55, please.London, eh?Thanks.Where do I recognise her? Is she famous?Boo's death hit the papers.Local cafe girl gets hit by bikeand a carand another bike.Er, no. She, er... She used to work here.I'm sorry, I don't have any change.The next man who walks in here is getting ridden to death. - Dad! - Hi.Not ideal.Erm...How are you, eh,darling? Erm...You busy?A bit.Well, I won't keep you, er...I just wanted to talk about, er, you know, when you... When you dropped in the other night.- OK. - I can't help thinking that I...- We, er... - Yeah?I know that we, er......don't have much of a chance to, er...Did you take the sculpture?Did you, erm......take the sculpture?Did you take it?No.What sculpture?Oh, right, fine, good.Good, you said no and......that means I can go.All right, great.Are you ha... Are you healthy?Hey. Do you do, like, hot organic-y food?Of course.What would you like?- Erm... Like, risotto. - Yeah.Sure. Grab a seat.Hey.Hi.Hey.Hey.It's nice to see you.You, too.Fucked me up the arse.What are you getting?Oh, just these. For my......tiny, bleeding vagina.Hot.- You? - Stock cubes.Hot.I hope it's a light flow.Oh, it never is.It never......is.Listen, er,you around later?Er...Yes, fucking yes, please, yes.Yes.Cool.Cool.Yes!I'm so happy with my body now.I don't have to define myself by how I lookbecause I've just got a fucking great body.- Yeah, I can do other stuff now! - That's so great!Mike wants to start trying for a baby.- OK. - No...I can't blow this body on a baby, Steph.I'm going to have to leave him.Oh, shit. Oh.That is not hygienic.- Sorry. - Oh, gross.We're leaving now.I suppose you should meet Hillary.Two years ago, I...OK. The most important thing is, if you don't like it,- we can't take it back, OK? - OK.Happy birthday.I'm sorry, I panicked.As long as I can wear it or eat it, I'm happy.You can do both of those things.Oh, my God, did you get me a...- What is this? - I...- What the... What is... - I don't know.- What is it? - Something to love.She's beautiful!You idiot!Escape artist.I don't feel anything about guinea pigs,they're pointless,but Boo took Hillary very seriously as a giftand, soon, everything became guinea pig-related.This is an excellent one.Drink?Look, I'm, er, sorry about the mess.- No problem. - Do you want some prosciutto with that? So reliable.Utterly inaccessible.Relentlessly profound.All he wants is to get you in the bath and ask questions like...What are you afraid of?And you find yourself saying things like...I guess......losing the currency of youth.Ask me a question.When did you realise you were so good looking?I knew I was different when I was about nine,but shit got real around 11.Shit got real?You know...Aunts got weird.I have another question.Ok.Do you ever feel lonely?Yeah.Of course.Do you?Never.Do you want some pineapple?Yeah.God, yeah!Oh, they're so small!They are so small!- What? - They're so small!- So... - Small!God, they are so fucking tiny!Yeah, I guess they're...Oh, God, they're hardly even there!I mean, what the fuck even are they?Bit much.Excuse me!Oh, yeah!I'm having a Harry panic.Madame Ovary's telling me to run back to safe place,I can make baby in safe place,but you've got to ride it out.Mustn't call Ha...Thanks for coming.That's OK.Are you OK?Your message sounded urgent.Were you busy?- No, I was in the interval... - Oh, cool.- ...of Cats. - OK.- The musical. - Was it good?Really good, actually.Really good.- Sorry for interrupting. - No, that's OK.I, er... I got the feelingit wasn't going to end well for the cats,so probably good to remember them like that before they all...Sorry. Erm...Are you OK?Who were you with?A work friend.A girl.I, erm...I found this.Thanks.I didn't realise I'd left it.Why's your hair wet?Don't look at me like that.Like what? Like what?Look, I don't want to sound cold or cruel or... You know... And I don't want to think I'm just off happy at the theatre all the time, either, I'm not,but...I'm not going to... I just...If this is about us getting back together, I was serious, this time I'm not just going to come running back.I really just need some time away from...I'm so glad you called.I'm so glad you picked up.I've missed you.I've missed you.Oh, my gosh, you feel good.I wish he'd just fuck me.All he wants to do is make love.Are you OK?Yeah, I'm really good. I'm amazing.He's wasting me.I was once fucking this guy who would breathe on every thrust...You're so young!You're so young!I masturbate about that all the time.I masturbate a lot these days.Especially when I'm bored.Or angry.Or upset.Can we just...Or happy.Oh. Yeah.Yeah.Amazing.- Shall I? - No, could you just...Just stay there.No, don't. Just...Yeah. Sh, sh! Ah!Yeah.Yes. Just...Ah, just...Ah, God.Look, I think we should stop masturbating.And don't say anything yet, I just...I just think it might help us focus on each other.You know, be more present.Really successful couples do it.Erm...I've hidden our vibrators.Our?I thought it might be fun.To find them?No, just to try and not......touch ourselves, to try and......save our touches......for each other. I mean, what do you think?Well, I think you're being really sexy.- Don't! - Oh! I'm joking.I never masturbate.I don't know how.Yeah, also, I thought we should try and surprise each otheronce every day, just a, you know...A sweet little something, just to keep it...