++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Pick up! Tables 12, 4, 11.Got it.Hey,when you get a second,stop looking at my boobs. Excuse me.Waitress?Dude?Hi, what can I get ya?We need some...Is that annoying?Is that obnoxious and rude?Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you while you were working?Oh, you don't have a job.Sorry.Damn, dude,she burned you.Oh.No, hipster.Do not think we're on the same team. We have nothing in common.I wear knit hats when it's cold out.You wear knit hats'cause of coldplay.You have tattoos to piss off your dad.My dad doesn't know he's my dad.You think...This is the sound that gets you service.I think...This is the sound that dries up my vagina.The other waitress disappeared, the Russian one.We need horseradish.Please.That, ladies, is how you treat a waitress.Paulina!Oh, so... so good, oh...oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were on break.I just need some horseradish.- Here. - Oh, cool.Excuse me,where's my waitress?She's coming.Earl. Earl!I made your favorite,red velvet.My little cupcake brought me a cupcake.Let me pay you for that.Oh, no, no.It's on the house.It's your birthday.How old are you gonna be?75.Oh, Earl, if you were just three years younger.Max, Max, big news.The new boss fired that Russian waitress, Paulina.Turns out Chesty Kournikova was Vladimir Puttin' it out. Hello today.I have paycheck for you.I need to talk to you.You fired Paulina, Han?I am no longer Han Lee.I have new American name to go with changing neighborhood.To go with the changing neighborhood.You need to remember this for your immigration exam. Correct. To go with the changing neighborhood.Bryce? Your name is Bryce Lee?Wait, wait,um, um, um...Don't hire a new waitress,okay?I've been doing all the work anyway,and I really could use the extra money.You need help.- No, I don't. - Everyone need help sometimes.I don't. I've been waiting my whole life, okay?I've waited on tables,I've waited in bars,I've waited on home pregnancy tests.I already hire new waitress.She work in all top restaurants in Manhattan.I gave her Paulina's uniform.Hi.Mr. Lee,not to complain,but I think someone wore this uniform before me,like right before me.Is it possible that I could get another one?Maybe one that's a little less moist.Also this mustard color doesn't really go with my skin tone, neither do the mustard stains...And these various other stains,and smells.I hope that's clam chowder.So...I think it'd be better for everyone,including my immune system,if I just keep on wearing what I'm wearing,and not the apron,cause this is chanel.So thank you,and let's waitress.Whatever that is,it does not belong in this diner.It belongs in a show on bravo.But she blonde,hair so shiny,good for business.Where do you even find these people?The Russian hooker, the one before that was a meth addict.You train her,I am boss.- The boss. - OhFine, but make her wear the uniform.Are you sure we can't get the meth addict back?She was really good at cleaning.But her teeth fall out.You are really judgmental,you know that?I'm only gonna say this once,so pay attention.I'm Caroline, by the way.And you're Max?Don't get attached.This is the Williamsburg diner,owned by Han Lee,who just changed his name to Bryce Lee,because I guess he wants people to take him even less seriously.Eight months ago he bought it from the Russian mob. Clientele used to be all eastern bloc criminals and crack whores,but then he took it over and ruined it.Hey, sexy woman.You look so pretty today.You look so beautiful, I forgot how bad your personality is. Thanks, Oleg.Hey, Barbie.That's Oleg.He will hit on you aggressively and relentlessly.He doesn't realize he looks like that,and I don't have the heart to tell him.Could we have some menus?Oh, sure.Don't smile.'Cause it raises the bar, and then I have to smile,and I can't be doing that.It's exhausting and I have a bad back.That's Earl, we're in love.Do not talk to him,unless you want to feel whiter than you already are. Oh, and that stain?Not clam chowder.Go marry the ketchups.Marry the ketchups. I'm on it.Okay. Now divorce the ketchups.Stop. Just stop.There's no such thing as divorcing the ketchups.You've never waitressed a day in your life.Yes, I have.You expect me to believe youafter watching that whole temple grandin routine?- I'm telling Lee. - Okay, okay,I may have enhanced my resume.Enhanced? What, are we in Paris?Please, I really need this job, okay?We lost all of our money.My trust fund was taken for legal fees.My dad is in jail.What? What are you, Martin Channing's daughter? Where's the paper?Martin Channing?The guy who ripped off the entire city is your father.He told us we were having a good year.You're Caroline Channing.You're like a billionaire.Was. Was a billionaire.They froze all our assets, everything's gone.I only have what I could grab,and I grabbed all the wrong things.