The Black Widow
Season 2, Episode 1
Written by David E. Kelley
? David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved
Broadcast: September 27, 2005
Transcribed by Imamess; Thanks to Janette and Tara43 of JSMP for their input.
The scene opens with Alan Shore and Denny Crane, wearing sunglasses, walking downtown. Alan is carrying a briefcase.
Alan Shore: Denny? He stops and looks at Denny. We look good. Right?
Denny Crane: We look great.
They continue walking. A woman walks toward them; she is carrying two paper bags full of groceries. She pauses, seeming to expect Alan and Denny to part and allow her to pass. They don’t. She steps aside and they walk on. Another woman joins her and they stand and gaze perplexed at Alan and Denny. Garrett Wells and Sarah Holt are walking in the hall at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Sarah Holt: Did she say what kind of case?
Garrett Wells: Wrongful termination. The employer was trying to enforce his religion or something. The plaintiff quit and sued.
Sarah Holt: And it’s going to trial?
They walk on and we see Bernard Ferrion and Catherine Piper coming down a stairway.
Bernard Ferrion: You have to get me in to meet her. You simply must!
Catherine Piper: How did you even know she was here?
Bernard Ferrion: Don’t be ridiculous. There’s a website that tracks her. As sure as I am little. If I could just get a peek. A little whiff.
The camera turns to Alan and Denny, still wearing glasses, marching into the hall. Bernard and Catherine watch speechless. Alan sees Bernard.
Alan Shore: Why are you here Bernard?
Bernard Ferrion: Well, never mind me. The Black Widow is here. She’s in your office as sure as I am little. Denny Crane: The women who murdered her husband?
Bernard Ferrion: Don’t make it sound so ordinary. It was the way she did it. They were concubining.
Catherine Piper: She’s in there with Brad. Evidently she fired her last lawyer, and for whatever reason she wants you!
Alan, Bernard and Catherine walk off. Shirley Schmidt walks up to Denny.
Shirley Schmidt: Denny! The conference call with Jack Myers has begun…
Denny Crane: You take it. The Black Widow is here.
Shirley Schmidt: I can’t take it, I’m in a meeting. Which means that you have to take it, and since this man pays us over two million dollars a year…
Denny Crane: Not everything is about money, Shirley. Sometime sex counts to. It used to count with you. One minute you couldn’t get enough of me, and the next you lose interest. What happened, Shirley? I need to know. Shirley Schmidt: They invented color television.
Denny Crane: You and me. In my office. Give me two minutes.
Shirley Schmidt: If you could last three, I might consider it. In the meantime, Jack Meyers…
Denny Crane: Not now! The Black Widow gets me first.
They both go their separate ways. Denise Bauer and Walter Edmunds walk down the hallway.
Denis Bauer: I’m not saying that we can’t win Walter, I’m saying it’s not likely and that we should settle.
Walter Edmunds: It’s my company Denise and I’m tired of apologizing for my faith.
Denis Bauer: You can’t have the Bible be assigned reading in the workplace.
Alan, Kelley Nolan, Brad Chase in an office at Crane, Poole and Schmidt. Denny comes in.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane! You’ve come to the right firm. I can tell you that… My God, you’re even more striking in person.
Kelly Nolan: Who is this man, and why is his face about to explode?
Alan Shore: Kelly Nolan. This is Denny Crane. Success has caused his head to swell.
Denny Crane: It’d an honor to defend your honor. He takes Kelly’s hand and attempts to kiss it. She pulls it away. Has anyone ever told you how incredibly beautiful you are?
Kelly Nolan: Never. Could you excuse us please?
Los Angeles
Season 2, Episode 27
Written by David E. Kelley
2006 David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved.
Broadcast: May 16, 2006
Transcribed by Imamess of JSMP for https://www.doczj.com/doc/c717852623.html, [version updated May 22, 2006]
Alan and Denny escort Courtney Reese through a throng of media-paparazzi, screaming, yelling. As they pass a camera crew…
Reporter: Repeating what we know, Ms Reese has just been arraigned on attempted murder charges, the…
As they pass another camera crew…
Reporter: …bail was set at one million, two hundred thousand...
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Barry Goal: Barry Goal.
As they pass a third camera crew…
Reporter: …the star of the popular reality show, The Phoenix, entered a plea of not guilty…
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Barry Goal: Barry Goal.
Reporter: …both sides agreeing to an immediate trial date…
Reporter:On a television monitor. Why Ms Reese was carrying a gun, we don’t know.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Los Angeles. Courtney Reese, Denny Craen, Barry Goal and Alan Shore are in an office.
Courtney Reese: I thought he was gonna kill me.
Alan Shore: Did you recognize him?
Courtney Reese: Not then. Now I know he’s a photographer for one of those celebrity stalker websites. Barry Goal: Fan-based websites. They track certain stars.
Courtney Reese: Yeah. It’s called Get Courtney dot com. She looks at Denny who is staring at her chest. There is a lot of cleavage to see.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Barry Goal: Barry Goal.
Alan Shore: I’m sorry. You’ll have to forgive Denny. His eyes are bigger than his shame. And frankly, I don’t know what to make of Barry. So? You said these websites actually track celebrities?
Courtney Reese: They hunt us down. Anybody who spots me on the street just text messages my location into the website. Some of them even get paid for a good tip. Now anybody… Here. She turns the screen of a laptop computer towards Alan. Anybody can track my every move every minute of the day. She clicks some key on the keyboard.
Denny Crane:He looks over the lid of the computer at the computer, her chest. She gives him a look. Terrible.
Courtney Reese:She sighs. Alan rolls his eyes. Look at this. On the computer screen is street map with a picture of her in a square bubble with an arrow pointing toward a large red cross signifying the location of the Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Denny Crane: Oh. There’s our building. And it says you’re here!
Barry Goal: And you’re here!
Courtney Reese: One of your assistants probably just made a hundred bucks for this tip. And the problem is it’s not just fans who know where I am, it’s stalkers. Mentally ill people! I mean, I’ve had guys show up straight from the psych ward to my door saying I’m their ex-wife and they’re gonna kill me for jilting them. Alan Shore: And you thought this man was coming to kill you?
Courtney Reese: Yeah! I thought he… She looks to Denny and catches him still staring at her chest. Mr Crane? I need you to stop staring at me like that.
Denny Crane: Of course. Marry me.
Courtney Reese: I beg your pardon?
Denny Crane: Your fifteen minutes are almost up. Mine has lasted a lifetime. To Barry. Tell her.
Barry Goal: Marry him.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Denise walks through the lobby, looking at a file as a couple in their late twenties, Lara and Joel Kohn, speak to the receptionist. Lara’s holding a brief with some business paper in it.
Lara Kohn:To the receptionist. … Lara and Joel Kohn to see Marlene Stanger, ten-thirty. Receptionist: I think she stepped out of the building for a few minutes. Let me try her cell.
Denise Bauer:She hears this and takes pause. She interrupts before the receptionist can call. To Lara and Joe. Are you here for Marlene Stanger?
Joel Kohn: She was recommended to us.
Lara Kohn: We made an appointment, but she doesn’t appear to be here.
Denise Bauer:She makes a decision. That doesn’t sound like Marlene. All charm. I’m Denise Bauer. I work very closely with Marlene and I know that she is swamped. Uhm, why don’t you come into my office and we can tall. She leads the couple down the corridor.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Los Angeles. In the conference rooms clips of new reports are shown on a large screen.
Female TV Reporter: Both sides have apparently agreed to fast track this. The only issue being, “Did Ms Reese fear for her life? And if so, was that fear reasonable?”
Male TV Reporter: Some speculation that Ms Reese was simply fed up with the paparazzi and this last encounter was the final straw.
Different Female Reporter: So far we have no indication of where Ms Reese got the gun.
Watching this are Barry, Denny, Alan, Courtney, Candy Springtime and several other associates. Candy Sprintime: The good news Courtney, you’re already beautiful, so we don’t have to Marsha Clark you. The bad new is, you’re beautiful and you shot a man. The only person I can see getting away with that is Prince Di, who was herself killed by the paparazzi. So! By evoking her image we get a twofer. She chooses a suit from a clothes rack bearing two dozen different outfits. I suggest this for your first day of trial.
Courtney Reese: A turtle neck? In LA? In the spring? Are you trying to kill me?
Candy Springtime: We can mix and match. But it’s critical you feel comfortable in your wardrobe. The jury can sense comfort level.
Courtney Reese: It’s my clothes or none at all.
Denny Crane and Barry Goal:In unison. None.
Candy Springtime: Courtney. She sighs.
Alan Shore: Typically we would want the jury to relate to you.
Courtney Reese: Typically no juror would have been carrying a gun into a restaurant. So perhaps the argument should be they couldn’t possibly relate to me.
