英语听力练习（笑话）
Beer for washing hair
啤酒是洗头用的
Two nuns were shopping and happened to be passing the beer store. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying. . ."Here, don't forget the curlers."
两个修女外出购物，路过一家啤酒店。其中一个修女问另外一个要不要买点啤酒喝。那个修女回答说她是想喝，但不太敢去买。第一个修女说她会搞定，说罢拿起一提六瓶装的啤酒，来到收银台。看到收银员的表情有点怪，第一个修女说，“我们买啤酒是用来洗头的。” 收银员，眼皮都没有眨一下，把手伸进柜台下面，拿出一包椒盐饼干放到装啤酒的袋子里面，说“嘿，卷发器可不能少!”
Another 40 Years to live
再活40年
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院，在手术台上，濒临死亡之际，她看到了上帝，于是，她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。上帝回答说，“还没有，你还能活43年，2个月零8天。”身体快要康复的时候，这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年，得好好对待自己，于是决定先不出院，而是去给自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一
些美容美体手术。她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。做完最后一个手术，这位女士出院了，但就在过马路的时候，她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地问上帝，“我记得你说我还能再活40年？”上帝回答，“那个时候我没认出你来”。
A dumb boy
笨小孩
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer ..., "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!
一个小男孩走进一家理发店，理发师低声对他的顾客说，“我再也没见过比这个小子更笨的小孩了，你看着，我证明给你看。” 理发师拿出一张1美元的钞票放在一只手上，另一只手上则拿着两个25美分的硬币，把小孩叫跟前问，“你想要哪只手上的？” 男孩拿走了那两个25美分然后走了。“瞧我刚才怎么跟你说的？” 理发师说，“那小子就不会学精点!” 过了一会，顾客离开了理发店，他发现刚才那个小男孩从一间雪糕店走出来。“嘿，小家伙! 我可以问你个问题吗？你为什么不拿那一美元，而拿那两个25 美分呢？” 小男孩舔了一口手上的雪糕回答说，“我要是拿了那一美元的钞票，以后那剪头的再也不会给我钱了!”
A dog can play the piano
会弹钢琴的狗
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!" The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!" So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?" The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
一个人带着他的狗走进一家酒吧。酒吧服务生对他说，“这里不能带狗进来，请离开吧!”
那个人对服务生说，“这可不是一般的狗，它可是会弹钢琴的!”服务生回答说，“呃，如果它真的能弹钢琴，你们可以免费在这喝上一杯!”那个人把狗放到了弹钢琴坐的凳子上面，狗就开始了演奏，先是拉格泰姆音乐、接着弹莫扎特还有其它的……服务生和顾客们都非常欣赏它的弹奏。突然，一只体型更大的狗跑了进来，一把抓住小狗的脖子就把它拽出去了。酒吧服务生问那个人，“那是怎么回事？”那人回答，“噢，那是它妈妈。她不想它儿子玩音乐，而是做一名医生。”
Are you a normal person？
你是正常人吗？
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ..., "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
参观一所精神病院的时候一个参观者问院长，“你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该被关进精神病院呢？”“呃……”院长说，“是这样，我们先给一个浴缸放满水，然后我们给病人一个调茶匙，一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。”“噢，我明白了”，参观者说。“一个正常人会选择水桶，因为水桶比茶匙，茶杯的体积大。”“错了”，“院长回答”“正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉”。
Wrong Way
错误方向
As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"
一位老人开车行驶在高速公路上，这时车载电话响了。接通电话后，他听到妻子急迫的声音警告他：“弗雷德，我刚刚听到新闻，有辆车在94号公路上逆行，一定当心啊！”“可不光是一辆车，”弗雷德说，“有好几百辆了！”
Word of inspiration
圣灵的感悟
Jake had been an observant catholic and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their priest, to be with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Jake's condition appeared to deteriorate rapidly and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Jake used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Jake died. He said, "You know, Jake handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Jake, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. " He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
What is the bad news?
