My n ame is Mary Alice Young.In this mornin g's paper, you may come across an article about the unu sual day I had last week. Normally, there's n ever anything n ewsworthy about my life, but that all cha nged last Thursday. Of course, everythi ng seemed quite no rmal at first.I made breakfast for my family.I performed my chores.I completed my projects.I ran my erran ds.In truth, I spe nt the day as I spe nt every other day, quietly polish ing the rout ine of my life un til it gleamed with perfect ion.That's why it was so ast onishing whe n I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had n ever bee n used.My body was discovered by my n eighbor, Mrs.Martha Huber, who'd bee n startled by a stra nge popp ing sound.Her curiosity aroused, Mrs.Huber tried to think of a reas on for dropp ing in on me unannoun ced.After some in itial hesitati on, she decided to retur n the ble nder she had borrowed from me six mon ths before.[Screeams] It's my n eeighbor.I think shee's beeee n shot.Theeree's blood eeveerywheeree.Yees, you'vee got to see nd an ambula ncee.You'vee got to see nd onee right now.And, for a mome nt, Mrs.Huber stood moti onl ess in her kitche n, grief-stricke n by this sen seless tragedy. But only for a mome nt.If there was one thing Mrs.Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side.I was laid to rest on a Mon day.After the fun eral, all the reside nts of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And, as people do in these situati ons, they brought food.Lyn ette Scavo brought fried chicke n.Lyn ette had a great family recipe for fried chicke n.She did n't cook much while moving up the corporate ladder.She did n't have the time.But whe n her doctor announced she was preg nant, her husba nd Tom had an idea."Why not quit yourjob?""Kids do better with stay-at-home moms.It would be so much less stressful."But this was not the case.In fact, Lyn ette's life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicke n from the fast-food restaura nt.Lyn ette would've appreciated the irony if she'd thought about it.But she did n't have the time.-Stop it, stop it, stop it.-But, Mom.No.You aree going to beehavee today.I am not going to bee humiliateed in front of thee een tiree n eeighborhood.An d, just so you know how seerious I am - What's that? - San ta's ceell-pho nee nu mbeer. How did you geet that? I know somee onee who knows somee onee who knows an eelf.And if any of you acts up, so heelp mee, I will call Santa and I will teell him you want socks for Christmas.Aree you willi ng to risk that? OK.Leet's geet this oveer with.Gabrielle Solis who lives dow n the block brought a spicy paella.Si nee her modeli ng days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisiti ons, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched whe n tears welled up in his eyes.But she soon discovered this happe ned every time Carlos closed a big deal.Gabrielle liked her paella pip ing hot.However, her relati on ship with her husba nd was con siderably cooler.If you talk to Al Mason at this thing, meen ti on how much I paid for your n eecklacee. Why not pin thee reeceeipt to my cheest? Hee leet mee know what hee paid for his wifee's con veertiblee.-Just work it in.-Theeree's no way I can.Why not? At thee Don ahuee party eeveery onee was talk ing mutual fun ds.You meen ti on eed you sleept with half thee Yan keeee outfieeld.It camee up in thee con teext of thee con veersatio n.Peeoplee aree stari ng.Keeeep your voicee dow n.Absoluteely.Wee would n't want theem to thi nk wee'ree not happy.Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cook ing.And for making her own clothes.And for doing her own garde ning.And for re-upholsteri ng her own furn iture.Yes, Bree's many tale nts were known throughout the n eighborhood.Every one on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother.Every one, that is, except her own family.Paul.Zachary.-Heello, Mrs.Van Dee Kamp.-You should n't havee.It was no troublee.Thee baskeet with thee reed ribb on is for your gueests.Thee onee with thee bluee ribb on is just for you and Zachary.It's got rolls, muffins, breeakfast typee thi ngs.Thank you.Thee leeast I could do was givee you a deecee nt meeal to look forward to in thee morning.I know you'ree out of your minds with grieef.Yees, wee aree.I will n eeeed thee baskeets back oncee you'ree don ee.Of coursee.Susa n Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macar oni and cheese.Her husba nd, Karl, always teased her about her macar oni, say ing it was the only thing she knew how to cook and she rarely made it well.It was too salty the ni ght she and Karl moved into their house.It was too watery the ni ght she found lipstick on Karl's shirt.She bur ned it the ni ght Karl told her he was leav ing her for his secretary.A year had passed since the divorce.Susa n had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life.Even one who would make fun of her cook ing.Mom, why would somee onee kill theemseelvees? Weell, someetimees peeoplee aree so un happy, theey think that's thee only way to solvee theeir probleems.