马克吐温的幽默故事与名言（Mark Twain's humorous stories andquotes）Mark Twain's humorous stories and quotesMark Twain's humorous storyA chance chance, mark? Twain and the orator johnsy? M? He was invited to the same dinner.The speech begins, johnsy? M? He talked for 20 minutes and won a big round of applause. And then mark? Twain's speech.Mark? Twain stand up and face has be reluctant to say: "you, I'm very sorry, the meeting jossie? M? About puma Mr I swap speeches, so you just hear my speech, thank you sincerely, I seriously listen to and enthusiastic support. However, somehow, I can't find jossie? M? Mr Tiger's notes, so I can't speak for him. Please you to forgive me to sit down."French celebrity bogei, who makes fun of americans' short history, says: "when americans are fine, they tend to miss their ancestors, but when they think of their grandfather, they have to stop."Mark? Twain replied: "when the French are fine, they always want to know who their father is, but it's hard to know."When mark? When twain was a little-known writer, he was introduced to general grant.After the two shook hands, mark? Twain could not think of anything to say, and grant kept his usual reticence. And finally mark? Twain stammered, "I'm embarrassed, general, and you?"Mark? Twain was out on a bus. When the conductor checked his ticket, he rummaged every pocket and didn't find his ticket. The train attendant knew him, so he consoled mark. "It's okay," twain said. "if you can't find a ticket, it won't matter." "Why, I must find the damn ticket, if not, how can I know where I am going?"Mark? Twain often spoke of a sad memory of his childhood. It's said that mark? Twain was born with twins, and he and his twin brother were identical, and their mother could not tell.One day, while the nurse was bathing for them, one of them accidentally fell into a bathtub and drowned. No one knew which of the twins was drowned."The saddest thing is right here." Mark? "Everyone thought I was the one who survived, but I wasn't. It was my brother who survived. It was me who drowned," twain said.Mark? Twain once had a place at a hotel where he was told that the mosquitoes were particularly fierce.When he checked in at the desk, a mosquito flew in. Mark? Twain said to the waiter, "I have heard that your mosquito is very clever, and if so, it will come to see my registered room number in advance, so that we can have a good dinner at night."The waiter could not help laughing. The night mark? Twain slept well, because the waiter remembered the room number and entered the room ahead of time to kill mosquito repellent.There was a critic who loved to be picky about details and accused mark? Twain lied. Mark? Twain replied, "if you would not lie, your ability to lie, your knowledge of how to lie, how would you judge that I was lying?" Only those who are experienced in this regard have the right to be so blatantly arbitrary. "Mark? Twain once wrote an AD in the newspaper that read: "half of the members of congress are bastards." When newspapers were sold, many of the protest phones followed, and these congressmen didn't think they were jerks, and demanded that Mark Twain correct them. Mark Twain then posted another correction: "I was wrong, Congressman, half of them are not jerks."-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --Mark? Twain quotesHappiness is not a self - existence, it is only compared to other unhappy things,That is the whole of happiness."Happiness ain't a thing in itself -- it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. That's all it is."Lack of money is the root of all evil."The lack of money is The root of all evil."The true irreverence is the lack of respect for other people's gods."True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god."Human beings are the only animals. He loves his neighbor as much as he loves himself, but if there is a problem with his theology, he will cut his throat."He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cut his throat if his theology isn 't straight."Every life has an asset that is worth more than any other asset, and that is his last breath."Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others."A good breeding is to hide our praise of ourselves, and to hide our judgement about the poor of others."Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.""Fame" is like a steam, "fame" is like an accident, and the only thing on earth that can be certain is forgotten."Fame is vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.""Principle" is another name for "prejudice"."Principles is another name for prejudice."Superstitious people always believe in bold predictions."Prophecies boldly uttered never fall barren on superstitious ears.""Need" does not understand any "law"."Necessity knows no law."When you fish for love, use your heart as bait, not your brain."When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."If all men are rich, then all men are poor."If all men were rich, all men would be poor."You often confess to your mistakes and your boss will lose his guard and you will have the opportunity to make more mistakes."Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authorityoff their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."Get the facts first and then you can distort it as you wish."Get your facts first, and then you can take them as much as you like."One's most dangerous enemy is his own tongue."The deadly enemy of a man, his own tongue..."A malicious book will not hurt anyone but the fool who wrote it."A malignant book would hurt nobody but the fool who wrote it."Prophecy is the only human technology that cannot be improved by practice."Prophesying was the only human art that couldn 't be improved by practice."When a man reads the bible, he is not so surprised by god's wisdom that he is astonished at god's ignorance."When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what he doesn't know."Adam was such a muddle, he had been successful in everything, and he had succeeded in winning the hearts of the most beautiful girls in the community.But he was not satisfied with his conquests; he had to eat the poor little apple."What a fool old Adam was. Had everything his own way; Had succeeded in gaining the love of the best looking girl in the neighborhood, but yet unsatisfied with his conquest he Had to eat a miserable little apple."India has two million gods and they worship all these gods. Other countries in religion are poor, and India is the only "millionaire"."India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other Countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire."If you adopt a hungry dog and make it comfortable, it won't bite you, which is the main difference between a man and a dog."If you pick up a study dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."There has never been a century, and no country has ever had a shortage of experts who can know god's mind and want to show it."There was never a century nor a Country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it."There was a man who came to earth from heaven to travel, and he used a price ticket that was valid for thirty days, and he tried to sell his return ticket."Ingersoll's story of the man that went down From heaven on a reduced - rate excursion ticket good for 30 days."God created the idiot first, it was just a warm-up, and then he created the education committee.In the first place God made idiots.Success is without him, and the only thing is, knowing and confident.Humor is the power of salvation.Truth's boots have not yet been put on, and lies run round the world.Although love seems to be the fastest among all things, it is the slowest. Men and women do not know what a perfect love is, unless they have been married for twenty-five years.My love seems the fastest of all growths, it is really the slowest. No man or woman knows what perfect love is, until they have had I a quarter of a century.On April 1, think back to what the other 364 days of the year were doing.The first of April is The day we remember what we are The other 364 days of The year.I would use city instead of "Metropolis" to express the city, cop and never use policeman to express the police, since three, four letters of short words can earn seven cents, why to use those long words?I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write a policeman because I can get the same money for cop.Don't tell the truth to the unworthy.Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.It's even more incredible than fiction.Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.Vomit to say: Late come of true facts, be like suddenly horseshoe, ah of shooting the head, pain!Mark Twain said: the truth of late,It's like a horseshoe hit on the head. Ouch!Don't give up your imagination. When the imagination had no after, you can also exist, but although you living dead still.Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may stillexist, but you have ceased to live.Tell the truth forever, such of words you need not recorded you to once say some what.Always tell the truth, so you don't have to remember what you said.Those persons who have a good book but don't read are different and can't read the person of these books to own any advantage.People who have good books and not read them have no advantage over those who cannot read them.I'm eager to shut up.Better to shut up and not to express yourself.Calculate to the person also unimportant with the stupid stupid impression.It doesn't matter if you give a stupid impression.There is such a kind of intense emotion of sanctity is thus sweet, firm and honest.Friendship is such a holy passion, so sweet, strong and loyal.Such a characteristic can make the comity support life long as long as don't think the other party borrows money.Such a trait can sustain a friendship for life - as long as they don't want each other to borrow money.Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybodyEveryone is like a moon, unwilling to let others see the dark side.As long As had ignorance and self-confidence, you can succeed by all means.With ignorance and confidence, you are sure to succeed.Among all animals, the mankind are the most ruthlessness, is unique make the happiness on pain and sufferings of animal. In the midst of all the animals, humans are the most ruthlessness, is the only animal make happy on pain.You mean human is like this - always lie, always thought with those really don't have virtue, but denied that the higher animals have them (in fact, only they have). The beast had never done a cruel thing - it was a patent for a moral animal. A beast called by something to suffer by unintentional, it's nothing wrong, because for it, there is han have something "wrong", it makes things beside the pain, is not for happy - the only person doing it. This is the encouragement of a disorganized moral heart.There are two kinds of Christian morality, one is private and the other is public morality. These two morals are so different,so irrelevant, that they have nothing to do with one another as angels and politicians. In a year, American citizens have 363 days to honor their Christian virtues, and keep the perfect nature of the state pure. Then, for the remaining two days, he left Christian private to stay at home... Go to great lengths to destroy and destroy his faithful and proper work for a whole year.Humans have always had this uniqueness: it retains two sets of rules -- a private, a set of true; A set of public, a set of pretentious.Human in the vast majority of people, whether it's barbarous or civilization, is kind-hearted and winced in secretly afraid to call a person suffering, but in front of a small group of practitioners of aggression and ruthless in front, they dare not stubborn.There are 869 ways of lying,But one of them is strictly prohibited "don't commit perjury against your neighbor.I know your race. It is made up of sheep. They rule for a few, rarely or never rule for most people. They repressed their feelings and beliefs and followed a small group of screaming people. Sometimes the person who cries is right, sometimes wrong; But it doesn't matter, the people always because you always and always are the slaves of the few. There has never been a country where most of them are loyal to any such system.Just let me create a country's superstitions, and I don't care who gives him the law, or whoever makes the songs.What is a "real" civilization? No one can solve this mystery, despite all the efforts. Let's suppose we figure out what is not a real civilization, and then take this part out of the total, and call the rest of it the "real" civilization... Any system, if any, is not a true civilization: the enslavement of men, the various and cruel punishments of the tyrannical government, and the almost universal superstition of ignorance and poverty; On the contrary, the system without the above is a real civilization.The main ingredient of life is not facts and events, but its main ingredient is the storm of thought, which has been attacked in the mind all its life.Foreigners don't need Chinese, and Chinese don't need foreigners. At this point, I stand with boxers all the time. The boxer was a patriot. They love their country more than other nations. I wish them success. The boxers advocated driving us out of their country. I'm also a boxer. Because I also want to drive them out of our country.Davis's books were not circulated in the upper echelons of the United States. But as long as you put on a diving suit the dive, dive, always dive to the densely populated areas, the drudge, always get hungry, region can't see the sun, you will find millions of copies of his books. The people in this market, the wealth is fixed, the butter bread is secure, because these people will never abandon it.The smug words we use ourselves are not from ourselves. What belongs to us is nothing more than some modifications made in the context of our temperamental environment, education and social relations. It's just a little bit of modification, to make it different from other people's expressions, to give us a brand of our own style, which temporarily counts as our own. Everything else is vintage, a cliche that has been spoken by generations of people for centuries.The world and there's nothing like a good speech so easily, it can put those unfamiliar with the tricks of the speech and magic associated nerve organs in the vicinity of epilepsy epilepsy, overturned their faith, their feelings.Despite the formidable power of public opinion, it was created by a group of ignorant self-satisfied fools. I know hundreds of journalists, most of which the personal opinion is not valuable, but when they spoke to the newspaper, it became a newspaper's opinions, so, they also became a thunderous prophecy to shock the society.My own experience tells me that journalists like to lie. I myself have begun to make a vivid lie on the Pacific coast; Today, the lie is still endemic.There is no point in making an opinion when there is no evidence to form an opinion. If you make a man without a bone, it may look like life, but it can't stand up. ...... Evidence is the bone of opinion.I think everyone I know has morals, though I don't like to ask.I know I do. But I would rather teach others morality every day than practice morality. "Give it to someone else" is my motto. I'm done with morality. You'll never need it.The function of moral heart is to make people distinguish between good and bad, so that people can choose to do as they wish.But what good can he get from here? He kept picking, and in all likelihood he chose the bad. There should be no bad things in the world; Without conscience, there will be no more bad things. However, people are such an unscrupulous animal that they can't see that they fall to the bottom of the living thing because of their moral heart. Whoever has it will fall.Morality is a kind of gain -- like music, like a foreign language, like pious poker and paralysis -- without life to have morality.。