坏消息呢？
A guy goes to see his doctor to get his test results. "Well Mr. Jones, I have some good news & some bad news for you. The good news is that you have only 24hrs to live. "That's the good news?" wails Jones, "What is the bad news?" The Doctor gives a sheepish grin and says, "I should have told you yesterday!!!"
小伙子去医院询问诊断结果。“琼斯先生，我要告诉你一个好消息和一个坏消息，好消息是你只能活24小时了。”“这是好消息？”琼斯惨叫了一声，“那么坏消息呢？”医生苦笑一声：“我应该昨天告诉你这些的。”
Graveyard Scare
墓地惊魂
One dark night two guys were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. When they got to about the middle of the graveyard they were startled and stopped moving. There was this terrifying noise, “TAP-TAP-TAP” coming from the shadows. Trembling with fear, they spotted an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You SCARED us half to death. We thought you were a GHOST! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!!"
一个漆黑的夜晚，两个小伙子参加完聚会，决定抄近路穿过一片坟地走回家。走到坟地的中间，从阴暗处传出来恐怖的“嗒、嗒、嗒”声音，吓得他们再也走不动了。浑身颤抖着，他们发现有个老人正拿着榔头和凿子凿一块墓碑。“噢，主啊，”其中一个屏住呼吸说，“你
吓死我们了，我们还以为你是鬼了。这么晚了你在这干什么呢？”“这些傻瓜！”老人抱怨说，“他们拼错了我的名字！”
Fat free
油是免费的
I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes.... The fat is free!"
有一次我走进一家快餐店，被一个标志牌吸引了，上面写着“无油薯条”。我打算尝尝，但是看到服务员从锅里捞出的一篮薯条沾满了油，真是吓了我一大跳。他给我装了一袋，账单上显示出价钱。“等会儿，”我说，“这不是无油的？”“是的，我们只对薯条收费，油是免费的！”
电子邮件
A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
有个人去牙买加度假，他的妻子正好出差，所以打算在他到之后的第二天去找他。他到了宾馆，想要给妻子发封邮件，但是记着邮箱的纸找不到了，于是他凭着记忆把信发到了一个邮箱。很不幸，他漏掉了一个字母，因此他的信发到了一个老传教士的妻子的邮箱里，而传教士恰好在前一天去世了。悲痛的老妇人察看邮箱，看着显示器屏幕她尖叫一声，随后就倒在地上死去了。听到她的声音，家人赶忙跑进她的房间，只见这样一句话显示在屏幕上：“亲爱的，快来吧。为了你明天的到来，一切都准备好了。爱你的丈夫。顺便说一句，这里
可真够热的。”
He loves chocolate chip cookies
他爱吃巧克力块曲奇
An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world. With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen. There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding. "Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"
老人躺在床上，只能再活几个小时了。突然，他闻到了巧克力块曲奇的味道，他最爱吃这种饼干了。用他最后一点力气，老人翻下床，爬到楼梯那，下楼到了厨房。他老伴正在做巧克力块曲奇。他拿了一块，这时手背被他老伴用木勺打了一下，“放下，”她说，“这是葬礼上用的！”
Einstein and God
爱因斯坦与上帝
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord..."God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." "Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
爱因斯坦登上西奈山与上帝近距离交谈。仰望着上帝，他问道：“神啊，一百万年对于你来说相当于什么呢？”上帝回答：“一分钟。”爱因斯坦问：“一百万元对于你来说又相当于什么呢？”上帝回答：“一分钱。”爱因斯坦问：“能给我一分钱吗？”上帝说：“请等一分钟。”
今晚他们派我当诱饵
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a rowdy bar to anticipate possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him and turned on his light and pulled the
driver over, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The test results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how could that be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
一天深夜，一名警察去一个经常有人闹事的酒吧门口巡逻，为了避免有酒后驾车的情况发生。酒吧打烊了，他看见一个家伙跌跌撞撞的跑出来，一下摔在路边，随后又用钥匙试着开了五辆车的门才找到他自己的车。坐进车里，好几分钟他又都是在摸着那些钥匙。这时人们都从酒吧出来并且开车走了。最后他也发动了车子准备开走，警察已经等这个机会很久了，他打开灯，把司机从车里拉出来，给他宣读了他所享有的法定权利，然后作了酒精的测试。测试的结果是零，于是困惑的警察问他是为什么，司机说：“今晚他们派我当诱饵。”
Don't sell that cow
别卖那头牛
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!" She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said, "Don't sell that cow!
