MOVIE SCRIPT - SCREENPLAY --- The Big Bang Theory - s02e03 - ''The Barbarian Sublimination''字幕
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Script compiled bywww.big-bang-forum.deTHE address for geeks and …The Big Bang Theory“ fans!THE BIG BANG THEORYbyChuck Lorre & Bill PradySeason 2, Episode 3 (s02e03)Title: The Barbarian Sublimination---> Dialog only <---SHELDONFellow warriors, this is Sheldorthe Conqueror. We are about toenter Atzel's fortress. Now, thisis a long run, so let's do anotherbladder check. All right, Barry,we'll wait for you again, but youreally should see a doctor. Sheldoris AFK. Penny, are you experiencingsome sort of difficulty?PENNYYes. I can't get my stupid dooropen.SHELDONYou appear to have put your car keyin the door lock. Are you aware ofthat?PENNYYeah.SHELDONAll right, then.PENNYDamn it, damn it, damn it, damn it,damn it, damn it.SHELDONWould it be possible for you to dothis a little more quietly?PENNYI can't get the damn key out.SHELDONWell, it's not surprising. ThatBaldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center-cylinder system.PENNYThank you, Sheldon.SHELDONYou're welcome. Point of inquiry: Why did you put your car key in the door lock?PENNYWhy? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition. It took me two hours to get there. I waited an hour for my turn. And before Icould even start, they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest. What the hell doesthat even mean?SHELDONWell, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples, so, they have a characteristic facial bone structure...PENNYI know what it means, Sheldon. God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now. And I haven't gotten a single acting job. I've accomplished nothing. Haven'tgotten a raise at work. Haven't even had sex in six months. Andjust now, when I was walking up those stairs, a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.SHELDONWell, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures. They're almost pure protein.PENNYOh, son of a bitch.SHELDONI believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened thestructural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.PENNYI did. He said he'll get here when he gets here.SHELDONAnd you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?PENNYNo. I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly.SHELDONThere, there. Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?PENNYNo, Sheldon. I'd rather sit on this freezing-cold floor sobbing like a 3-year-old.SHELDONAll right, then.PENNYFor God's sake.SHELDONJust when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.============================================ THEME SONG ===========================================SHELDONMake yourself comfortable. Not there. Sheldor is back online.PENNYSheldor?SHELDONThe Conqueror.PENNYWhat are you doing?SHELDONAFK. I'm playing …Age of Conan“, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian.PENNYOh.SHELDONSheldor back online.PENNYWhat's AFK?SHELDONAFK. Away from keyboard.PENNYOh, I see.SHELDONWhat does that stand for?PENNYOh, I see.SHELDONYes, but what does it stand for?And just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.PENNYMm, I don't know. Can I see 'em in another color?SHELDONJust click on them. Yeah, congratulations. You are now alevel-three warrior.LEONARDWhat's going on?PENNYLeonard, guess what? I'm a level-three warrior.LEONARDGreat. Do you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?PENNYYeah, yeah, yeah. Shh.LEONARDI only bring it up because your ice cream's melting and it's startingto attract wildlife.PENNYUh-huh, yeah. Do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?SHELDONIt doesn't matter right now, you're looking for treasure.PENNYOkay. Wait, wait, where are you going?SHELDONNo, no. You're okay. If you runinto crocodiles, just kick themwith your boots.LEONARDYou wanna catch me up?SHELDONWell, let's see. Uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, uh... She hasn't had sex in six months. And she ate a fly.LEONARDUh-huh. Seriously, six months?PENNYOh, my God, a treasure chest. I'm rich.SHELDONLevel three and she thinks she's rich. What a newb.RAJESHOkay, we're all set.HOWARDLet her rip.PENNYHi.LEONARDHey, check it out. It's just corn starch and water.SHELDONThey make up a non-Newtonian fluid, which is liquid, but solid underthe percussive action of the speaker.HOWARDThat's what makes it get all funky.PENNYYeah, okay. Uh, listen, I need to talk to Sheldon.HOWARDNo, that's what she said, Sheldon.PENNYOkay, look, I bought the game andI've been exploring the Island of Tortage, but I can't figure out how to get past the guard captain.SHELDONDo you have the enchanted sword?PENNYNo, no, I have a bronze dagger.SHELDONYou can't slay the guard captainwith a bronze dagger. My lord, it's like the car key in your apartment door all over again.PENNYAll right, all right, how do I get the sword?SHELDONWell, have you been to the Templeof Mitra?PENNYIs that the place on the hill with the weird priest in front of