- So do you know the president? - I've met him.- He's hot. - He's the president.- Have you been to Switzerland? - Yes.- Do you have a horse? - Yes.- Do you know Paris Hilton? - No, she's a hundred. Excuse me, uh, two hot chocolate, please.- Comin' up. - It...let me do that, please.I'm a really fast learner.I went to Wharton business school.I got 2,300 on my SAT'scan you make a hot chocolate, or not?Nailed it.We split the tips. Give me yours.You did better than I thought you would.Listen, tonight I thought of a way we could make someextra money.They've totally underestimated the price point on those red velvet cupcakes.In Manhattan the asking price is at least seven,so we could sell them for seven, and then pocket the difference.Nothing about that sounds wrong to you?It's not our fault that the idiot who makes the cupcakes doesn't know their worth.I'm the idiot who makes the cupcakes.New information.That's stupid.No one would pay $7 for one of my cupcakes.Really? 'Cause...Well, at least we know you're not adopted.So how'd you even end up in Brooklyn?Oh, I went on .Typed in "place where nobody from the Upper East Side would ever go, ever,"and this diner came up.You can't wear a fancy leather jacketoutside in this neighborhood.You have to turn it inside out.Oh.Fur. Cool. Turn it back.So where do you live?Our townhouse was taken and bolted up by the bank, so... Is this where I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?I mean, I don't want you to,but just so you know, a well-adjusted person would.I'm dead inside.You make that pretty obvious.Anyway, I'm just gonna stay in the city with a friend.I live a couple of blocks that way.I'd walk you to the subway, it's just that I don't want to.- Okay. - Okay.Robbie!Why is the music so loud?Whoa!It's 3:00 in the morning.I'm sorry.It's cool. So what are you doin'?The band's practicing.But you're not playing any instruments.Yeah, that's how we practice. We, like, listen to other good musicand play it in our head.It's like the secret.Well, I have a secret for you guys.- Get out! - Whoa!- Uh, you guys better go. - We should go.Sorry, guys, I still have to make the cupcakes. Cupcakes? For why? You can just buy 'em at the store. You can do that in the morning, babe, come to bed. No, I can't. I have to be in the city by 10:00.Fine. You can have three minutes.Fine, you can have eight, one for each ab.Stand clear of the closing doors.Well, I can cross that off my bucket list.Hey.I have a taser!Oh!Oh, my God.I am so sorry.I didn't think it would hurt so much. It's pink.It didn't feel pink.I didn't know it was you. I thought I was being raped. That's not what rape feels like.Did you...did you sleep on the subway?I had nowhere else to go,and I'm too afraid to sleep outside on the street. God, you're spoiled.Next stop, Greenpoint.Get your stuff. Come on, I'll take you to my place,but hurry. 'Cause I have to be in the city in 30 minutes. Call me.Oh, my God, you've been robbed!This is how it always looks.Oh, my God, totally cute!All right, I'll be back at 4:00,and we can go to work together. Bathroom, bedroom, boyfriend sleeps till 4:00, yard.Oh, you have a yard.Looks like a really nice place to relax and do crack.It is.I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for my other job in the city. You have two jobs?Yes, I babysit for a Manhattan socialite diva.Now I have a set.Sorry I'm late.Oh, thank God you're here,there is a bridge and tunnel smell over by the babies that's stressing me out.Their diapers probably need to be changed.Again? I swear, the morning nanny just did that. Motherhood is for reals.Max, remind me, what's my Twitter password?Twitter password.Yes!Hi, Brad. Hi, Angelina.Max, I need to tell you something because we're family. Now get me room temperature water and come over here. We are victims of the Channing Ponzi scheme.Me, David, and Brangelina.How much money did you lose?Hold my hands.Nothing.But it really scared me.Open that?So do you know Caroline Channing?No, but she lost everything.She has no money.Can you imagine having no money?I mean, you wouldn't even have any money.You should twit that.And no one will even talk to her.I heard she went to six different friends' houses for a place to stay,and they all had to pretend they weren't home.- That's not cool. - Yeah.- That's really sad. - So sad. Breaks my heart.I guess motherhood has really opened me up emotionally. Max, I need to hold one of the babies, bring me one. No, the other one. That's not the good one.Hello.Oh, hi. Oh, I'm so sorry if I woke you up.Who are you?I'm Max's friend. Uh, don't tell her I said that.I have a feeling if she heard me call her my friend, she'd stab me.What are you doin' over there?Just washing my uniform,trying to make it a little more cute and a little less crusty. Oh, watch out!Oh! Sorry, oh, my...