睿智的老女修道院长处在了弥留之际。修女们聚集在她的病床边，想办法让她舒适的离去。她们给她喝温好的牛奶，但是被她拒绝了。这时一个修女拿着杯子去了厨房。还记得去年圣诞节她们收的礼物当中有瓶威士忌，她打开瓶子往牛奶里倒了大半杯。之后她回到老院长的床边，喂她喝杯子里的东西。老院长喝了一小口，又一大口，大家伙儿都还不知道这个修女到底做了什么，但是院长已经喝光了整杯的奶。“院长，院长，”修女们哭着说，“把你的智慧赐给我们吧！”老院长直起身子，虔诚的指着窗外，说：“千万别卖那头牛！”
Turn Off Your Cell Phone
关掉你的手机
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started walking her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me." By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was feeling a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"? "No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
那天晚上我们去看电影，和往常一样我坐在走廊的座位上，因为我觉得这里更宽敞。就在即将放映的时候，坐在中间位置的一位女士站起来往外走。“劳驾，噢不好意思，请原谅，噢。”她走到我旁边的时候，我试图绕过她看后面的屏幕。我有点不耐烦：“你就不能早点出去吗？”“不能！”她大声说，“屏幕上打出了‘请关掉手机’，而我的在车里。”
Turkey and football
火鸡与足球
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line! When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!! You made the team and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey shouted, "I want to know if I’ll be playing Thanksgiving Day?!!"
足球队结束了一天的训练，这时一只火鸡来到场地上。在球员们惊异的注视之下，它走到主教练面前要求一次试训的机会。火鸡过了一个又一个人突破了整条后防线，而每个人都是在那静静的看着。当火鸡回到边线的地方，教练喊道，“太出色了！你是我们的一员了，我要给你一个大大的奖励。”“奖励就算了吧，”火鸡喊道，“我想知道是否可以在感恩节的时候上场！”
That's the difference
这就是区别所在
A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.
After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
孩子在车库打球时掉了一只隐形眼镜。
找了一会儿，他告诉母亲找不到了。母亲出去了，几分钟以后，拿着隐形眼镜回来。“妈
妈，你是怎么找到的？”孩子问。“我们找的不是同一件东西，”母亲回答，“你找的是一小片塑料，而我是在找150块钱。”
Open-book exam
开卷考试
ON THE DAY of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam.
我在加利福尼亚的圣玛丽亚市一所社区大学读书。期末考试那天，听说书店在回购我们的工商管理课本。考试前，我们几个赶忙跑到书店把书卖了，随后，我们坐在教室里等着考试。这时候教授宣布：考虑到试题的难度，今天的考试我们决定开卷。
Three wishes
三个愿望
A federal office worker finds a lamp in an old file drawer, and as he examines it a genie pops out. For his first of three traditional wishes, he wants to be on a beautiful deserted Island. Poof! There he is. Next, of course, he wants the gorgeous babes, and Poof! There they are. Finally, he realizes he must sustain this great life and wishes he would never have to work. Poof! He's back at the office.
一名政府工作人员在一个放文件的旧抽屉里发现了盏油灯，在他检查这盏油灯的时候，砰的一声一个妖怪冒了出来。他的第一个愿望是要去一个美丽的荒岛。砰！他就在那了。第二个愿望，他想要几个漂亮的女郎。砰！她们出现了。最后，他想永远过着无忧无虑的生活不用工作。砰！他回到了办公室。
Truck Driver
卡车司机
A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He
began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer on the side of the road." But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."