it?SHELDONNo, no, no, it's... Oh, for God's sakes, gimme.PENNYThank you. I really appreciate this.SHELDONYou're gonna have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.PENNYDon't patronize me. Just get the sword.HOWARDWhat the frak?LEONARDBeats me. They were playing alllast night too.RAJESHIt's like some kind of weird comic-book crossover.HOWARDLike if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.RAJESHI always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian.LEONARDNo, that's Marcie. PeppermintPatty's just athletic.SHELDONThere you go, one enchanted sword.PENNYAll right, gimme, gimme, gimme. I wanna kill the guard captain.SHELDONThat girl needs to get a life.PENNYSheldon. Sheldon.SHELDONDanger. Danger.PENNYNo danger, look, it's just me, Penny. Listen, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?SHELDONYou're in my bedroom.PENNYYeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key.SHELDONPeople can't be in my bedroom.PENNYOkay, well, can we go talk in the living room?SHELDONI'm not wearing pajama bottoms.PENNYWhy not?SHELDONI spilled grape juice.PENNYWell, wear different pajamas.SHELDONI can't wear different pajamas, these are my monday pajamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.PENNYOkay, fine, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?SHELDONYou were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?PENNYYeah, yeah. By some guys in Budapest. I'm just not sure it'sthe right move for my character.SHELDONOf course it's not. You're only a level 25. These hungarians, they're just using you for dragon fodder.PENNYReally? Boy, you'd think you could trust a horde of Hungarian Barbarians.SHELDONPlease, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.PENNYOkay, well, you were great. Thanks.PENNYOh. Hey, Leonard. Listen, don't go in Sheldon's room. He's not wearing bottoms.LEONARDSheldon, you wanna catch me up again?DR. GABLEHAUSERPeople, I am very busy today.SHELDONI realize that, Dr. Gablehauser,but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all intra-departmental disputes. University policy manual, Chapter 4,subsection 2: …Mediation of Intra-departmental Disputes.“DR. GABLEHAUSERFine. Dr. Winkle, what colorful name did you call Dr. Cooper this time?LESLIEDr. Dumb-ass.DR. GABLEHAUSERDr. Cooper, Dr. Winkle apologizes.SHELDONNo, she doesn't.LESLIENo, I don't.SHELDONHere's the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr. Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.LESLIEIt wasn't even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself, and he put his name down on every slot for the next six months.SHELDONIf it is a crime to ensure that theuniversity's resources are not being squandered chasing subatomic wild geese, then I plead guilty. Oh, Penny.DR. GABLEHAUSERYou need to get that, Dr. Cooper?SHELDONGod, no.LESLIEWell, don't turn it off. You might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumb-ass laureate of the year.SHELDONOh, yeah, well, you wouldn't even be nominated. Dr. Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-loop calculations and simulationsto run. All she's doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock...DR. GABLEHAUSERExcuse me. Gablehauser. It's for you.SHELDONHello? Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you're not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can't log on and help you. We'll talk when I get home. I'm not getting the computing time, am I?LESLIEDumb-ass.SHELDONLeonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interferingwith my sleep. She's interfering with my work. And if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.LEONARDWhy should I do something? You're the one who introduced her toonline gaming.SHELDONWel, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would behappening.LEONARDWhy don't you just tell her toleave you alone?SHELDONI did. I told her. I texted her. I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to …Sheldon cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone.“ I don't know what else to do.LEONARDWell, what am I supposed to do?SHELDONI don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you, I shall become very difficult to live with.LEONARDYou mean, up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?SHELDONYes.LEONARDI'll go talk to her.PENNYNo, Fritz, I need you on my flank. No, I don't know German. Flanken sie, flanken sie.LEONARDHey, Penny.PENNYBusy.LEONARDYeah, I see that. Shouldn't you be at work?PENNYI don't work on Mondays.LEONARDIt's Thursday. Listen, Penny...PENNYUgh. Queen Penelope AFK. What?LEONARDOkay. Uh... Here's the thing. Um, sometimes people, good people, yeah, they start playing these games and they find themselves, through no fault of their own, youknow, kind of addicted.PENNYYeah, get to the point. I'm aboutto level up here.LEONARDIt's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in theirreal life, it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they can get a false sense of accomplishment.PENNYYeah, jabber, jabber, jabber. Okay, boys, Queen Penelope's back online.LEONARDPenny, you've got... Cheetos in your hair.PENNYOh, thanks.LEONARDWow. Hey, Penny, it's me again, Leonard.PENNYLeonard, I said not now.LEONARDI know, I'm just a little concerned about you.PENNYI said, not now.LEONARDOkay, maybe later.RAJESHHey, guys.LEONARD, HOWARDHey.RAJESHHey, what's with him?LEONARDPenny's been keeping him up at night.HOWARDMe too. But probably in a different way.LEONARDShe's gotten really hooked on …Age of Conan.