- Do you have a towel or a rag? - No, I... I got it.Oh, okay.I'm Robbie.I'm uncomfortable.You're getting me wet.That's the point.You're Max's boyfriend.It's cool.No, it's not. Back up, Jersey shore.You're pathetic,and that's coming from someone who's homelessand wearing white after labor day.And I've seen better.No, you haven't.Hey. Why didn't you wait for me?I thought we were coming over together.Oh. Um, I wanted to get here early to marry the ketchups. Listen,I heard somethingreally upsetting about you today.What did he say,that I came on to him?Him who?Nothing.Him, Robbie?It's none of my business,but you deserve better than that guy.Yeah,it is none of your business.Ooh, I was just starting to feel sorry for you.I'm just saying,you're worth more than that.What, I'm supposed to believe you about this?The person who lied on their resume,and lied about the cupcakes...you're a liar.- I'm just trying to help. - You know what?Since you seem to know so much about everything,why don't you take your Wharton degree,and your ridiculous coat, and figure this all out yourself. Max.Max, wait.Oh, look,the arcade fire concert just let out across the street,good luck with that.She's coming back,right?She's not gonna leave me here alone with a restaurant full of people?Let me put it to you this way.You might as well be a night maid at the Schwarzenegger house.You got screwed.- Oh. - Oh, yeah.That feels so good.Now put your tambourine around it.Hi, honey, I'm home.I want you gone by the time I get back.Babe!Babe, I can explain.You weren't supposed to be home.People say I deserve better than you.Who?That blonde girl? She doesn't know what she's talkin' about.She went to Whartonand Switzerland.Yo, yo.Look at that.That girl is workin' harder than Stephen Hawking tryin' to put in a pair of cufflinks.Here, let me help you with that.I don't need any help.Everyone needs help sometimes.This isn't what I ordered.This is Caroline.She may have gotten your order wrong,but she does get some things right.Thank you.No, thank you.What'd you see in that guy, anyway?He had these muscle thingies.- Oh, those things? - Yeah.I don't know what those are called,but they make smart girls stupid.Max!I thought your tight ass wasn't coming in tonight,and my heart broke in half.You know what, Oleg?I needed that.So, um...I need a roommate, if you want to crash.Hmm. Not gonna lie, the subway's cleaner than your couch. Wow.I just felt myself starting to like you.Really? Because I really feel like we could...I knew that wouldn't last.Come on.Tomorrow we can go into the city and get the rest of your stuff.Everything's locked up.What, you have nothing that you care about that we can get?Well, there is one thing.The weirdest thing is that nobody stopped us.I'm gonna save a fortune,keeping him here instead of in the stables.When did you put this whole horse-in-my-yard thing together?I can't help it.I see an opportunity, and I make it happen,like with your cupcakes.Like what with my cupcakes?Ready? To open a bake shop,all we need is 250 grand start-up money,for the real estate, and the basic equipment...yeah. Oh.250 grand, that's all? - Yeah.Did freakin' Chestnut here kick you in the headwhile I was in Starbucks?Hear me out.If we both worked two jobs and made $2,000 a week,we could open a cupcake business in a little over a year.In the past two days,we've made $387,and that's a good start.We can make extra money at other jobs,like publicists, advertising executives...janitors, drug mules.We really need to work on your self-esteem.So...You, cupcakes, me, business background, us, success. What do you think?I think you have a horse.I think we have a horse.Don't get attached.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hi, ready to order?Do you have anything that's really special?Not according to my high school guidance counselor.I'll have the veggie plate.But instead of beets, I want kale.And instead of broccoli, more kale.I want the veggies steamed.And instead of dressing, I want lemons.Don't you need to write this down?I'm afraid if I start writing that down,it'll turn into a suicide note.I'm assuming this table's gonna have a lot more of those requests.Yes, I could tell by the hats.Earl, I have something new I want you to try.That's the exact same sentence that got me hooked on cocaine in the '80s.It's my new cupcake flavor.Delicious dark chocolate the ladies can't help but love.I'm calling it "The Earl."I know you got that right.Hi, I'm here.I was running late so I decided to hail a cab.And then I remembered I didn't have any money on me. And then I remembered I didn't have any money at all.So I walked the whole way here.The apartment's three blocks away.Yes, I know.Three blocks and 15 "Hola chicas" Away.Well, you can't