卡车快速行驶在高速公路上。司机见有个神父站在路边，觉得有义务要帮助他，于是把车停了下来，让神父上来。过了一小会儿，他见一个律师拿着公文包站在路边，于是他朝着律师把车开过去。快要到律师那里的时候，他觉得有神父在场所以不能再让律师上车了。他转了个弯，但是听到砰的一声巨响。一边开车他一边回头看去，但是什么也没看见。于是他为他所做的向神父忏悔：“对不起，神父，我不应该错过那个律师。”神父说：“别担心，孩子，我已经用我这边的车门砸到他了。”
Waiting Room
候诊室
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.” The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M." The third father opens the window and jumps out. The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?" One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.” The nurse asks, "Why?" He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
三位父亲在候诊室等候孩子的出生。第一个护士出来对第一位父亲说：“恭喜，你是一对双胞胎的父亲了！”父亲说：“太棒了，我正好是明尼苏达兄弟公司的经理。”第二个护士出来对第二位父亲说：“恭喜，你的孩子是三胞胎！”父亲说：“太好了，我正好是在３Ｍ公司工作。”第三位父亲打开窗户跳出去了。这时第三个护士出来了，问：“第三位父亲去哪了？”另外两个父亲其中的一个说：“噢他从窗户跳出去了。”护士问：“为什么呢？”“他在７Ｕp 公司上班。”
Off from work
请假了
My personnel-management class consisted mainly of adult, working students. One night while discussing job enrichment, the teacher asked if any of us would be happy doing what we did that day for the rest of our lives. A student in the back raised his hand. Surprised, the teacher asked him, "What did you do today?" Smiling, he said, "I took off from work."
我曾参加过一个员工管理培训课程，我们班上基本上都是成年人和一些半工半读的学
生。一天晚上我们在课上讨论工作丰富化的问题。我们的老师问我们当中有没有人愿意一辈子做今天所做的事情。坐在教室最后面的一个学生举起了手。老师觉得很惊奇，于是问那个学生，“你今天做什么来着？”，学生笑着回答，“我今天请假了”。
If Life Were Like A Computer
假如生活是一台电脑
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it! You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys. To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
你可以通过控制面板增加或者删除一些人；可以把孩子放进回收站，然后在你喜欢的时候再还原。可以通过调整显示器的设置让外表更好看；可以在吵闹的时候关掉音箱；可以点击“搜索”找到丢失了的遥控器和车钥匙；锻炼身体的时候，点击“运行”。要是你的生活一团糟，同时按下“ctrl, alt, delete”键，一切重新开始。
I would prefer the traditional service
我还是喜欢传统的仪式
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
一对年轻的夫妇和牧师商定婚礼的日期。牧师问他们是喜欢当代仪式还是传统的，他们选择了当代的。婚礼那天，强烈的暴风雨迫使新郎走了另一条路去教堂。街上积水很深，为了避免弄湿裤子他卷起了裤腿。最后他终于来到了教堂，伴郎赶忙拥他进了大殿走上圣坛，典礼开始了。“把裤腿放下来。”牧师小声说。“嗯，牧师，我改变主意了，”新郎说，“我想我还是喜欢传统的仪式。”
How did I do?