Denny Crane: We’ll get back to wardrobe. Let’s talk victim.
Barry Goal: Our investigators are checking into the photographer. His friends, family, skeletons, the usual. What is important is that in the press he looks like someone who would attack Courtney in an alley. Courtney Reese: He did attack me in an alley.
Denny Crane: Legals?
Alan Shore: In order to prove self-defense we need to show that in these circumstances you reasonably felt your live was in danger. The only person who can convey that is you, so you’ll need to testify.
Denny Crane: I’ll be right by your side.
Barry Goal: So will I.
Alan Shore: Neither of them will be. You’ll be sitting up there all alone, undoubtedly subjected to unrelenting cross-examination.
Courtney Reese: I’m a big girl.
Denny Crane: Excellent. Just for fun, say it try it this way, “I’m a bad girl.” I’d want to hear how it plays. Courtney Reese : I’m a bad girl.
Denny Crane: Very bad girl.
Alan Shore: Denny.
In A.D.A. Holly Raines’s office. Brad Chase is with her.
A.D.A. Holly Raines: I cannot believe you, of all people, are here asking for a favor.
Brad Chase: It’s not so much a favor. It’s…
A.D.A. Holly Raines: Buzz Light Year himself!
Brad Chase: Who calls me that?
A.D.A. Holly Raines: Not me. I look at you and see a woody.
Brad Chase: She has no prison record.
A.D.A. Holly Raines: A boy is dead.
Brad Chase: Which is why we’re willing to plea. Three months is the right result. Whatever our differences. This is…
A.D.A. Holly Raines: Whoa, whoa. What differences? Are you referring to the time I interviewed with you for a position at Crane, Poole and Schmidt all the while you surfed the net to cheap ski tickets at Whistler? Do you think that that would cause a rift between us? As if I’d even remember.
Brad Chase: I need your help. This is my niece, and you know this is the right result. Please.
A.D.A. Holly Raines:She thinks for a moment. On your knees. And ‘Pretty please.’
Brad Chase: What?
A.D.A. Holly Raines: Down on your knees. Do it. And, and button it with, ‘Beautiful goddess.’
Brad Chase: You’re not serious.
A.D.A. Holly Raines: I’m very serious.
Brad Chase:He gets down on one knee. Pretty please. She perks her ears for more. Beautiful goddess.
Outside a cottage terrace at night. Denny sits with a cigar and scotch. He is wearing a mask over his nose and mouth. Through a hole in the mask he takes a puff from the cigar. Alan joins him, cigar in hand.
Denny Crane: LA smog. Not good.
Alan Shore: Ah. He sits down. Denny, I consider myself a delightfully lascivious person and I often appreciate that quality in others but I need you tone it down a little with Courtney.
Denny Crane: She is the sexiest woman on earth. Unless of course you go for preggos, in which case, it’s Angelina.
Alan Shore: This is a serious case, Denny. She’s up on attempted murder charges.
Denny Crane: It’s a character builder. She’ll be fine. I’m going to marry her, Alan.
Alan Shore: Courtney Reese?
Denny Crane: She’s got Denny Crane written all over her. And I’ll tell you this, when the times comes, she’ll pull my plug. Happily.
Alan Shore: Not to burst your bubble, as unburstable as it appears to be, but I get the feeling Courtney’s interests lie elsewhere.
Denny Crane: What do you mean?
Alan Shore: I’m picking up on signals.
Denny Crane: Well pick up on this, stay away from my sixth wife. Courtney Crane. I love it.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston Paul Lewiston, Shirley Schmidt and Denise are all smiles. Paul Lewiston: Fish! Who knew?
Shirley Schmidt: I’m proud of you, Kiddo.
Denise Bauer: Thank you.
Marlene Stanger:She comes in. Everybody’s smiling. Happy news?
Shirley Schmidt: Denise just landed, dare I say it, a big whale.
Denise Bauer: Sitter Delacy Foods, they distribute up and down the east coast.
Marlene Stanger: The Kohn family. Right?
Denise Bauer: Right.
Marlene Stanger: Huh.
A circus. Denny and Alan escort Courtney through a throng of media. It’s wild. At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston Shirley, Paul and Denise are watching this on television moniter.
TV Reporter: The prosecution of Courtney Reese for attempted murder began today…
Shirley Schmidt: Unbelievable.
Brad Chase:He comes in. Wherever they go, they get the good stuff.
Shirley Schmidt: Unbelievable.
Brad Chase: This isn’t fair.
In Judge Harvey Hasson’s courtroom all parties are present. Judge Harvey Hasson is on the bench. A.D.A. Joe Isaacs is questioning photographer Dan Rice.
Dan Rice: So, I figured she might come out the side-alley; she often does, so I kind of staked out a position.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: And at some point, the defendant did come out?
Dan Rice: Yes.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: And what did you do?
Dan Rice: I approached to take a picture.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Did you say anything?
Dan Rice: No.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Did she say anything?
Dan Rice: Yeah, I think she yelled, “Back off.”
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: And then what happened?
Dan Rice: I went to take a picture… and she shot me.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Did she warn you, did she indicate that she had a gun?
Dan Rice: No. She just opened fire.
Alan is up.
Alan Shore: It sounds like a terrifying encounter. Were you frightened Mr Rice?
Dan Rice: Of course I was.
Alan Shore: I can imagine. By the way, can you imagine that Ms Reese might have been terrified when you charged at her in the alley?
Dan Rice: I think Ms Reese is familiar with photographers trying to get her picture.
Alan Shore: You jumped out from behind a dumpster. Did you not?
Denny puts a comforting hand on Courtney’s knee.
Dan Rice: Yes.
Alan Shore: Was the alley way lit?
Dan Rice: It was not lit.
Barry Goal puts a comforting hand on Courtney’s other knee.
Alan Shore: Mr Rice, you’re a freelance photographer, are you not? You submit your work to many different magazines and newspapers?
Dan Rice: Yeah.
Courtney takes Denny’s and Barry’s hand and brings them together. Denny fingers Barry’s hand, Barry caresses Denny’s hand.
Alan Shore: And all these publications prefer candid shots. A scared expression is worth more than say, a picture where a celebrity is smiling or posing. Which is why you leapt out from behind the dumpster, to startle her?
Dan Rice: Yeah. I was trying to get candid shot of her, yes, but, again, they’re used to that.
Again, Denny fingers the hand he is holding.
Alan Shore: By ‘they’ I imagine you mean celebrities and other people who, at your discretion alone, have forfeited their right to privacy?
Denny is puzzled. He looks down at the hand he is holding. Both he and Barry pull their hand away.
Dan Rice: They sign up for it when they chose to be famous.
Alan Shore: Did they sign up for having their car run of the road? Because you’ve done that with other celebrities. Haven’t you?
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Objection. The victim is not on trial here.
Alan Shore: The victim is very much on trial. He has three assault arrests.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Objection!
Alan Shore: ..has broken into houses…
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Objection!
Alan Shore: …spit at celebrities to provoke…
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Objection!
Judge Harvey Hasson: The objections are sustained. This man’s prior actions are not relevant.
Alan Shore: But my client’s state of mind is. And many of the paparazzi, Mr Rice included, are criminals. Some very dangerous. Apparently Filipino street gangs have even gotten into the act. Why?
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Objection.
Alan Shore: Because ultimately this is about vast amounts of money.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Objection.
Judge Harvey Hasson: Sustained.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Brad is in his office. His sister marches in.
Beth Guttman: I fired you! And I was expressly clear about that!
Brad Chase: That you are insane?
Beth Guttman: My daughter.
Brad Chase: Who contributed to the death...
Beth Guttman: No!
Brad Chase: Yes!
Beth Guttman: How dare you go behind my back?
Brad Chase: It’s Hannah’s call, not your’s.
Beth Guttman: She’s sixteen year’s old!
Brad Chase: Exactly! She’s got her whole life ahead of her. Now, three months is a good deal. She can serve it over the summer and be back in time for school.
Beth Guttman: As a convicted murderer?
Brad Chase: Man slaughter.
Beth Guttman: Oh my God.
Brad Chase: This is not about safeguarding your college transcript. This is the best deal that we could ever hope for. Now I got the DA to go along with us, so for once in your life, just once, trust me.
Beth Guttman: Oh, is that what this is all about? Getting me to finally trust you? Proving yourself to your big sister?
Brad Chase: At the risk of jeopardizing our relationship any further, you got a friggin problem!
Beth Guttman: Oh.
Brad Chase: For the past sixteen year your self-esteem has been inextricably bound up with this idea of having a perfect daughter. Well, she’s not perfect. Her resume, college transcript, and yes, even her record, they’re all gonna be blemished. But this does not have to destroy her life! If she takes this to trial she could go to jail for a year. Maybe two. You can’t just wave your magic wand and make this go away. At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston. Paul is in his office. Marlene is with him.
