Love means having a responsibility toward the person I love .This responsibility does not involve my doing for you what you are capable of doing for yourself ; nor does it mean that I run your life for you . It does imply acknowledging that what I am and what I do affects you, so that I am directly involved in your happiness and your misery. A lover does have the capacity to hurt or neglect the loved one, and in this sense I see that love involves an acceptance of some responsibility for the impact my way of being has on you.
Love means making a commitment to the person I love. This commitment does not involve giving up our total selves to each other; nor does it imply that our relationship is necessarily permanent. It does involve a willingness to stay with each other in times of pain, uncertainty, struggle, and despair, as well as in times of calm and enjoyment.
Some meanings of authentic love
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Love means that I know the I love.I’m aware of the many sides of the other person-not just the beautiful side but also the limitations,inconsistencies and flaws.I have an awareness of the other’s feelings and thoughts,and I experience something of the core of that person. I can penetrate social masks and roles and see the other on a deeper level.
Love means that I can care about the welfare of the person I love.To the extent that it is genuine,my caring is not smothering of the person or a possessive thinging.On the contrary,my caring liberates both of us.If I care about you,I’m concerned about your growth,and I hope you will become all that you can become.Consequently,I don’t put up roadblocks to what you do that enhances you as a person,even though it may result in my discomfort at tunes.
Love means having respect for the dignity of the person I love.If I love you ,I can see you as a separate you surrender your indentity and conform to an image ofo what I expecet you to be for me.I can allow you and encourage you to stand alone and to be who you are,and I avoid you as an object or using you primarily to gratify my own needs.
Love means having a responsibility toward the person I love.If I love you,I ‘m responsive to most of your majoy needs as a person.This responsibility does not entail my doing for you what you are capable of doing for yourself,nor does it mean that I run your life for you.It does imply acknowledging that what I am and what I do affect you,so that I am direcetly involved in your happiness and your misery.A lover does have the capacity to hurt or neglect the loved one,and in this sense I see that love entaila an acceptance of some responsibility for the impact my way of being has on me.
Love means growth for both myself and the person I love.If I love you ,I am growing as a result of my love.You are a stimulant for me to become more fully what I might become,and my loving enhances your being as well.We each grow as a result of caring and being cared for,we each share in an enriching experience that does not detract from our being.
Love means making a commitment to the person I love.This commitment does not entail surrendering our total selves to each other,nor does it imply that the relationship is necessarily permanent.I t does entail a willngness to stay with each other in times of pain,uncertainty,struggle,and despair,as well as in times of calm and enjoyment.
Love means trusting the person I love.If l love you,I trust you will accept my caring and my love and that you won’t deliberately hurt me.I trust that you will find me lovable and that you won’t abandon me;I trust the reciprocal nature of our love.If we trust each other,we are willing to
be open to each other and can shed masks and pretenses and reveal pur true selves.
Love can tolerate imperfection.In a love relationship there are times of boredom,times when I may feel like giving up,times of real strain,and times I experience an impasse.Authentic love does not inply enduring happiness.i can stay during rugh times,however,because I can remember what we had together in the past,and I can picture what we will have together in our future if we care enough to face our problems and work them through.We agree with Reverend Maier when he writes that love is a spirit that changes life.love is a way of life that is creative and that transforms.However,Maier does not view love as being reserved for a perfect world.”Love is meant for our imperfect world where things go wrong.Love is meant to be a spirit that works in painful situ ations.Love is meant to be bring meaning into where nonsense appears to regin.”In other words,love comes into an imperfect world to make it livable.
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Love is freeing.Love is freely given,not doled out on demand.At the same time,my love for you is not dependent on whether you fulfill my expectations of you.Authentic love does not imply “I’ll love you when you become perfect or when you become what I expect you to become.”Authentic love is not given with string at tached.There is an unconditional quality about love.
Love is expansive.If I love you,I encourage you to reach out and develop other relationships.Although our love for each other and our commitment to each other might bar certain actions on our parts,we are not totally and exlusively wedded to each other.It is a pseudolove that cements one person to another in such a way that he or she is not given romm to grow.Casey and Vanceburg put this notion well.