“ She's playing nonstop.RAJESHOh, yes, online gaming addiction. There's nothing worse than having that multiplayer monkey on your back.LEONARDSheldon, wake up.SHELDONDanger. Danger.LESLIEAfternoon, men. Sheldon.SHELDONOh, yeah, well, your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males, just... Oh, I'm too tired to do this.LESLIERight. I heard you've been pulling all-nighters with Middle-Earth Barbie.SHELDONShe comes into my room. No one's supposed to be in my room.LESLIEWell, I would postulate that she's escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration.HOWARDI do that too. But probably in a different way.LEONARDThat's not what she's doing, Leslie. She's just trying to shore up her self-esteem. It has nothing to do with sex.LESLIEEverything has to do with sex.HOWARDMm. Testify.LESLIEI'm not touching that.LEONARDLeslie, you are way off base here.SHELDONNow, hang on, Leonard. While I have no respect for Leslie as ascientist or a human being, forthat matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in theinterrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.LESLIEThank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.SHELDONSome what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.HOWARDI'll take the bullet.LEONARDExcuse me, this whole idea is insane.SHELDONYeah, yeah, enough debate. I'm going to take action. Excuse me. Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?BLAINENo.SHELDONWould you like to be?BLAINEUh... Sure, why not?LEONARDSheldon...SHELDONYip, yip, yip, yip. Can I have your phone number?BLAINEUh... Yeah. Yeah.SHELDONThere, problem solved.LESLIEDumb-ass.PENNYOkay, I'm at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients. I'm going in.SHELDONStay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.PENNYGot it.SHELDONI must say you're playing very wellfor a woman of 23?PENNYTwenty-two.SHELDONRight, 22.PENNYOh, here come the mummies. Which spell do I use, the hateful strike or the frenzy stance?SHELDONWhat happened to the rest of your group?PENNYI dumped them, they're a bunch of wussies.SHELDONAh, frenzy stance.PENNYFrenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy.SHELDONSo listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands or staying at home curled up with a good book?PENNYWait, what?SHELDONThese are market research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game.PENNYOh, oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn't working. Die, you undead mummy, die!SHELDONDrink a healing potion.PENNYThank you.SHELDONYou're welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of one to five, with one being, …always initiated by him“ and five being, …always initiated by you“, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?PENNYThat's on the registration?SHELDONOh, yes, it's quite extensive. But if we complete it, you get a free expansion pack. Seventy-five additional quests.PENNYOoh, awesome. Okay, I totally like to initiate. I'm a big ol' five.SHELDONGood to know. Big ol' five.LEONARDHello.TOMHi.SHELDONLeonard, this is Tom.LEONARDHi, Tom. Sheldon. Didn't I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?SHELDONYes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.LEONARDChosen by science.SHELDONWell, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.LEONARDYou got Penny to sign up for online dating?SHELDONNo. No, of course not. No, see, I used trickery and deceit.LEONARDThis is bad.SHELDONTom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he's going to med school at night. Uh, he likes the outdoors and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.LEONARDReally, really bad.SHELDONI'm surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently, she's a big ol' five.PENNYSheldon, what do you want?SHELDONOh, good, you got my note. Penny,I'd like you to meet Tom. Penny, this is Tom. Tom, may I present Penny.TOMHi, Penny.PENNYYeah, hey. Listen, as long as I'm here, I'm on a quest with a bunchof newbs. They don't know whatthey're doing. We've got one assassin, three spell casters and no tank.SHELDONCan we talk about this later?PENNYNo, no, no, no. I need you now.SHELDONWouldn't you prefer to socialize with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman?PENNYAh, whatever, I'll figure it out myself.TOMBye, Penny. I'm sorry, dude, she didn't look anything like her picture.LEONARDThey never do.HOWARDHello, fair Penny.PENNYWho are you?HOWARDIt is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?PENNYYeah, sure, why not? Oh, my God, I need help.THE END。