Marlene Stanger: Mario inadvertently found it in the trash. She shows him her hand held computer. Paul Lewiston: Mario?
Marlene Stanger: Our night janitor. Really lovely gentleman. Helpful. I was so grateful when he found, because I thought I had misplaced it. When I saw this. She shows him the screen, there is a video of Denise pushing the computer into trash and sticking her tongue out at it. I was taking videos of my co-workers to send to my family, I left it in the kitchen. I guess I accidentally left it on recording mode, and well, this happened.
Paul Lewiston: Oh my.
Marlene Stanger: Maybe Denise thought she was playing a practical joke. But, I just don’t think it’s all that funny. I mean, is that how the lawyers treat each other here?
Paul Lewiston: Certainly not.
Marlene Stanger: I didn’t think so. But somebody should tell Denise. Because she is full of little pranks. Paul Lewiston: Other pranks?
Marlene Stanger: Again, I’m really so uncomfortable with this. But I went out to greet my clients, the Kohns, in the lobby the other day, referrals from my old firm. I was late I admit, as they were scheduled on my personal calendar. But since it was in the trash… Anyway I went out to get them and they were gone. It turns out Denise took them. She wipes a tear from her eye.
Paul Lewiston: Denise?
Marlene nods.
In Judge Simon Devon’s courtroom.
Judge Simon Devon You understand, Ms Guttman, that by pleading guilty to involuntary manslaughter you stand convicted of a felony?
Hannah Guttman: Yes, sir.
Judge Simon Devon: Very well. Ms Raines? The District Attorney’s office joins the recommendation of the defense for three months at Guttenburg?
A.D.A. Holly Raines: We do, Your Honor. This is a very serious matter involving the loss of a human life, but we are impressed by the defendant’s remorse. We’re also mindful that she has no previous criminal record and we’re satisfied that three months constitutes a just punishment.
Judge Simon Devon: Yeah. You might be satisfied, but I’m not. You see, I have to be cognizant not only of the death of Ryan Cline, but also of the pandemic of pharming drug parties going on in every town all over this country causing the loss of many lives. Three months is an insult to those lives.
Brad Chase: Your Honor, this…
Judge Simon Devon: I’m talking, Counsel. Court rejects this, and will not entertain any plea which causes Ms Guttman to serve less than three years.
Brad Chase: What?
Hannah Guttman: Brad?
Brad Chase: I ask that Your Honor be recused.
Judge Simon Devon: Denied. You wanna go to trial? Fine. But you’ve got me. Which means that I can impose sentence now, or later.
In Judge Harvey Hasson’s Courtroom, Alan is questioning Courtney.
Courtney Reese: I’ve received seventeen death threats. The latest coming two weeks ago.
Alan Shore: You received a death threat just two weeks ago?
Courtney Reese: Yes. I also get thousands of letters from prison inmates pledging their love and planning to seek me out upon release. And I get many impropriate prurient letters from people in the outside as well sometimes, doctors, lawyers. I’ve received three in the last day from one of my own lawyers.
Denny waves this aside.
Alan Shore: You’re clearly the objection of a lot of adoration and obsession.
Courtney Reese: Which comes with celebrity and fame, I realize. But this kind of fame… And , add to that the internet.
Alan Shore: What does the internet have to do with this?
Courtney Reese: With these celebrity stalker sites, everybody can become a member of the paparazzi. And they’ve all got camera’s and email access with their cell phones. I go to the coffee shop for a latte it’s instantly posted. It’s become simple to track my whereabouts. Obsessive people know how to find me. Which is why I got a permit and now carry a gun.
Alan Shore: Which you were carrying with you the other night?
Courtney Reese: Yes. As I left the restaurant a man charged me in a dark alleyway. I called for him to stop, he didn’t, I saw a black metal in his hand, he raised it. I thought he was carrying a gun. I reacted and shot first.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: A lot of people track you, follow you, wanna see you in person. That’s the impression I’m getting. True?
Courtney Reese: Yes.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Most of these people I’m guessing would be innocent fans wanting to get close to you? Also true?
Courtney Reese: Or aggressive photographers.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Yes. In fact the other night when you arrived at the restaurant you were met by a slew of paparazzi. Weren’t you?
Courtney Reese: Yes.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Also in fact, you had an altercation on your way into the restaurant that night didn’t you?
Courtney Reese: Yes, I did.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: You’d had enough, hadn’t you?
Alan Shore: Objection.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: This wasn’t self-defense…
Alan Shore: Your Honor…
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: ... you were pissed off.
Alan Shore: …I made an objection.
Judge Harvey Hasson: Sustained
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: In particular you had a vendetta against this man!
Alan Shore: Objection. He just sustained the objection.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Ms Reese. You’ve encountered Mr Rice before, haven’t you?
Courtney Reese: I didn’t recognize him at the time that I shot him.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Did you see him going into the restaurant?
Courtney Reese: I did. But I didn’t know it was him charging me in the alley.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: You once got a restraining order against this man.
Courtney Reese: I didn’t know it was him when I fired.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: I see. You just got lucky?
Alan Shore: Objection.
Judge Harvey Hasson: Sustained.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: Nothing further.
Isaacs returns and sits.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Los Angeles. Alan, Denny and Courtney are walking into the conference room.
Alan Shore: Courtney, you should have told me that you knew him.
Courtney Reese: I don’t really know him. There’s a handful of paparazzi who resort to terrorist tactics. Alan Shore: And you knew him to be of them?
Courtney Reese: I didn’t recognize him in the alley.
Alan Shore: But you did recognize him on your way into the restaurant? So you knew he was there, you’d had previous run-ins with him. This could be construed that you targeted him.
Courtney Reese: I didn’t.
Denny Crane: I believe you. Marry me?
Courtney Reese: Does he have a mental problem?
Alan Shore: Yes. Are there any more surprises?
Courtney Reese: Such as?
Denny Crane: Like, are you really a man? I could live with that.
Alan Shore: Denny! Go lust someplace else! How many run-ins have you had with this particular photographer?
Courtney Reese: Several. Along with half a dozen other photographers! But I didn’t know it was him when I fired.
Alan Shore: Right. I sincerely hope the jury believes that. Otherwise, famous or not, you’re going to prison. In the courthouse, Brad and A.D.A. Holly Raines are walking down the hallway.
A.D.A. Holly Raines: There’s nothing I can do. It’s his call, you know that.
Brad Chase: Why did he do this?
A.D.A. Holly Raines: I don’t know.
Brad Chase: Did you tell him to?
A.D.A. Holly Raines: Of course not!
Brad Chase: Spoke about my Whistler trip.
A.D.A. Holly Raines: Brad!
Brad Chase: What happened?
A.D.A. Holly Raines: I called one of his former clerks. Evidently Judge Devon lost a teenage daughter to a drug overdose. Maybe that’s in play, I don’t know. But he’s a good judge. He’s a fair one; this seems way out of character. They both look down the hallway at Beth comforting Hannah. Also, for what it’s worth, the clerk gave me some additional back-story. He had a little thing, years ago, with one of your partners.
Brad Chase: Who?
A.D.A. Holly Raines: Shirley Schmidt.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Denise is in her office, Paul places a laptop computer in front her. The video of her throwing Marlene’s handheld computer in the trash and sticking her tongue out at it is playing on the screen.
Paul Lewiston: Marlene says that you conveniently threw away her electronic planner the night before some of her more critical appointment. Including the one with the Kohns.
Denise Bauer: First of all, I didn’t poach her clients. I did her a favor. And second of all I didn’t toss her precious little device so she’d miss her appointments. I did it out of spite. As simple as that.
Paul Lewiston: I have to say, Denise, that personally I am very disappointed.
Denise Bauer: Paul, you know me.
Paul Lewiston: Why else would I be disappointed? With the partnership vote this close? It amazes me that you would do something so stupid to jeopardize it.
Denise Bauer: Are you saying that b…?
Paul Lewiston: What I’m saying is that as of this moment, your chances of making partner… have diminished.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Shirley and Brad are walking down the corridor.
Shirley Schmidt: It’s within the sentencing guidelines. It’s not as if you can argue abuse of discretion.
Brad Chase: Judges always allow joint recommendation.
Shirley Schmidt: But they’re not bound by them, Brad. You know that.
Brad Chase: She’s sixteen years old.
Shirley Schmidt: Your only hope is to somehow get him recused. But, honestly, I wouldn’t know how.
Brad Chase: I’ve been told that you had a relationship with this judge.
Shirley Schmidt: Ah.
Brad Chase: Shirley, I would never try to exploit this.
Shirley Schmidt: Sure you would. That’s why you’re here.