be late again.I'm already worried about me being late...every month.On my way here, a homeless man asked me for money. And I told him that I usually always give,but that my father was indicted in a Ponzi scandaland I've lost my family fortune and my Manhattan townhouse,so I've been sleeping on a couch in Brooklyn,but, in spite of it all, I'm still optimistic that you and I will achieve successin our exciting new cupcake business venture.And look what he gave me!You took money from a homeless man?I prefer to think of Bob near the bridge as our first investor. Pick up! Special sandwich.I can think of even more special sandwich.You, me and the hot blonde giraffe.Well, she recently lost her dignity,so you might have a shot.Hello today!I have nametag for you.Only your second day and look, nametag already.As new owner, I am killing it.Thank you.Oh, it says "Carolin."It's Caroline. With an "E."I'm Caroline.As new owner, I am sucking it.Just put it on.You can't tell an Asian he made a mistake.He'll go in the back and throw himself on a sword.Thank you, Mr. Lee.You may call me Han.H a nH-a-n.No trap in my name.I'm thinking we should take the first step in our new cupcake businessby writing "Max's Homemade Cupcakes" up on the specials board.No, I can't have my name up there.Everyone I owe money to thinks I live in Seattle.Oh, we used to own Seattle.Max, we've got to get the name out there.Create a buzz. Ooh, good idea!Let's create a buzz.- Exactly, in order to launch-- - I'm mocking you.When in doubt, I'm always mocking you.Seriously, Max.This new cupcake business is our lifeline.A way out for both of us.And I wanna thank you again for letting me move in.If there's anything I can do to help you--You mean besides starting to wait on tables?I meant, anything I can do to help you through yourbreakup with Robbie.Oh. Thanks, but I'm fine.And we're working.Well, one of us is.Are you sure you're fine?'Cause I heard you crying last night.I don't cry.I sold my tear ducts to an organ bank for cash two years ago.I was on the couch.And I heard you crying alone in your bedroom.Really? What did the crying sound like?Like...I wasn't crying.Well, then what were you d...Oh! So none of my business.That's right. And remember that.Got it.In fact, let's just say that anything having to dowith my bedroom, my tables, or my life--you should stay away from.Boundaries. Got it.And please don't tell anyone at workI let you move into my apartment.That is one boundary we both don't want crossed. Why?Hey, roomies.That's why.Hope those sheets are okay.Oh, don't worry about it.I know they're the best you could afford.Not really. The good ones are on my bed.Max, that oven is so hot.Could you do me a favor and open the back door?We've known each other two daysand you're already asking for back door?Dear God!I forgot you're Equestrian Barbie.You came with a horse.No.Out, horse, bad! Bad horse.Chestnut.No need to yell, he's a champion.Champion stink bomb.It's smelling pretty ripe out in that yard. That's not Chestnut, that's Brooklyn.Okay, well, I'm watching "The Champion"drop some steaming hot "Brooklyn" Right now.Max, I've been thinking about how you completely overreactedto your name up on the specials board.Do you think it's a fear of success?I am too poor to have a fear of success.At Wharton Business School, we learnedthat every new venture can bring up a certain amount of fear.Is there any way to do a yelp reviewof Wharton Business School?Maybe you're having a hard time imaginingthis cupcake business could ever even happenbecause nobody ever believed in you or your dreams.I'm guessing.I can make this happen, Max.For me, for you, for us.Just keep making those amazing cupcakes.And I'll do the rest till you believe.I believe everything you just saidand that children are the future.Max, it's me!I know it's you.You sleep with a knife under your pillow?It's the only home security system I can afford.And I'm a cutter.I can't sleep on that couch.I think Ikea might be the Scandinavian word for sciatica. And there's weird sounds in the street.And I don't have my white noise machine.Well, that's Puerto Rican noise.You'll get used to it.Can I just lay down here and get a little sleep?I don't even let the men I sleep with sleep with me.I can't get into your issues right now.I just need to sleep!Fine, get in then.What is that?Potato chips. I sleep-eat.Cool ranch and bacon?Dude, they're delicious.Because of your breakup with Robbie?Just get in.I have to be in the city to babysit in five hours.Oh, great, you're like a nightlight.You're so blonde.Thank you.Max, someone's in the living room.Max, someone's in the bedroom!Robbie!What's up, babe?Robbie, what are you doing here?We broke up.Still?Yes, still. You hit on me.And then she caught you with someone elsein these very sheets.Which I'm hoping she washed.Oh, I get it.You blew me off 'cause you like the ladies.Which is cool. I like the ladies, too.And right now, it's the two ladies I like.Robbie, if I were gonna go lesbian,she would be the last "Les" I'd "Bian."Listen, babe--You really hurt her.Stop.She sleep-eats trans fats thanks to you.Here, stuff all of these in your mouth.Got it, your thing. I'll be quiet.Robbie, this isn't cool at all.Mm-mm.Showing up here after what you did?You go, girl.I have something to say to you and you had better listen. Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.What are you, the relationship ghost?Robbie, just go!I can't say what I need to in front of the relationship ghost. I'll call you to come get your stuffand we can talk then.Leave the key.Straight up, Max, you're breaking my heart.You're the only woman that I feel this way about. Here.Ladies, I don't know what's going on here,but it would've been a lot sexier if I was in it.Are you okay? If you wanna talk, I'm here.Can I get a hit off that?You think these are good?God, we're poor.Morning!It's a beautiful day.These shades belong down.From now on, think of me as a vampirewithout all the annoying marketing.Bad news.A pipe broke in the street so the water's off.Good news, when I went out to get us two coffees,I spoke to Juan and Javier, two city workers.And they assured me the water'll be on no later than 3:00.I also stopped at the health food storeand got us a fresh-squeezed juice to split.It's ginger-apple-strawberry.That was the name of the hooker who had this apartment before me.What is this?From me.It says "Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed last night."I prefer my usual cash on the bedside table.When I went to the cute coffee place,I spoke to the counter girl, Nabulangi--If someone named Nabulangi is making an appearancein the first sentence, I have to sit down.And she said her manager'll be in at 11:00.So I thought I'd chanel it up,walk on over there,introduce myself and your fabulous cupcakes.That's exactly what I was gonna do.I'm just gonna go say good-bye to Chestnut and get going. You know, having only one cute outfittakes hours off getting dressed.Oh. That is a lot of fresh Brooklyn.Morning, Chestnut.It's a beautiful--No. Way.Look, Chanel Number Two.Tell me it's mud.T-tell me it's mud.It's mud?What is that?A carrot?There's carrots in the mud?There's no water.Oh, get it off me, please.Please do something.Just get it off me, get it off me.Stop!This is dry-clean only.Max, please, please take mesomewhere they have a hot shower, I beg of you.Calm down, it's just mud.Max, please--Don't touch me!Thank you so much for taking me to shower at your babysitting job.Well, I didn't have much of a choice.You pulled the pillow knife on me.I'll just introduce myself to your bossand tell her what happened.Look, I don't want Peach to know you were here.This is a job. Not a meet-and-greet.Got it.You get in there, you take a five-minute shower,clean it up and go.Fine, I'll hide in the hallway till she's gone.No need, just follow me in. She never really looks at me. Morning!Hi, Max.Go!Hey, Peach.Uh, hair and makeup.What's the big occasion?Pilates.Max, good news.They found a way to make diamonds more sparkly?I got Brad and Angelina a playdatewith another set of twins in the building.It starts in five minutes.Cool, what are their names?6B.Bye-bye, Brangelina.Mommy loves you.Guys? Before you leave,stop at this one.Angelina could use a little help.Contour that neck, she's a fatty. Peach, come on, that's baby fat.Still, kids can be cruel.Don't you listen to your mommy, Angelina.She never eats.Oh, no, she doesn't.Here it is.Caroline with an "E."I have your new and correct nametag.Oh, thank you, Han.Oh.I've seen something I should not have.I will just put correct nametag here on counter.So sorry, but many thank yous.What are you doing?I know you said you don't want it up there.But now that you see it...How does it feel?It feels like you're not listening to meat this job or at my other job.I said a five-minute shower and get out.Did you take a nap at Peach's?The thread count was calling to me.Peach found blonde hairs in her bedand thought her husband was cheating on her.Which he is, but that's not the point.You almost ruined a perfectly happy fake marriage,and there are innocent children involved.Well, I have some good news.Look, it's Nabulangi.I invited her in to taste your amazing cupcakes.And when she loves them, we'll have an in at her bakery. Come over and say hello.No, I can't now. I wanna call Robbie before we get too busy.Tell him when to come over and get his stuff.Max, wait.No, don't distract me.I wanna sound cool and hot and all like,"You can't have me anymore, sucka."Max--Robbie, it's me.Classy burp on your outgoing message.Max, I--No.I need you to come get your stuff tomorrow.。
