托福TPO第22套独立写作真实批改报告
订单编号：sp201307020601252952
题型：托福独立写作
题目：TPO第22套
原文字数：437
批改时间：2013年07月02日18：02
Nowadays, 1as the developing of the society and government, people 2 3 starts to have different 4thought 5of 6this country. Some78of them would 9talk about it personally, 10but some 11people will start to spread their views publicly, such as12internet13, 1415poster on the street 16and so on. However, personally, I do not think teachers should make their social or political views known to students in the classroom17, 18the following are the reasons why I agree with the statement.
To begin with, the reason we have 19teacher is to learn academic 20knowledges from 21them 22or let me say in another way, what's 23the teacher's job? The answer from all of us 24definitely is to25tranform their knowledge to us. This is what the teachers should be doing in 26the class 27, 28we pay to go to school, their classes, all the parents want their children to receive back is not the teachers' social or political views, in stead they want their children to be educated. They want teachers to change their kids' bad behaviors, unpleasant personalities or the way they 29try to study. 30Also some privates schools 31expect more money than some public schools, therefore if the teachers waste students' learning time by 32express their feeling 33of this society, then the parents will be 34indignation and unhappy
35, 36this will mainly affect the school's reputation, which no school 37hope 38to 39be happened.
Moreover, teachers do not have the right to 40tell their 41views of social and political to students. Everyone 42have the freedom to distinguish what is good or 43not.44They could have different views 45with the 46teachers, 47but teachers cannot tell them what is wrong or right. Not all 48the students really think or care about 49the country's political or 50society 51, however, 52if the teacher told about it, 53this will affect their thoughts. 54For some kids, they will not listen to the teachers an thinking that they are wrong, but some kids will listen to it and forming the same view strongly that might lead them to start spreading it everywhere. The dangerous thing is that if they 55angeryly posted 56on the Internet, people who are opposed to it will 57comments poorly and this could affect their 58phycology problem.
To sum up, everyone 59have the right to think or 60believ in various 61way, 62and no one should tell someone that they are wrong. Also 63teacher spending time talking about their perspective of the political and social64is not what they should be doing in the 65classroom 66than 67teaching students some academic subjects. Therefore I totally agree with the statement 68with two major reasons 69i 70present above.
错误归类分析：
选词错误：
1：修改建议：with.
9：修改建议：be quiet about their personal beliefs.
25: 修改建议：impart.
31: 修改建议：charge.
40: 修改建议：discuss.
43: 修改建议：bad.
44: 修改建议：Students might. 50: 修改建议：social.
53: 修改建议：it.
66: 修改建议：but instead. 68: 修改建议：given the.
单词缺失：
2: 修改建议：have.
6: 修改建议：different issues in. 7: 修改建议：people.
12: 修改建议：on the.
51: 修改建议：aspects.
56: 修改建议：such matters. 64: 修改建议：aspects.
时态错误：
3: 修改建议：started.
32: 修改建议：expressing. 37: 修改建议：hopes.
42: 修改建议：has.
57: 修改建议：comment.
59: 修改建议：has.
67: 修改建议：teach.
70: 修改建议：presented.
单复数错误：
4: 修改建议：thoughts.
15: 修改建议：posters.
19: 修改建议：teachers.
61: 修改建议：ways.
介词错误：
5: 修改建议：about.
33: 修改建议：about.
38: 修改建议：for.
45: 修改建议：from.
多余文字：
11: 修改建议：Omit.
16: 修改建议：Never use this phrase in a formal essay.
18: 修改建议：The foregoing clause already has an inferred meaning. This one is not needed.
29: 修改建议：Not needed.
39: 修改建议：Not required.
标点错误：
13: 修改建议：Omit.
17: 修改建议：.
21: 修改建议：.
27: 修改建议：.
30: 修改建议：,
35: 修改建议：.
63: 修改建议：,
65: 修改建议：,
连词错误：
14: 修改建议：or.
47: 修改建议：use “however”.
可数名词错误：
20: 修改建议：knowledge.
格式错误：
22: 修改建议：Or if I may ask, what is.