The honest evidence of our love is our commitment to encourageing another’s full development.We are interdependent personalities who need one anther’s presence in order to fulfill our destiny.And yet,we are also separate inviduals.We must come to terms with pur struggles alone.
Love means having a want for the person I love without having a need for that person in order to be complet.If I am nothing without you,then I’m not really free to love you.i love you and you leave,I’ll experience a loss and be sad and lonely,but l’ll still be able to surveive.If I am overly dependent on you for my meaning and my survival,then I am not free to challenge our relations;nor am I free to challenge and confront you.Because of my fear of losing you.I’ll settle for less than I want,and this settling will surely lead to feelings of resentment.
Love means identifying with the person I love.If I love you,I can empathize with you and see the world through your eyes.I can identify with you because I’m able to see myself in you and you in me.This closeness does not imply a continual”togetherness”for distance and separation are sometimes essential in a loving relationship.Distance can intensify a loving bond,and if can help us rediscorver ourselves,so that we are able to meet each other in a way.
Love is selfish.I can only love you if I grnuinely love,value,appreciate,and respect myself.If I am emty,then all I can give you is my emptiness.If I fell that I’m complete and worthwhile in myself,then I’m able to give you out of my fullness.One of the best ways for me to give you love
is by fully enjoying myslfe with you.
Love involves seeing the potential with the person we love.In my love for another,I view her or him as the person he or she can because,while still accepting who and what die person is now.Goeth’s observation is relevant here;by taking people as they are,we make them worse,but by treating them as if they already were what they ought to be,we help make them better.
We conclude this discussion of the meaninga that authentic love has for us by sharing a thought from Fromm’s The Art of Loving(1956).His description of mature love sums up the essential characteristics of authentic love quite well:
Mature love is union the condition of preserving one’s intergrityone’s individuality.In love this paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.