Brad Chase: I don’t know what else to do. I won’t get it overturned on appeal. I don’t know what else to do. In Judge Harvey Hasson’s courtroom, all parties are present. A.D.A. Joe Isaacs is giving his closing.
A.D.A. Joe Isaacs: She knew the paparazzi were there. She had an altercation on the way in. She had to know it was possible that the man in the alley was a photographer. They ambush her all the time. What the hell? She opened fire anyway; figure in the darkness, BOOM! Shoot first, ask questions later. I guess. The truth is celebrities like Courtney Reese get away with things all the time. Ticket to the Roll Stones concert. A table at a crowded restaurant with no reservation. This is her life. All day. Every day. She gets away with things. And so when a photographer tries to take her picture, and she doesn’t like it, and she happens to have a particular grudge against this man she thinks she can get away with shooting him. Because fame is power. It is privilege. It is a sense of entitlement. Now, I’m sure none of you wanna live in a world where there’s one set of laws for the famous people and another set for the rest of us. The facts in this case do not say that Courtney Reese is an actress or a model or a world famous celebrity. The facts in this case say that she’s a criminal who tried to murder somebody.
Alan Shore: A neuro-biologist at Duke University conducted an experiment where he gave a group of thirsty monkeys a choice of either having their favorite drink, which was some sort of cherry juice concoction, or of having the opportunity to look at pictures of the dominant, ‘celebrity’ monkey in their pack. Despite their thirst and the allure of the cherry juice, they chose to look at the pictures. Apparently monkeys have a part of their brain that specifically responds to the thrill of celebrity. As do we. Think about that for a moment. A part of our intricate, fantastic and powerful mental machinery specifically responds to Courtney Reese and others who have achieved her level or notoriety. We have hundreds of magazines and websites to follow and track them, stalk them, not to mention cultivate a public obsession for them. It is totally and utterly out of control. Her fear of being followed, or assaulted or even murdered is not an irrational one. She receives threats on her life, obsessive declarations of love, psychotic musings about imagined relations or phantom encounters, and because of celebrity stalker websites her movements and whereabouts can be tracked to the second! That’s the world she lives in! So, what happened that night? A man came towards her in the dark, quickly. She told him to stop; he didn’t, fearing for her life, she acted to protect herself. She didn’t shot to kill. She wounded him in the shoulder, to stop his charge. She was afraid. Was her fear reasonable?
Some years ago, a young actress named Rebecca Shafer was shot and killed by a fan in front of her apartment building. Monica Seles was stabbed in the back, on a tennis court during a match. Gianni Versace was gunned down as he stepped down from his home in Miami. George Harrison was stabbed in his home in the country; John Lennon was shot four times in the back by a devoted fan as he was coming home in evening with his wife. Courtney Reese carried a gun with her because of all that had come before, and she didn’t want to be next. That is reasonable.
Judge Simon Devon is in his chambers. Shirley comes in.
Shirley Schmidt: Simon.
Judge Simon Devon: Ex parte, Shirley. You, of all people, should know better.
Shirley Schmidt: Yes. Let’s file this meeting under that category then. “Things we should know better.”Judge Simon Devon: A boy died.
Shirley Schmidt: So did a girl, twelve years ago. Is that in play?
Judge Simon Devon: You’re out of line.
Shirley Schmidt: A wise man once said to me, over a martini I believe, you can take all the facts of a case, figure in all the lawyers, extenuating circumstances, and still, people forget in the end it all really comes down to the judge. You said it with such a charming twinkle.
Judge Simon Devon: I was trying to get laid.
Shirley Schmidt: And boy did you. A case in my office has fallen into the hands of the wrong judge. This ruling can’t bring your daughter back, Simon.
Judge Simon Devon: But perhaps it can stop others from dying.
Shirley Schmidt: Do you really believe that?
Judge Simon Devon: What I believe is none of your damn business.
Shirley Schmidt: I came in to play nicely.
Judge Simon Devon: You’re wasting your time, Shirley.
Shirley Schmidt: Actually, Simon, I’m not. I’m prepared to audit your sentencing on drug cases to see if there’s a pattern. I’m prepared to make it very public should there be a pattern. I’m also willing to expose other patterns of a happily, perhaps unhappily married judge.
Judge Simon Devon: Screw you.
Shirley Schmidt: You did that already. Now you’re doing it to a sixteen-year-old girl. I will not allow for it, Simon. I will bring down upon you the wrath of my entire firm for which you will be no match. No offense. At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Brad is in the library. Denise comes up to him.
Denise Bauer: That Squid. I need you to talk to Paul.
Brad Chase: Me?
Denise Bauer: Yeah! He respects you!
Brad Chase: I’m not entirely sure that would be appropriate.
Denise Bauer: Why? Because we’re sleeping together?
Brad Chase: No. Because it’s direct violation of firm policy. I’m a partner, you’re an associate. It just wouldn’t look good.
Denise Bauer: Brad! This has nothing to do with our sex life. It has to do with your knowing I am an excellent lawyer, and I deserve to make a partner. It’s as simple as that.
Brad Chase: You do deserve this.
Denise Bauer: Uh hm.
Brad Chase: I’ll talk to him.
Denise Bauer: Thank you.
Brad leaves. Denise gazes after him. She hears steps. She looks back and is startled to see Marlene coming from behind a shelf. Marlene smugly shakes her head. Denise dashes off. Marlene follows. She takes a flying leap at Denise and lands flat on the floor. She gets up and starts running again. Denise rounds a corner and sees Paul and Shirley further down the corridor. Denise takes moment to open the top drawer of a filing cabinet and continues running towards Paul and Shirley. Marlene rounds the corner running face-first into the cabinet drawer. She lands flat on her back. Denise continues running after Paul and Shirley who have just rounded a corner. Marlene gets up holding her hand to her forehead and starts running again. Denise keeps running. Marlene follows. Denise rounds a corner and catches up to Paul and Shirley.
Denise Bauer: Paul! Shirely! She continues breathlessly as Marlene comes running up and stops behind her. Listen, if word of this gets twisted by the wrong person, I just want you to know I am having sex with Brad. And while I did ask him to speak to you on my behalf regarding partnership, that has nothing to do with us having sex, and everything to do with the fact that I am an excellent attorney! It that clear?
Shirley Schmidt:To both Denise and Marlene. My office. Now.
In Los Angeles, in the courthouse witness room, Alan and Courtney are waiting.
Courtney Reese: So we just wait?
Alan Shore: The Judge said, “Don’t leave.” That means the jury is probably close.
Courtney Reese: And if we lose? How much time will I have to serve?
Alan Shore: There’s no telling. A normal person would serve three, maybe four, years. But you’re a figment; I’m not sure what the sentence is for those. How odd it must feel to be the object of so many strangers’ dreams and wantings. I have little doubt you’re able to trade significantly on that.
Courtney Reese: But?
Alan Shore: It has no currency with me.
Courtney Reese: Hm. Well, lucky for me, you’re more convincing in the courtroom.
Alan Shore: Ha, ha! You don’t believe me?
Courtney Reese: No. I do not.
Alan Shore: All you ever really have to do is snap your fingers. Right?
Courtney Reese: Oh, has it come to that? You actually gonna make me snap?
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Marlene, Denise, Shirley and Paul are in Shirley’s office. Shirley Schmidt: As of five minutes ago, all this nonsense has stopped. The intrigue, the spying, the tattling, the games… Marlene, don’t turn your head away when I’m speaking of you.
Marlene Stanger: Sorry, Shirley.
Shirley Schmidt: Ever since you arrived at this firm there has been a current of spite. That will stop as well, if it doesn’t consider it grounds for dismal. Marlene leave. Denise starts to get up. Denise stay. Marlene leaves. Denise, you will not be making partner.
Denise Bauer: What?
Shirley Schmidt: Regardless of all your other antics, the fact that you have slept with Brad exposes this entire firm to sexual harassment lawsuits.
Denise Bauer: That’s absurd. There are people sleeping with each other all over this law firm. Alan Shore mated two women and had them trying to murder each other in the lobby.
Shirley Schmidt: You’re comparing yourself to Alan Shore now? How low are you going here?
Denise Bauer: Shirley, don’t you see? She is ruining our family!
Paul Lewiston: This isn’t a family. It’s a law firm.
Denise Bauer: So Marlene’s getting my spot?
Paul Lewiston: What spot?
Shirley Schmidt: Denise, when Marlene was hired here she brought in several major clients. It was always our intention to make her partner. Why did you think you were competing with her?
Denise Bauer: So that’s it then?
Shirley Schmidt: I’m afraid so.
Dejected, and struggling to stay composed, Denise walks down the corridor to her office. She walks in and is startled to see Daniel Post waiting for her.
Daniel Post: Hey, Guido.