我干得怎么样？
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"
一名新警察与老警察开着警车第一次出去巡逻。
他们得到命令去疏散一群闲逛的人，于是他们开车去了那条街，看到路口站着一群人。新警察摇下窗户：“大家注意了，快离开这里。”人们看了他几眼，没理他。他喊起来：“离开这里，马上离开！”大家都不知道怎么回事，但是在他的威胁下还是离开了。新警察对他第一次执行公务的结果很满意，对老警察说：“我干得怎么样？”“你做得很好，”老警察笑着说，“尤其是在公共汽车站。”
Pa won't like it
爸爸会不高兴的
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
一个农家小孩好像意外打翻了一车玉米，住在附近的一个农夫听见了，喊道：“威利斯，先放那吧。过来和我们呆会儿，一会儿我帮你扶起来。”“太好了”，威利斯答道，“但是爸爸会不高兴的。”“哎呀，快来吧”，农夫仍然在坚持。“好吧”，小男孩终于点头答应了，“但是爸爸真的会不高兴。”一顿丰盛的晚餐之后，威利斯向农夫表示感谢：“我觉得好多了，但是爸爸肯定很不高兴。”“别傻了”，农夫笑着说，“哦，对了，你爸爸在哪了？”“车底下。”Psychiatrist
精神病医生
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!
杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了！”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢？”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了！”
Problem with gas
放屁的问题
A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
有位小老太太去看医生：“医生，我有爱放屁的毛病。其实也不是大问题，只是我放屁不臭而且没声音。事实上，我在这里已经放了20多个屁，但是你并不知道对吧，因为我的屁不臭，而且还没声音。”医生说：“好的，我明白了。吃这个药片，一天三次连续吃七天，下星期你再来。”一星期后老太太来了，“医生，你到底给的我什么药，现在我放屁还是没声音，但是怎么这么臭！”医生说：“太好了！你的嗅觉正常了，现在开始治听觉。”Poisonous snakes
毒蛇
A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither. The son asks, "Dad，are we poisonous snakes?" The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?" "Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"
一个阳光明媚的下午，蛇父亲和蛇儿子出去散步。儿子问：“爸爸，我们是毒蛇吗？”父亲得意的答道：“当然了，孩子，我们是响尾蛇啊！为什么这么问呢？”“因为，我刚把舌头咬破了！”
Photo of my wife
我老婆的照片
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
一个生意人走进一家酒馆，在吧台坐下，点了一杯加冰的双料martini。喝完，那生意人往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼，然后又让服务员把杯子满上。喝完，生意人又往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼，然后又让服务生帮他把杯子满上。这时酒馆的服务生说话了，“呃，老兄，我整个晚上给你倒martini都没有问题，但你得告诉我，你为什么在点下一杯酒前都要往自己衬衣的口袋里偷偷看那么一眼”。生意人回答，“我看的是我老婆的一张照片。如果照片上的人开始变得好看起来，那就说明我喝得差不多了，该回家了。”
Talking clock
会说话的钟
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's
two o'clock in the morning!"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”
Honest？
诚实吗？
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
在动物园，我无意中听到两个学龄前的小男孩在聊天。“我叫Billy。你叫什么名字？”一个男孩问题。“Tommy”，另一个男孩回答。
“我爸爸是一位会计师，你爸爸是做什么的？”Billy问Tommy。
“我爸爸是一位律师，”Tommy回答。
“真的吗？”Billy问。
“不是啦，就跟别的律师一样。”Tommy回答。
Endearing terms
可爱的称呼
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名
是什么了。”
St Peter's question
圣彼德的问题
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the accountant had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".