28: 修改建议：We pay to go to school, and in class, all the parents want is their children to receive the right education but not teacher’s social or political views.
36: 修改建议：This will have a grave effect on.
52: 修改建议：If teachers discuss this with them.
54: 修改建议：For some kids, the teacher’s talk might be of little concern as they might take it to be wrong, however, some might take it as the gospel truth and would thus spread it everywhere.
62: 修改建议：and no one should tell another whether he or she is wrong or not.
冠词错误：
23: 修改建议：a.
26: 修改建议：Not needed. This is a definite article thus would make the noun definite too.
48: 修改建议：Not needed. It characterizes the noun.
词序不当：
24: 修改建议：is definitely.
41: 修改建议：social and political views.
构词不正确：
34: 修改建议：indignant.
所有格错误：
46: 修改建议：teachers’
动词形式错误：
55: 修改建议：angrily.
词义不明(INC):
58: 修改建议：The idea can not be understood clearly because of poor diction. 拼写错误(SPL)：
60: 修改建议：believe.
代词错误：
69: 修改建议：Omit.
得分2.9分（满分5分）
任务完成情况Development and Details
文章切题、阐述充分
Effectiveness in addressing the topic and task.
文章组织和结构Organization & Structure
结构连贯清晰、阐述每篇文章观点及他们的关系
Clear, coherent structure, logical paragraphing and clear transitions in ideas. 论点扩展和细节运用Development & Details
能用相关的例子，细节和原因支持观点。前后一致并循序渐进
Relevant examples, details, reasons to support the position, presented in a unified and progressive way.
能运用标准的书面英语，包括语法，词汇，拼写及标点
Command of the elements of Standard Written English, incl. grammar, word usage, spelling, and punctuation.
整体评分Holistic Assessment
内容切题，表达连贯流畅
Effectively addresses the topic and task cohesively and fluently in the presentation of the text.
总评
You have developed a good response to the given topic. The introduction is well developed. It gives a good definition of the thesis. The second last clause of the introduction "i do not think teachers should make their social or political views known to students in the class room" would have been the last because it makes a good thesis statement. It has an already inferred meaning of what is expected of you. In the main body paragraphs, you have presented good and relevant views. The overall presentation of the paragraphs is standard. That is, you developed good topic sentences at the beginning of the paragraphs, made good and elaborate explanations and given ample examples to back up your stand. This is commendable.
The conclusion is well established. It gives a good sum of what has been written in the essay. The overall presentation is standard.The essay is littered with grammar errors though. Some have had a grave impact on the understanding of some parts of the essay. The most important is the formation of clauses and sentences. At times because of poor word usage and combination, some clauses are poorly formed. For example, "we pay to go to school, their classes, all the parents want their children to receive back is not the teachers' social or political views, instead they want their children to be educated." There is poor word combination in this clause. Another such huge formation error is in the third paragraph that starts, "For some kids........". Such formation errors make the understanding of ideas difficult. Some nouns like "poster" in the introduction are changed to plural form to make general ideas. Be mindful of the use of articles. For example, "the" is not needed before "class" in the second paragraph. This is because "class" should be general but not specific. If you use "the" it means there is a specific class referred to here. Avoid unnecessary words and clauses that make the essay
tensing.
In the conclusion, you used "have" instead of "has" after "everyone". The conjugation here is wrong. Likewise "present" in the same paragraph ought to be "presented". Be mindful of the word formation too. For example, "indignation" should be "indignant". You need to make the essay advanced by employing advanced vocabulary. For example, instead of using "this will mainly affect" in the second paragraph, you can say "this gravely affects" or "this enormously affects". Such wording gives more weight to the essay and makes it mature in presentation.You need to use diversified sentence structures and vocabulary to make the essay more advanced than this.
极智批改网：https://www.doczj.com/doc/c78570853.html,
客服电话：400-011-9191
客服QQ：2826188972
为了便于大家线下学习，极智批改网特别制作了Word版批改报告。
由于印刷品无法完全展现高交互的批改报告，欢迎大家登录极智批改网，查看震撼的、高交互的批改报告。