In Judge Harvey Hasson’s courtroom, all parties are present, Judge Harvey Hasson looks to the jury foreperson.
Judge Harvey Hasson: Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict?
Foreperson: We have, Your Honor.
Denny Crane:He takes Courtney’s hand. Be strong.
Courtney Reese : I’ll try.
Denny Crane: This is L.A. It’s always ‘not guilty.’
Foreperson: We the jury find the defendant, Courtney Reese … not guilty.
Courtney turns to Barry and smiles. He grabs her and plants a kiss on her. Denny grabs her, throws her over his hip and plants a big one on her.
Judge Harvey Hasson: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this court would like to thank you for your services, you are dismissed. This court is adjourned.
Alan Shore:He looks to Denny who is still at it. Alan taps Denny on the shoulder. Denny.
In the courthouse Denny, Barry, Alan and Courtney forge through a media frenzy, it’s a carnival. Alan Shore: Let’s just keep moving.
Denny Crane: What about my statement?
Barry Goal: I’ll make the statement.
Denny Crane: My firm.
Barry Goal: My coast.
Alan Shore: You can both make a statements. We’ll wait for you in the witness room.
Barry Goal: Barry Goal.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Barry Goal: Barry Goal.
In the witness room.
Courtney Reese: Thank you.
Alan Shore: My pleasure.
Courtney Reese: So what happens now? She steps close to Alan and straightens and strokes his tie. You just hop on plane, fly back to Boston?
Alan Shore: Immediately.
Courtney Reese:It’s a stare-off. Is it really so awful to admit that you’re attracted to me?
Alan Shore: No.
Courtney Reese: But?
Alan Shore: Denny and I have a little arrangement. He picked you first.
Courtney Reese: I see. So? If he happened to pick the love of your life first, you would just go with it?
Alan Shore:He strokes her hair. You’re not the love of my life.
Courtney Reese: So far. He shakes his head. She waits. And waits. We’re not gonna kiss, are we? Alan Shore: Denny’s girl.
Courtney Reese: In his mind!
Alan Shore: Where it counts.
Another stare-off.
Courtney Reese: Cheek?
Alan Shore: I’ll give you a cheek.
She kisses him on the cheek.
Courtney Reese: So if I ever shoot anybody else?
Alan Shore: You have my number.
In a restaurant Daniel and Denise are sitting across from each other having a drink.
Denise Bauer: So you’re not dead?
Daniel Post:He knocks on wood. Not yet.
Denise Bauer: I mean, you went away and I didn’t hear anything. Switzerland. Are you dying? Are you better?
Daniel Post: Well, they are very very good. But it was awful. You wouldn’t have liked to have seen me. I was at least seven percent less cute. He takes a small package out his pocket and places it in front
of her. Chocolate!
Denise Bauer: She twirls the package. Hm, this nonsense, I don’t know what I was thinking. Marlene and Partnerships. Office politics. Not of it matters.
Daniel Post: Yeah. Whatever.
Denise Bauer: Hm.
Daniel Post: Listen, uh… You wanna marry me?
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Brad is walking down the corridor looking for someone. Shirley comes around a corner.
Brad Chase: Shirley? The Judge reconsidered. He gave us the three months.
Shirley Schmidt: I’m glad to hear that.
Brad Chase: Thank you. What’d you do?
Shirley Schmidt: I traded on an old friendship per your suggestion.
Brad Chase: I don’t know what to say.
Shirley Schmidt: You said, “Thank you.” That covered it. She walks away and meets Denny. Denny! You’re back?
Denny Crane: I am. I am. And I’m all here.
Shirley Schmidt: Congratulations on your big victory. It’s all over the news. Married?
Denny Crane:Disappointed. No.
Shirley Schmidt: You tried?
Denny Crane: I did.
Shirley Schmidt: Where’s Alan?
Denny Crane: Around. He said he had something to take care of. I don’t know.
Shirley Schmidt: Well, welcome back. She starts to leave.
Denny Crane: Shirley? This is a sweeps episode.
Shirley Schmidt: I’m not kissing you.
Denny Crane: Shirley!! I’m in my seventies. I’m still a physical specimen, but you never know. What if drop dead? And you never got that last tonsil brushing.
Shirley Schmidt: You always present the most ethically challenging whatifers.
Denny Crane: Your lose. And mine.
Shirley Schmidt:She starts to walk away, turns. Denny? She comes back. She kisses him. Just in case.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in Boston, Marlene walks toward a filing cabinet, opens a drawer and starts searching. Alan opens the door just behind her, grabs her hand and pulls her into his office. Marlene Stanger:She gasps. Mr Shore!
He slams the door shut and moves into his office. He is thrown back against the see-through door, Marlene spreads his arm up and out, then shoves him away and follows him. There is the sound of furniture crashing. A jacket flies across the room followed by and sounds of more furniture
crashing. Paul and Shirley walk by just in time to see a shirt flying followed by more sounds of crashing furniture.
Shirley Schmidt: She looks to Paul. Springtime.
Paul Lewiston: I’m gonna rewrite that office manual.
They walk on. Alan pushes a lounge chair against the door. He moves away, the next moment Marlene is thrown spread-eagled against the door.
Out on the balcony Denny is smoking a cigar and drinking scotch. Alan comes out to join him. Alan Shore: Denny, I’m gonna need a new glass top for my desk.
Denny Crane:He notices scratches on Alan’s cheek. What happened to you?
Alan Shore:With a groan he plunks down in his chair. There was a spider in my office.
Denny Crane: Shirley kissed me!
Alan Shore: Voluntarily?
Denny Crane: Of course. She still loves me. Maybe I should marry her.
Alan Shore: Shouldn’t you first get over Courtney?
Denny Crane: Oh. My interest in Courtney was mainly…
Alan Shore: Firearms?
Denny Crane: Hm.
Alan Shore: She’d shoot you in the end.
Denny Crane: Perhaps before. Ha, ha.
Alan Shore: I really didn’t love LA.
Denny Crane: Full of false faux people.
Alan Shore: You felt at home?
Denny Crane: I did.
Alan Shore: I used to love visiting LA, because it was so la, la. Made me appreciate Boston more. But lately it seems the whole country is a little la, la.
Denny Crane: Hm. Not the red states.
Alan Shore: We’re a bubble gum nation, Denny. Tinsel town especially. There used to be a day when pandering in our society was reserved for…
Denny Crane: Politicians.
Alan Shore:He chuckles. Maybe that’s what bothers me; Hollywood has sunk to the level of congress. Denny chuckles. You ever wonder if you and I are la, la?
Denny Crane: Don’t be ridiculous. We’re flamingoes. And good ones.
Alan Shore: At least one thing remains constant. I do enjoy traveling with you.
Denny Crane: And the best part is we always come home, together.
Alan Shore: To more travels, Denny.
Denny Crane: The mountains.
Alan Shore: Prairies.
Denny Crane: The whores.
Alan Shore: America the beautiful.
Denny Crane: Ahhh.
Alan Shore: To next season, Denny.
Denny Crane: Same night?
Alan Shore: God, I hope.
Boston Legal
Spring Fever
Season 2, Episode 26
Written by David E. Kelley
2006 David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved.
Broadcast: May 16, 2006
Transcribed by Sheri for https://www.doczj.com/doc/c717852623.html, [version updated May 25, 2006]
ACT I
Scene 1: Crane Poole & Schmidt—Boston
Shirley Schmidt exits the elevator to the sound of a catfight of the human variety.
Shirley Schmidt: What the hell? Paul, stop them!
Jane and Sheila are fighting over the receptionist’s desk.
Paul Lewiston: Security’s been called.
Alan Shore: Oh, dear. This could be my fault. I seem to have mated them both. Squints to see who they are. Yes, I did, all right. Jane? Sheila? Ducks so that a flying shoe strikes glass behind him instead of his head.
Shirley Schmidt: Alan, this is absolutely . . .
Alan Shore: Wrong. Yes. Office policy manuals and such. I know, Shirley. But you’ll just have to cut me slack this time of year.
Paul Lewiston: This time of year?
Alan Shore: It’s spring. I’m in heat.
Security officers have separated the women, and are hauling them out; Alan Shore gestures as if to brush the whole incident away. Paul Lewiston and Shirley Schmidt are both appalled.
Scene 2: Alan Shore’s office
Denny Crane:Entering. I hear you’re in heat.
Alan Shore: It seems so.
Denny Crane: Me, too—we must be on the same cycle. What do you do when you’re in heat?
Alan Shore: Generally, I have a good deal of sex.
Denny Crane: Me, too. Where?
Alan Shore: Out and about.
Denny Crane: You mean right here in Boston?
Alan Shore: It’s the most convenient locale.