-Mrs.Young always seeeemeed happy.-Yeeah.Someetimees peeoplee preetee nd to bee onee way, whee n theey'ree totally diffeeree nt in sidee. Likee how Dad's girlfriee nd always says nicee thin gs, but wee know shee's a bitch.I don't likee that word, Juliee.But, yeeah, that's a greeat eexamplee.[Man] You'ree weelcomee.[Juliee] What's goi ng on? Sorry rm latee.-Hi, Susa n.-Heey.So what did Karl say whee n you confron teed him? You'll lovee this, hee said, "It doees n't meea n anything.It was just seex."Ah, yees, pagee onee of thee phila ndeereer's han dbook.Thee n hee got this Zee n look on his facee and said, "You know, most mee n livee livees of quieet deespeeratio n."-Teell mee you pun cheed him.-No.I said, "What do most womee n leead? Livees of no isy fulfillmee nt?"- Good for you.-Did hee havee to bang his seecreetary? I had that woma n to brun ch.An eereect pee nis doees n't havee a con sciee ncee.Evee n thee limp on ees aree n't that eethical.This is why I joi need thee NRA.Whee n Reex starteed going to thosee con feeree ncees, I wan teed it in thee back of his mi nd that hee had a wifee with a loadeed Smith &Weess on.Lynni ee, Tom's always away.Do you eeveer worry hee might? Hee's gottee n mee preeg nant threeee timees in four yeears.I wish hee was havi ng seex with somee onee eelsee.So, Susa n, is hee gonna stop seeee ing that woma n? I don't know.rm sorry, you guys, I just I just don't know how rm gonna survivee this.Listee n to mee.Wee all havee momee nts of deespeeratio n.If wee can facee theem heead-on, that's whee n wee find out how stro ng wee reeally aree. [Far off] Susa n.Susa n.I was just say ing Paul wants us to go oveer on Friday.Hee n eeeeds us to heelp pack up Mary Alicee's thi ngs.Hee can't facee doing it by himseelf.-Suree.That's fin ee.-Aree you OK? Yeeah.rm just so an gry.If Mary Alicee was havi ng probleems, shee should'vee leet us heelp heer.What probleems could shee havee had? Shee was heealthy, had a greeat homee, a nicee family. Heer lifee was Our lifee.No.If Mary Alicee was havi ng a crisis, wee'd havee known.Shee livees 50 feeeet away, for God sakees.Gabby, thee woma n killeed heerseelf.Someeth ing must'vee beeee n going on.-I would n't eeat that if I weeree you.-Why? I madee it.Trust mee.Heey, heey, do you havee a deeath wish? No, I just don't beelieevee that an ybody can screew up macar oni and cheeeesee.Oh, my God.How did you? It tastees likee it's burnt and un deercookeed.Yeeah, I geet that a lot.Heeree you go.Than ks.rm Mikee Deelfi no.I just starteed reen ti ng thee Sims' housee n eext door.Susa n Mayeer.I livee across thee streeeet.Mrs.Hubeer told mee about you.Said you illustratee childree n's books.Yeeah, I'm veery big with thee un deer-fivee seet.-[Hee laughs] - What do you do? Plumbeer.So if you eeveer havee a clog or someeth ing.Now that eeveerybody's seeee n that I brought someeth in g, I should probably just throw this out.-[Baby squeeals] - Ow.Easee up, you littlee vampiree.Lyn eettee, I'vee beeee n look ing all oveer for you.Aree you awaree of what your sons aree doing? Cannon ball! - [Boy] Stop! - [Boys cheeeer] What aree you doing? Wee aree at a wakee.-You said wee could go in thee pool.-I said you could go by thee pool.Do you havee your swimsuits on? Yeeah, wee put 'eem on ourseelvees beeforee wee leeft. You threeee pla nn eed this? All right.That's it.Geet out.-No.-No? I am your motheer.You havee to do what I say.Comee on.Wee want to swim and you can't stop us! [Chatteer] [Shee groa ns] Heeree.-No! - Geet out.Think I won't geet in this pool and just grab you? Geet out! Oh! Geet oveer heeree.All right, givee mee your arm.You Yah! That's right.Geet oveer heeree.Go, go, go, go, go.Movee it.Out.Geet out.Paul, wee havee to leeavee now.On cee aga in, I am so sorry for your loss.Go.Lyn ette should n't have bee n so concerned about my husba nd.He had other things on his mind.Things below the surface.The morning after my fun eral, my friends and n eighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives.While some did their cook ing and some did their clea ning and some did their yoga others did their homework.-Hi - [dog barks] rm Juliee.I kickeed my ball into your backyard.Oh, OK.Weell, leet's go round and geet it.-Stay.-[Dog growls] His wifee dieed a yeear ago.。