有三个人死了，分别是一名医生、一名会计和一名律师。他们来到了圣彼德面前。圣彼德对他们说，如果他们想进入天堂，就得每人回答一个问题。圣彼德看着医生开始发问，“以前电影院放过一部电影，说的是一艘船撞击冰山后沉没，电影的名字是什么？”医生回答，“＜＜泰坦尼克号＞＞”，医生随即被允许进入天堂。然后圣彼德看着会计说，“船上有多少人遇难？”。会计很走运，因为他刚看过这部电影，回答道，“1500人遇难。”圣彼德把会计也放进天堂了。最后，圣彼德转过身，看着律师，非常严肃地用命令的口吻问道，“把1500人的名字都说出来？”
You can marry any one of them
你可以跟他们中的任何一个结婚
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
一天，一个女孩把男孩子带回家见父亲，说要跟这个男孩结婚。她父亲跟男孩谈了一会之后，对她说她不能嫁给这个男孩，因为男孩跟她其实是同父异母的兄弟。之后，女孩又认
识了另外四个男孩并一一带回家见父亲，请求父亲同意他们结婚，但结果都是一样，这些男孩竟然跟她都是同父异母！女孩真的是被气坏了。她跟母亲说，“妈，你这一辈子到底是怎么过的？爸爸在镇上到处胡搞，现在我都谈到第五个男孩了，但现在一个都不能嫁，因为他们最后都是跟我一个爸爸”！
女孩说完，她母亲回答说，“亲爱的，不用担心，你可以跟他们中的任何一个结婚，你爸爸其实也，也不是你的亲爹”。
Want a day off
想请一天假
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.""We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off.""Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
一天，史密斯去见他的客户部领导，“老板”，斯密斯说，“我们家明天要大搞清洁，我老婆需要我回去帮忙清洁阁楼和车库，搬搬挪挪什么的。”“斯密斯啊，你也知道，我们现在人手已经不够了”老板说，“明天的假我是没法给你批了”。“多谢老板，”Smith说，“我就知道跟着您干准没错”。
It worked
有效
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Tom早上老起不来，所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气，警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是，Tom去看医生，医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。Tom照医生的话做了，睡得非常之好，事实上，他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。Tom从容不迫地吃完早餐，然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。
“老板”，Tom说，“那药真管用，我的睡眠好极了！”
“是够管用的，”老板说，“问题是，昨天你人哪去了”？
Life after death
死后重生
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死后重生吗？”老板问他的一个员工。
“我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。
“哦，那还好”。老板接着说。
“你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”
Bad news and good news
好消息＆坏消息
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”
“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么？”带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。
Business just started
开张大吉
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and
asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
一个年轻人的公司刚刚开张。他租用了漂亮的办公室，办公室内还放上了古董作装饰。这天，这位年轻人正在办公室里面坐着，他看到一个男的走进了办公室。为显示他是个成功的老板，这位年轻的生意人拿起电话假装正在谈大买卖，张觜就是三、五个亿，闭觜就说一切搞定、没问题！好不容易电话“打”完，挂上听筒，年轻人问进来的那人，“您有事吗？”那人说，“有事，我是来给你开通电话的”。
A Hasty Interruption
轻率的插话
The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "You'll never believe this one, " I told him." I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. "
Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Don't tell me she hasn't received them yet!"
我所工作的精品家具商店是从20世纪二十年代以来就营业的。最近我接到一个妇女的电话。她想换一套餐具中的一些椅子。这套餐具她是在三十年代从我们这儿买的。我向她保证说我们可以帮她的忙，于是我向部门经理寻求帮助。“你永远也不会相信，”我对他说，“我刚接到一个顾客的电话，她在三十年代从我们这里买了一些椅子。”
我还没来得及说她的要求，经理就打断了我的话：“你别告诉我她到现在还没收到货！”Parking Expenses
停车费
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to
$15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"
一个商人走进纽约一家银行询问信贷员。他说他准备出差去欧洲两个星期需要借款5000美金。信贷员说银行借款需要提供担保品。商人马上掏出停在银行门前的劳斯莱斯汽车的钥匙。一切手续办妥后银行信贷员接受了汽车做为贷款的抵押。店员把汽车开到银行地下车库并停放在那里。
两个星期后商人从欧洲回来，偿还了5000元借款以及15.41元的利息。信贷员问：“非常感谢您的光顾，这笔交易做得也很完美，但是我们有一个疑问，你离开后我们查了一下发现您是一个富翁。为什么您会不怕麻烦来这借5000元呢？”
商人回答：“除了您这我还能在纽约市的其他地方只需付款15元就能停车两个星期吗？”
He never heard a thing!
他什么都没听到
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."
我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗？”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了！”“是什么好东西？”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。
Class, Lass and Ass
班级、情人和蠢驴