Denny Crane: Don’t do that, man. The women in Boston are pale this time of year and they haven’t lost their winter fat. Alan Shore: Like spring snow, Boston women have their own particular benefits.
Denny Crane: Nonsense. You come with me to California. It’s spring all the time there. I have some business to do in the Los Angeles office. We’ll have time to prowl all we want, and we can write the whole thing off.
Alan Shore: Denny, in all modesty, my state of heat doesn’t generally require me to prowl. Women have a tendency to find me.
Denny Crane: Let them find you in L.A. Now, don’t be difficult. You know we’re going. We’ll take the jet, grab a limo, drop by Crane, Poole and Schmidt—Los Angeles, do a little business. Then we’ll check into Chateau de Mer. They have that luxury down bedding with the 500 thread cotton sheets—women love that high thread count.
Alan Shore: As do I.
Denny Crane: You mean, I’ve convinced you?
Alan Shore: I do have a hankering for some strip mall sushi. Yes, the thread count put me over. A few days.
Denny Crane: I’ll make some calls.
Denny Crane exits Alan Shore’s office.
[credits]
Scene 3: Street scene—the red light district.
Visuals of prostitutes plying their trade at night in Boston to N.E.R.D.'s "Don't Worry About It"
Scene 4: Jail cell
Clifford Cabot is behind bars; Shirley Schmidt has come to bail him out.
Clifford Cabot: I was just doing research!
Shirley Schmidt: At a motel with a prostitute!
Clifford Cabot: I promise you I’ve done nothing licentious.
John: Me neither.
Clifford Cabot: I was cultivating case studies, conducting interviews with ladies of the eve . . . for my survey of Victorian sexual mores versus present day.
John: Me too.
Both Shirley Schmidt and Clifford Cabot stare John down.
Shirley Schmidt: Clifford!
Clifford Cabot: Oh, my God. You don’t believe me.
Shirley Schmidt: She was naked during the interview! It looks suspicious.
Clifford Cabot: It was a demonstration speech. The art of seduction vis a vis clothing removal. Just ask LaFonda. Shirley Schmidt: Look, Clifford. It doesn’t matter what I think. You’ve got your story; you’re sticking to it. I will post bail. Clifford Cabot: Shirley . . .
Shirley Schmidt: Yes?
Clifford Cabot: Could you see about getting my shoelaces back?
Shirley Schmidt:looking down to cover her smile, then nodding. Yeah.
Scene 5: Conference Room at Crane, Poole & Schmidt—Boston
Brad Chase: Now the legal concepts of sufficiency of evidence and weight of evidence are different. A prime example is the Commonwealth vs Thompkins. Intercom rings. Yes?
Receptionist: Brad, Beth Guttman on line 2.
Brad Chase: Tell her I’m in a meeting; I’ll call her right back.
Receptionist: She said it was an emergency.
Brad Chase: It’s my sister. This will just take a minute. Steps away from the conference table to pick up the phone at a side table. Yeah, Beth. What’s up? What? When? Yeah, yeah. O-okay, okay. I’m on my way—don’t let her say a thing until I get there. Hangs up the phone, gathers his things up off the conference table and exits quickly. Scene 6: Police Station
Beth Guttman: Brad . . .
Brad Chase: Beth. They hug. What happened?
Beth Guttman: Oh, Hannah was at this party. Kids were doing drugs, and this one boy . . . died of an overdose. She wipes a tear from her eye.
ACT II
Scene 1: Denny Crane’s Office
Shirley Schmidt enters, on a rampage.
Shirley Schmidt: Denny, you . . . She trails off as she takes in the sight of Denny Crane wearing a short-sleeved, short-legged wetsuit in black and navy blue, complete with goggles. He is holding snorkel and fins, admiring himself in the full-length mirror. Good Lord!
Denny Crane: Does this make me look fat?
Shirley Schmidt: Yes. Wear heels. Pause as she steps forward. Don’t do this. You know you can’t handle Los Angeles.
Denny Crane: I’ll be fine.
Shirley Schmidt: Every spring, you take this little trip out West, and then we spent every summer, fall and winter trying to get the charges dropped.
Denny Crane: If you’re referring to the Vanna White incident, there was contributory negligence on her part.
Shirley Schmidt: You groped her rear end during the whole buffet line at a cocktail party. How exactly was she negligent?
Denny Crane:demonstrating what he did in mid-air. Her tushy. Legally it’s called an attractive nuisance. Look, if you are sincerely concerned about my dalliances in Los Angeles, there’s one way to prevent them. Come with me. You know how I feel about you.
Shirley Schmidt: Mm. Your wetsuit’s doing all the talking.
Denny Crane:Repositioning a fin to act as a codpiece. Bogey and Bacall had Paris. You and I can have Los Angeles. We can take the first flight out.
Shirley Schmidt: Denny, every year I threaten, every year I cajole—all I have left is to plead. If you care about me, don’t make me plead.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane does not make promises, but for you, I will try and be a good boy.
Shirley Schmidt: Thank you.
Denny Crane, ever the peacock, goes back to preening in front of the mirror.
Shirley Schmidt: How did you get into that thing, anyway?
Denny Crane: A lot of Vaseline, and Chuck in word processing helped.
Shirley Schmidt: Poor Chuck.
Denny Crane: I hope he’ll help me get out of it . . .
Scene 2: The Hallway at Crane, Poole & Schmidt—Boston
Marlene Stanger, Denise Bauer, Kate and Corinne are talking.
Corinne: She doubled the client’s money.
Marlene Stanger: Denise was there, too.
Kate: I thought that was the case you settled at 10 . . .
Denise Bauer: Well . . .
Corinne: You guys make a great team.
Kate: Every team needs a great closer.
Corinne: And it really helps that one of you is funny, because funny helps with the clients.
Denise Bauer: Her?
Marlene Stanger: Thanks, guys.
Kate: Too bad you’re both up for partner.
Corinne: Spring vote.
Kate: Always a lot harder.
Corinne: This place is so sexist.
Kate: Four spots.
Corinne: There’s no way they’re gonna give two of them to women.
Kate: You guys should team up. Whoever makes it this time can then vote for the other one next time.
Denise Bauer: I’m just gonna run in and grab a seat.
Kate: That’s what you should do! And then the other one can just buy you dinner or something.
Scene 3: Police Station
Detective Jacobs: We won’t know what the boy died of until after the autopsy. More than likely a bad mix of prescription medications.
Brad Chase: What are you talking about?
Detective Jacobs: You ever heard of “pharming parties?”
Brad Chase:shaking his head No.
Detective Jacobs: Not farming with an “f” but with a “p-h.” It’s what kids are doing as of late.
Through a one directional glass window, we see Rick and Hannah Guttman talking in the adjacent room. Detective Jacobs: They go to their parents’ medicine cabinets, find the leftover prescriptions—pain medicines for backaches, sleeping pills, even their own medications for A.D.D.—they take all these pharmaceuticals, get together, trade ‘em, mix ‘em into various medications cocktails, just to see what kind of fun can be had. This poor kid more than likely got a bad mix.
Brad Chase: Do you know about this?
Beth Guttman: First I’m hearing.
Detective Jacobs: The kids were smart enough to dump all the pills down the toilet. We found the prescription bottles, labels missing, in the trash out back.
Beth Guttman: Hannah would never be involved in anything like that. She’s already on an antidepressant. She knows better than to mix it with anything.
Brad Chase: Hannah’s on antidepressants?
Beth Guttman:nodding She’s had clinical depression for two years.
Rick Guttman:leaving the room Hannah is in She won’t tell me anything.
Detective Jacobs: The other kids aren’t talking. But the D.A.’s not going to let this one go. Someone’s going to jail. Brad Chase: I’ll talk to her. Goes into the interrogation room; hugs Hannah Guttman in greeting. You cut your hair since Christmas.
Hannah Guttman: Yeah.
Brad Chase: Well, we’ve got a long road ahead of us, and I realize you’re probably still in shock, but as you can see, we’ve got a little bit of a problem here.
Hannah Guttman: Besides Ryan being dead?
Brad Chase: No, I understand you lost a friend, Hannah, but Ryan’s parents also lost a son. And they are not going to stop—and nor should they—until they find out exactly what happened last night. And right now, as we’re talking, all your other friends are with their attorneys, who are advising them to speak up. And the first one to speak up is going to make a deal with the district attorney. Everyone else is going to take responsibility for the crime, and someone is going to go to jail. Pause as they look at each other, assessing the situation. Hannah, I know you’re a good person. I know you’re a good friend, but this is the one time that you need to think of yourself first.
Scene 4: Conference Room at Crane, Poole & Schmidt
Shirley Schmidt is discussing cases with Marlene Stanger, Denise Bauer, Kate, Corrine, and 2 men.