- You know? - Are you getting this out of a book?I've already planned your first surprise, so...Don't eat too much before dinner.See you later.And I will see you later, too.Hi.Just thought I'd pop by for some lunch.Bit weird.Yes, well...How are you?Quiet day?Yeah, I'm fine.You OK? You look stressed.Well, I'm successful, so...Do you have rye bread?No, but I have some normal bread you can puke up after. Great.What do you want on it?Oh, just tomatoes is fine.Just tomatoes?Just a tomato sandwich?Yes. Is there a problem?No.Listen, I don't want to know anything about this surprise party,but, if you could just, erm,have it at mine this Friday at 7:30, that'd be great.I can organise it and act surprisedbut, if you could just, erm...Do you know what, why don't I just do it?I can organise it, do the food, act surprised,and just take it off your hands.I mean, I can see that you're busy, so...OK, if you want.Well, I don't want to,but I think it would be easier for everyone- if I could just... - OK.I mean, I've done it, it's done.It's this Friday at 7:30 at mine.Great.How behind are you?If it's money that you need...I don't need money.That'll be 25 pounds, please.London...Thanks.Can't believe that thing's still alive.Oh, God, I can't keep up.Hello!Harry?Shit.Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise.- Surprise! - Argh!Argh!It's me! It's me! It's me!Why would you do that? I thought I was going to get raped!I'm sorry! Baby, I'm sorry! I thought you wanted a surprise!It was a ninja surprise!Oh, my God, my heart!I'm shaking so much! Oh, my God!- Oh, my God! - Oh!Oh, my God!OK. It's OK. Are you OK?Oh, my God.Did you have a good day?I did, yeah. Fine, thanks. I'm so sorry.I'm sorry. I didn't think you were going to react like that. I'm...I'm sorry, it was a joke.It was a good joke.Jesus.I thought you'd be later.- Argh! - Oh, my God!Oh, God, sorry! I just had to get that out!I'm still in shock! I'm still shaking!That was horrible.It was a surprise.I know.Thank you.It's fine.Shall I go and get us some wine?Ok.I know what you look like!I know what you took!That is the last time!Splashed out on a special bottle for a special...Harry?I had to go into the history on my computerto find something I'd seen on the H&M website this morning and...I don't want to point fingers but......anal, gang bang,mature, big cock,small tits, hentai,Asian, teen,MILF, big butts,lesbian, gay,facial, fetish,bukake, young and old,swallow, rough, voyeurand public.Why are you being so sexy?Don't make me hate you.Loving you's painful enough.OK, sorry......but I really think you should write that down.I know it's not appropriatebut I really think you should write that down.- It's really good... - I'm not going to write down...No, I'm serious! For your songs and stuff.It's perfect! It's poetic yet real.Serious.Don't......make me...- Hate you. - Yeah, I know, thank you.Loving you is painful...What am I doing?Look, there's someone at work who loves me.Well, she told me she loves me and I said we couldn't be togetherbecause I had to know.Do you want to be alone?You will never see me again.I'll always love you but I just can't take it any more.I don't hate you, I'm scared for you.He's going to write that down.Don't hate you...Scared...I'm going to go pack mythings up from the bedroom again, but, erm...I'm... I'm not going to clean.It's still in pretty good shape, so...If I don't see you after that,goodbye.Forever.He'll be back.------------------------------------------03-------------------------------------------God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago.My farts used to be like, "Pah!"Now they're just sort of fighting their way out.I haven't farted in about three years.Happy birthday.- She won't eat it. - Thanks.So, it's a 7 pm arrival tonight for a 7.30 surprise, OK? Yeah, I got your e-mail.It's really a business birthday thing.It won't be much fun, so just don't expect a "Party" Party.I won't.And maybe...just wear trousers.And don't drink too much.There's this huge promotion in Finland,so this party is quite a serious...I mean, it's basically a business meeting.Sounds like a blast.Can I bring a date?- Harry? - No.Who?Oh, I don't know yet.It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard. Why?Flaunting your life.God, I can't wait to be old.If it's any consolation, you look older than you are. Sorry, sorry.- Hello, Claire speaking. - Mum died three years ago. She had a double mastectomy but never really recovered. It was particularly hard, cos she had amazing boobs. She used to tell me I was luckycos mine would never get in the way.My sister's got whoppers,but she got all of Mum's good bits.What's Martin given you?A cursory stroke would be nice.What? No bang-bang?He says he's still got that thing on his...What?On his...Come on, you can do it.- I don't have to say... - Yes, you do.- No, not here. - Come on, little one. Come on, please.- No. Penis. - Thank you.He says he still has that thing on his penis. Sorry. Christ, look at that man.Tragic.Nah, he's a con.You can't call someone who is grieving a con.- That is shit grieving. - Look at him, he's properly grieving. No-one grieves like that unless they are in a film or from Italy.Who are you to pass judgment on his grief?Trust me, he's at a different grave every day,he can't get enough of it.What?You come here every day?Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing,and don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it.I'm, erm...I'm actually looking forward to it.Hi, Harry, it's me.Listen, I know we're broken up,but it's Claire's birthday tonightand I thought that...I thought that maybeyou'd like to come to her......birthday party.Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye.I can't go out with a dog.My boyfriend before Harry used to make me send him pictures ofmy vagina wherever I was,ten or 11 times a day.One day when I was temping he asked me to...Time to throw the net out.I am in so much trouble.Jesus Christ.What am I going to get Claire?I am meant to get her the perfect present.- I am not drunk. - Always drunk.I am not drunk!Which is odd, cos Claire's so straight.Smack me in the face.。