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(中文翻译)
爱意味着我了解我所爱的人，我知道那个人的方方面面——不仅仅是美好的一面，而且也包括他能力所限，言行不一和有其他缺点的一面。我知道那个人的思想和情感，我体验到那个人身上的某种本质的东西；我能透过对方在社交场合的表现和在社会上所担当的角色，看到他更内在的东西。
爱意味着我关心我所爱的人的幸福。只要我的关心是真诚的，我的关心对我所爱的人就不会是一种压制，也不会是一种占有性的依附。相反，我的关心使我们两人都获得解放。因此，对你为完善自己人格所做的一切，我决不设置障碍，即使你做的事情有时会让我不舒服。
爱意味着尊重我岁爱的人的人格尊严。如果我爱昵，我就会把你看成是一个独立的人，你有你自己的价值观，有你自己的思想和感情，我不会要你放弃你的特性，而为了我把自己塑造成我期望你成为的那种人。我就能够允许并鼓励你独立自主，保持你的特性，这样我就不会把你当作一件东西来对待，不会让你把主要精力放在来满足我自己的需要。
爱意味着对我所爱的人有一种责任感。如果我爱昵，我就对你作为人的大多数的主要需求有反应。这个责任不等于我替你做你自己能够做的事情，也不意味着我管理你的生活。但是它确实意味着我的为人和我的所作所为对你有影响，因此我直接与你的幸福和痛苦有关。一个爱别人的人确实可能会伤害或忽视所爱之人，从这个意义上说，爱包含着我要对我的生活方式对你的影响承担一定的责任。
爱意味着我自己和我所爱的人共同成长。如果我爱你，我也会因为爱昵而发展，你激励我成为更加充实的人，我对你的爱也提高你的素质。我们俩都因彼此相爱而成长，我们的这种关系使双方都感到更加充实，又丝毫不削弱我们自己的特性。
爱意味着对我所爱的人作出一种承诺。这种承诺并不需要我们相互放弃自身的特性，也不表示我们的这种关系一定是永久的关系。这种承诺既包含愿意在痛苦时刻，在犹豫时刻，在斗争时刻和绝望时刻相互支持，也包含共享平静和欢乐的时刻。
爱意味着信任我所爱的人。如果我爱你，我相信你会接受我的关系和爱恋，而不会故意伤害我。我相信你会发现我很可爱而不会[抛弃我；我相信我们之间的爱将惠及对方。如果我们相互信任，我们就愿意相互敞开我们的心扉，我们就能够去掉假面具，去掉伪装，显示我们的真面貌。
爱可以容忍不完美。在爱的关系中，必然有厌烦的时候，有我想放弃的时候，有十分紧张的时候，有我感到没有出路的时候。真正的爱并不意味着永远快乐。我之所以能够在困难时期和你在一起，是因为我记得我们过去共同度过的时光，是因为我能够想像，如果我们对问题予以足够的重视，并因此能够面对问题而且度过这个时期，我们将来在一起的时候会
是什么样子。
梅尔教士在他的著作中说，爱是一种改变生活的精神力量，我们同意他的观点。爱是一种创造性的生活方式，并使我们的生活方式得以改善。不过梅尔并不把爱看成完美社会的专利。“爱是专门赐予我们这个有问题，不完善的世界的。爱注定就是在痛苦的环境下发挥精神威力的。爱就是要使看起来无意义的生活变得有意义。”
换句话说，爱来到这个不完美的世界，使它可以适合人们居住。
爱是自由的行为，爱是自愿地付出，而不是在要求之下的施舍。同时，我对你的爱不取决于你是否满足我对你的期望。真正的爱并不意味着“你成为一个完美的人，或是你成为我期望你成为的那种人时我才爱你”。真爱的付出是不带条件的，爱的特性之一就是无条件。
爱是广阔的。如果我爱你，我就鼓励你向外发展，建立其他的人际关系。尽管我们之间的爱以及我们相互承担的责任不允许我们做某些事情，但我们并不是完全彻底地栓在一起。把一个人和另一个捆绑在一起，而不给他发展空间，这是一种虚假的爱。凯斯和温斯伯格把这个概念讲得很好。
我们相互承诺要鼓励对方充分的发展，这就真实地证明了我们之间的爱。我们是互相依存的，为了完成自己的使命，需要对方的存在。但我们又是不同的个体，我们必须各自面对自己的奋斗。
爱意味着我需要所爱的人，但不是缺了他就不行。如果我没有你我就不能生存，那我根本就不能无拘无束的去爱你。我爱你，你离开了，我有失落感，我难过，我感到孤独，但我还能支撑下去。如果我的价值和我的生存过于依赖于你，那我就没有审视我们之间关系的自由，我就没有反驳你的自由，我也没有与你当面进行争辩的自由。由于我怕失去你，我就只要降低要求，而这种委曲求全肯定会引起我的不满情绪。
爱就是要感到能够理解自己所爱的人。如果我爱你，我就能与你有同样的情感，我就通过你的眼睛去看世界。我能够理解你是因为我在你身上看到了我自己，而在我身上我也看到了你。这种亲密的关系并不是说要持续的“在一起”，因为距离和分别对于相爱来说有时是必要的。距离可以增强爱的联系，距离还有助于重新发现自己，这样我们就能够以新的方式面对对方。
爱中充满了自我，只有我能真正地爱自己，珍惜自己，欣赏自己，尊重自己，我才能爱你。如果我空虚，那么我能给你的只有空虚，如果我感到自己是完整的、有价值的热闹，那么我就能够让你分享我的充实。给于你我对你的爱，最好的一个方式就是和你一起充分享受我的一切。
爱还包含能够看到我所爱的人的潜力。我爱那个人，我一方面承认他的现状，另一方面我现在就视他为他将来能够成为的那种人。歌德有一句与此相关的评论：我们如果按照人们的现状来对待他们，他们职能使他们越来越差，要是按照他们应该达到的目标开对待和要求他们，我们就会促使他们变得更好。
我们把弗罗姆在《爱的艺术》里阐述的一个观点介绍给大家，以此来结束我们对真爱含义的论述。他对成熟的爱的归纳极好地总结了真爱的基本特征：
成熟的爱是两个人的结合，但又不失各自的完整和特性。爱中有这种矛盾现象：合二为一，却又一分为二。