Shirley Schmidt: Um, the Strom trial doesn’t begin until the fall, so we can discuss that at a later date. Denise, what have you got?
Marlene Stanger is in a staring match with one of the men—over a pen, which she, of course, wins.
Denise Bauer: Ah, the Preitzler deposition starts Monday plus I’m still negotiating on Friedman vs Langston and, oh, Paul needs help on MacCush and Wasson.
Shirley Schmidt: Full load.
Denise Bauer: Very full. Lots of billables, but I’m handling it.
Shirley Schmidt: Good. In that case . . .
Marlene Stanger: I’m available.
Shirley Schmidt: Excellent. So you’re with me on the Clifford Cabot case. Okay, people. That does it. Thank you very much.
Everyone exits, and we follow Marlene Stanger into
Scene 5: The Hallway at Crane, Poole & Schmidt—Boston
In which Marlene Stanger is walking, absorbed in IM-ing on her Treo.
Alan Shore:suddenly nose to nose with her Marlene, you’re typing with such intensity, almost as if there was some imminent climax.
Marlene Stanger—panting and startled—dodges around him as if very afraid.
Scene 6: Denise Bauer’s office
Denise Bauer is writing at her desk.
Brad Chase: She’s on antidepressants. I had no idea. I thought we were close. Suddenly we’re “Ordinary People.” Denise Bauer: You’re holiday close. You get together for the biggies—you know, Christmas, Easter—share some laughs, old stories. And there’s something really comforting about that. But in between the jokes, and that’s where stuff like “Hannah’s got clinical depression” hang out. I mean, how do you share something like that? Plus, it’s Hannah’s private business.
Brad Chase: Not anymore. It’s like we’ve been strangers for years.
Denise Bauer: Do they know everything about you?
Beth Guttman:walking in Brad? Can I . . . um . . . motioning for him to come out of Denise’s office to talk with her.
Brad Chase: Hey, Beth.
Beth Guttman: They arrested her. One of the kids talked. He said it was all Hannah’s fault, that she organized the whole party, that she brought the drugs. I know that’s not true.
Brad Chase: Where is she now?
Beth Guttman: Rick’s arranging bail.
They leave together.
ACT III
Scene 1: Shirley Schmidt’s office
Clifford Cabot drops another pile of academic theses on the already-full desk.
Clifford Cabot: This is my world. Welcome to it. Current research from top academics in my field at the most prestigious universities in the country.
Shirley Schmidt:reading from the title page of one “Sex and Love in the Time of the Booty Call.”
Marlene Stanger: “Buzz Off: A History of Anti-Vibrator Legislation in the United States.”
Clifford Cabot: All legitimate papers presented at the Yale Sex Week Symposium last month. He has a little different reaction to Marlene’s icy stare. You know, you have a way about you . . . Anyhoo, the paper that I’m working on, entitled, “Low as a ‘Ho: Privileging Sexual Purveyors and the Fallacy of Phallocentricism,” could only be made possible through field research, which is what I was doing when accosted by the fuzz.
Shirley Schmidt: Clifford, I think you can understand how the police might have mistaken your intentions and let their imaginations get away from them.
Clifford Cabot: And that’s their problem. Finally, our universities are making great strides in understanding the human sexual condition. Graphic sexuality has become ubiquitous in modern society. It’s irresponsible not to teach young people about it.
Marlene Stanger: These are for real.
Shirley Schmidt: You’re kidding.
Marlene Stanger: As whacked out as some of these things sound—no offense, Clifford—they’re all legitimate scholarly research articles.
Clifford Cabot: Exactly. Research which required extensive interviews.
Marlene Stanger: My cousin went to elementary school with the D.A. I think we’ve got enough here to go to him and get these charges dropped. Picks up her Treo to IM.
Clifford Cabot: I like her.
Scene 2: Police Interrogation Room
Beth, Hannah and Rick Guttman are talking with Brad Chase.
Hannah Guttman: That’s not how it happened! They’re lying!
Brad Chase: Then you have to tell the truth. Now these kids doing exactly what is expected of them. They’re acting in their own self-interest. Hannah, you must understand. You could go to jail for this. They are charging you with second degree murder.
Hannah Guttman: No. No.
Beth Guttman reaches over to stroke her hair.
Scene 3: The D.A.’s office
DA Casey Mathias:laughs
Marlene Stanger: Casey . . . Casey. When you finish perusing, please note what our client had on his mind was purely Q and A for research purposes only.
ADA Frank Lawrence:laughs, having a difficult time buying that!
Marlene Stanger: There was no intent to solicit.
DA Casey Mathias: Oh, no intent, hunh? Both ADA’s laugh.
Shirley Schmidt: You guys want to let us in on the joke?
ADA Frank Lawrence: We found that Professor Cabot, in doing his “research,” was extremely . . . thorough.
DA Casey Mathias: Check it out. Turns on the TV behind them by remote.
Clifford Cabot (TV): Show me. Show me the plight of the exploited sex worker. Oh, and show me your ass. Ahh— Shirley Schmidt: Oh, dear Lord.
DA Casey Mathias: Check it out. She’s about to graduate magna cum laude.
Clifford Cabot (TV): Tell me your quim is quivering.
LaFonda (TV): What’s a quim?
Scene 4: Shirley Schmidt’s Office
Clifford Cabot: Can you believe she didn’t know what a quim was?
Shirley Schmidt: Clifford!
Clifford Cabot: I know, it’s awful. Pure misery. What do we do?
Marlene Stanger: Plead this out. Take your lumps.
Clifford Cabot: I can’t do that. My reputation is at stake. If I plead guilty, there goes my entire academic career. Shirley Schmidt: You should have thought of that before you hired Eliza Doolittle to polish your knob.
Clifford Cabot: Okay, Shirley. Yes, I’m guilty. Put me in shackles. He holds his hands out, touching at the wrists. Marlene Stanger: Let’s not go there.
Clifford Cabot: But I really did go to that motel for research. Only this time, LaFonda looked so inviting. Her smile told me everything was going to be all right. Then I got carried away. Shirley, I’m mortified to admit this, but I hadn’t been intimate with a woman for years. My wife left me—emotionally and sexually—long before we ever parted ways legally. And loneliness, well, it isn’t something you can just think your way out of.
Shirley Schmidt: Clifford, how many of these interviews have you done?
Clifford Cabot: With this latest study, eleven. But this is the first time anything inappropriate has ever happened. Ooh. Maybe it’s the third.
Shirley Schmidt: We’re sunk.
Marlene Stanger looks out the window to find Alan Shore staring, tilting his head and smiling at her. He walks off with his “Cat in the Hat” stroll.
Scene 5: Alan Shore’s office
We see Marlene Stanger’s ruby slippers (complete with spiked heels, of course) first, then her. Marlene Stanger knows the value of maintaining the power position of standing while Alan Shore sits, looking up at her. Marlene Stanger: This will stop.
Alan Shore: What will stop?
Marlene Stanger: You and your little games. They’re a distraction, and they will stop.
Alan Shore: Well, what do suggest instead?
Marlene Stanger: We’re going to make love. You’re going to give me everything you’ve got. We’re going to get this out of our system. It will be kept between the two of us, and then we will move on.
Alan Shore: Sounds very organized.
Marlene Stanger: Cut the nonsense. Are you in or not?
Alan Shore: I am very much in. However, I have some thoughts. He stands up so they are nose to nose, again. First, I’m a bit old-fashioned when it comes to certain women. I prefer to do the stalking.
Marlene Stanger: You’ve got 24 hours.
Alan Shore: I certainly won’t be timed.
Marlene Stanger: I think you’re vile.
Alan Shore: That’s a very good sign. For some, it takes quite a while to reach that point. But you seem very in touch He runs his hand from her neck downward, slowly with the worst that the world has to offer. You’ve always been a very bad girl. She nods in agreement Now, you’re working into awful, and you think I’m just the lucky lad to get you there. You might just be right. His mouth is now very close to her ear, and his hands are on her buttocks As long as it’s messy, and it hurts just a bit . . . He brushes the hem of her skirt as he bends down a little to pick up his briefcase next to her, and lowers his voice Just as soon as I return from Los Angeles . . .
And Alan Shore walks out of his office, leaving Marlene Stanger quivering.
ACT IV
Scene 1: Scenes of Los Angeles
Scene 2: Office foyer of Crane, Poole & Schmidt—Los Angeles
Denny Crane and Alan Shore exit the elevator
Alan Shore: This has a familiar feel to it.
Denny Crane: Oh, I forgot! You haven’t been to this branch. He reaches out to shake hands with the receptionist. How are you? Denny Crane. Back to Alan Shore I’m a big believer in consistency. Whether you kill someone in Boston, New York, Chicago . . . Shakes hands with a client in the waiting area. Denny Crane. Continuing conversation with Alan Shore . . . L.A., London, Tokyo, you’ll feel right at home here. He sees Courtney Reese exiting the office ahead of an attorney dressed all in black. Oh, my God.
Entertainment Attorney: So I’ll messenger those contracts to you this afternoon.
Courtney Reese: Perfect. Thank you. She shakes his hand.
Denny Crane: Ms. Reese. Denny Crane.
Courtney Reese:pushing the call button for the elevator Hello.
Denny Crane: I’m sorry. THE Denny Crane. Crane, Poole and Sperm . . .Schmidt. May I say that I have seen every single one of the episodes of “Night Bay.”
Courtney Reese: Thank you.
Denny Crane: And I . . . I wonder—how can they keep this thing going? He has stepped into her elevator car and is blocking her exit.
Courtney Reese laughs, trying to get past him into the elevator.
Denny Crane: But, you know, night swimmers need protection, too. And drug smugglers who thrive under the cloak of darkness. Now the elevator door has closed, and Courtney Reese pushes the call button, again. And this is my colleague, Alan Shore.
Alan Shore: A pleasure, Ms . . . He bows slightly to her; he has not forgotten HIS manners.
Denny Crane: Oh, he doesn’t watch television. I doubt he’s even seen the sex tape your boyfriend filmed of you.
The elevator has arrived again.
Courtney Reese:dodging quickly into the elevator. I have to go now.
Denny Crane: Oh. Bye bye. I love L.A.
Barry Goal:holding out his hand to shake Denny Crane’s. Denny Crane, you son of a gun! How are you?
Denny Crane: Barry. Good, good.
Barry Goal:shaking hands with Alan Shore. Barry Goal.
Alan Shore: Alan Shore. How do you do?
Denny Crane: Senior partner. Crane, Poole & Schmidt—L.A.
Barry Goal: Barry Goal.
Alan Shore: You said that.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane—West, almost.
Alan Shore: Got it.
Barry Goal: Barry Goal.
Scene 3: Courtroom
Bailiff: Docket #52893: Commonwealth vs Hannah Guttman, on the charge of second-degree murder.
Brad Chase: Great.
Judge Dale Melman: How do you plead?
Brad Chase: Not guilty, your Honor.
Judge Dale Melman: Bail?
Brad Chase: Defense requests R.O.R. Hannah’s parents can take responsibility for her.
ADA Holly Raines: The defendant is charged with second-degree murder. Bail . . .
Brad Chase: That’s way out of whack with this case, your Honor. This case is involuntary manslaughter at its best. ADA Holly Raines: You’re going to tell me how to file?
Brad Chase: She’s over-charging, your Honor, hoping we’ll plead for manslaughter.
ADA Holly Raines: An innocent boy is dead, your Honor. Forgive me for taking it seriously.
Judge Dale Melman: All right. The defendant has no prior record. I’m going to release her into the custody of her parents. Conference with the clerk for scheduling.
Teresa Klein: Hannah, you’re not going to look at us?
Brad Chase: Let’s go.
Teresa Klein: You killed our son! You’re not going to even look at us?
Brad Chase escorts the Guttmans out as ADA Holly Raines holds Teresa Klein’s hands to comfort her.
Scene 4: Barry Goal’s Office
Denny Crane: And did you take care of what we talked about?
Barry Goal: Just as you requested. All the amendments to your living will have been incorporated per your specifications. We just need the proper signatures.
Denny Crane: Excellent.
Alan Shore is admiring Barry Goal’s view of an amusement park, complete with ferris wheel.
Barry Goal: And just so you know, we did a search, and there’s no place that will legally sanction euthanasia by bullet to the brain.
Denny Crane: Aww. Chest?
Barry Goal: Sorry. The most you can hope for is a slow morphine drip or counting on Alan here to pull your plug.
Alan Shore: turns around, hearing his name mentioned. Excuse me?
Barry Goal: Denny has amended his living will to grant you power of attorney so you can enforce the D.N.R. clause. Denny Crane is smiling at Alan Shore. Just in case, uh, you know . . .
Denny Crane: Since Cap Weinberger died, I need someone else to pull my plug. He takes the document from Barry Goal, and walks around him to hand it to Alan Shore for his signature. You’re up, Alan. I’ve got a slot open. Hancock?
Barry Goal pulls out a pen, uncaps it, and hands it to Alan Shore.
Alan Shore: I’m sorry, Barry. We’ll have to take care of this another time.
Both Denny Crane and Barry Goal stare open-mouthed at him.
Scene 5: Conference Room to Hallway, Crane, Poole & Schmidt—Boston
Marlene Stanger: We are so screwed on the Clifford Cabot case.
Denise Bauer: Really? Oh, I’m sorry. Not. And you were so eager to get on that one, too.
Marlene Stanger: I know. I thought we had a real strong argument that his encounter with the crazy hooker was just part of his crazy academic research, but it turns out he videotaped the whole thing.
Denise Bauer: He . . . he videotaped it?
Marlene Stanger: Yeah, and it’s not one of those blurry night vision videos; this one is crystal clear.
Denise Bauer: But the important thing is—he filmed it. He made a film.
Marlene Stanger: A film, which is protected under the First Amendment.
Paul Lewiston: Uh, Denise.
And the race to the elevator is on, to the tune of “William Tell Overture;” Marlene Stanger is first out of the gate. Denise Bauer: Paul, uh, I . . . I can’t. Not now. And she’s off, too.
As Denise Bauer leaves the gate, Marlene Stanger rounds first bend at the file cabinets. Denise Bauer dives to tackle Marlene Stanger, and misses. Marlene Stanger gets to Shirley Schmidt, well ahead of Denise Bauer. Marlene Stanger: Shirley! I had a thought.
Shirley Schmidt: Ride with me.
Shirley Schmidt and Marlene Stanger get into the elevator as Denise Bauer reaches the finish line.
Denise Bauer:motioning others away from the elevator. Get out! The elevator doors close before she can dodge through them. No! No, no!
Marlene Stanger:Obviously winded. And if he filmed it for distribution to entertain an audience, that’s pornography, which is protected under the First Amendment.
Shirley Schmidt: Good thinking. What is that pounding?
Marlene Stanger: This building has a lot of quirks. Haven’t you noticed?
Denise Bauer: I hate her!
ACT V
Scene 1: The porch of Rachel Lewiston’s home
Brad Chase knocks on the door; Rachel Lewiston opens it.
Rachel Lewiston: Great.
Brad Chase: I need your help.
Scene 2: The Police Station
Brad Chase: Hannah, this is Rachel Lewiston.
Rachel Lewiston: Hi, Hannah.
Hannah Guttman: Hi.
Brad Chase: I’m just gonna be out there. He exits.
Rachel Lewiston: Well, nothing awkward about this, is there?
Hannah Guttman: I’m sorry, but why am I even talking to you?
Rachel Lewiston: Honestly, ‘cause your uncle’s a little lame. Now, he thought I could help you, but the only thing I can think to do is to tell you about Jenny Diner.
Hannah Guttman: Who?
Rachel Lewiston: She was a girl I met in rehab. I was there recently. Jenny’s about your age. Angry as hell. We got along great. I mean, there were other addicts there who I had more in common with, but Jenny and I, um, well, we really understood each other. Sits down. I, uh, I mentioned it to one of the counselors one day. He said he wasn’t surprised. They’ve done studies that show that drug and alcohol abuse stunts your emotional growth. Whatever age you start abusing, that’s the age you are emotionally, so even though I’m pushing the big 4-0, and I’m raising a 3-year-old, in many ways, I’m still 16, which is why my father’s stare can still make me feel 2 feet tall. And why my best friend and confidante in rehab was a 16-year-old hooked on heroin.
Hannah Guttman: I don’t do drugs.
Rachel Lewiston: Hannah . . . I just want to tell you, the one thing I learned the really, really hard way, and that is that you have to own your crap—what you do, what you say, who you hurt—you have to own all of it. And if you don’t want to be stuck here at age 16 for the rest of your life, you’re gonna have to tell people what happened.
They exchange knowing looks, and Rachel exits, leaving Hannah to her own thoughts.
Scene 3: Courtroom #2
DA Casey Mathias: Your honor, the defense’s motion to dismiss is absurd. We have a videotape which clearly shows that the defendant was caught fully . . . in the commission of the illegal act.
Judge Robert Thompson: It used to be called in flagrante delicto, but, uh, people don’t speak as colorfully anymore. It’s a damn shame, too. Ms. Stanger?
Marlene Stanger: Professor Cabot was, indeed, in that motel room. He did purchase the services of LaFonda Raymond, and he did set up his camera and make a videotape. And that is why the charges should be dismissed. Judge Robert Thompson: I’m not following you, Ms. Stanger.